Where Reality Meets Rhapsody

Here we go bitches!  I’m so excited to watch this episode.  I just want you East Coasters to know that it’s 4am in Cali and I’m watching/blogging at this hour to make sure you cranky bitches can read this when you get to work!

First up, Jill Zarin…of course.  I take that back.  Simex is at a Zarin store looking for window treatments or as my grandmama used to say…DRAPES!  Those two bad ass little van Kempen children grate on my last fucking nerve.  Playing hide and seek in the fabric and shit!  I woulda whooped his ass!  These two bad muthafuckas make a good argument for spanking.  That’s all I’m sayin…

Over to Bethenny…my girl.  She’s gettin’ her hair done by Francky L’Official.  Translation – Frank Official.  Now, Bethenny has a weave.  Why don’t other white girls get their shit done, cut and styled like?  I’m tired of seeing the Britney Spears – Paris Hilton weaves!  I love sista girl who stood there the ENTIRE time Bethenny was gettin’ her hair done.  I honestly think she does that every time B is in the salon and not just cuz the cameras were there.  Wouldn’t you wanna sit and listen to her one liners while on the clock?  Born again slut lol!  Hilarious.  Anyway, Frank’s gonna hook B up with his “best friend” who’s a model.  Let’s see this train wreck unfold.

Over at the van Kempen construction site, they’re still under the impression that their home will be done in a few more days.  So they’re planning a housewarming party lol.  What world do these two live in?  For real.  One thing at a time people.  Does anyone else get the impression that Alex would be fine all by herself? 

I’m sorry, it’s still hard for me to watch Ramona’s little sequence.  She looks like a black girl who just got her hair done and can’t swim standing up on a tug boat in the middle of the ocean while the “captain” is makin’ the shit rock from side to side.  Why does she gyrate like that when all she’s doing is standing up? 

But back to the show…she goes to see her doctor friend to discuss this sweat like a whore in church problem she has.  If she’d stop all that moving around when she’s standing and walking, she wouldn’t sweat so damn much!  Problem solved.  What I loved was while Ramona was explaining her problem to the doctor, Doc said “how emBARRassing”!  Gotta love her!  Ramona can act like she’s walked outta the house without make-up on if she wants to, but I know better.  No way would her face be red like that with a white neck unless she didn’t apply her foundation and powder to both! 

Bethenny is tellin’ Jill Zarin about the model blind date.  Jill Zarin tells her from the gate she ain’t feelin’ the model.  But Bethenny explained to her that she’s over the nerds cuz they are some insecure assholes with money.  She said they’re called “trick guys”!  Just tricks baby girl, tricks! 

ex-Countess Lu and Kelly had drinks “downtown” with Lu’s nieces.  Lu always makes such a big deal outta being “downtown”, as if she’s having cocktails in the ghettos of Harlem! 

Why can’t this woman dress herself?  Ya’ll know I’m talkin’ about Kelly.  Did bitch just say that she doesn’t eat salads on dates cuz she’s “already skinny enough”?  Bitch please!  You ain’t fat, but you ain’t as thin as you think!  So, they’re sittin’ there having a girls’ night out and who shows up?  Uh huh…Max Max’s suspect ass!  How the fuck are you gonna invite your dude to girls’ night out?  Ramona left Jill Zarin’s party last season over this same shit!  Bullshit.  This is when you need Ramona around cuz she woulda cussed Kelly out!  Rude!  ex-Countess Lu said that she loves living vicariously through the single girls…Ya’ll know me well enough – you complete that thought!

Back at the construction site, they have 5 days until the party and this shit doesn’t look like it’s gonna happen. 

Over to B’s blind date with Felipe!  I woulda said no when I found out his name, but that’s just me.  Bethenny looked good, for sure.  I didn’t think Phillip was all that cute, especially when he opened his mouth to show those European teeth!  Oh my gawd, Bethenny’s sense of humor is totally wasted on this man!  Totally wasted.  All her good material is going right over his 90’s haircut! 

For some reason, Jill Zarin, Bobby Vegas, Brad and Bethenny are riding around NY like a bunch of NFL rookies in a white Escalade limo.  I don’t like these mini segments Bravo has been doing lately. 

It looks like Simex pulled the shit off and can I say Thank God!  Their place was ridiculous before.  It’s party time!  Simon is stressed cuz everything isn’t perfect.  Sooo let me get this straight.  You will have a birthday party for your kids with other adults there with your hallway and downstairs looking like an abandoned building, BUT you have to straighten a photo on the wall for a housewarming party?  Okay, just checking.

Ms. Kelly was the first one to arrive talkin’ about “do I have to take off my shoes”.  I can’t even comment.  Simon looks like he’s going to see Cher in concert with that shiny ass jacket.  Kelly is such a fake ass bitch askin’ Simex to explain which Manhattan neighborhood is comparable to their Brooklyn neighborhood.  Who the fuck is she?  She’s so low budget!  WAIT, did ya’ll see Alex’s spanx under her dress?  Work those spanx bitch!

