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Posts tagged ‘Holly Madison’

Dancing w/the Stars 8: Week 3

Nobody has even danced yet, but Gilles almost hit the floor coming down the stairs.  Denise Richards can’t even clap on beat, so I know she’s in trouble.

Denise and Maks are supposed to Samba.  Let’s see what she really does when the music comes on.  Hopefully this week she’ll count in her head instead of out loud for God and everybody to read her lips.  She just cannot dance to save her life!  All the black they wore was appropriate cuz that routine was dead!  Total 16.

Chuck and Julianne are about to Fox Trot.  First we had to listen to them whine about why Chuck’s scores last week were shitty.  Suck it up!  Um, I guess that was better but he looked hella feminine to me with all that hand and hip swayin’.  Judges like it enough for 23.  Bullshit.

Holly and Dmitry are supposed to Samba.  She said in rehearsal that it was hard for her “that day”.  JUST that day?  At least she looks good tonight.  You know, I never understood what men meant by women being a bad fuck.  But after watching Holly NOT move her hips or ass, I know what they mean.  These scores ain’t gonna be good.

Steve-O and Lacey are up next!  He was so focused on hurtin’ his back last week that the fool pretty much messed up the entire routine AND almost hurtin’ his back again at the end.  I didn’t like that at all and I like them.

LTand Edyta are gonna Samba.  He looks like he’s doin’ the hustle and shit. 

Shawn Johnson and Mark are going to Fox Trot in a minute.  They were very good, but they just don’t excite me.  Total 27!

Gilles and Cheryl’s Samba is up.  This should be hot!  I knew it.  They got more ass shakin’ than BET After Dark!  Now THAT was fabulous!  That has to be at least a 27, too!  Yessir!  27!

Oh there’s Naomi from the Bachelor in the audience.  I guess she’s there to cheer on Melissa!

David and Kim have only one way to go after last week. I didn’t know he was “married”.  Um, that intro was one step from CATS, if you know what I mean.  Kim did him dirty.  All in all it was very Broadway.  Oh, see Bruno said the same thing.  Carrie Ann said he looked like a Rockette!  Yes she did.  I couldn’t make this shit up.  Total – 24!

And why is Three 6 Mafia in the audience?

The Woz and Kryptonite Karina are about to Samba.  I love a good train wreck.  Damnit he is disgusting me and makin’ me laugh all at once.  Oh Lord have mercy on poor Kryptonite Karina.  That was beyond a disaster.  Was that the worm?  It looked more like the dead worm once rigor set in.  He managed to look more feminine than David Alan Grier.   Total – 10!

Melissa and Tony are up!  Fox Trot your ass off baby girl.  YES!  She better AT LEAST match the 27’s that the others got!  She is just a beautiful dancer, period!  Total – 27!!!  That’s right!

Derek, Lil Kim and her bleached skin are up next!  She’s doing a good job, but she smiled more when she was turnin’ herself in for jail!  Aww shit, LisaRaye was in the audience cheerin’ for her!  Total 25!

Last and not exactly least are Ty and Chelsie.  They’re gonna Fox Trot so he SHOULD be aight.  Okay, I know ya’ll are expecting me to make fun of Chelsie for falling, but I’m not!  I’m gonna give Ty props for keeping focused and not fuckin’ up the rest of the routine after that!  I’ll say it…good job!  Total 23!

…Vine…in a minute…

Dancing w/the Stars 8: Week 2 Recap

Real (California) time people…here we go!

Steve-O hurt himself earlier today so he and Lacey are out for the week.

Holly’s first up w/the Quick Step.  I think she’s gonna be worse this week than last week, but we’ll see in a minute!  Well she does look more like a lady than a tramp tonight.  This is just bad and ya know what, Dmitry don’t look all that hot out there either and he’s the pro!  Total 18…they didn’t deserve that much frankly!

David Alan Grier is about to Salsa with Kim.  They put him in a shiny gold shirt with ruffles down the front.  Someone in the wardrobe department at Dancing w/the Stars is funny as hell!  Okay, I can’t stop laughin’.  The look on his face when Kim rolled her ass in his face was priceless!  I don’t know what to say; that was worse than Holly’s dance.  We are off to a boring ass start tonight.  Total – 17.

Denise Richards and Maks fine ass are next.  She better thank God that the QS is done in hold cuz Maks helped her look a lot better.  Here they go giving her props like they did w/Brooke Burke last season.  This bitch cannot dance!  If the judges start this shit again, I might give up this show.  I’m lyin’, but damn…a 21?  Give me a fucking break!

