Hollywood & Vine are so glad that the OC bitches are back! We know we were slacking on the premiere episode, but get comfy because we have some serious catching up to do!
First of all, did ya’ll peep Vicki buying a $1.2 million dollar yacht, while Kim and Sheree [Real Housewives of Atlanta] were riding around a creek, better known as Lake Lanier, in a tugboat! Just sayin…
Tamra can work a nerve, can’t she? This bitch complained about everything her husband did trying to help move her damn gym equipment around. Who gives a fuck if he scratched the floor or the wall? Tamra ain’t paying for SHIT in that house, not even her tits. Bitch, shut the fuck up, for real! And why are all these people moving their own shit? They’re supposed to be living the high life behind the gates. They can’t afford movers?
Gretchen took her poor, old ass husband to look for a motorcycle. She claimed to have grown up around dirt bikes and shit, yet she had to ask the salesman what was what. Which one is it? She might work our nerves this season; the jury is still out on her walking around in the cold in Michigan in a bikini ass! She thinks she’s slick trying to get that man on the bike of her bike. Lord forgive us, but we think she’s TRYING to push him into his grave as fast as humanly possible!
Don better man up with Vicki. Yeah, Vicki does run shit, but he’s still a man. Shit, at least act like he’s the king of his [your] castle. This bitch gone send him off to Hayward, Wisconsin while she goes to Puerto Vallarta with her two bratty ass ungrateful children! How is that a fair trade? She was wrong for throwing that non-adoption issue in his face at dinner. H&V are glad Don checked her ass. No, he might not have adopted those two spoiled assholes, but he raised them as his own unlike her bitch ass, hillbilly first husband.
Did you see the bump underneath Ashley’s [Lauri‘s daughter] tracks? When did white bitches start wearing quick weaves? She looked a mess, but we’ll give it to her for starting her own business. Lauri needs to stop hatin on her own daughter. We remember the first two seasons when baby girl was a drunk and partied till she tore up Lauri’s condo. Now she has turned her life around and Lauri STILL isn’t being supportive! Talkin about she and George discuss business plans everyday. Lauri ain’t worked at nothing but finding a rich husband. What the fuck does she know about a successful business plan…with that alleged jewelry line that never got off the ground! She could barely even type on that laptop in the limo. She acted like she didn’t know how to work it with those Coco from SWV 1994 nails.
These broads walk around like they have more money than they can handle. Well then Tamra, next time get a good Louis Vuitton knock off. Better yet, get a real one! Then she had the nerve to stand next to Lauri and Vicki with their real shit. Poor thing – like H&V weren’t going to notice that! Speaking of Tamra, her jealousy of Gretchen’s youth is starting to show already. Bitch, you ain’t the hottest housewife anymore. It’s a rap! She better be glad Gretchen didn’t throw that expensive ass glass of champagne on her for inappropriately asking if she divorced the first husband because he was poor! This bitch really gets on our nerves.
Evidently, next week one of the housewives will be leaving the show. H&V aren’t sure who it is, but our guesses are either Lauri because her son is on heroin and they don’t want to deal with that shit on national TV, Gretchen because her husband’s health worsens and they don’t want to deal with their shit on TV, or Vicki [our long shot] because H&V think that her bitch of a daughter is pregnant!
A few parting thoughts about tonight’s show:
- Bravo should put up a warning sign before showing Tamra without make-up
- Lauri looked like the Cat Lady without her make-up and bitch knew it. She wouldn’t even look at the camera while waiting for the elevator.
- H&V apologize to anyone who had to watch this shit in HD.
- Vicki is so difficult to live with that her dog looked like it developed a nervous condition.
- Gretchen looked like she lived on 4th Avenue in Inglewood! She must be about 45 miles from the gates. But that’s probably why her husband still has money.
- Why did Gretchen walk to the limo with a white Murakami bag, but got into the limo with a Fendi hobo bag?
- Gretchen, French toast is not a delicacy. How are you marrying someone and don’t know that muthafucka eats French toast for breakfast?
In a minute…