Where Reality Meets Rhapsody

I know I’m a day late, but since ya’ll are still Google searchin’ for my recap, here it goes…

We’re down to the Fearless Five.  Nobody is happier about that than your girl cuz they wear me out recappin’ for 10 fuckin’ people.  Two dances this week.  Round 1 is Ballroom.

Shawn and “the boner”are up first.  Hold up, did he call her “baby” a couple times?  Hmmm, what’s up wit that?  Maybe that wasn’t an accidental boner!  None of my male friends call me baby.  Sabrina Bryan blogs the show live each week.  Wonder if she talked about that.  Just askin…Their Quick Step was fabulous, BUT…BUT he is still outdancing her ass!  She does all the moves perfectly, but she has no energy when she dances!  Total – 27!

Next up, Tyand Chelsie.  People are mad that Ty is still there and Chuck’s ass went home last week.  Not me!  Ty might be stiff as a board, but I find him way more entertaining than Chuck and Julie Andrews.  Ya’ll are both record deals and true love…you don’t need the DWTS trophy, too!  Aight, so the Argentine Tango.  Let’s see how this goes.  I think Ty will do well actually.  So far so good..he made a baby mistake.  Did ya’ll see the determination in his face to not fuck up again LOL!  Gotta love this guy.  I thought it was pretty good.  Not the hottest thing smokin’, but good!  SEE..Bruno just said the same thing about determination.  Total – 25!  Not bad for how bad he honestly is.

Derek, Lil Kim and the horse’s mane attached to her head are up next with a Waltz.  I like it so far, very elegant, especially for her, but she looked a bit like a deer caught in the headlights right in the middle.  Damn Tyrese is short and was that Chris Tucker?  He’s so chunky!  Marlee Matlin was in the audience, too.  Love her.  Yeah, Carrie Ann noticed, too.  Something was just a bit off with her.  Did Bruno just call her a Tramp LOL?  Total – 25!

Gillesand Cheryl are up with the Fox Trot.  Ummm, with all the pros in the wardrobe department at DWTS, they can’t put something on Cheryl to hide those fat creases in her back?  I love Cheryl, but that shit ain’t flatterin!  It’s dowright distracting..yes, even from Gilles fine ass.  One day, Bruno is going to leap over the judges desk and maul Gilles…watch.  Total – 29!

Missyand Tony are up next with the Viennese Waltz.  She’s still in some pain, but is dealin’ wit it.  Here we go.  Nobody can fuck with her technique, period!  From the gate she showed she was BACK!  I loved it.  I’m actually tearing up ya’ll.  I know, such a fuckin’ cheeseball.  Bruno is full of shit.  Her pique turns weren’t THAT bad.  Total – 27!

Aight, that’s the end of Round 1.  Oh my gawd, the 3 wannabe pros will be dancing tomorrow with former DWTS celebs.  Lawd, this is gonna be a mess!  I’m gonna say it, I’m glad to see Lisa Rinna back.  I love her.  She’s like fuck it, I’m old but I’m hot…even if I did buy half the shit on my body.  I had enough of Maurice Green last season.  I don’t wanna deal with him again.

The Pros danced a Latin number.  LOVE watching Louis dance.  I could watch his ass all day.  Am I the only one who loves seeing Jonathan and Anna dance together?  Aight, Latin Round is up.

So the rule is that every star must dance a 15 second solo in this round.  Mark and “baby” are up first dancing the Paso Doble.  This dance suits her.  I loved it!  Hot, hot, hot!  WHO is that black ass negro sittin’ next to Tyrese?  Still can’t tell if it’s Chris Tucker or not, but I digress.  Shit, even Robin McGraw was there.  Sorry, back to the show. Tota – 29!  Len needs to get laid giving these 9’s and shit!

Ty and Chelsie are up with the Rumba.  This should be a train wreck of epic magnitudes LOL!  OMG…OMG!  I just watched Ty’s solo.  I am embarrassed for him.  That was more like comedy than dancing, but aight.  That shit was terrible!  Total 21!  He better thank God for that cuz he didn’t deserve more than a 10!

Kim and Derek’s salsa is a total MESS!  That was just a mess from top to bottom baby!  BAD!  She kept fuckin’ up and really, the choreography wasn’t great.  Derek is a great choreographer, but he does not shine when he fucks with Salsa.  I did not enjoy that!  I missed their total.  Sorry.

Gilles and Cheryl are doing the Rumba.  Cheryl is gonna make it look like they’re fucking on the damn ballroom floor!  I already know.  Well, it was good, but I thought Gilles danced it a bit feminine for my taste.  I didn’t love that.  Neither did the judges!  Total – 27.

Missy and Tony’s Samba is next.  WHERE is the fire Missy?  That really pisses me off about her!  She dances like Staci Keibler did.  Tooooo much ballet training and she can’t dance into the fucking ground!  UGH!  Total – 30!  If ya’ll read my weekly DWTS recaps, you KNOW how much I love Missy, but I gotta say…that 30 was undeserving in my humble opinion.  It just was.

Now, I know that Lil Kim was sent home tonight and folks are pissed.  I’m not.  America was not gonna vote for a foul mouthed rapper with a big ole booty and hips who shouted out a federal pen on her first night of competition.  We got Obama…white folks ain’t giving us much more than that! 

Vine…in a minute

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