Where Reality Meets Rhapsody

Posts tagged ‘Bobby Zarin’

Real Housewives of NY: 05/27/10

So producers sent Kelly home to seek medical treatment for her mental issues Kelly decided to go home in the middle of the night!  Thank God for small favors.  I don’t know if she’s mentally ill or on drugs, but last week’s breakdown was not a good look and frankly boring!  How long have we known this broad is nuts?!

I actually like Bethenny, Sonja, Ramona and Alex as a girlfriends unit!  Everyone is chillin’ out, relaxing and in walks Jill Zarin (with that sexy ass Bobby Vegas)…bull dozing through the house like politicians bull dozing over N.W.A. albums in the 80s.  How many times did she have to yell SURPRISE?  They heard you the first time and tried to ignore you!  What gets me is Jill’s inability to let shit happen without her being part of it.  Ya’ll know how much I loved Jill, but I’m not liking this season’s Jill.  How the hell do you tell someone you ain’t comin’ to their “renewal” and act like the whole trip is beneath you, then show up raving about how your private jet brought you after all?  Had she come in there will a bit more humility and said hey, I know I wasn’t supposed to come and I know things are strained with me and Alex and Bethenny, but I’ve come with an open heart to try and mend fences so that we can celebrate Ramona’s renewal, I think they woulda had a different attitude toward her.  But true to Jill Zarin form, she made it about her and SHE somehow became the victim?  No honey, that act don’t work no more!  And every damn time someone doesn’t agree with you doesn’t mean they aren’t your friend!  Give that shit up already. 

Now I don’t know why the hell Alex was shaking like a leaf, but I got her point.  Nobody leaves their husband and kids to deal with bullshit!  Kelly was enough drama; the bitch wanted one fucking day of peace!  The irony is that when Bethenny came to Jill Zarin with a humble attitude and an open heart, she shunned Bethenny…but that was okay cuz she wasn’t on the receiving end.  Hypocrite!  Roller Girl was right, Jill Zarin maneuvered all season to be “on top” and now that everyone gets the message that she ain’t their friend, she mad@@  And in the midst of it all, Ramona’s ass manages to choke GNR!!!

Alex is full of shit talkin’ about it’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean!  Only people fucking dudes with small dicks say bullshit like that! 

How has Ramona been married 17 years and supposedly has this fabulous sex life with Mario who probably visualizes Jill Zarin while tappin’ that, but has never been handcuffed?  She better get with it.

I am shocked as shit that Countess Lu told Jill that she understood why they asked her to leave!  Okay, here comes Kelly’s crazy ass!  She’s so fucking dramatic.  Really?  Were you shell shocked?  Give me a break!  How does she hate gossiping, but was sitting there GOSSIPING?  Kelly couldn’t talk to someone like a human being if she tried!  What conversation is she remembering?  I saw the episode and nobody was even being serious about the one night stand thing.  They were playin’ with her ass.  Get a fucking sense of humor crazy person.  So now that Kelly doesn’t have any friends who’ve hired Bethenny to “cook” for them, she’s a make believe chef?  Don’t they see how fucking crazy this woman is?  Jelly Bean Bensimon needs medication.

Over to Sonja’s party, all this double cheek kissing is nauseating!  Wait a minute, Countess Lu was the one who said “Poison Island” but she just put it on Kelly LOL!  These are some cold blooded broads.  Basically, they told it like it was.  If Lu doesn’t believe it, that’s her dumb ass fault.  Don’t you love how she put her beef with Bethenny and Alex aside to gossip!

Jill’s holiday party is finally here.  She’s missing Bethenny, as she should!  They had a very special, real friendship and I think that Jill single-handedly brought the situation to the point of no return.  Now that’s the attitude and tone she shoulda had when she went to St. John, but whateva.  I’m glad Roller Girl took the high road and said yes, BUT I don’t think their friendship will ever be restored.  OMG, OMG Jill just ate it!  OMG!  I’m glad she was able to laugh at herself. 

