Where Reality Meets Rhapsody

Posts tagged ‘Chuck Wicks’

Dancing w/the Stars: 4/27/09 Live Blog & Results

Shit, I almost missed Gilles and Cheryl kickin’ off the show.  Looks like Mr. Good(Big)Bar has a problem with his shoulder.  He got a cortizone shot so now he feels no pain, trust!  Lindy Hop for them.  He’s a little off tonight, like a step ahead of Cheryl here and there!  This has to be worse than his Jive.  I can’t believe this, but they actually made a sexy ass man look like shit with that jacked up ass hair and high water pants!  HATED IT!  The judges can like that bullshit if they want, but that was horrible to me.  Total 27!  They’re playin’ already!

Derek, Lil Kim and her I smelled dog shit grin are up next with the Paso.  You know, if her ass would show up to rehearsal on time, maybe Derek could work on those facial expressions and not just her dancing.  Side note, Derek tweeted the other day that bitch was 3 hours late.  WHAT else does she think she has to do?  Here we go…Kim is working this shit OUT!  Those dog shit faces suit her in this dance AND her back fat has all but disappeared!  You betta work!  That shit was HOT!!!!  Total 29!  Fabulous, but that shit was 30 worthy!

Julianne and 2 buck Chuck are up next.  Cha Cha Cha for them.  Julianne is in some panties with fringe hangin’ from them.  I’m not enjoying this!  Julianne is dancing around him.  Why is that fun for us?  That was bullshit.  I hope the judges call this one right!  Yes…right!  WHAT ARE THEY WATCHING?  They loved it.  I think at this point they’re trying to give decent to good dancers positive feedback so they can focus their negativity on Ty’s ass.  Watch.  I missed their scores, but who cares?!

Shawn and Mark are up with the Samba.  She looks cute tonight, not like a teenager as usual.  Mark looks fucking great!  I thought  that was good.  Not great, but good.  She wasn’t energetic enough for me!  Total 27!

Missy and Tony’s week in training is up.  She has a hairline fracture in her ribs.  Poor baby!  She and Tony performed in rehearsal and here it goes.  Shit, it looked like a fucking rehearsal mark through.  She woulda danced the shit outta that tonight.  Ya’ll already know she’s gettin’ my votes.  Nobody can deny my girl can dance her ass off!  Total 21!  Not bad for what we saw.

Ty and Chelsie are gonna salsa after the commercial!  Here we go.  Chelsie ain’t foolin’ me.  I know good and hell well she knew what Len meant by “had more rise and fall than a bride’s nightie”!  Lord have mercy – she done took Ty to get a spray tan for this shit!  He better bring it after all that.  They’re in trouble.  He’s already walkin’ stiff and they just started.  Umm, how do I say this gingerly?  That was ACTUALLY cool!  I’m shocked as shit.  Chelsie’s choreography is off the charts!  Total 24!  Not bad for them.

Team dances are  up next.  Hopefully there won’t be a train wreck like Susan Lucci’s Cha Cha group last season.  Ya’ll remember that shit?

Aight Team Mambo is first dancing to Single Ladies.  I feel a nightmare coming on!  Melissa (Lacey is taking her place), Shawn and Chuck!  Group section was tight!  Lacey and Tony were HOT!  Shawn and Mark are out doing their solo now.  He’s just outdancing her.  She needs some 5 hour energy or something.  Now Chuck and Julianne.  Really, they should ended with Tony and Lacey/Melissa.  Hold up, these fools just stripped into leotards and tights like Beyonce’s video!  That shit was absolutely hilarious.

Bruno has turned the judging into a Chippendales show!  He has the men standing all up in front of his with their tights on talkin’ about he loves a man who shops in the women’s department LOL!  Total 25, thanks to Bruno’s 9 and love of men in tights!

