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Posts tagged ‘Don Gunvalson’

Real Housewives of OC: 1.20.09 Wrap-up

Hollywood & Vine had to put all this Inauguration shit on hold while we watch tonight’s episode.  We do have priorities you know!

The show starts off not really telling us shit about whether or not Greedy Gretchen and Tamra’s “straight” son hooked up!  Bravo is going to drag this shit out or half the show.  Aight, we’ll play along.

Meanwhile, Jeana’s  in Matt “you’re just really overcooked” Keough’s closet because he asked her to send him some of his things.  Damnit, Jeana is such a nice woman because H&V woulda been sold his shit! 

Her trainer stopped by the house for coffee because we know good and hell well Jeana ain’t about to work out!  We love her to death, but she ain’t workin out!  What she needs to do is stop paying John to counsel her and tell her what to eat.  She should spend a week with H&V instead!  We could do the same thing for free and at least she’d have fun.  That trainer is boring as shit!

Okay, hold on a minute.  Did anyone see those floatation devices under Tamra’s top that she calls implants?  She had the fucking nerve to say that Gretchen needs to grow up and stop being jealous of her.  Um, bitch, Hollywood & Vine have watched this whole crazy ass season and the one who needs to grow the fuck up if your ass!  Furthermore, Gretchen was not jealous of these bitches huddled in a circle talking about how old their fake tits are!  Gretchen already looks good just how she is.  You think she wouldn’t have bought herself some tits already if she wanted them?  Come on now!  Every white girl in Orange County doesn’t want implants honey!

Tamra’s dumb ass said Ryan was trying to “take off where he left off with Gretchen!  We can’t help but laugh at this bitch.  It’s ‘pick up where you left off’ dumb ass bitch! 

Those other bitches at the pool party were so fucking mad at Gretchen!  They’re paying more attention to her than their so called kids and husbands. 

For all of the loyal H&V readers out there, you’ll recall us saying a week or so ago that karma was a bitch and Vicki [and Tamra] were going to get some of their own, right?  Ya’ll remember last week when Vicki was trying to embarrass Gretchen at the dinner party by helping her lose control?

Okay, fast forward to Vicki’s backyard for a networking group’s Coto Chapter that she started.  They meet weekly to talk about how to make more money, basically.  We guess they were honoring Vicki with an award for founding the chapter and instead of saying thank you or pretending to be humble, this bitch points her fingers to her brain and brags “You know what?  Think it, build it and they will come.  Look at this”!  At the very moment when some were laughing because she’s so arrogant and the others were slightly clapping because nobody really knows what to do when someone starts bragging in front of you about how fucking brilliant they are……VICKI FALLS FLAT ON HER FACE!

EVERYONE started laughing out loud!  EVERYONE!  She broke the award and Don even said “she ate it”!  This shit is hilarious.  Then Jeana says….“ooooh there’s a step there”!  Then her old smart ass fucking son came over telling her she should be more graceful.  He wouldn’t say shit like that to a black mama because a black mama woulda slapped his ass into next week!  Bitch ass Michael.  We just don’t like him!

It turns out that Lynne actually worked for one whole year!  Wow, she’s ready for retirement now.  H&V will give credit where credit is due.  Frank was diagnosed with cancer and probably couldn’t (or didn’t want to) work.  So, Lynne started selling bedazzled jewelry in order to make some money!  Way to turn cut and paste boredom into a collection called Cuff Love!  We don’t know where you can buy the shit, but it retails for $225.00-$375.00!  She’s trying to get her handmade (bedazzled) jewelry picked up by boutiques and high end department stores.  Now her younger daughter, Alexa, wants a piece of the action.  Like most parents, Lynne thinks her daughter is creative and talented!  Ya’ll can buy the shit if you want to, but H&V wouldn’t wear jewelry designed by someone who thinks wearing a stripper’s dress is “classy”.

Greedy Gretchen was in a tizzy at lunch with Jeana because one of Jeff’s five ex-wives showed up at the hospital to sit by his side for a week.  Turns out Jeff’s kids don’t worship Gretchen as much as she wanted the world to believe.  His son, Jake, told mommy dearest that Jeff was always alone!  Gretchen acted like she was way off base.  We weren’t there, but damnit something ain’t right. 

Then Gretchen goes on to say that it’s hard to get to know Jeana because she only lets people know what’s good about her!!  Gretchen, boo, what the fuck are you talking about?  Jeana is pretty much an open book!  We all know that she’s depressed half the time, she’s fat, until Matt moved out, she still didn’t have privacy or control of her own damn house!!  I mean, who the fuck wants strangers to know that shit about them?  Maybe she just doesn’t like to open up to your ass, girlfriend! 

