Where Reality Meets Rhapsody

I am so fucking excited to press play on this shit you guys!  Probably a bit nervous, too.  I hope my girls Bethenny and Jill Zarin are back on Hamptons terms at this point. We’ll see in a minute.  Let me refill my wine glass one-mo-gen before I start.

SHIT!  The snippets are enough to make me grab the whole damn bottle.  How did my bitches all fall out like this?  Aight, let me just watch what happens.

So it seems like they put the nice looking women on the right and the ducks on the left.  Yes, ducks!  Andy’s boring ass is starting with the off camera drama.  Jill Zarin evidently took herself from a 32G to a something DD.  She had the girls reduced and lifted.  Good for her.  If you can spend 16 racks on a handbag, then you should make sure your tits look good for a sexy muthafucka like Bobby Vegas, period dot! 

People are talking about Bethenny’s boobs.  Andy talked over her so much it sounded like Elisabeth on the fucking View.  The gist is that she has had a breast lift before.  WHO took the time to notice Bethenny’s boobs in a bikini when the rest of her body was so fucking off the hook.  Clearly, a black person didn’t ask that question.  Just keepin’ it real.  So, Ms. B’s book Naturally Thin is a NY Times Best Seller and did you see the look on Kelly’s face?  That, my dear readers, was the unmistakable look of jealousy and envy!  Bitch was PISSED that B has a best seller and all she got was bad press and a gay love interest out of this season!  That’s what she gets for being such an asshole!  B did NOT deny dating A-Rod; she only said that she has been playing the field

Here we go on ex-Countess Lu.  She confirmed that she got an email from the Count.  She was shocked apparently.  I still think part of the shock was that he left for an African, but what do I know?  I’m gonna show my sensitive side for a hot second, so don’t get used to it…that is fucked up that this muthafucka sent her an email calling off their marriage after 16 years.  I don’t give a damn if he were married to me for 16 minutes, he woulda owed me more than that!  I hope she takes his ass to the cleaners.  Maybe she’ll own a piece of the Suez Canal after the divorce is final.  I want ex-Countess Lu to change her hair just a bit.  Awww shit, she gets to keep her title.  Now I guess I can’t call her ex-Countess.  Lu spoke of the rumors about Alex and the Ethiopian Princess.  She said she’s not sure whether or not she’s a Princess, but thinks his people leaked that tidbit in order to make it seem like he wasn’t just fucking an African bitch (my interpretation).  Here’s my question.  Who the fuck wants to be a Princess in Ethiopia?

On to girl Alex.  She talked of being laid off, but never mentioned her career.  However, she’s working as a consultant now and couldn’t resist name dropping and bragging about herself, natch!

Kelly “Kellamity” Bensimon and her legal issues are up next.  Let’s see how the bitch spins this.  She starts this long winded song and dance about how horrible this younger guy was that she dated.  Bethenny interrupted asking why he wasn’t on the show ROFLMAO!  I love her.  Kelly claims that the guy lied about her abusing him…that he walked to the police precinct and called the Post and flat out lied.  Now she’s shedding those fake white girl tears about how she has worked so hard since she was a kid to build her name and now he’s tarnished it!  Bethenny is CLEARLY not buying it and I ain’t either.  Oh sorry, neither is Ramona.  I don’t believe this fucking shit!  Something ain’t right about this broad, I’m sorry.  After how she behaved on the show, it’s difficult to believe her now!  Andy ain’t holdin’ back.  He asked Kell about the allegations that she stole designs for her “jewelry line”.  She said the accuser worked for Elle Magazine while she was there, but obviously the new “recession vocation” is to use or harm someone who’s doing well.  Cry me a river bitch!  Bethenny and Jill Zarin said they didn’t get the memo.  Those two are like Lucy and Ethel!  I’m telling you, they don’t need the dead weight.  Ditch these back up singers like Beyonce did and get your own show!  I LOVE that Kelly acts like she’s so above everyone else…braggin’ about how she’s the daughter of a “lawyer”, yet she said “according to who”.  It’s according to WHOM you dumb ass fool!  I love when idiots show their true ignorance.  Hollywood and I might cuss like sailors and act out on our blog, but we ain’t dummies.  Yes, ain’t!  Ramona is so disgusted with Kelly’s bragadocious ways that she rolled her eyes.  I don’t halfway like her shit startin’ ass either, but that was hilarious!