WHY does Kelly insist on having a conversation about some bullshit when they’re supposed to be supporting Jill and her event?  Then she had the NERVE to ask the event planner to watch her kids…likes she’s a fucking babysitter@@  If she needed to talk to Ramona so damn badly, why didn’t she contact her prior to now?  Cuz she’s a nut job.  She’s like a dog with a bone.  She wasn’t think one thing about Ramona until she was thrown in front of her.

Uh huh, see, Jill Zarin is starting to see the error of her ways.  She sees that she’s about to be the odd woman out and she’s trying to fix it.  I’ll give her props for that.  It takes a lot to say you’re wrong.  Oh gawd, now that Jill has made up with Ramona, Lu can hug her, too!  She’s as phony as that overproduced bad song she recorded!

Next week is the finale then we’re onto Bethenny’s show! 

…in a minute

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Real Housewives of NYC: Episode 10 Recap

Oh Lordy, we’re startin’ off with ex-Countess Lu.  Victoria is home for a visit after being gone 2 months.  Damn, they couldn’t even go pick the child up and bring her home!  OH MY GAWD!  How does Victoria not know what the fuck Goodwill is?  I mean, I know she’s the daughter of a Count and all, but who doesn’t teach their kids about Goodwill?  This is ridiculous!  Was it just me or was Victoria over her mom’s superficial ways?  She seemed to be a lot more grounded!

Over at Jill Zarin’s apartment, the BBC came through to do an interview. He talked about a little bit of everything.  I thought it was a good interview 100%  because of Jill Zarin!  She did a fabulous job and really carried that boring ass British dude! 

Kell is taking her new head shot, but then she asked the photographer to take some “from behind because they’re spicy”!??  Huh…come again!?  Is it a head shot or an ass shot?  Oh yeah, Mr. Photographer, will you throw in a few bikini shots for me so I can be the “A” in hAlloween for a Halloween party invitation I’m sending out soon!  Is this not the most random bitch out!!

Victoria and Mommy Dearest are out shopping or as ex-Countess calls it “spending quality time”.  And JUST LIKE THAT, ex-Countess let the clothes take over her thoughts and poor Victoria was sittin’ bored as shit waiting on her!  She said price doesn’t matter.  Hmmph, I bet it matters a bit more now that her ass is gonna be on a monthly budget!  I like to call it….alimony!

Jill Zarin is getting her Halloween costume made for herself and her damn dog.  They’re gonna be Elle Woods and Brewster from Legally Blond.  Aight, Jill Zarin is tryna dress up her dog in pink froo froo clothes.  THIS is why animals attack their owners.  It’s a dog…stop dressing them like people.

Jill Zarin and Aunt Cookie are on the air with Jill’s sister!  What is with the 20 second time outs that Bravo does after barely showing one segment?  That’s the shit they did last week with Kelly running in the middle of the damn street.

I thought I’d get through the whole episode without Simex, but I’m not that damn lucky!  She’s picking out some brown paper bag lookin’ top that I think uses the proceeds to feed kids?  I don’t know.  Some sorta gimmick.  Luckily, Alex can wear a brown paper bag and make it look good.  She and Simon work my nerves, but I gotta give credit where credit is due.  Simon is right…the bitch can wear anything well!

Over at Ramona’s condo, unfortunately.  Ramona’s talking about how judgmental Avery is.  Um, I wonder where she gets that shit from!  Oh here she goes…why does Ramona gyrate when she’s really tryna make a point?  If she doesn’t want the child’s judgment, then send her ass out of the damn room!  Simple.  She and Mario make everything so damn hard! 

It’s pumpkin carving time at Casa de Simex!  Simon is such a freak asking his kids if they remember 1967! 