Team Tango is up next – Kim, Ty and Gilles’ sexy ass.  I’d like to Tango with him.  Aight, sorry.  You know by now I get easily distracted!  I bet this will be good!  OMG, Gilles shirtless.  HOT already.  First up Derek and Kim.  WORK BITCH WORK!  Shit, she just messed up and it showed all over her face.  Damn!  Ty and Chelsie are next.  I know he’s tryna look serious, but it looks more like he’s holdin’ in a shit.  Gilles and Cheryl bringing up the rear.  No, I won’t make another nasty joke LOL!  They were great and the whole group at the end was great!  I gotta give it up to Lil Kim.  She held her own on the floor with the two pro women!  FABULOUS!  Total – 29!

Update – Chuck and Julie Andrews went home!

Vine…in a minute

Dancing w/the Stars 8: 4/20/09 Live Blog & Results

Ya know, Hollywood and I need to move to the east coast so we can get this shit earlier!  But since we’re in hot ass Cali, we’re about to go live…3 hours late!

Before we get started, anyone who reads my DWTS recaps knows how much shit I’ve talked about David Alan Grier.  It appears that he read my trash talk cuz now he’s following us on Twitter…probably to keep an eye on how much David Alan Grier knows he’s gay talk comes outta my mouth!  Just a guess…

Aight, it’s 8pm bitches!  This week they have one dance and a group dance!  Ya’ll know I love a good train wreck!  I can’t believe this, but the Disney Remix is growin’ on my ass!  I must be bored. 

WHY is Samantha wearing some drapes?

Up first, the bitch to beat, in my opinion of course, Missy Rycroft.  Yes, Missy.  Like she’s my friend.  Tony is tryna toughen her ass up this week.  She can dance her ass off, but she’s too nice wit it.  So he took her to Wisteria Lane???  I like Terri Hatcher, but isn’t she better suited to give advice on which plastic surgeon in L.A. is best?

Here we go with the Argentine Tango.  WORK BITCH!  If she does not get a 30 for that shit,  then David Alan Grier shoulda slapped the judges!  The bitch is bad, I don’t give a damn why she got on the show.  29!  Len screwed them with a 9!  Fucking geriatrics!

LT and Edyta are up next.  He needs to go.  I wanna pull for the brotha, but he just ain’t doin’ good enough!  They have the Waltz.  He might actually pull this shit off.  I know Edyta besta come out that cloak before they finish this dance.  There it goes…OH GAWD.  This is a disaster!  Total 21!  How did that happen?  Charity?!

Derek, Lil Kim and her Mickey Mousenose are up with the Rumba.  Derek said that he has to tone down her sexiness.  What he needs to do is buy her a Lady Daisy so she can hit them underarms before they rehearse.  Just sayin…That shit was HOT!  Genius with the wardrobe, too.  For once I paid more attention to her dancing than her hip implants.  I disagree with Carrie Ann.  I thought it was fantastic!  Not as great as Missy, but great!  Does anyone get the impression that Lil Kim ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed?  Total – 26!

Oh Gawd, Chuck and Julie Andrews are up next!  They bore me in rehearsal.  Let’s get to it.  I don’t see him having enough rhythm to pull this off.   Aight, I’ll eat those words.  Two weeks in a row now…I liked that a lot actually!  So did all the judges.  Let’s see how it translate in his scores.  Total – 27!

Ty and Chelsie are about to try the Waltz.  He’s havin’ a hard time cuz he’s acting like he doesn’t find Chelsie attractive.  Ummm, okay Ty.  She looks country in that ugly ass dress!  So far so good.  He’s doing a decent job.  It’s enjoyable enough to watch.  Total – 24!  That’s like a 30 for them!

Shawn and Mark “The Boner” Ballas are about to try their hand at the Cha Cha Cha.  Shawn’s lookin’ like Kelly Monaco in rehearsal.  What’s up with that?  She’ll be aight when she hits the floor.  I thought that was FABULOUUUUS!  It suited her youth well!  Work it little girl, work that SHIT!  I loved it!  She wasn’t as great as Missy, but I think she has a 28-ish comin’ her way.  Did your girl Vine call that shit or what?  28 yall!