Does Ramona realize how little rhythm she has watching back all those clips?  I am SO GLAD another viewer thinks her ass has not rhythm.  Uh oh, hold up, Jill Zarin called her on this “I’ve been working on my skin care line for a year and a half”Jill flat out said she thinks she’s lying.  Ramona back peddled sayin’ she MIGHT have gotten the dates wrong.  Uh huh, sure!

Aight, Ramona goes on about how she grew up in an abusive household where her mother was abused by her father.  She said she learned to let shit roll off her back but every now and then will throw out a comment when she’s fed up.  Basically, she blamed her tackiness on her childhood.  I can feel what she’s saying, but shit Ramona, you’re a grown ass woman now.  Own up to your fucked up ways and keep it movin.  What’s so hard about that?

Some dumb ass viewer wrote in tellin’ Lu that a 15 year age difference IS quite a bit.  Honey, grow up!  15 years ain’t shit.  Where are these people….Utah?

Ramona and Lu are at each other’s throats over Ramona calling the Count an “old man”.  Well shit, if the shoe fits.  But I do see Lu’s side (God I’m gettin’ soft) about feeling the shit was out of line with Victoria in the room.  That’s true any way you slice it.

I’m with the personwho wrote in nominating LuLu for the who gives a shit about your title award.  Lu is a damn lie sayin’ that she uses the title for charity work, etc.  Sooooo was it charity work when she called Ms. B on the carpet for introducing her stuck up ass as LuAnn to the driver?  Keep it real LuAnn…Keep it real.  A lot of people would have a lot more respect for you if you did!  She actually had the nerve to come out her mouth and said she doesn’t take herself too seriously!  LuAnn really makes it tough to like her.

Bravo thinks they’re funny showing this clip of Simex and their soft core porn this season.  By the way, I do realize that everyone on Earth besides me calls them “Silex”, but I like Simex better.  It reminds me of Timex, which is bootleg, sort of like them.  Alex clarifies that their parenting book is about their experience as parents.  Okay, I can live with that better than them tryna teach other people how to parent cuz Yogi and Frank are two bad ass heathens!

Hold up, did Ramona just have the fucking balls to ask Alex if Simon abuses her emotionally or physically?  What the fuck is wrong with this broad?  I think that she left some pieces outta that story about her childhood.  I think that she used to catch some of that abuse, too, cuz her ass is cray-zee!  Leave it to Bethenny to lighten the mood.  God love her!

They showed clips of B’s finest moments this season.  Natch, Kell looks like she wants to spit on her!  Alex starts going off on Bethenny cuz she feels like B is a coward and talks behind her back!  Alex, shut UP please!

Ramona made some bullshit remark about Bethenny in her blog.  The shit hurt B’s feeling.  I am glad to see that Jill Zarin is there for our girl Bethenny!  That confirms for me that the bullshit at the charity event is way in the past!  You know, Ramona is such a cold piece of work that I can’t even say more about her.  I know ya’ll will have plenty to say.  I’m not lettin her ass wear me out before I watch the Jersey bitches tonight! 

Until Thursday….Vine

Comments on: "Real Housewives of NY: Season 2 Reunion Part I" (11)

  1. I think the thing that bothered me the most was Alex’s aqua eyeshadow. It reminded me of the giant Barbie head my sister got for Christmas circa ’84, and we used to put it’s hair in rollers and smear green eye shadow and red lipstick all over that thing.

  2. @Kate – You are hilarious! She did look a mess. She looked better with no make-up on and a ponytail during the Halloween episode!