Jill Zarin aka Elle Woods and Brewster made her arrival at Kell’s Halloween Party.  She looked a mess.  It was all in good fun.  Ramona came as Robin Hood.  Bethenny was Roller Girl and her dog was Roller Bitch!  I LOVE HER!  She knows how to have a good time and laugh, especially at herself!  Jill Zarin and Bobby Vegas are wrong, making Brad think that he was eating dog food!  That was hilarious, but what I really want to know is “did Ramona take a bite of the food that her dog had been licking on”?

Jill Zarin and Bethenny are at Hudson Terrace where her charity event will be held.  Is there anything funnier than Bethenny imitating Jill?  I don’t believe there is…not on this show! 

Alex and Bethenny met for brunch to discuss the progress of her Skinny Girls Cocktail logo!  Miss B loves it.

Tonight’s Kelly’s Halloween party.  Bethenny said fuck it, it’s a recession…I’m gonna be roller girl twice.  Bitch is funny!  Okay, hold up, this bitch Kelly has a CASH BAR at her party?  What the fuck?  That is the tackiest shit, period!  You don’t ask your guests to buy their fucking drinks at your party.  I’m with Bethenny – how the hell is she gonna put her name on this bullshit ass party, but not on Jill Zarin’s charity event? 

Jill Zarin aka Marie Antoinette and Bobby Vegas showed up!  She looked great, natch.  However, her smile turned upside down when she found out that A) Kell wasn’t there and B) she had to pay for a soda. 

Lu talks so much about being a former model, but the damn photographers had to tell her how to pose on the “red carpet”.  She’s so full of it.

Simex went to the party as Sarah Palin and “Moose”!  Guess they’re not Republican! 

Bethenny is a one woman show!  Her rant before she shook the spot was priceless.  Roller Girl doesn’t care LOL!  Not only did she skate off, but bitch turned around and was skatin’ backwards down the streets of Manhattan!  I might be laughing about this all morning!

Ooooooh, Ms. Playboy Bunny decides to show up after all!  She’s a bitch!  A low budget, raggedy, fake bitch!  Wait, did this broad just have the NERVE to say that she’s a mom so she didn’t want to be over the top even though she has on a black, satin leotard, fishnets and pink pumps?  Um, whatever Kelly!  WHAT?  She did not say that she was upset that the girls weren’t there when she got there?  Bitch get a clue!

I have five words to describe next week:  BETHENNY VS. KELLY PART TWO!

Vine…in a minute

Real Housewives of NY: Episode 9 Recap

Kelly better not start any shit tonight.  I’m still mad about that Miley Cyrus/Jamie Foxx shit!

Jill Zarin and Bobby Vegas started off with a cocktail party at the store.  She invited all the housewives, including Mario and Simon.  Let me eat my words.  Jill Zarin has no attraction to that man, BUT  he damn sure wants a piece of Jill Zarin.  He’s now sunk to the level of insulting Simon’s tennis match attire to get camera time.  He’s an asshole.  Next!

If Bethenny could sit for an hour and deliver one liners, especially about Ramona, I’d be so damn happy!

Oh GAWD…that troll Kelly just walked in with her gay boyfriend in a Forever 21 dress lookin’ like an extra on The Grind…Alaska!  What does this bitch have on?  She has on a dress short enough to show her birth canal with boots AND a coat made of poodle hair!  Is it hot or is it cold?

Aight, two things I noticed.  One, when Brad started going all ape shit over Max Max and talked to Alex about it, did ya’ll peep how quick Simon turned around at a mention of a tall, hot ma?  Well…he did.  Two, Brad would not be going on and on like that about a good looking straight man.  Gay men don’t have time for shit like that.  Max Max is as gay as I’m tellin’ ya’ll…in my opinion, of course.  Even Jill Zarin said “I THINK he’s straight”.  THINK??

Did those two tacky ass fools just have a pillow fight in Jill Zarin’s store?  What the fuck is wront with them?  Did Kelly and Max not remember that Bobby Vegas has to sell the shit in the future?  Triflin’! 

