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For the Love of Ray J: Episode 3

Vine here in week three of this crazy shit and Hollywood still refuses to watch! 

I really try to like at least one of these broads, but they say the stupidest shit when they talk.  1 minute into the show, someone asked how many were left.  Another one answers “It’s 5 and 5…that’s 10”.  Uh, is it really?  Where do they find these bitches?  Amish Country??

Ray J (aka the Producers of the show) comes up with the idea for the ladies (used as lightly as possible) to play a game called the Foxy Feud.  These muthafuckas are real original!  He split them into two teams – The Divas and The Darlings.  Ya’ll have watched for 3 weeks so you know who’s on what team.  He shoulda just gone for Trash vs. Class!  Just sayin…

Tommy Davidsoncomes out to host the show!  Another short nigga to watch, how exciting!  Ray J even has D listed friends!  This shit gets worse by the week!

First question – “What’s Ray J’s favorite part of the body?”  Tits is #3, ass is #4 and lips are #2???  Um, what the fuck kind of nigga is he that the booty is so far down on the list?  I’m typing this shit in real time.  If #1 is the pussy, I am going to be unable to continue recappin this shit due to loss of oxygen!  We in the clear…the “eyes” have it! 

Next question – “What is Ray J’s favorite way to relax?”  Danger puts the Darlings on the board with writing music.  Uniquegoes with reading a book!  Who the fuck knew that Ray J liked to read books?  I was shocked as shit!  Okay, wait.  The nigga does not like to relax by havin a drink???  ALL HE DOES is drink on this damn show.  Now all of a sudden he don’t relax wit a drank?  Get the fuck outta here Ray J!

Next question – “Where’s Ray J’s favorite place to have sex?”  Caviar said the bedroom!  THE BEDROOM!  That shit was hilarious.  The bedroom though!!  The Darlings are moppin the floor with the Diva’s asses!  This shit was ridiculous.  These bitches been throwin themselves at Ray from the gate, but ain’t learned ONE thing about him!  Pathetic.

Oh Lord have mercy!  The go-go dancer is so sad that her Divas team lost.  This bitch said that she now knows how NFL players feel when they lose in the Superbowl OR how people feel who lose at the Olympics!  This ho can’t even spell Olympics, let alone know how an Olympian feels! 

Ray J took Stilts out in a rented Ferrari.  Are his legs long enough to reach the peddles?  Just askin…Anyway, he took her to the studio with him.  Whoa, what a fuckin fabulous date…NOT!  As they start talkin and shit, he realized that Stilts had a wedding ring on!  Turns out she’s still legally married!  What the fuck?  I mean, she did keep it real wit him, but damn Stilts.  Can you take the fucking ring off BEFORE you go on a date with another man?  Is there one bitch on this show who can use her damn brain?

Sooo, Caviarcalls her “friend” Larry.  Basically, he told her that they’re tryna do some thangs after the show so she needs to stay as many days as possible.  Then Larry asked her if she was really tryna win and marry Ray J.  She laughed and said “you know I’m not”. 

Back at the house, Chardonnay and go-go dancerhook up Ray’s room with candles, rose petals and a note that they have some shit to tell his ass when he gets home.  These bitches can’t hold water in a bucket.  For real, if they are as much the shit as they think, they shouldn’t have to fuckin tattle on the other bitches to hold onto their spot.

Aight, at the champagne ceremony, I will give Chardonnay props.  She straightened that nappy ass curly shit and actually looked nice.  Unique looked good, too.  She’s beautiful.  The Darlings pretty much all looked good, but those two were striking this week!

Ray J puts go-goon the spot and asks her to repeat the shit she told him.  Of course she did, just like a snitchin ass…never mind.  Then Ray put Stilts on blast about being married!  That was fucked up!  He coulda kept that to himself, for real.  That was real bitch like Ray J.  I wouldn’t expect anything more from his little ass.

In the end, it came down to Caviar and Stilts.  He sent Stilts home because she’s married.  I could feel what he was sayin, but he woulda been better off keepin Stilts dumb ass!