Bringin’ up the rear, Gilles and Cheryl!  They’re doin’ the Viennese Waltz and if I’m not mistaken….Gilles’ wife designed that ugly ass dress for Cheryl.  If this MoFo can’t dance damnit I don’t know who can!  That shit was fucking great!  I don’t give a damn.  Len can kiss my ass.  Cheryl has that twinkle in her eye again.  Gilles better keep it PG.  Come on now, don’t act like ya’ll don’t know Cheryl’s a man eater!  The judges don’t think it’s perfect.  I think he’ll tie Melissa!  Total – 27!  YES, that means my girl took the top spot this week!  Bitch earned it, too!

Group dance is on the way.  I know this is going to be a nightmare.  I just know it.  There are no words for how ridiculous this rehearsal is.  LT is pissed as shit about this bullshit!  I don’t blame him cuz he’s about to be out there lookin’ like a fucking clown LOL!

Ummm, what do you say about something that chaotic?  I wasn’t feeling the 60’s routine, but I thought some stand outs were Shawn and Melissa!  Lil Kim lookin’ like she smells dog shit while she dances is so distracting. 

What did ya’ll think of tonight’s show?

Update:  LT and Edyta were booted this week!

Vine…in a minute

Dancing w/the Stars 8: 4/13/09 Live Blog & Results

Aight!  I’m back live bitches!  We got the jive and the rumba tonight.  I’m still a little pissed that David Alan Grier is gone.  Now who will I call feminine?  I so enjoyed the way that he kept his pelvis away from Kim’s privates at all costs!  Gone too soon!

This theme song remix they play in the beginning is so Disney sounding…then Lil Kim comes out half naked.  OH GAWD, what are Julianne and Chuck wearing?  They look like they’re on S&M wit the Stars

First up, Ty and Chelsie.  Lord help, he has the Jive.  He’s too stiff for this dance, but the Rumba woulda been worse.  Okay, I’m tellin’ you, Jewel betta watch him gettin’ all pelvic thrust-ISH with this little girl.  This is a fucking nightmare!  He done messed up to the point where I’m watchin’ through my fingers.  This won’t be pretty.  Total 18!

Shawn and Mark are up with the Rumba.  I’m not expecting too much.  Technically she’ll be cool, but I bet this will be as romantic as me spending the night in bed with Bruno!  Yep, told ya!  She did all the shit right, but there was no damn fire!  What the fuck is Bruno talkin’ about?  Who the fuck wants to see the innocent side of romance during the damn Rumba?  Total – 26!

Next…LTand Edyta.  They have the jive.  Again, this ain’t gone be cute.  LT sounds like me and Hollywood wit all that fucking bleepin’ and shit LOL!  Warren Sapp came to visit LT in the studio.  OMG these niggas cussin’ and shit like they’re on the field.  I KNOW one of them let at least one “N word” fly and ABC left that footage on the cutting room floor. 

Here we go.  All I can do is shake my damn head.  Not a single hop in his step and he’s lookin’ at the floor.  I think he actually counted out loud at one point.  Send him home!  The judges must want him to stay on the show cuz they’re being way too nice!  Total – 22.  He better praise Jesus for that score.

My GIRL is about to take the floor!  She and Tony are gonna Rumba.  WORK IT BITCH!  Do ya’ll think she heard me?  She’s dancing it well but there’s no fire here, either!  Nobody’s gonna believe this, but I was disappointed!  Bruno was right.  She needs to go for it.  Let loose.  Act like you’re on Rock of Love or some shit!  Hell, let your inner stripper come out!  Total – 27.  They were kind and I love her!

Derek, Lil Kim and all her back fat are up with the Jive.  I still can’t believe she did that shit to her pretty face.  OMG ROFLMAO!  They are dancing to Jailhouse Rock!  WHY does she dance with that look on her face as if Derek farted on her?  That shit was horrible.  I don’t care how much screamin’ the judges are doing.  That was not enjoyable.  I like Kim, but not tonight!  THANK YOU LEN!  Keep that shit real!  It was ridiculous.  Total – 28!  TWO 10s?  You’ve gotta be kidding me! 