Aww shit, Lynne done started with Vicki.  They told her “classy” ass that Vicki will fuck with you when she’s ready.  We’re going to give this one to VickiLynne is so out of touch with how hard administrative assistants work that she still fucking calls them secretaries!  Dumb ass.  Ya’ll see she didn’t flip Vicki off  to her face.  She would have been eating the chemically injected finger had she put it in Vicki’s face.  We just sayin’…

Anyway, they’re on their way to Fred Segal for some shopping.  They’re putting together scents to represent their personalities.  Vicki said that she’s “strong and determining”!  She told the scent lady that she is a businesswoman who knows what she wants and usually gets it.  Well why doesn’t she want a new hair style and go out of her way to get that!

Speaking of Vicki, she was actually trying to help Greedy Gretchen out during their chat at lunch.  Jeana, too, as a matter of fact.  They both told her ‘bitch, your full time job is taking care of that man.  you best to have him sign something or else you’re fucked if/when he dies’.  Say what you want about Vicki and yes, she’s not our girl anymore either, BUT she and Jeana were right.  Gretchen knew it too, which is why she asked them what the fuck she should do.  Here goes Ms. Obsessed with youth but ain’t been young in 2 decades, Lynne, saying that she was “taken back” by Vicki and Jeana being all about the money.  First of all you no-money-havin’-stay-at-home-and-wait-for-my-husband-to-leave-me-broke wife, IT’S TAKEN ABACK dumb ass!  Second of all, take those stiff bracelets out of your ass and realize that everyone’s fucking situation ain’t like yours.  Gretchen had every right to at least ask Jeff to take care of her when he passed.  He ain’t have to take her up on it, but she had the right to ask since even by his own admission, she takes great care of him all the time!  These bitches make us shake our heads weekly.  At this point, bring back the NY Housewives!!  At least those pretentious ass broads understand how shit works!  It’s really easy for Lynne to talk about money isn’t everything because her rich ass husband designated her as the primary beneficiary on all his shit!  Vicki wasn’t taking offense about her husband; she was just trying to explain to Lynne’s simple minded ass the realities of Gretchen’s life and Jeff’s impending death!  Yes, H&V said impending!  Lynne really sounds like the stereotypical white woman in Orange County.  “Look at her.  She’ll be fine.”  You know what, that attitude is no better than being all about the money!  That’s basically what Lynne is saying…‘If Jeff dies, she’s beautiful and will be able to find another muthafucka to take care of her’!

Our last bit of advice is to Lynne, surprise surprise.  If you’re going to have people at your home trying to impress them to the point of getting your jewelry into their store, Hollywood & Vine suggest you know the ACTUAL name of the store.  It’s Fred Segal…period!  It’s not Fred Segal’s!  And while we’re at it, it’s not Tiffanys or Nordstroms!  Folks breakin their necks to buy shit from these stores and don’t even know the real fucking names!

It looks like next week Shane is going to have his tighty whities in a bunch because Jeana and Vicki came down onto the field after his game.  He had the balls to cuss at Jeana and then tell her she’s lucky he didn’t throw a bat at her when she came down there!  First of all, his injury prone ass better be glad he’s even on a team, let alone a field.  Second of all, Jeana should take a baseball and hit him upside his virgin ass head for talking to her like that.  They need NeNe to come stay with them for a week.  Half this shit wouldn’t even take place with a black OC Housewife.

In a minute…

Real Housewives of OC: 1.13.09 Wrap-Up

Better late than never people!  Damn, we are only two people…we can’t watch all this shit on tivo fast enough.

Tamra should have been known the shit that etiquette lady tried to teach her.  She is the perfect example of money can’t buy you class!

Lynne better be glad that Frank married her before she started fucking with all that damn plastic surgery!  She looks a hot ass mess.  And that gut!  She can’t afford spanx?  They had 2 bottles of wine missing, but don’t think either of their trashy ass daughters stole the shit?  What planet are these two dumb ass fools from?  Of course they stole the wine AND drank it.  Raquel was probably the fucking ringleader with her out of control ass!  Did ya’ll see her roundin up the group to head to the bathroom at the bowling alley?  Lynne and Frank better open their fucking eyes because their daughters are on a road to nowhere!