Over to Ramona and the skin care line that she pulled outta her ass!  She’s checkin’ out labels for her products.  She coulda hired me and Hollywood to do THAT.  All they did was put a little color behind some Times New Roman letters.  She’s so bootleg.  And will she PLEASE suck in that fucking gut.  Bitch talking about how good her skin looks (in her mind) but won’t do crunch the first to get rid of that damn stomach. 



Meanwhile, Bethenny is in hell Connecticut doing an in-store appearance.  Bitch couldn’t give away  one of them sugar free cupcakes.  Poor baby.  






Lord help, ex-Countess Lu is discussing the book with her co-writer.  She’s so full of shit talking about she kisses on both cheeks cuz that’s what she’s use to.  I know Native Americans and they don’t kiss on both cheeks as a matter of habit.  She be makin’ shit up as she goes along.  What I wanna know is if she’ll put tips on how to properly handle your husband dumping you via email…or how to make out with a youngster in a hotel elevator with class!  Ya’ll think that will be a chapter?


Kelly’s in L.A. talking about her “jewelry line” with an ACTUAL jeweler.  Someone please stick a needle in her head and deflate her damn ego.  She acted like she created something.  The shit was already fucking done when she walked through the door. 


Um, Jill Zarin, babe, can you not be chasin’ your unruly ass dog through the store while customers are waiting.  They loved her, but fuck. 


Hold the phone, was Kelly just running in the middle of Manhattan traffic for no fucking reason?  Please tell me it was a commercial of some sort.


Jill Zarin is going to pick out a new custom made bag for her birthday (courtesy of Bobby Vegas, natch) and she invited Kelly the Troll to help her.  Traitor!  She brought her two daughters.  One of her kids is named Sea!  Really?  Sea?  Jill Zarin dropped 16 grand on a handbag.  Of course the Troll is gonna be nice to you.  The bitch is a climber.  She’ll do whatever she can to whoever she can if she thinks it will advance her social status.  You gotta see through that shit Jill!!


Ex-Countess Lu was choosing the cover for her book “Class with the Countess” and mentioned that her relationship with the Count has been like a dream.  So now, is it like a dream that she woke up from when she read the email about him and the African hottie?  Again, just askin’…


Jill Zarin’s apartment is being photographed for a magazine.  WHY does she look like June Cleaver?  What was up with the Stepford Wife look?  Hated it!!


So Jill asked the people from the magazine if they had a PP…a private plane.  I wonder if she asked Bethenny if A-Rod has a big PP or a little PP.  I bet he has a decent sized PP that he can’t work too well.  He’s a baller and bitches think he’s fine…he doesn’t have to know how to work it!  Sorry, I’m no longer talkin’ about a damn jet!


Over to Ramona’s scatter brained ass and Bethenny.  B is tryna help Ramona understand that the name of her skin care line has to match all the labels and shit.  Ramona is such a fucking idiot.  How do they have any money in the first place?  This is elementary shit.  Bethenny offering her good advice, but she’s too stubborn to listen.


Aight, Ramona just dropped the obligatory dig at Jill.  Glad Bethenny checked her ass.  But then Ramona insulted Bethenny saying how Jill only likes her cuz she’s the underdog and she’s struggling!  Huh?  That ain’t true, but let’s say it is.  WHY would you announce some shit like that in a room full of muthafuckas that don’t know Bethenny?  Damn this bitcdh is rude as fuck!


Later, Bethenny hit a photo shoot for the cover of her book “Naturally Thin”.  She looked great.  Can’t wait to see the real thing.


Bobby Vegas surprised Jill Zarin with a Mercedes SUV for her birthday!  He’s so good to her.  Jill is pissed that her iPhone won’t work in the car.  So Bobby Vegas said he’ll get her a new car!  Please excuse me while I pour myself a glass of wine.


