Where Reality Meets Rhapsody

Posts tagged ‘Brody Jenner’

The Hills: 5/18/09 Recap

Due to all the reports about Speidi bitchin’ up in the jungle (filming “I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here”), I couldn’t resist tryna polish off The Hills episodes.  In case you’re not following @imacelebritynbc on Twitter, click here to see a photo of the alleged Mrs. Pratt in Costa Rica!  I hope the link works cuz girlfriend looks a hot AND humid mess! 

Now, back to The Hills…Heidi’s real dad is coming to town.  Based on how she described him to Spencer, he’s a gun totin’ hillbilly!  Now the transformation makes sense; she wants to erase that kuntry side of her!

Audrina is at work and has the hots for someone in the cheesy ass band shooting a video!  Not only is she loose between the legs, but she’s professional, too! 

Speidi is over at Shutter’s on the Beach in Santa Monica!  I LOVE the hotel and the cafe on the beach where they’re eating!  OMG Heidi’s dad has on a cowboy hat INSIDE while they’re about to eat!  Aha, I see where she gets her class.  Just watchin’ all four of them (his poor new wife was w/him) at the table left a bad taste in my mouth! 

Brody and LC are at dinner.  I know I’m a broken record, but look at those two!  Will they please get together?  He told her ass not to try and help Stephanie out, but she didn’t listen. 

Steph and Audrina are out with two ugly dudes from “the band”.  This asshole had the nerve to flirt and take Steph out, but has a live-in girlfriend at home?  He betta be glad anyone talked to his ugly, Edward Scissorhands lookin ass…this piece of shit had the nerve to make a play for another broad.  I’d whoop his ass!  Steph let that fool know and she and Audrina bounced!

Spencer and Mr. Montag are walkin’ around the beach.  Her dad looks a complete fool out there in Santa Monica with yellow jeans on and that damn cowboy hat!  The whole scene looked like an episode of Bonanza, straight up!

LC dropped an f-bomb on Stephanie…as in “you’re FIRED”!  Why is Stephanie’s ass cryin?  Bitch didn’t lift a pinky to even pretend like she was doing work while she lived there, but now she wants to shed tears!  What did I tell ya’ll about that passive aggressive shit? 

Just saw a commercial for LC’s last episodes (I’m behind) and they showed Heidi from before she started fucking up her body and face!  She wore her natural hair, less make-up, and only had the boobs and lips done at that point.  Even THAT looked better than she does now.  Dayum!  I just can’t stand to see people fuck with themselves like that…all that damn plastic surgery is fucking unnecessary for someone who looked like Heidi did.  Now if she looked like that girl starring in Dance Flick, that would be different!  I kid, I kid!

Spencer and Heidi are on a ferris wheel enjoying a “romantic” evening together.  Speidi is about as romantic as a date with your sibling!  He pulled out a canary yellow diamond ring in the middle of her “honey do” list.  You woulda thought he put his dick in her mouth the way she got all quiet.  She said yes, of course, because the script told her to do so at that moment!

As hard as this is to watch, it’s not as bad as the New Jersey Housewives…

…Vine…in a minute

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The Hills Season 5: 4/27/09 Recap

Why do ya’ll request more of the shows that I watch?  Bombard Hollywood with requests.  Oh speaking of, she’ll be glued to Gotti’s Way and New York Goes to Work for anyone looking forward to that shit.

I know I’m late with the Hills, but it’s so hard to watch this bullshit.  Aight, here we go.

LC, Lo, Audrina and Steph went on vacation to Hawaii to crash the boys’ trip.  Wow, they seem SO fucking shocked.  Come on now.  Stephanie ain’t been there 20 seconds and bitch already has a drank in hand.  If you saw it, you know I ain’t lying.  20 seconds MAX LOL!

Natasha Bettingfield or whatever, is still getting paid for this old ass song.  I ain’t mad at her.

Back to Hawaii, Audrina is drooling over Brody, but obsessing about Justin Bobby!  How could anyone think of someone so ugly while sitting in a beautiful place like Hawaii?

Back in L.A., the newly married (in “real” life) Speidi are at Barnes & Noble talkin’ about how Heidi’s ex Colby is coming to town.  Didn’t see that one coming. 

Colby and his girl are at XIV to meet Speidi for dinner.  This shit is lame.  Colby’s girl, I think Ashley, looks like a down home school marm.  She played the shit outta Heidi though tellin’ her how she’s seen pictures and she looks like a totally different person now.  One for the virgin!  She might not be gettin’ laid, but she could tell the new hair, lips and boobs a mile away! 

Over in Hawaii, Stephanie is pretty much pimpin’ Audrina out to Brody and he bit.  Audrina wears way too much make-up.  She doesn’t need all that shit.  Ease up boo!  Stephanie done encouraged her to whore herself out to Brody to make Justin Bobby jealous.  Uhhh, why not just hook up with Brody cuz he’s fine as hell?  What does that homeless lookin’ dude have to do with anything?