  3. I LOVED it when Jill told Ramona that Ramona couldn’t go up against her. I cheered! She is so right. Don’t fuck with Jill.

    I also thought it was funny when Andy asked Ramona if she hated Simon so much because she was attracted to him…he should really be asking if her husband hates Jill so much because he’s attracted her!

    I seriously hate LuAnn’s hair too, and she’s totally being fake about the title not being a big deal to her, I agree!

    Kelly’s also a huge liar, and a robot. Did you see how nice they were about getting her a tissue, and then she rudely proclaims she didn’t want one…cuz you’re not really crying!

  4. Michele said:

    Fantastic recap. I can’t wait for round 2 tonight.

    Luann getting dumped via e-mail. I thought that was a joke, after 16 years and two kids? Fuck him and I hope she gets a goodly chuck of the “canal” money. Oh and who wants to be an Ethiopian princess? Most every Ethiopian woman. Countries may be poor but the elites in these places are not. I saw a video of the two of them and she looks pretty hot.

    Kelly on the assault and the lawsuit. Bitch please. I don’t know anymore though. She’s so incoherent and delusional that I’m thinking maybe she is being played. Whatever, I think Kelly comes back and we continue to hate everything she does without Jill on the show because she is totally unwatchable. She’s worse than Simex for me.

    Ramona, “Jesus Christmas”. She certainly came to play that day and didn’t leave her trusty “crazy eyes” at home with Avery. I don’t like Ramona, I really don’t click with her at all. Having said that, I think she is so fucked-up from an abusive childhood that she’s never going to get any better. She’s said more than once now that her father was verbally abusive to her mom. Hates the father, loves the mother, okay. But now she’s verbally abusive to others around her and calls it “telling it like it is.” I don’t understand why people go through years of fucking expensive painful therapy just to lie to themselves about who or what they really are.

    Love Jill, Love Bethenny, loved loved loved everything J & B this year. They really emerged as the power couple this year. Deservedly so.

  5. Michele said:

    One more thing here on Ramona.

    I loved the threat Bethenny gave her at the end when she said something about the skeletons in the Singer’s closet. I want to hear more on that score because RaMario has now inserted himself into the show all on his own. So if he’s fucking everything on two legs and I’m sure he is then let’s hear about it. Let’s hear about Ramona’s rules for dating and how they landed her such an awesome husband. She attacks LuAnn and Bethenny in public for their choices. She and her husband attack Jill and Bobby for their personal choices. Let’s see how Ramona’s personal choices line up on the measurement scale.

    So far the only thing I can figure out is that Ramona has her own company and is very successful. You know what that bitch sells? Sweat shop clothing at pennies on the dollar. That’s what she sells. Clothes made by 8 year old children. Let’s hear about Ramona’s choices. I already can’t wait until next season.

  6. Michele said:

    Ethiopian TV clip featuring the Countess and his Princess.

    Just FYI. The Count is with some kind of microlending outfit. Blue Orchard or something like that. Any-who. The deal with microlending is to go into really high poverty areas of the globe mostly in Africa and Asia and go village by village setting up informal banking systems. I think the first guy who did this started in Bangladesh in the 80’s. It actually works if you give the money and the responsibility to the women. No shit. If let the men have the money or final say so on the loans then you’re screwed. Fascinating.

  7. I’ve heard of microlending, and you’re right it’s actually helping lots of women (and some men, too) set up small businesses and whatnot. They even have microlending in the US, mainly in immigrant communities. I fully support the idea.

    OMG, part 2 is 150x juicier, I can’t wait to hear what everyone thinks! 🙂

  8. @Jen and Michele – We are EXACTLY the same…I am black and you’re white! WHAT the fuck planet is Kells on? I was speechless (almost) when I heard her say that.

    I’m late on last night’s part 2, but I’ll have it up soon. MUCH to say.