Alex is on her way to meet Simon for her birthday surprise.  Jill Zarin just got a new Benz and he’s meeting Alex on a street corner with some ugly roses wrapped in plastic!  


They went into a jewelry designer’s suite to pick out some custom earrings.  They left and Simon started acting like a crack baby screaming about the surprise being ruined when the driver took a wrong exit.  Calm the fuck down.  Nobody’s gonna die because a birthday surprise was ruined!!  After Simon simmered down, they made it home to have a mini party with their bad ass kids.


Next week: Kelly’s hosting a Halloween Party and doesn’t even

show up.  Bitch!


Did ya’ll watch?  Thoughts?


…Vine…in a minute (www.twitter.com/hollywoodNvine)

Real Housewives of NYC: Bethenny vs. Kelly

I know it’s late, but this is a live blog for me!  Let’s get to it.

They start off with Ramona offering Kelly a ticket to the Badgley Mischka fashion show during Fashion Week.  My question is, why doesn’t this bitch already have tickets if she’s so fucking fly?  Kelly is the first one to toot her own damn horn about how important she is, but she gets tickets from Ramona to a fashion show?  Why?  Cuz she’s frontin’, that’s why! 

NO SHE DIDN’T!  No Kelly didn’t say that bad manners are disgusting to her.  Okay, then what the fuck does she call beating up her own boyfriend?  Is that shit good manners?  This bitch is out of her mind! 

Now Kelly is talkin’ shit about Bethenny!  I know that we have some white girls who read our blog and I don’t mean to offend, but ya’ll know good and fuck well that some of your counterparts play this passive aggressive ass game and it’s irritating!  Kelly is one of those bitches.  This whole passive aggressive I don’t know why Bethenny doesn’t like me act is bogus!  That’s why dealin’ with sistas is a lot easier…but I digress!

Over at Casa de Zarin…Jill and Bobby Vegas are liking everything Jill’s gay husband is doing at this point!  Brad has even gone over budget and Bobby Vegas doesn’t give a shit.  How can you not love this man?

Oh Lawd, over to Simex and their weird science ass kids!  Simon told the cameras that he can keep a lot of info in his brain.  Shit, he should be able to considering the only other thing in life he does is manage a hotel!

Aww shit!  They just advertised the Real Housewives of New Jersey FINALLY!  I know these 5 bitches are going to be over the top, ghetto and entertaining!  I’m talkin’ ATL housewives level…WATCH!

Back to Kelly and Bethenny!  Why does this bitch always look like a low budget piece of trash?  Ya’ll know I’m talkin’ about Kelly.  Bitch sat down and had a fucked up ass foul attitude from jump!  THIS is why they didn’t have these types of confrontations during the Atlanta season…cuz a bitch (Kelly) would’ve gotten her ass beat or at LEAST slapped, talkin’ to somebody like that.  Why the fuck would you invite someone to cocktails to tell them ya’ll ain’t friends when you were never friends in the first fuckin’ place?  I hope Bethenny throws her drink on this opportunistic bitch before the scene is over…for real!

This Kelly bitch met up with a man named Max Max!  Bitch had rolls at her knee caps!  Instead of talkin’ about Bethenny while on a date, she shoulda paid more attention to her gay date!  She said she was unsettled by the get together, but SHE is the one who asked Bethenny for the meeting!  Um, am I the only one who sees how fuckin’ nuts this hip-less bitch is?

Meanwhile, Ramona has bullied Bethenny into hangin’ with her and watchin’ Mario play golf.  Fucking snoozeville!  While there, they discuss the whole HipLESS Heffa fiasco!  Ramona knows Bethenny is being truthful, but she refuses to take sides cuz she thinks Kelly MIGHT help her progress in society somehow.  These bitches are transparent as a damn windshield!