Steve-O and Lacey are up with a rumba.  I’m already prepared for a nap thinkin’ about the snoozefest on the way from these two.  You gotta be a really fucking bad dancer if you make Lacey boring.  Okay, why do white folks kiss dogs on the mouth? I ain’t being funny.  I really wanna know.  Back to the show…His hips do not work.  That’s clear.  Shit, David Alan Grier was better than this.  Send his non-dancin’ ass home.  It’s cool that he’s sober, but that don’t make him a dancer.  Total – 16!  Len gave this fool a FOUR ROFLMAO!

Gilles and Cheryl are about to jive.  Um, did Cheryl have a hole in her tights near the crotch?  Distracting!  I thought it was good, but it wasn’t his best dance.  Actually probably his worst dance yet. 

Heeeey, Queen Latifah and Jeanette Jenkins in the front row.  I like Jeanette’s new hair cut.  Makes her look more sophisticated.

Sorry, I get easily sidetracked!  What I really wanna know is what Cheryl be eatin’ cuz she ain’t dropped a pound.  Dayum girl.  Don’t get it twisted, H & I love Cheryl, but this ain’t a good look for her short as she is.  Total – 26.

Cristian de la Fuente was in the audience wit his fine ass!  He’ll be on Brothers & Sisters this Sunday.  I know what I’ll be watchin’.

One of my least favorite couples…Julianne and Chuck.  They’re gonna rumba.  They’re in the studio bitching about how tough it is to be lovers and student/teacher!  Spare me.  Ya’ll knew what the hell you signed up for.  She looks like a trashy hooker in that get up!  Um, how to I put this delicately?  That shit was fucking HOT!  I need a towel and shit.  Wow, that was fabulous!  I know those two muthafuckas have a HOT sex life after watching that rumba.  HOT HOT HOT!!!!  Oh, and HOT!  Poor Derek!  Awkward.  Total – 23 I think.  I’m still too hot to pay attention.

4/14/09 RESULTS – Steve-O and Lacey were booted!


…Vine…in a minute


Dancing w/the Stars Recap: 4/6/09

Sorry I couldn’t blog live last night.  H &V were out all night!  But I’m still hittin’ you with a recap.

I bet David Alan Grier cracks a Vietnamese Waltz joke before the night is over! 

First up, Chuck & Julianne.  It’s not that he can’t do the steps, but he has zero charisma.  He’s boring as shit! I don’t know what the hell Len and Bruno are talkin’ about.  I KNEW Carrie Ann would disagree cuz she feels me!  She’s right.  Chuck needs to sit under the red light one night to kick his ass into gear!  Furthermore, I’m sick of them paintin’ Julianne and Chuck as this fantasy, all-american couple!  Irritating!  Total – 23!

Next up LTand Edyta.  He has the Paso Doble and it ain’t lookin’ pretty.  What’s with him needing words in a song to connect to the dance?  Old people!  This is worse than Chuck and Julianne.  He just is not good, period.  He has O-ficially confirmed that the all black people have rhythm notion is nothing more than a myth! 

Oh Lord have mercy, Etta James’ old, senile ass is gonna be on the results show!  FINALLY someone is gonna let her sing instead of Beyonce!

Back to LT.  He got a 20.

Shawn and Mark are up with the Viennese Waltz.  You’d think she’d lose a pound or two with all this dancing.  That was GREAT!  I liked that shit.  She really is graceful and beautiful when she dances.  Loved it!  26!

My girl is about to hit the floor.  I can see her Paso being great, but no smiling this week boo!  Here we go with this damn Poker Face song.  Lord help. Melissa came out doing her thing, but she gave away her error by smiling.  So much for her damn poker face.  Overall it was good.  She got a 25!   I gotta agree with Carrie Ann…Tony is killin’ the choreography  this season!  He ain’t had shit to play with since Staci Keibler until now!