A few random, parting thoughts:

–  Why was So Hood wearing barely any clothes with a faux fur coat on?  Is it hot or is it cold?

–  Stilts, if you’re gonna wear the wig, please come it down in the back.

–  Rumors are flying that one of the “women” is a man and another is a porn star.  My man vote is on Caviar’s deep voice, man lookin ass.  My porn vote is on Stilts!  I’ll give ya’ll whatever I find out.   

In a minute…

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For the Love of Ray J: Episode 2

It’s been on 2 minutes and I already want to start drinking heavily!  Why are they surprised that Caviar has a boyfriend (maybe even a husband)?  Oh Lord, please stop this broad from talkin.  Ray J send that bitch home!

So this nigga gave the women the task of doing a 10 web cam sex video.  Now, I am exaggerating, but that’s pretty much what this nasty muthafucka wants…for his dick to rise!

Danger starts having a fucking panic attack!  I know I shouldn’t laugh, but was this not the funniest, most ironic shit on Celebreality?  The bitch had the balls to get a tat on her fucking face and neck, but got nervous about doing a damn video chat?  Then Chardonnay had the nerve to talk shit about Danger getting emotional.  Um, wasn’t this broad crying like a baby when she thought Ray was sending her nasty ass home?  These bitches are losers!

Since I don’t have Hollywood to discuss this shit with, will someone tell me when go-go dancing, speaking in Russian, poundin beer from an over-sized funnel, sounding like you’re in round one of American Idol auditions and doing a toe touch with the assistance of a 3 ft. tall  bed became talents?  What the fuck was that?  The only bitch with a talent was the fucking ballerina!  Bravo has some funny muthafuckas workin there because they put the subtitles up on the Russian broad but the shit looked Arabic!  Love it.

Genuine confessed that she is partially there for exposure with her acting career.  The only thing getting exposure is her gut while she was belly dancing!  Not only that, but the nigga is one of the Executive Producers.  Does she think he won’t see the confessional shit before he makes a fucking decision?  These bitches are so dumb that they don’t deserve the opportunity to advance their careers! 

Wait a minute, it just came back from commercial and Stilts went from a Rihanna cut to a bob.  Did she get a quick weave or put a wig on during the commercial?  That shit looked like a wig.  Why change up somethin that ain’t broke?

In the end, it came down to Atomic Bomb and the fat belly dancer.  Ray J ended up sending both they asses home!  Wow, that shocked the shit out of me!  I didn’t see that coming at all!  Well hell, at least he didn’t lead them on.  I have a little, just a little, respect for him now!

Before I go, I have one request.  Danger, PLEASE wax your fucking lip!  Damn!

In a minute…

For the Love of Ray J: Episode 1

Hollywood & Vine are well aware that this shit premiered last week.  But it’s taken us this fucking long to decide whether or not we even want to bothered recapping this bullshit on a weekly basis.  Hollywood is out!  Won’t watch or discuss the shit!  Me, Vine, was so disgusted that I had to vent somewhere since my other half won’t fucking listen.  So, be prepared for me to go the hell off every week behind this shit.  It’s a fucking train wreck – I can’t turn away!

The show starts out with a bunch of hoodrats in a bullshit club screamin like a bunch of fucking wild boars!  Ray J just looks like a tiny tot to me.  He’s short and just ain’t sexy.  Why do bitches love this nigga?  Oh yeah, the dick!

This one broad named Jerri said she had a crush on Ray J when she was a little girl.  Um, that old bitch ain’t been a little girl in 20 years!  Then the chick Christa said she’s perfect for him because she can put her legs behind her head.  So, she’s a stripper.  Another broad said that she’s a black Barbie.  Didn’t Barbie’s have a relaxer? 

He must be an embarrassment to his family!  Did anybody else notice Ray J  talkin to his God sister “Lil B” like she was his maid?  What the fuck was that all about?

Lord this is going to be painful to watch.  This stripper acts like she’s never seen a nice car or damn rims before.  Brokey!  What I wanna know is why do the bitches on these shows act like these mansions actually belong to these men?  They act like they’ve never been out the fucking projects before.