At dinner, Mario and Ramona decided it was talk shit about Jill Zarin day!  Mario was bitchin’ about how Jill Zarin doesn’t do shit but shop, travel and eat.  So the fuck what!  If Bobby Vegas can afford for HIS wife to look good while chillin’ or sittin’ at home, then who gives a shit?  Mario, don’t hate cuz you have to send your wife to work every morning with that gut.

Anyway, Ramona is mad that Kelly wrote an article on the BM Fashion Show cuz she invited her and she used to be the fashion writer…in her own mind!  Get over it honey!

Back over to the Kelly and the soon to be ex-Countess Lu on their way to a Page Six Party, she’s STILL talkin’ about Bethenny.  Funny that she’s up HERE and Bethenny is down THERE, yet she’s still thinking about her.  Get over yourself, jealous bitch!  Even Countess Lu told her she was out of line.

Oh Lord, the gangs all there back in effect…even down to Simex lyin’ asses!  Aight, I’m gonna say it.  Jill Zarin and Mario have a sick and twisted sexual chemistry!  For real ya’ll!  Sure, some of it is jealousy on his part, but not all.  He WISHES Jill Zarin were his wife for just one day and as sexy as Bobby Vegas is, she wants Mario for about an hour!  Did ya’ll peep this shit between them?  Sexual frustration bitches!  Mario is worse than Kelly talkin’ bout he ain’t thinkin’ about Jill Zarin, yet he’s still runnin’ his mouth to SIMON of all people!  The Singers are two fake as muthafuckas!

It wouldn’t be Simex and Ramona unless an argument started.  Ramona explained that she basically hates them cuz she invited their social climbing wannabe asses to a celeb packed NY event and they didn’t show them the courtesy of informing that Alex had nude photos coming out two days later.  Ramona felt like that tarnished her rep.  Um, I feel her, but ain’t nobody thinkin’ that much about you Ramona.  Sorry babe!

Ya’ll won’t believe this, but I gotta go with Simex on this one…especially Simon!  The Van Kempens were right, PERIOD!  Ramona is a fucking hypocrite drama queen who needs to get a damn grip.

Excuse me for a minute, but that muthafucka Bobby Vegas is sexy as shit! 

In closing I have four words for ya’ll…KICK HIS ASSSS WAYNE! 

What did ya’ll think of last night’s episode?  And Jizzle, can I get some credit for being ON TIME with this week’s recap since you’re always hazing me LOL!!

…Vine…in a minute


Real Housewives of NYC: Episode 3

Yeah, yeah, the show was on 2 days ago.  Just sittin down so we can watch now.  Here we go…

The bitches are at the beach!  Everyone but Simex and Kelly, thankfully!  Only Jill Zarin would wear tons of jewelry to sit and watch Bethenny and Countess Lu take surf lessons.  Love that bitch! 

Ramona told Jill she keeps in shape by doing lunges, but was doing a fucking squat.  This broad is nuts!  What we don’t get about Ramona is that she does squats and shit to keep her ass and legs tight, but her mid section is about to be outta control?

Countess Lu’s slave, we mean housekeeper, Rosie, is back from the Filipines.  She looked great and lost weight, probably cuz she didn’t have Countess Lu money to eat good and shit.  How is Lu gonna tell Rosie that they’ll take it easy her first day back, then threw her into the fire known as the laundry room and shit?  Then she had the nerve to be rude as shit when Rosie gave her that bracelet calling it “fun”.  Translation – look at this cheap ass costume jewelry the maid brought me.

Did Ramona really sit there and challenge Countess Lu about her choice to send her kid to boarding school?  This is a nervy ass bitch!  We’re all for Ramona being honest and speakin her mind.  Obviously!  But she just beat that fuckin dead horse until Jill Zarin changed the subject.  Ramona is just tacky as shit.  She is living proof that money doesn’t buy class!  Everytime she opens her mouth!

Now Countess Lu knew good and hell well Jill Zarin wasn’t gonna hang with all that damn fitness.  She invited her on purpose to make herself feel better.  Gotta love Jill cussin and wearin a t-shirt with her company name on it. 