Belinda Carlisle is up!  She and Jonathan are going to Salsa.  I think he’s gonna give her something to work w/this week.  Oh, I take that back.  Jonathan said he’s putting some of her 80’s moves into the routine.  Um, yeah cuz that goes with the Salsa.  This is a train wreck of large magnitudes ya’ll.  Belinda’s ass is going home tomorrow…if we’re lucky.  The judges are gonna eat her up.  Lawd have mercy, Bruno’s side show from his seat was better than what Belinda did on the actual dance floor.  Total 18 – they were being nice.  She shouldn’t have gotten higher than a 15.

Ty Murrayand Chelsie are gonna QS tonight.  His stiff ass will probably do a lot better than that disaster last week.  Are we gonna have to listen to his rodeo puns all season?  If so, I hope he gets voted off.  Just like I figured, he was way better tonight.  I was actually entertained watchin’.  Total 20.

Mark and Shawn Johnson are going to Salsa tonight.  This ain’t gonna be pretty.  Ya ever been to a salsa club and man who’s a great dancer has a partner who is doing the moves with ZERO personality?  That’s what Shawn and Mark were tonight, to me.  She went through the motions fine, but there was nothing memorable.  Total 24!

Steve Wozniackand Kryptonite Karina are gonna “dance” the QS.  I use the word dance lightly.  It seems that Steve is crushing a bone in his foot…surprise surprise.  No words for that.  That was the slowest QS I mighta seen on this show.  You can see the disgust in Karina’s face.  How in the hell did he get the same score as David Alan Grier? 

Country couple Julianne and Chuck are about to Salsa.  Chuck said he was gonna walk and move his hips like a girl….like Derek!  Um, Chuck, tellin’ alleged family secrets ain’t the way to work your way in.  Aight, here they go.  The most entertaining part of the performance was Julianne tryna prevent a wardrobe malfunction!  Chuck just can’t dance.  His hips don’t lie and they’re saying that he sucks in the sack.  Just sayin’…Seriously though, Carrie Ann was right.  The choreography was bad.  HOW did they get a 20??  Aight, I’m bout to call conspiracy in a minute!

LTand Edyta doing the QS was pretty good!  The judges seemed to like it, too, but we’ll see if they give him bullshit scores, too.  20!  Not bad.

Cuz of Steve-O’sinjury, he can only be judged by his performance in dress rehearsal.  Based on that, I wouldn’t give him one vote.  I’m with Len, it was unejoyable and where the fuck was the Salsa?  She had Julianne syndrome w/her creativity tonight.  Whoa, was it just me or did Carrie Ann just blame Steve-O’s injury on Lacey?  Damn Inaba…Bitch been cranky since she stopped gettin’ her groove back with that youngster.  Total – 14.

Derek, Lil Kim and her hip implants are doing the QS.  It’s so hard to look at her…but not while she’s dancing!  She did damn good!  Get it bitch!  Let’s see if the judges front on her.  Bruno and Carrie Ann liked it, but Len wasn’t impressed. 

Aww shit, look at Bethenny Frankel (NY Housewives) in the audience.  Love her!

Back to Lil Kim and Derek.  They got a 23!  (800.868.3401).

Melissa’s up next with Tony!  She better not disappoint tonight.  She worked her shit tonight!  Tony FINALLY has someone to take him back to the finals!  Love her!  Loved it!  Yeah, her parents wouldn’t be seen on the Bachelor, but they were damn sure in the audience for this shit!  26 BITCHES! (800.868.3413)

Last but not least Cheryl and Gilles.  Even dressed as a geek doing this shit he’s still sexy as hell.  That was great!  Dude can really dance.  Cheryl should be going back to the finals, too!  Total – 27.  They deserved that. (800.868.3405)

What did ya’ll think of tonight’s show?

…Vine…in a minute

Dancing w/the Stars 8: Season Premiere

Now ya’ll know Hollywood doesn’t watch shit like DWTS.  So I’m on my own this season.  I’m blogging this one in real time bitches!

First out the gate…Lil Kim!  Good Gawd, did she get hip implants?  She is big as a jail cell.  Speaking of, this broad just dedicated her performance to her homegirls in the federal pen!  What is wrong with her?  Anyway, I’m over the shock of her back fat.  Let’s watch her dance.  She wasn’t bad!  The choreography was boring as shit, but she was cool.