Charity meeting number 3 for Jill’s charity.  B was the bigger person to ask Kelly for a moment to clear the air.  That went over like a lead balloon.  I’m convinced that Kelly is either a heavy drinker or she’s on drugs cuz she for real acted like she did not know what the fuck Bethenny was talking about.  Like it was the first time she heard this shit.  The way she tells Bethenny to “stooop” made me wanna jump up and slap her through the fucking TV.  This bitch is out of her damn mind!  Bethenny needs one of her homegirls from the race track to whoop this bitch’s ass!  One of “Black Joe’s” cousins or nieces!

Next week is the finale and it’s lookin’ like the Bethenny/Jill love affair is about to end.  Damnit!


Vine…in a minute 

Comments on: "Real Housewives of NYC: Episode 11 Recap" (18)

  1. Brittany said:

    Kelly! Kelly! Kelly! wth?!!! I wanted to literally slap her too?! I love Bethany. She finally handled it very well this time with her one liners. I am still upset she didn’t stand up for her self more when Ramona wide eyed @ss called her the underdog. but Kelly……….makes me want to vomit. She is either filty rich or very sick to treat people like that and think its ok. She is on TV. I just can’t imagine her still having friends after this. Do they back her up on this ish? ok back to work.

  2. @Brittany – Kelly can’t be that rich cuz if she were, she wouldn’t constantly tell people she’s above them or wonder what neighborhood they live in! Broke ass bitch who came up on some money alert! – Vine

  3. When Kelly walked into Simex’s apartment I was thinking, “Oh my god, how does she know them?” Haha, seriously though, we’re one away from the end of the season and this is the first time we’ve seen them talk to each other on camera? Are you serious? I laughed when she implied that she was so early because she wasn’t sure how long it would take to get to Brooklyn. Lol! She probably left a day early and packed a snack thinking she’d have to ride a donkey to get there or something.

    Her conversation with Bethenny was just retarded. She has a serious problem dealing with confrontation, and will just say anything to keep from being wrong. Completely childish.

    I agree that the limo thing was dumb.

  4. I read today in People that Ramona is in her 50’s…I was thrilled because I could TELL by looking at her she was old enough to be her daughter’s grandmother.

    Her Tru vaseline does not work, if that’s what she’s been bathing in all these years.

    Kelly is a narcissitic twit. On prescription drugs…which is probably why she doesn’t drink…she can’t love the life she’s living if she goes into a coma, now can she? Doesn’t she realize that it’s all on film?

    I bet her daughters are kind of scared of her. Can you imagine the pressure she’s going to put these girls under? First of all….why would you teach your kids it’s alright to play in traffic?

    She’s selling her Hampton’s home for 10 million. I bet she bought it in time for the filming and never really lived there. Hear Sak’s dropped her contract and that she’s being sued by one person, and probably two over the jewelry she ‘designed’. Seems one piece shown on the telly was a piece she bought from someone else. Naughty, naughty, naughty.

    AND she only donates services from OTHER people to charities. What the F? I can’t stand her and want someone to give her a time out.

    Love your post, it’s hilarious!

  5. @Jen – She acted like she was driving to Connecticut for the party and shit! Like Brooklyn is THAT far away. If she did pack a cooler, I’m sure she put plenty of alcohol and some pills in it cuz baby girl seems to always be out of it! She’s gotta be off somethin’!

    Very childish with Bethenny! B shoulda just started a pillow fight with that bitch…totally a level that Miss Kelly can understand, I’m sure.

    – Vine

  6. @Sophie – Okay, let’s just stop right here. Did you say what the F on our blog? Go ahead girl and let it out. What the fuck, it’s aight LOL. Kidding.

    Back to bizness, you are kidding, right? Kelly is not THAT tacky? Of course she is, we just didn’t know the full range of her tacky ass! Sadly none of that shit shocks me. She’s a piece of trash frontin’ like a Manhattan socialite!

    My question is how could she afford a $10 million home in the Hamptons? She clearly traded up cuz her ass didn’t buy that shit on her own. Only Jesus could convince me otherwise!


  7. Oh, I forgot to ask, what did ya’ll think about B making a pact with the hairdresser about getting married and having a kid? Think they would seriously do it? I wonder how many people do…

    Then later Jill agrees and says she “sees” that for Bethenny! LOL, that’s the part that shocked me more.

    Good idea or bad, what do you think?

  8. I think Bethenny was serious as a heart attack makin’ that pact with Frank Official! I bet a lot of people do it! I think it’s a terrible idea, but shit who am I to judge. LMAO sorry when it came out I even had to laugh. All we do is judge! Aight, for real that has to be some empty shit and I’d hate to see B get married and have a kid just to not be alone. She’s STILL gonna be! Evidently you don’t need to be married to have children anymore in America. So just take his sperm and run!