Over to the Hamptons dump that Simon and his beard, Alex, are renting!  Why must they always brag?  This fool was even braggin about all the fucking spa treatments he’s had!  They’re ridiculous.  Um, did anyone else think that Simon was about to orgasm while moaning “I’m feeling the heeeat!  I’m feeling the heeeeat!”  We’re with Ramona on this one – he makes our skin crawl, too!

On to the Hampton Classic and Kelly’s boring ass!  We can’t put our finger on it, but she is just way to full of herself.  Guess her horse felt the same way cuz he through her ass off during her ride!

Countess Lu had a going away lunch for Victoria and her homegirls while at the Hamptons Classic.  She is a cold piece of work teachin manners and etiquette, but getting up at a benefit and telling muthafuckas to shut up!  We think she just likes to hear herself talk.

Jill’s gay husband looked like one of the Village People gettin ready for the Tea Dance where they don’t serve any damn tea!  Bethenny is funny as hell and was the only person there with rhythm!  The best part about the party was when she was dancin with the gay guy outside the tent and bent over in front of him.  We ain’t seen a man move away from a woman that fast since Jack Twist in Brokeback Mountain!  He was lookin like honey, unless you have a dick the world don’t know about, you need to stand up!  For real, she and Jill need their own show.   

Back at the Classic, Ramona was there lookin like Julia Roberts on the Blvd. in Pretty Woman.  Why was she jockin Kelly like that?  Kelly ain’t want no parts of Ramona, probably cuz she looked like a hooker!  They should be friends cuz they’re both rude as shit.  They deserve each other.  Here goes Ramona talkin about bad manners!  These bitches are living in another world.

Love them at Russell Simmons’ Art for Life event.  Why the fuck didn’t anyone follow the purple theme besides Jill and Bobby Vegas?  What happened after that with Ramona and Governor Patterson is too embarrassing for even us to discuss.  She’s a fucking idiot!

Everyone was back at the Classic to see Victoria ride.  Ramona didn’t come, of course, cuz she can’t deal with someone else’s kid having talent!

They really need to bring it better this season.  We need coffee and sugar just to get through these damn episodes.  Thank God for Bethenny and Jill, otherwise we’d be fast asleep!  Millionaire Matchmaker is more exciting!

Random thoughts:

– Ramona, close your mouth when your eatin boo.  That shit was gross.

– Love that Countess Lu came unglued, yellin at the Count and shit!

– We really want Jill’s daughter to get her weight in check.  She’s too cute for all that!

Don’t forget to follow H&V on Twitter (hollywoodNvine).

In a minute…

Real Housewives of NYC: Episode 2

We are barely in the mood for Countess Lu to throw a fuckin birthday for her 1 year old dog at a doggy park, but aight.  Hold up, Countess Lu has a tramp stamp!  Wow! 

We love, love, love Bethenny!  Bitch is funny. 

Over to the Social Climbing Van Kempen’s.   Simex is shopping together cuz, of course, they don’t take a piss without the other in the room.  Freaks! 

We love the friendship between Jill and BethennyJill is a real great friend to tell Bethenny to save her money and stay at her Hampton’s home for the summer!  Stand up bitch.  And how can you not like someone whose husband is called Bobby Vegas!

Jill’sparents showed up at her Hamptons home.  They’re fabulous and funny, just like Jill.  Shocking! 

Ramona invited Bethenny to lunch at 75 Mainin the Hamptons; Ramona owns it…how convenient.  She wants to hook Bethenny up with Mr. Right.  Um, H&V wouldn’t let Ramona suggest a toothpaste to us, let alone a man!