Spencer being the creep that he is, took poor, backed up Colby to box figuring he had plenty of aggression to get out since he can’t let it out on Ashley or the maternity dress she had on at dinner.  Dude couldn’t even jab right.  So let me get this straight.  He doesn’t drink, smoke, cuss or fuck AND to top it off he can’t protect my ass if somethin’ goes down?  I’d rather fuck with Spencer!

Speidi has the Virgins over for Bible study.  They ought to be shamed playin’ with the Lord like this.  Anyway, Ashley said that in the Bible, sex before marriage is called “fornification”!  FORNIFICATION?!  Really!?  Between her and Colby they ain’t the smartest couple.  They are lackin’ in all kinds of areas!  Spencer is looking at them like they’re from Bedrock and they drove to his apartment in a car that was powered by their feet!  This fool started texting during Bible study.  He’s a cold piece of work.

Back on the big island, Brody’s friends are tellin’ him how Audrina dangled her cherry in his face and he ain’t pop it.  I mean, no that’s not what they said exactly, but it’s what they meant.  Fine ass Brody makes it clear that he is only attracted to his girlfriend – remember the trashy broad from last week?  Her.  Oh wait, he amended that.  If it’s late night and nobody is around, THEN he would hit that.  Audrina just smiled and agreed like a damn hooker.

LC and Lo’s nosey asses wanna know what the fuck went down with Audrina and Brody last night; she spent the night with him.  Now Steph wants to play coy like she wasn’t pimpin’ Audrina out the night before. 

Brody admits to the boys that he fucked Audrina.  Audrina basically admits to the girls the same.  Steph told her that Brody’s girlfriend would be starting WWIII wit her when she finds out.  Audrina was like I don’t care, start a war.  Whatever.  I love white girls.  She fucked that woman’s boyfriend, but then had a chip on her shoulder about the girlfriend getting mad…like she didn’t do shit wrong!  Only in America.


Vine…in a minute

The Hills: 4/20/09 Recap

LC and Audrina are at some dive bar having drinks.  LC told her to get back out there on the man hunt.  Uh, I don’t think LC meant with Brody sweetie!  But that’s later in the show.

Over at People’s Revolution, Stephanie is workin’ Kelly’s last nerve leaving shit all over the place and preparing sloppy packages for clients.  Real gem you found there LC.  I give it two more episodes before Kelly makes LC fire her ass.

Spencer is outside of Boathouse tryna act out a scene win Heidi back! 

LC, Lo, Audrina and some girl with big teeth hit a club and ran into Brody!  Oh wait a minute, Justin Bobby is there, too!  There ain’t but one club in Hollywood?  Audrina didn’t peep him, but LC made sure she was prepared.  As she put her left hand on the side of her face, I guess to keep Justin from reading her lips, she told Audrina to read her lips and screamed “JUSTIN IS HERE!  JUSTIN IS HERE!”  I see LC never learned to use her indoor voice.

Anyway, Brody to the rescue tellin’ Audrina that she’s so beautiful and should be having fun…not sittin’ looking all sad behind that fool Justin Bobby!  Not shockingly, the trashy girl with the L.A. pout (with collagen assistance) who was making out with Brody asked who the fuck Audrina was.  Showing her insecurities, she leaned over another person to make out with Brody!  Class act!?  If Brody would just get back with LC, we wouldn’t have to watch these other trashy broads!

Over at Audrina’s place, Stephanie’s nosey ass is there to get the dirt! 

OH, sorry, the trashy girl is Brody’s girlfriend Jayde. 

Who the fuck is Sleazy T and why is he letting people call him that? 

Ewww, Justin looks homeless.  How did Audrina date this clown, let alone have sex with him?  He is disgusting!  For real, I’m finding it hard to even swallow my diet soda.  Why are they fighting in the club?  And can Brody stare at her any harder?  Well shit, if I were a dude with that Jayde piece of work, I’d be staring at Audrina, too!

Back at People’s Revolution, Stephanie’s now hangin’ up on muthafuckas only after letting the phone ring 4 or 5 times!  I can’t believe that she is THIS damn clueless.  LC didn’t know how dumb this girl was before she referred her for this internship?

Speidi hits the therapists office in Beverly Hills.  I wonder how much MTV paid this woman to sink this low.  As Heidi explained to this her what the fuck happened, she looked more and more disgusted.  Like ‘if MTV weren’t paying my ass, I wouldn’t be fucking with these two teeny boppers’.  Even the therapist asked Heidi what she’s doing with Spencer.

LC, Lo and Audrina are at lunch talking about Brody.  It became clear to LC real quick that Audrina has a hot crotch for.  She didn’t look thrilled.  Now how did I know these three would end up in Hawaii during the boys trip?  That’s next week.

Am I the only one who thinks the script is getting worse by the week?  They shoulda had Stephanie be a shining star at PR totally showing up LC.  Then Kelly could’ve turned on LC, sending her deeper into her passion for her own clothing line vs. working on for someone else…thus, giving her a reason to plug her line on the show, as well as in reality.  I mean, that woulda been a good start. 