Greedy Gretchen and Jeff’s daughters were saying their goodbyes.  It appears that the kids being in town lifted Jeff’s spirits.  Hollywood & Vine were truly hoping that Jeff pulled through once again, but we found out that he passed away in September.  Evidently, it was right after they finished filming.  So sad, but we hope he’s no longer in pain and in a better place!

Vicki’s brother’s cook out looked like a modern day episode of the Beverly Hillbillies.  No wonder Vicki smothers her damn kids…her own mama can’t stand her ass!  She needs to be smotherin her husband…with her breasts before he leaves her crazy ass!

Is it clear to anyone else why Simon married Tamra?  He won’t even let this cow plan a dinner party for 10 muthafuckas without putting in his two cents.  We think Simon really wanted to tell her to go upstairs and wait for him naked while he worked out the details from with dude from Top Chef!  Arm piece honey, that’s all!

At least now we know that Greedy Gretchen doesn’t just leave Jeff’s side to kick it and get drunk.  She leaves him to do Yoga, too.  Shit, bitch gotta keep her body tight.  Way to keep your priorities straight girl!  Seriously though, H&V don’t know how Gretchen was able to keep it together during all of this.

Lynne had a chat with Raquel about her not drinking and driving.  If she knows that her 18 year old drinks, why the fuck would you buy her ass a damn car?  These fucking stupid ass parents creating monsters!  Maybe her ass should have been a Girl Scout.  She might have had some structure and discipline.  Lynne and Frank might as well move out of that house because Raquel and Alexa run that shit!

Meanwhile back at Tacky Tamra’s house prepping for her dinner party, this bitch is fucking up the floor with that Swiffer!  She has probably never used that shit before, but we digress.  Tamra’s son Ryan pretended that he found Gretchen attractive.  H&V wonder how long he’s going to keep up this charade. 

Simon is as tacky as his wife, calling that woman Greedy Gretchen at the dinner table!  Now we REALLY see why those two married each other.  Why the fuck are they so concerned with Gretchen, Jeff and Jeff’s money?  As long as she ain’t fucking Simon or asking the Barneys for money, they need to leave that girl alone!

Tamra is full of fucking shit, lying about how she thinks of all the ladies as family.  Bitch just did an interview for an OC publication talking about how she’s not here to be friends with Gretchen…that it’s a business relationship!  Keep the shit real.  We can’t stand her ass! 

Straight up, Vicki and Tamra need to get muthafuckin’ lives!  These are two grown ass women, especially Vicki with her middle-aged ass, and they’re plotting on Gretchen like they’re on the fucking playground.  This shit is really pissing us off.  What the fuck is wrong with these women?  So fucking what if Gretchen has a dark side?  Who the fuck does Tamra think she is that she needs to expose it?  We are tellin ya’ll, Tamra is mad because Gretchen looks better than her!  Even Tamra’s gay son said that Gretchen was hotter.

Thank you Lynne and Jeana for trying to be a friend to Gretchen! 

Gretchen said that she hasn’t gotten any in 8 months, but a few weeks ago she bragged about how she and Jeff fuck in the hospital.  Which one is it?  Gretchen, don’t start working our nerves.  Right now we like you, but get your stories straight.

Tamra is a conniving ass broad!  She should have sent Greedy Gretchen home with Frank and Lynne.  She kept her there to help mess up that girl’s life.  That shit will most definitely come back around on Tamra.

It appears next week Gretchen tells Ryan that he turns her on.  Boo, you were drunk as a 4 skunks…anything would have turned you on that night!  To be continued…

What did ya’ll think of the show?

In a minute…

Real Housewives of OC Wrap-Up: 1.6.09

Bravo started the episode off with a bang!  Greedy Gretchen’s 4.7 carat diamond engagement ring arrived in the mail.  Big Daddy’s upgrade put him back $65,000.00.  We ain’t mad at her because the ring was beautiful.  But did anyone else notice that in one breath she was talking about how she was praying that the bone marrow transplant cured Jeff‘s cancer and in the very next breath she was like OMG LOOK AT MY RING?  His daughter Jill was looking like my daddy bought this bitch a car for her finger and I have to live in fucking Michigan!  We’d be pissed, too!

Moving on to Lynne and her daughter Alexa, her boyfriend Randy was coming over.  Lynne is still in denial that her 15 year old looked like a slut in her dress last week.  Randy wasn’t confused, he was trying to help her ass out.  This broad has had 3 “serious relationships” at the age of 15?  Lynne said she can’t control her daughter.  WHAT THE FUCK?  You can’t control your daughter?  You don’t want her to have a boyfriend, but she doesn’t feel good about herself without one?  How did she even fix her fucking mouth to say this shit?  Your daughter don’t pay rent, bills or buy groceries!  Therefore, YOU CONTROL HER, period!  And these parents wonder why their daughters end up tramps by the age of 18! 