So far Danielle (Unique) is one of the only ones I might like.  She might need to come her damn hair, but at least she’s funny.  Leah (Cashmere) is pretty and seems to have some damn sense. 

Did anyone see the fat bitch walkin round with a bikini top on and a tattoo on her damn face?  What really cracked me up was the bitch with the tattoo on her face calling someone else a whore or desperate.  How the fuck desperate for attention does she look with a damn tattoo on her face?  They find the most ignorant muthafuckas for this shit, I swear!

Tell the truth, ya’ll were surprised that they could count to 12, let alone 14 weren’t you?  I was too.

So, it comes down to the last 3 ladies – well, women.  This bitch Chardonnay starts crying like a baby.  Ray J let Hot Cocoa go.  I was disappointed.  The fact that he kept Chardonnay makes me never wanna pour myself a glass ever again!

Just a few random thoughts:

When did doing the splits become the way to show a man you’re interested? 

This Black Russian is givin me  damn headache with all that accent talkin. 

Chardonnay is annoying!  She needs to step her weave game up!  

I’ll have my drinks ready for every time Ray J’s ass says fuckin “classy”!  Ya’ll know how much H&V hate that word!

Did ya’ll watch this shit?  Thoughts?

In a minute…

T.O.’s Reality TV Debut

AP Photo/Tony Gutierrez

AP Photo/Tony Gutierrez

This July, VH1 will add Dallas Cowboys’ wide receiver Terrell Owens to their celebreality roster.  This is particularly funny because T.O. doesn’t have shit to do with videos, hits, or music at all!  Like we said the other day, VH1 will exploit any fucking body who will let them.

The untitled show will also feature Monique Jackson and Kita Williams, T.O.’s best friend and publicist.  H&V thought his publicist was Kim Etheredge.  Guess he got rid of her when she couldn’t spin the attempted suicide into the allergic reaction story he tried to feed us.  T.O. would have had an easier time calling it an accidental suicide attempt…worked for Heath Ledger’s publicist!  Just sayin.

At this point, they’re only saying that the show will document Owens’ life during the office season – anything from football to life to matchmaking.  Yes, matchmaking.  A filthy rich, decent looking NFL player with the body of a god needin help finding a woman isn’t hard to decipher.  H&V are the only bloggers with balls enough to let ya’ll know he’s gay.  But we still look forward to watching him pretend to love the ladies.

Ya’ll plan to watch this shit?  In a minute…

Sober House: Episode 2

Hollywood & Vine are convinced that there are two fools at the head of VH1 programming just like us who sit in an office thinking “wonder what would happen if we put a bunch of junkie, has been performers in a house together to get sober”.  But even H&V think this shit is fucked up!  Talk about exploitation…BUT we still have to watch and tell our readers how we feel about it.

 

Now is it just us or was Dr. Drew rushing through his meeting with Steven Adler to get on to something more exciting and worth his time?  Dr. Drew didn’t seem to give two shits about that man showing up at the sober house high as the sky!!  How the fuck do you come to the sober house right after your ass finishes rehab high as shit?  Dayum!  That’s why we never fucked with drugs. 

 

Amber Smith been a junkie for how many years and the bitch is still bad!  She looks well rested and beautiful.  The rest of those broads look like shit, using props around the sober house to hide their guts and shit! 

 

It’s only episode 2 and H&V are already sick of Steven playing with that damn hair like he’s a broad!  He needs to cut that shit off and step into the 21st century.  Even Bret Michaels is somewhat new school…he has extensions in his hair!

 

Steven Adler has a lot of nerve calling the housemother a “fat bitch”.  He shouldn’t be talking shit about anyone with his heroin-addicted ass!  He said that he is still in the business.  No the fuck you’re not.  He ain’t been in Guns N Roses since H&V were kids!