Moving on, David & Kim.  I was wrong, he didn’t say Vietnamese.  Even though he’s an actor, he just can’t seem to act attracted to a woman get into character.  Total – 22!

Up next, Gilles and Cheryl!  Wait a minute!  IS THIS FOOL SHIRTLESS?  Cheryl Burke…BITCH, YOU BESTA WORK!  Did ya’ll see this shit?  YES!  If they didn’t dance the shit outta that damn paso doble, I don’t know what the judges want!  That was HOT!  It should be another 30….Aww, Len fucked it up with a 9!  Hater.

Steve-O and Lacey are up and if his costume is any indication of how he’s gonna dance this week, it ain’t gonna be good! Um, are we supposed to give sympathy votes to him cuz he’s a recovering addict?  Just askin’…He is so terrible.  That hunched over back and shit.  Please put him outta his misery and stop voting for him.  Total – 18.

Ty and Chelsie.  I hope he is as good this week as last week!  Okay, Jewel better watch her man giving piggy back rides to bitches half her age who look better!  I’m just sayin’…they were already on shaky ground a few years ago.  Don’t be a fool, but I digress.  Uh no!  That was not good.  He didn’t hardly fuckin’ dance.  They are gonna eat him up!  Yeah, did ya’ll see Jewel lookin’ disgusted in the audience.  Watch what I’m tellin’ ya’ll!  Total – 21!

Last but not least, Derek, Lil Kim and her bleached skin are up!  Okay, why is Kim still tryna make music?  She kinda looked like Michael Jackson from the side.  Oh Lord, I hate this song, but Kim was good!  That was pleasant to watch.  Total 26!

I’m about to watch tonight’s results show, but what did ya’ll think of last night?

…Vine…in a minute

Dancing w/the Stars 8: Week 3

Nobody has even danced yet, but Gilles almost hit the floor coming down the stairs.  Denise Richards can’t even clap on beat, so I know she’s in trouble.

Denise and Maks are supposed to Samba.  Let’s see what she really does when the music comes on.  Hopefully this week she’ll count in her head instead of out loud for God and everybody to read her lips.  She just cannot dance to save her life!  All the black they wore was appropriate cuz that routine was dead!  Total 16.

Chuck and Julianne are about to Fox Trot.  First we had to listen to them whine about why Chuck’s scores last week were shitty.  Suck it up!  Um, I guess that was better but he looked hella feminine to me with all that hand and hip swayin’.  Judges like it enough for 23.  Bullshit.

Holly and Dmitry are supposed to Samba.  She said in rehearsal that it was hard for her “that day”.  JUST that day?  At least she looks good tonight.  You know, I never understood what men meant by women being a bad fuck.  But after watching Holly NOT move her hips or ass, I know what they mean.  These scores ain’t gonna be good.

Steve-O and Lacey are up next!  He was so focused on hurtin’ his back last week that the fool pretty much messed up the entire routine AND almost hurtin’ his back again at the end.  I didn’t like that at all and I like them.

LTand Edyta are gonna Samba.  He looks like he’s doin’ the hustle and shit. 

Shawn Johnson and Mark are going to Fox Trot in a minute.  They were very good, but they just don’t excite me.  Total 27!

Gilles and Cheryl’s Samba is up.  This should be hot!  I knew it.  They got more ass shakin’ than BET After Dark!  Now THAT was fabulous!  That has to be at least a 27, too!  Yessir!  27!

Oh there’s Naomi from the Bachelor in the audience.  I guess she’s there to cheer on Melissa!

David and Kim have only one way to go after last week. I didn’t know he was “married”.  Um, that intro was one step from CATS, if you know what I mean.  Kim did him dirty.  All in all it was very Broadway.  Oh, see Bruno said the same thing.  Carrie Ann said he looked like a Rockette!  Yes she did.  I couldn’t make this shit up.  Total – 24!