Jeanna and her ex-husband, Gary, got together for lunch.  We love this bitch!  She just keeps it real.  Gary is much better than Matt’s crazy ass.  But by the sounds of all the “ex-wives” talk, Gary is a hound dog!

Tamra sent an email to Gretchen apologizing for being a judgmental ass bitch!  H&V ain’t buyin it.  Tamra is one fake, jealous ass broad! 

It was normal and quiet as hell without Vicki’s WOOOOOOO HOOOOOOO hollerin ass there at the St. Regis while the ladies were hat shopping!  She is so fucking annoying.

Vicki’s son Michael and his bitchy ass girlfriend bug the shit out of his.  Talkin shit like that about Jeana.  Jeana did what all good parents do.  When young people have 2 or more cars at the house while their parents are away, they are gonna get a call!  Michael’s freeloadin ass girlfriend has nerve talkin about a grown muthafucka who could buy and sell her trashy ass! 

Laurie and Tamra ggot together for lunch!  We don’t know which one is the lesser of two evils.  God they look a mess.  Those nappy as tracks and age spots and shit!  Tamra is ridiculous talkin about how she hates the cattiness of the group, but it’s hard not to get caught up in it when they’re all together.  That’s bullshit!  Jeana has been there since day one and she doesn’t act like that.  These self-righteous bitches can work a damn nerve!

Meanwhile at the Del Mar race track, almost all of them looked a hot ass mess.  Lynne is so obsessed with looking young.  Well, a young bitch would know to suck in her damn stomach!  Vicki looked like she was going to lunch after church service.  Jeana looked like there were birds living in a nest on her hat.  Kara looked a damn fool.  Tamra’s husband Simon looked like he was dressed up as a gangster for Halloween.  Greedy Gretchen was killin em and so was Tamra.  Donn looked good to us, too! 

Tamra and Vicki were hella rude to Lynne.  There was no need to treat her like that.  These grown ass women are acting like fucking teenagers. 

Vicki needs to stop disrespecting Donn like that.  He’s going to fuck around and leave her muthafuckin ass!  Why would you say some shit like that to your husband? 

It looks like next week Greedy Gretchen is going to put herself out there a bit too far!  I hope she didn’t do some shit she’ll regret with Tamra’s gay son!

In a minute…

Real Housewives of OC: 12.16.08

Okay, a few things stood out to Hollywood & Vine tonight.  Why the fuck did Tamra allow her husband, Simon, to take Kara‘s young, 19 year old ass to the firing range?  What is wrong with this bitch?  You don’t let your husband go to the shooting range with a teeny bopper.  Tamra might think she’s the hottest housewife, but she ain’t 19!  To an old ass rich man, it doesn’t get any better than that!  This is how they lose their husbands!  Simon told Kara that she didn’t need a sexy gun!  Keep on Tamra, keep on!

Speaking of Tamra, her son Ryan is, well…never mind.  Our faithful readers know exactly what the hell we’re thinking.

It’s not even that Vicki looks old; she just makes herself look so fucking bad all the time.  That poorly styled, thin hair and her raccoon eyes.  Shit, at least the Atlanta Housewives hire professional make-up artists to work on them before they leave the house!  Keep on, Don probably already has a piece on the side and if she don’t quit, he WILL divorce her ass, take half her money and have a nice day!

Don is 10 years older than Vicki, but he LOOKS 10 years younger than her!  He done told her that if she doesn’t give him attention, someone else will.  He ain’t lyin!  These white women need to stop thinking they look so good that their husbands won’t leave their asses!

Jeana and Vicki need to stop giving each other marital advice!  They both have fucked up ass marriages.  Just be each others friend and hire shrinks for the advice. 

We don’t really have an opinion about the new broad, Lynne.  All we want to know is if these bitches look in the mirror!  She was talkin about how she just wants to look young.  Okay, great, but you ain’t looked young in 30 years honey.  Maybe if they’d stop worrying about aging and just take care of themselves, they wouldn’t look old as sin!

We already see Vicki is going to fall off our good list next week from the preview. 

We can’t WAIT to see Matt tell Kara “you’re just really overcooked”!  Only a crazy muthafucka who got hit upside the head with a baseball would say some funny shit like that.  You’re just really overcooked!

In a minute…

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