    OH, Bethenny is now on Twitter ya’ll! She’s @Bethenny
    – Vine

  9. I’ve missed you guys. Great episode this week and thanks for your dedication to your east coast readers, thoughts.

    Ramona and Kelly have red face issues from chemical peels, getting the shit punched out of their faces by their men and/or excessive drug use. Maybe all of the above in Kelly’s case. “Bethenny. stooooppppp.” Waht the fuck kind of conversation was that really? It was more bizarre than the pink panther sit-down. I never thought that was possible.

    Love B and her hair man. I missed the first ten minutes so I never cought the first couple scenes, I’ll have to catch them later.

    Awesome recap, one of your best so far.

  10. One more thing …. Glad to see the Mario siege of the Real Housewives has ended. Simon has weaseled his way in fair and square but no more damn Ramario and his wife Ramona. My husband said that the reason Simon is on there is because it looks like his wife is a complete outcast and they wouldn’t have anything to show without the two of them doing all their scenes together. But no more Mario.

    @H & V. Totally on Jill and Bethenny. They’re going to break our hearts with a major bitch blowout between these titans. I can’t wait to see those two in action and it’s all cool because they seem to be over it by their blog posts now so it’s all in fun.

  11. @Sophie, that’s what I’ve read too. She’s 51 or 52 and looks very good, but she goes to the plastic surgeon monthly, looks like, that Doctor has been on the show twice before. I don’t think it’s just the “face cream” that the credit should go to.

  12. @Michele – I was JUST thinking about how we haven’t seen Mario lately! Thought I mighta been just seein’ what I wanted to see.

    I was seriously enraged listening to Kelly talk like that to Ms. B. stooooopp! It was so fucking condescending! I’m tellin you, I do not know how Bethenny didn’t at least hit her upside the head with a pillow!!

  13. Michele said:

    @H & V “Upside the head” Kellamity was all over that her own self. No sense in getting physical when you take the high ground and watch Kelly just pummel herself. I think Kelly might have actually gone and escalated the situation and “put herself through the wall.” As far as I know, “upside the head” is when you’re being a puke, “through the wall” is when things start to get serious.

    As far as Ramario, he’s back over at their website, groan. I betcha he’s going to be on the reunion show. He’s even got his own photo to blog under now. And he’s totally in love with Jill, no question. You guys had that right from the getgo.

    The Bethenny-Jill blowout next week is going to be huge, but I bet they both come off okay in the end. I’ll be reading.

  14. @Michele – Yeah, it’s a good thing Bethenny isn’t hot headed like us!

    I have a feeling Mario will make an appearance on the reunion, too. If for no other reason…to see Jill Zarin! He absolutely has the hots for her!

    So Bethenny and Jill have made up?

  15. katester said:

    Hey Ladies!
    I have to start with Kelly this week!
    Again, she does not wear regular clothes!
    What’s the point of being a model/ having a model’s figure if you parade around in regular life with these goofy ass outfits on?
    As for having MaxMax show up uninvited to the girls night–super tacky!
    The way she spoke to B was just surreal. I loved it when Bethenny mentioned to Kelly that she gets “wound up” around her. Kelly coulda been classy and heard B out. Kellamity must be on some pain pills from the fall off thay high horse, cuz the girl is wacky!
    Her poor kids.

    LuLu: She will be having some more girls nights in the future. Oh well. Maybe MaxMax can be her gay husband.

    Ramona: She is so hyper, like a cartoon character. When she gave her doc a kiss on the cheek in the office during treatment, I had to turn away!

    Silex: I liked the remodel. I myself could not live in a red room, but the place is much improved. As for the boys tearing through Jill’s store, Silex shows that they have no discipline. It’s called setting limits, look into into Silex as you work on your book.

    Jill: I am feeling anxious regarding next week’s blow out between Jill and Bethenny. I don’t know if I can bear my favorite TV BFF’s fighting. I mean, Laverne and Shirley rarely got into it. I don’t know the tiff has to do with the Kellamity. Hmm…..

    Bethenny: I loved Franky! I don’t want my girl in a loveless marriage, though. I liked Phillipe but as you mentioned, he did not know B’s sense of humor. I liked that he ordered a SkinnyGirl Margarita and knew it was her drink. I appreciate a man who does his research.

    Vine, thanks again for this blog. You say it better than I ever could.

  16. Michele said:

    kelly: ditto, hot bod no style whatsoever
    silex: I have to agree, the place looks awesome and the kitchen probably cost them 100K but will end up being worth five times that. It was stunning.
    Jill & Bethenny: The blowout is coming and I think it’s over Kelly. And the signs.

    Dying for the reunion already. Can. Not. Wait.

  17. @katester – I gotta tell ya, I’m feeling the same anxiety about Jill Zarin and Bethenny’s fight tomorrow night. I don’t think my heart can take it LOL.

    Thank you for reading our crazy little blog! – Vine

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