And why is Three 6 Mafia in the audience?

The Woz and Kryptonite Karina are about to Samba.  I love a good train wreck.  Damnit he is disgusting me and makin’ me laugh all at once.  Oh Lord have mercy on poor Kryptonite Karina.  That was beyond a disaster.  Was that the worm?  It looked more like the dead worm once rigor set in.  He managed to look more feminine than David Alan Grier.   Total – 10!

Melissa and Tony are up!  Fox Trot your ass off baby girl.  YES!  She better AT LEAST match the 27’s that the others got!  She is just a beautiful dancer, period!  Total – 27!!!  That’s right!

Derek, Lil Kim and her bleached skin are up next!  She’s doing a good job, but she smiled more when she was turnin’ herself in for jail!  Aww shit, LisaRaye was in the audience cheerin’ for her!  Total 25!

Last and not exactly least are Ty and Chelsie.  They’re gonna Fox Trot so he SHOULD be aight.  Okay, I know ya’ll are expecting me to make fun of Chelsie for falling, but I’m not!  I’m gonna give Ty props for keeping focused and not fuckin’ up the rest of the routine after that!  I’ll say it…good job!  Total 23!

…Vine…in a minute…

Dancing w/the Stars 8: Week 2 Recap

Real (California) time people…here we go!

Steve-O hurt himself earlier today so he and Lacey are out for the week.

Holly’s first up w/the Quick Step.  I think she’s gonna be worse this week than last week, but we’ll see in a minute!  Well she does look more like a lady than a tramp tonight.  This is just bad and ya know what, Dmitry don’t look all that hot out there either and he’s the pro!  Total 18…they didn’t deserve that much frankly!

David Alan Grier is about to Salsa with Kim.  They put him in a shiny gold shirt with ruffles down the front.  Someone in the wardrobe department at Dancing w/the Stars is funny as hell!  Okay, I can’t stop laughin’.  The look on his face when Kim rolled her ass in his face was priceless!  I don’t know what to say; that was worse than Holly’s dance.  We are off to a boring ass start tonight.  Total – 17.

Denise Richards and Maks fine ass are next.  She better thank God that the QS is done in hold cuz Maks helped her look a lot better.  Here they go giving her props like they did w/Brooke Burke last season.  This bitch cannot dance!  If the judges start this shit again, I might give up this show.  I’m lyin’, but damn…a 21?  Give me a fucking break!

Belinda Carlisle is up!  She and Jonathan are going to Salsa.  I think he’s gonna give her something to work w/this week.  Oh, I take that back.  Jonathan said he’s putting some of her 80’s moves into the routine.  Um, yeah cuz that goes with the Salsa.  This is a train wreck of large magnitudes ya’ll.  Belinda’s ass is going home tomorrow…if we’re lucky.  The judges are gonna eat her up.  Lawd have mercy, Bruno’s side show from his seat was better than what Belinda did on the actual dance floor.  Total 18 – they were being nice.  She shouldn’t have gotten higher than a 15.

Ty Murrayand Chelsie are gonna QS tonight.  His stiff ass will probably do a lot better than that disaster last week.  Are we gonna have to listen to his rodeo puns all season?  If so, I hope he gets voted off.  Just like I figured, he was way better tonight.  I was actually entertained watchin’.  Total 20.

Mark and Shawn Johnson are going to Salsa tonight.  This ain’t gonna be pretty.  Ya ever been to a salsa club and man who’s a great dancer has a partner who is doing the moves with ZERO personality?  That’s what Shawn and Mark were tonight, to me.  She went through the motions fine, but there was nothing memorable.  Total 24!

Steve Wozniackand Kryptonite Karina are gonna “dance” the QS.  I use the word dance lightly.  It seems that Steve is crushing a bone in his foot…surprise surprise.  No words for that.  That was the slowest QS I mighta seen on this show.  You can see the disgust in Karina’s face.  How in the hell did he get the same score as David Alan Grier? 