 

Poor Rodney King looks like he doesn’t even want to be there with the others, doesn’t he?  He’s just trying to get his check after the show and move on with life and that light skinned fiancée of his.  Seth thinks he’s funny.  We know what he was really saying to Rodney…”nigga get up here and barbecue”! 

 

At first we thought that Steven’s wife, Carolina, needed a green card because she damn sure ain’t with him for his money.  This muthafucka ain’t got money the first!  She doesn’t have a fucking wedding ring (he probably pawned the shit for drug money) and this bitch walked into the sober house with a fucking Dooney & Bourke bag on her shoulder!  Then it hit us, H&V think that the little money he has left, Carolina took it and put that shit away for herself.  She is bleeding his ass dry and he’s too fucked up to know which way is Sunday.  Even when the house mother (we gonna learn her name one day) called Carolina to come get his ass, she said “I’ll call you back in 10 minutes”.  Carolina ain’t call back or come get this fool!  She was probably in bed with her good looking, sober, Latino lover!  Don’t act like nobody didn’t see her standing there laughing at him while he was running around at the barbecue making a damn fool out of himself!  It’s a joke to her because she’s getting paid.  Bet!

 

Did ya’ll see Debo’s ass roll up in a fucking Bentley?  His old ass ain’t got no business up at that woman’s house acting a fucking fool!  Even Rodney King wouldn’t fucking deal with his ass! 

 

Then the black out hit!  Aww shit, were them muthafuckas not going crazy?  Steven was tiptoeing up the stairs with that lantern to smoke him some shit!  Like tip toeing was going to keep everyone from hearing him with a fucking camera crew right behind his ass.  He looks like a thing that goes bump in the night!

 

Bob’s Big Boy ain’t slick walkin back into the bathroom to get another whiff of the heroin fumes.  Even after the commercial break he was still sniffin the homemade foil shit! 

 

Seriously though, the house mother is better than H&V because he woulda called us one bitch before we put his junkie ass in the street.  How are you gonna stand in someone else’s house and call them out their name?  We wish he would!  She was patient as fuck, calling the police, his damn wife and friends.  NOBODY wanted to take his ass.  Like she was asking them to come pick up a bag of dog shit and take it back to their house.

 

Note to Steven Adler, if you’re a grown ass man, high or not, and it takes you more than five fucking minutes to fasten your jeans, then your jeans are too damn tight!  Period.  Take them bitches off and let your nuts breath for a minute, shit!

 

H&V don’t understand the appeal of heroin and don’t wanna know.  This fool was noddin while walking to the fucking door.  That didn’t look anything close to a good high.  Shit just looked raggedy and tiresome.  We don’t wanna do no shit that fucks us up to the point where we don’t even know where our fucking room is in the damn house! 

 

This season is going to be entertaining, even though none of us should be watching this type of shit for entertainment!

 

Anyone else watch?  What did you think?

 

In a minute…

 

 

Glam god?

Who is watching Glam God on VH1?  What the fuck is wrong with Vivica Fox’s face?  She looks like a Chinese Madam.  Why did she even mess with her face like that?  She hasn’t been right since Two Can Play That Game, but we digress.  Back to Glam God.

Hollywood has actually paid attention to the first two episodes and is not impressed.  How are you a stylist, yet have no sense of style?  I was pulling for Tiger Lily, but she fucked up tonight, too.  This broad was supposed to style an up and coming actress for the red carpet; sort of like her coming out appearance.  Why did she put her in a basic black dress with red pumps and a red handbag like it was 2006 and Yung Joc was still relevant?  It’s not that damn hard to style a nobody for the red carpet, but she couldn’t even do THAT right@@

Hollywood and Vine’s sources say that Glam God producers weren’t exactly interested in finding the most talented, undiscovered stylists in the game.  As per the usual in reality tv, they were more interested in finding a bunch of over the top, dramatic, clowns with a few actual stylists sprinkled in for good measure.  One man was basically in charge of casting the stylists, but had no damn style himself.

Vivica really shouldn’t be so hard up for money and attention now that she’s dating that rich, old unattractive ass David Caruso.  It’s not a good look!

In a minute…

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