Anyway, Ramona wrote a couple articles for Cosmopolitan in the early 90’s.  Secrets to man handling according to Ramona.  This should be some bullshit, we mean good.  Here they go:

1.  Don’t wait for Kevin Costner.  Overly discriminating women wind up spending Saturday night alone with a container of HagenDazs.  H&V pass that test – Hollywood is waitin on Creepa from G’s to Gents and Vine wouldn’t wait on anyone with enough nerve to give an engagement ring that looked like a cracker jack box prize like Costner gave to his young, gold digging wife!  Just sayin…

2.  Be a consummate flirt!  Fail!  We don’t have enough time for shit like flirtin constantly.

3. Take his number and say you’ll call him.  What kind of bullshit rule is this?  Men should call women, not the other way around.  No wonder Ramona runs her pussy ass husband.

4. Say NO to last minute plans.  At least she got one right.  Any muthafucka callin you at the last minute used to have plans with a bitch he really like FIRST!  Shit, H&V would rather be at home with each other watching bullshit on tv than out with a nigga who called us at the last minute to kick it.  And did Bethenny just say “Homie don’t play dat!”  How could Jason let this broad go?  Bitch is funny!

5. Work on your body.  Ramona said “bod”, but H&V don’t say shit like that!  We do agree though.  No man wants to court a fat, sloppy bitch. 

6. Don’t do it right away, even though you’re lusting for him!  You fast bitches out there best to listen to this one.  This is like 101 shit.  Next…

7. Tell him “You can’t sleep over because…”We don’t feel Ramona on this one.  We don’t want a dude all up in our shit in the morning.  Be out!  Go to his shit, see what he’s about and then leave! 

8. Never talk about other men.  Well, H&V are out on this one, period.  Sometimes they need to know about the other caliber muthafuckas that have been on your team.

9. Be observant when you visit his mother.  Um, who wants to visit a dude’s mama?

10. Don’t cohabitate!  Hollywood disagrees – not Vine!  We’ll just leave it at that.

Meanwhile, Simex are at the beach talkin shit about how the beaches in NY are not as good as the beaches in St. Barts!  Shut the fuck up already.  If it sucks that badly, then fuckin go there.  Oh yeah, it’s probably not off season you cheap bastards!  And for the love of Pete, Simon stop wearing damn Speedos.  Nobody wants to see all that shit!

Now to the new broad, Kelly.  Like we said, the verdict is still out on her.  Let’s see if we form an opinion tonight.  Here she go, already complainin about how hard it is to do her job at parties like Hugo Boss cuz people are always takin her picture when she really needs to see what’s going on.  Give us a fuckin break bitch!  So far, she ain’t addin much if you ask us.

Gloria, Jill’s mom, and Bethenny have a heart to heart over breakfast.  Old girl had some good advice.  We think it was good for Bethenny to spend the summer at Jill’s in the Hamptons.  We like saying Jill Zarin!  We see how she became so genuine.  She gets it from her mama!

Countess Luis stressed cuz Rosie, the Filipino woman who really raises her children and takes care of her home, is off for a month while visiting her family.  Boo hoo.  Single mothers and middle class muthafuckas do this shit daily Countess Lu.  Get over yourself, especially when you’re ordering a damn pizza.  What the fuck is wrong with her ass?

Anyway, Countess Lu and her husband are being honored for no reason at some Hampton’s event.  She was even braggin to Kelsey Grammar about how she married a Count.  Does she think he cares? 

Bethenny, Jill Zarin and Bobby Vegas went to the event to support Countess Lu.  Oh dear God, Countess Lu got up and told everyone to shut the fuck up, basically.  Then our girl Bethenny said “That was not very Countess like.  That was DISCOUNTess!”  Fucking hilarious.  We don’t necessarily dislike disCountess Lu, but she needs to bring her nose down a bit.  Ya’ll ain’t in France.  You’re in the US.  Does that Countess Lu shit translate?  Better question…does anyone give a damn besides you and Father Time deLesseps?  Doubt it.

Next week looks as slow as this week, but that’s aight.  After that bullshit OC Housewives Reunion, we need a break.


In a minute…

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