Country couple Julianne and Chuck are about to Salsa.  Chuck said he was gonna walk and move his hips like a girl….like Derek!  Um, Chuck, tellin’ alleged family secrets ain’t the way to work your way in.  Aight, here they go.  The most entertaining part of the performance was Julianne tryna prevent a wardrobe malfunction!  Chuck just can’t dance.  His hips don’t lie and they’re saying that he sucks in the sack.  Just sayin’…Seriously though, Carrie Ann was right.  The choreography was bad.  HOW did they get a 20??  Aight, I’m bout to call conspiracy in a minute!

LTand Edyta doing the QS was pretty good!  The judges seemed to like it, too, but we’ll see if they give him bullshit scores, too.  20!  Not bad.

Cuz of Steve-O’sinjury, he can only be judged by his performance in dress rehearsal.  Based on that, I wouldn’t give him one vote.  I’m with Len, it was unejoyable and where the fuck was the Salsa?  She had Julianne syndrome w/her creativity tonight.  Whoa, was it just me or did Carrie Ann just blame Steve-O’s injury on Lacey?  Damn Inaba…Bitch been cranky since she stopped gettin’ her groove back with that youngster.  Total – 14.

Derek, Lil Kim and her hip implants are doing the QS.  It’s so hard to look at her…but not while she’s dancing!  She did damn good!  Get it bitch!  Let’s see if the judges front on her.  Bruno and Carrie Ann liked it, but Len wasn’t impressed. 

Aww shit, look at Bethenny Frankel (NY Housewives) in the audience.  Love her!

Back to Lil Kim and Derek.  They got a 23!  (800.868.3401).

Melissa’s up next with Tony!  She better not disappoint tonight.  She worked her shit tonight!  Tony FINALLY has someone to take him back to the finals!  Love her!  Loved it!  Yeah, her parents wouldn’t be seen on the Bachelor, but they were damn sure in the audience for this shit!  26 BITCHES! (800.868.3413)

Last but not least Cheryl and Gilles.  Even dressed as a geek doing this shit he’s still sexy as hell.  That was great!  Dude can really dance.  Cheryl should be going back to the finals, too!  Total – 27.  They deserved that. (800.868.3405)

What did ya’ll think of tonight’s show?

…Vine…in a minute

Dancing w/the Stars 8: Season Premiere

Now ya’ll know Hollywood doesn’t watch shit like DWTS.  So I’m on my own this season.  I’m blogging this one in real time bitches!

First out the gate…Lil Kim!  Good Gawd, did she get hip implants?  She is big as a jail cell.  Speaking of, this broad just dedicated her performance to her homegirls in the federal pen!  What is wrong with her?  Anyway, I’m over the shock of her back fat.  Let’s watch her dance.  She wasn’t bad!  The choreography was boring as shit, but she was cool.

Belinda Carlisle is gettin’ motion sickness and she ain’t even started.  This waltz is gonna be a disaster.  Poor Jonathan can’t get a decent partner to save his life.  Bitch Belinda just wasn’t graceful.  That shit was terrible!  Wait a minute, Bruno just told her she looked like Cloris Leachman out there!  Ya’ll see, Vine knows what the hell she’s talkin’ about.  Total – 17! 

Lawrence Taylor (LT) and Edyta are up next!    He thinks he has more dance ability than Jason Taylor.  Not movin’ around like a gigolo and shit he don’t.  This ain’t gonna be pretty.  Oh Lord, this is more painful than I thought.  He was just so stiff…oh wait, was that his wife with that bad wig on that they just showed!  Total – 16! 

Next up, Steve-O from Jackass.  Bullshit already!  This fool been sober for 1 year, Lil Kim was in jail.  This is like Dancing with the Stars – Celebrity Rehab Edition!  I can’t believe I’m sayin’ this, but he ain’t bad!  Lacey’s gonna have him fuckin’ up the dance floor this season.  The judges pretty much hated him, but they always hate Lacey’s shit at first!  17 total!  Is anyone gonna break a 20 tonight?

