Now ya’ll know Hollywood doesn’t watch shit like DWTS. So I’m on my own this season. I’m blogging this one in real time bitches!
First out the gate…Lil Kim! Good Gawd, did she get hip implants? She is big as a jail cell. Speaking of, this broad just dedicated her performance to her homegirls in the federal pen! What is wrong with her? Anyway, I’m over the shock of her back fat. Let’s watch her dance. She wasn’t bad! The choreography was boring as shit, but she was cool.
Belinda Carlisle is gettin’ motion sickness and she ain’t even started. This waltz is gonna be a disaster. Poor Jonathan can’t get a decent partner to save his life. Bitch Belinda just wasn’t graceful. That shit was terrible! Wait a minute, Bruno just told her she looked like Cloris Leachman out there! Ya’ll see, Vine knows what the hell she’s talkin’ about. Total – 17!
Lawrence Taylor (LT) and Edyta are up next! He thinks he has more dance ability than Jason Taylor. Not movin’ around like a gigolo and shit he don’t. This ain’t gonna be pretty. Oh Lord, this is more painful than I thought. He was just so stiff…oh wait, was that his wife with that bad wig on that they just showed! Total – 16!
Next up, Steve-O from Jackass. Bullshit already! This fool been sober for 1 year, Lil Kim was in jail. This is like Dancing with the Stars – Celebrity Rehab Edition! I can’t believe I’m sayin’ this, but he ain’t bad! Lacey’s gonna have him fuckin’ up the dance floor this season. The judges pretty much hated him, but they always hate Lacey’s shit at first! 17 total! Is anyone gonna break a 20 tonight?
Gilles Marini and Cheryl Burke! Finally! FINALLY! That muthafucka did his THING! That shit was hot. Cheryl is back!! Um, can the camera not catch his son screamin’ with spit flying out his mouth? Just askin…24 total! You betta work bitch!
Julianne and Chuck somebody are up. That’s her dude. She talked all this shit last season about not dancing this year to focus on her singing career. She changed her tune quick didn’t she? How the fuck many times is she gonna say “honestly”? I smell a drinkin’ game comin’ on! Next…
Holly Madison is Jewel’s replacement. She’s gonna look like hell dancing, I know it. She should been more naked. No wonder Hef wouldn’t have kids with her. Her hips don’t work. I’ll give her a little credit. She only had a week to rehearse vs. everybody elses month. They gotta keep her around at least another week. Carrie Ann looks disgusted. Jewel wouldn’t have done better so it’s a wash. Holly’s ass got an 18!
Our girl, Melissa Rycroft must be comin’ up after the commercial! 48 hours to rehearse and she probably got the fucking waltz! Nope. They’re gonna save her till the end.
Ty Murray is up with his partner Chelsie. She’s new. He looks as stiff as Gilles dick in the Sex and the City Movie. Um, why is he dancing like that? He looks like he has a spur up his ass. Did ya’ll see Carrie Ann and Len? That’s how Vine looked. Len, shut the hell up. This isn’t called “Trying” with the Stars. Nobody gives a shit that he tried. Billy Ray Cyrus wasn’t that bad. Well yeah he was, I’m lyin!
Shawn Johnson and Mark Ballas. She is an Olympic gold medalist. She obviously stopped trainin cuz she’s a chunky one! That little chubby girl danced her ass off though! That was clean. She better get at least a 24! We’ll find out after the break. Naw, Bruno fucked her with a 7! 23 total!
Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak and Karina Smirnoff are up and bitch looks like she’s naked in that outfit. She and Maks ain’t been together a year and he proposed. Now I’m SURE she has kryptonite in her pussy, but I digress! Karina and this clown are going home first unless all the geeks unite and vote for his ass! That mighta been one of the worst fucking performances I’ve seen on DWTS. For real! Damn 13! Samantha, why are you shocked that this man is still smiling? He’s the fucking co-founder of Apple! You think he gives a shit about winning or losing DWTS? She’s an idiot.
David Alan Grier is up next! I hope he manages to look straight masculine for once. Why do they give all the brothas to Kim? Damn, even his sweats were goin up his booty! He was pretty decent. No, Len, his ass was stickin’ out cuz he didn’t want his dick to get close to a woman’s Kim’s body, period! Women know what the hell I’m talkin’ bout!
Whoa, Melissa has an engagement ring on! Hmm, gotta find out about that.
Denise Richards and Maksim are partners. She better watch those wandering eyes before Karina whoops her fuckin ass over that man! Oh please, this bitch is crying and shit! Aight, let me take that back about Steve Wozniak. THIS broad might be the first one to go home. She better hope Maks’ fans keep her uncoordinated, non-dancin’ ass in it. I can imagine Heather Locklear layin’ on the floor somewhere holding her stomach and crying from laughing so fucking hard at this bullshit! How did this ho get 18? LT was better than that. So was Steve!
Finally, Melissa and Tony are up next. They are reallllllly draggin’ this shit out! MELISSA, YOU BETTER WORK BITCH! That shit was fucking fabulous! I love this bitch! Why? Cuz she’s humble as shit AND the bitch can dance! It was sweet to see someone really be excited and overwhelmed to be there on night 1 to the point of tears. 800.868.3413!
I can’t wait for them to start kickin people off cuz this shit was tiring! Too many damn heads!
In a minute…