    Michele, I hear you on the prestige that comes along w/being an Ethiopian Princess, but as an African “American” I don’t really get warm and fuzzy for actual Africans lol. They don’t much care for us Americans so I had to dig back. You know, like I’m in elementary school.

    – Vine

  9. Great Recap! I missed it , I am sure they will be playing it again!

  10. Debbi D.M. said:

    Since my girl Jizzel is on vaca I had to throw up a post in her stead.

    Jumping off with the Discountess. “My husband traveled, I was alone all the time and it has been REALLY difficult to live that life.” Yeah, we can all tell you’ve really struggled.

    Can we please have a moment for B in that green dress? Whoa, she definitely left some ass sweat on that leather sofa. I also need a moment for Simex’s hair/eye shadow combo. She looked better in her birthday episode after an 8 hour work day.

    Moving on to Kelly, the moment she says “the facts are these,” all I can think is, “were going to be here a while.” I was totally right. Kelly goes on and on and on and on . . . “and then” . . . “and then” . . . “and then.” OMFG SHUT UP! Somebody stop this bitch. And then she concludes the last 7 ½ minutes of our lives (that we will never get back) with this one liner . . . . “The grass isn’t always greener, no matter how much fertilizer you have.” ROFLMAO. What did she just say!? You can’t write this shit people!

    Ramona is killing me with the bangs. Then she busts out with, “Jill sometimes I can’t even remember my name.” Oh Ramona, that explains so much. Ramona’s not kidding anyone w/ her “I’ve risen above my abusive childhood act” when every time someone “zings” her she has to “whack” them back. Just sayin . . . And can we please rewind the tape to the beginning of the show when she’s like, “I always tell it like it is” but then she can’t even say why she didn’t go to Simex’s housewarming? She makes herself look like an ass and says that she doesn’t want to eat food in Brooklyn?!? Oh wow, this just keeps getting better.

    Back to Kelly who has said something dumb about how much B cries. Please rewind the fucking tape 15 minutes to see Kelly crying and then Kelly goes on to defend herself by saying “Bethany you’re awesome, you’re a fox, look in the mirror, are you delusional?” Oh Kelly, there are no words for you. No words.

    So Discountess asks, “Kelly do you have a lot of girlfriends?” Kelly replies, “yeah a lot, a lot, a lot.” Four minutes later in the episode Kelly is down to just three. Did I miss something here? And no doubt that “3” number includes Jill and her two kids.

    Understatement of the season came when Simex called Kelly “inarticulate.” HA! My favorite Kelly one liners include “Eigh, Meh, Ack, Jut and Stoooooooooooop.” Could ya just?

    I love that Ramona takes it upon herself to put Kelly in her place with the “you do this on the show you say things and you don’t make sense.” Really? Crazy-Eyed-Ramona is going to be the one to tell Kelly to “real it in.” Now that is really saying something.

    Later on, in the process of “WHACKING” Discountess back for something, Ramona says the Discountess “grabbing Bethany’s date’s balls.” The ENTIRE cast skipped right over this moment and I was like WTF?! Elaborate please! And B didn’t say one word . . . two minutes later . . . Discountess CRACKS. Oh honey, that yellow pillow isn’t going to save you, you’ve made your holier than holy bed . . . sleep tight.

    Just when I am starting to feel for the Discountess . . . Kelly chimes in with “you all talk about authenticity and accountability and what I want to know is . . . . who cares?” The rest of the cast ERUPTS on her ass and Andy actually has to go to break. Can someone please tell me who this bitch thinks she is?

    I have to end with my fucking favorite moment of the ENTIRE reunion when Ramona finally said, “Bethany I agree with you she (Kelly) is delusional” and she went to high five B. B looks at her like she’s on crack and says “I AM NOT HIGH FIVING TO DELUSION RAMONA!”

    Classy B, Classy.

  11. @Debbi – How the hell is Jizzle gonna go on vacation and not tell anyone LOL? Kidding. As if we can talk as MIA as we’ve been. Aight, let me get cozy and read your comment. – V

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