Gilles Marini and Cheryl Burke!  Finally!  FINALLY!  That muthafucka did his THING!  That shit was hot.  Cheryl is back!!  Um, can the camera not catch his son screamin’ with spit flying out his mouth?  Just askin…24 total!  You betta work bitch!

Julianne and Chuck somebody are up.  That’s her dude.  She talked all this shit last season about not dancing this year to focus on her singing career.  She changed her tune quick didn’t she?  How the fuck many times is she gonna say “honestly”?  I smell a drinkin’ game comin’ on!  Next…

Holly Madison is Jewel’s replacement.  She’s gonna look like hell dancing, I know it.  She should been more naked.  No wonder Hef wouldn’t have kids with her.  Her hips don’t work.  I’ll give her a little credit.  She only had a week to rehearse vs. everybody elses month.  They gotta keep her around at least another week.  Carrie Ann looks disgusted.  Jewel wouldn’t have done better so it’s a wash.  Holly’s ass got an 18! 

Our girl, Melissa Rycroft must be comin’ up after the commercial!  48 hours to rehearse and she probably got the fucking waltz!   Nope.  They’re gonna save her till the end.

Ty Murray is up with his partner Chelsie.  She’s new.  He looks as stiff as Gilles dick in the Sex and the City Movie.  Um, why is he dancing like that?  He looks like he has a spur up his ass.  Did ya’ll see Carrie Ann and Len?  That’s how Vine looked.  Len, shut the hell up.  This isn’t called “Trying” with the Stars.  Nobody gives a shit that he tried.  Billy Ray Cyrus wasn’t that bad.  Well yeah he was, I’m lyin!

Shawn Johnson and Mark Ballas.  She is an Olympic gold medalist.  She obviously stopped trainin cuz she’s a chunky one!  That little chubby girl danced her ass off though!  That was clean.  She better get at least a 24!  We’ll find out after the break.  Naw, Bruno fucked her with a 7!  23 total! 

Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak and Karina Smirnoff are up and bitch looks like she’s naked in that outfit.  She and Maks ain’t been together a year and he proposed.  Now I’m SURE she has kryptonite in her pussy, but I digress!  Karina and this clown are going home first unless all the geeks unite and vote for his ass!  That mighta been one of the worst fucking performances I’ve seen on DWTS.  For real!  Damn 13!  Samantha, why are you shocked that this man is still smiling?  He’s the fucking co-founder of Apple!  You think he gives a shit about winning or losing DWTS?  She’s an idiot.

David Alan Grier is up next!  I hope he manages to look straight masculine for once.  Why do they give all the brothas to Kim?  Damn, even his sweats were goin up his booty!  He was pretty decent.  No, Len, his ass was stickin’ out cuz he didn’t want his dick to get close to a woman’s Kim’s body, period!  Women know what the hell I’m talkin’ bout!

Whoa, Melissa has an engagement ring on!  Hmm, gotta find out about that.   

Denise Richards and Maksim are partners.  She better watch those wandering eyes before Karina whoops her fuckin ass over that man!  Oh please, this bitch is crying and shit!  Aight, let me take that back about Steve Wozniak.  THIS broad might be the first one to go home.  She better hope Maks’ fans keep her uncoordinated, non-dancin’ ass in it.  I can imagine Heather Locklear layin’ on the floor somewhere holding her stomach and crying from laughing so fucking hard at this bullshit!  How did this ho get 18?  LT was better than that.  So was Steve! 

Finally, Melissa and Tony are up next.  They are reallllllly draggin’ this shit out!  MELISSA, YOU BETTER WORK BITCH!  That shit was fucking fabulous!  I love this bitch!  Why?  Cuz she’s humble as shit AND the bitch can dance!  It was sweet to see someone really be excited and overwhelmed to be there on night 1 to the point of tears.  800.868.3413!

I can’t wait for them to start kickin people off cuz this shit was tiring!  Too many damn heads!

In a minute…

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