Vine…in a minute

The Hills Season 5 Episodes 1&2 Recap

I know, ya’ll are shocked that we’re reviewing the Hills.  But H&V used to watch this shit way back when.  We fell off, but since one of our readers made a request, why not!

Oh Gawd, Heidi, her fake lips, fake boobs, honk if you love Jesus self is up with some bad weave wearin’ girl.  I think that’s Spencer’s sister.  WHY do white bitches in L.A. just get their tracks put in and don’t get the shit cut or styled?  I don’t get that.

Audrina and Lo are together.  Hollywood & I love Lo!  I guess she said fuck it to UC Santa Barbara.  Just as well…that’s where she picked up that nasty coke habit, allegedly of course!  Sorry, I’m makin’ up for lost time.

So I take it someone is having a birthday.  Probably LC

Heidi and Stephanie are tryna come up with a lie to tell Spencer about where they’re going.  He would freak out if he knew she were going to hang LC.  He’s such a hater.  If it wasn’t for LC, yo ass wouldn’t be on tv asshole!  Eww, Spencer looks like he has a lip fungus, don’t he?  He’s creepy!

Over to the Marina, I’m lettin’ ya’ll know right now if one of them bitches ends up in the water, I’m done!  Oh my God, Brody is there.  Lord, please let those two get married one day!  How the fuck is Heidi gonna A) come LATE to a surprise party and B) come uninvited?  What’s wrong with this broad?  This shit is about to be like the Titanic.  Luckily all that weave in Heidi’s head doubles as a flotation device.  Just sayin’…

Back at sea, LC wants Heidi to leave, but is too nice to ask.  That and they in the middle of the damn water!  I’ve never seen a grown ass woman beg so hard to be someone’s friend. 

Over at The Dime, Spencer and Charlie spot Stephanie’s ex-boyfriend.  Being the attention whore he is, Spencer approached the guy for absolutely no reason.  The bartender, like Stacy, is like totally flirting with like Spencer and if I like have to hear this bitch say like one more time, I might like vomit.  She ain’t a regular is she?

Heidi called Spencer about the text Stephanie got from her ex! 

Spencer, you’re busted.  Now he’s gonna act like he’s innocent.  WHO is this fool gonna hurt?  And why does this muthafucka need to “touch you first dawg”?  If you’re gonna fight, then fight bitch!

What is it that Heidi doesn’t know about  what Spencer did at the bar?  Dude was clear.  She’s so naive!

You know what, I’m really fuckin’ pissed that Heidi got LC crying at her own damn birthday party!  This bitch is such a shine stealin’ drama queen!  It ain’t very Christian-like to steal someone’s thunder Heidi!  Seriously!  Do ya’ll follow Spencer and Heidi on Twitter?  They are constantly talking about how good God is, but he fightin’ folks at a dive bar?!  Granted, Hollywood & I know how good God is, too, but we don’t talk about it on the blog.  Why?  So that when we start cussin’ and actin’ a fool, nobody can shake their finger at us! 

How is it that she got all this plastic surgery, LC ain’t had none and STILL looks better than her?!

LC might not have wanted Heidi there, but she sure as hell took that Chanel shopping bag home with her!  Get it bitch!

Wait a minute, there’s another episode…Let me refill my wine glass!

Aight, Spencer goes off on Steph for tellin’ Heidi about flirting with the bartender.  Blah blah blah, brother-sister dramz! 

Lawd have mercy!  Heidi done walked into The Dime to confront the bartender, Stacy.  Why do bitches do that?  Never show another bitch your insecurities, period!  This is how broads get their man took. 

Back at the apartment, Speidi is fightin’ about his flirting.  She feels disrespected.  Here’s the deal Heidil..Spencer, as ugly and slimy as he is, is still a man.  Just cuz ya’ll allegedly engaged don’t mean he ain’t gonna flirt with other bitches!  He’s committed, not gay!  Chill the fuck out and stop being a damn nag!  Now she mad, so she done flown to Colorado!

LC checked Steph about bringing Heidi to her party! 

Over at Cafe Muse, Spencer and Brody met up.  Brody is giving him bad advice, but what do you expect?  Spencer is scramblin’ to make up with Brody cuz he knows he ain’t shit without Heidi.  For some reason, people like her music and her.  Nobody likes Spencer.  He’s the sidekick muthafuckas tolerate cuz of the main attraction!

Uh oh, Heidi just ran into her ex-boyfriend Colby.  He’s not cute.  Heidi don’t want him. 

Brody and LC got together to trash talk Speidi.  I wish they’d just get it right.

Okay, wait a minute, Spencer and Charlie are back at The Dime…the spot that got his ass into this mess in the first place.  And why are you lettin’ this bitch call her fiancee crazy?  He’s such a piece of shit.  What does Heidi see in this fool?  I know his dick is little, so that can’t be it!

I can’t believe all that shit just happened in 1 hour!  Did ya’ll watch?  Thoughts?

…Vine…in a minute…

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