Belinda Carlisle is gettin’ motion sickness and she ain’t even started.  This waltz is gonna be a disaster.  Poor Jonathan can’t get a decent partner to save his life.  Bitch Belinda just wasn’t graceful.  That shit was terrible!  Wait a minute, Bruno just told her she looked like Cloris Leachman out there!  Ya’ll see, Vine knows what the hell she’s talkin’ about.  Total – 17! 

Lawrence Taylor (LT) and Edyta are up next!    He thinks he has more dance ability than Jason Taylor.  Not movin’ around like a gigolo and shit he don’t.  This ain’t gonna be pretty.  Oh Lord, this is more painful than I thought.  He was just so stiff…oh wait, was that his wife with that bad wig on that they just showed!  Total – 16! 

Next up, Steve-O from Jackass.  Bullshit already!  This fool been sober for 1 year, Lil Kim was in jail.  This is like Dancing with the Stars – Celebrity Rehab Edition!  I can’t believe I’m sayin’ this, but he ain’t bad!  Lacey’s gonna have him fuckin’ up the dance floor this season.  The judges pretty much hated him, but they always hate Lacey’s shit at first!  17 total!  Is anyone gonna break a 20 tonight?

Gilles Marini and Cheryl Burke!  Finally!  FINALLY!  That muthafucka did his THING!  That shit was hot.  Cheryl is back!!  Um, can the camera not catch his son screamin’ with spit flying out his mouth?  Just askin…24 total!  You betta work bitch!

Julianne and Chuck somebody are up.  That’s her dude.  She talked all this shit last season about not dancing this year to focus on her singing career.  She changed her tune quick didn’t she?  How the fuck many times is she gonna say “honestly”?  I smell a drinkin’ game comin’ on!  Next…

Holly Madison is Jewel’s replacement.  She’s gonna look like hell dancing, I know it.  She should been more naked.  No wonder Hef wouldn’t have kids with her.  Her hips don’t work.  I’ll give her a little credit.  She only had a week to rehearse vs. everybody elses month.  They gotta keep her around at least another week.  Carrie Ann looks disgusted.  Jewel wouldn’t have done better so it’s a wash.  Holly’s ass got an 18! 

Our girl, Melissa Rycroft must be comin’ up after the commercial!  48 hours to rehearse and she probably got the fucking waltz!   Nope.  They’re gonna save her till the end.

Ty Murray is up with his partner Chelsie.  She’s new.  He looks as stiff as Gilles dick in the Sex and the City Movie.  Um, why is he dancing like that?  He looks like he has a spur up his ass.  Did ya’ll see Carrie Ann and Len?  That’s how Vine looked.  Len, shut the hell up.  This isn’t called “Trying” with the Stars.  Nobody gives a shit that he tried.  Billy Ray Cyrus wasn’t that bad.  Well yeah he was, I’m lyin!

Shawn Johnson and Mark Ballas.  She is an Olympic gold medalist.  She obviously stopped trainin cuz she’s a chunky one!  That little chubby girl danced her ass off though!  That was clean.  She better get at least a 24!  We’ll find out after the break.  Naw, Bruno fucked her with a 7!  23 total! 

Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak and Karina Smirnoff are up and bitch looks like she’s naked in that outfit.  She and Maks ain’t been together a year and he proposed.  Now I’m SURE she has kryptonite in her pussy, but I digress!  Karina and this clown are going home first unless all the geeks unite and vote for his ass!  That mighta been one of the worst fucking performances I’ve seen on DWTS.  For real!  Damn 13!  Samantha, why are you shocked that this man is still smiling?  He’s the fucking co-founder of Apple!  You think he gives a shit about winning or losing DWTS?  She’s an idiot.

David Alan Grier is up next!  I hope he manages to look straight masculine for once.  Why do they give all the brothas to Kim?  Damn, even his sweats were goin up his booty!  He was pretty decent.  No, Len, his ass was stickin’ out cuz he didn’t want his dick to get close to a woman’s Kim’s body, period!  Women know what the hell I’m talkin’ bout!

Whoa, Melissa has an engagement ring on!  Hmm, gotta find out about that.   

Denise Richards and Maksim are partners.  She better watch those wandering eyes before Karina whoops her fuckin ass over that man!  Oh please, this bitch is crying and shit!  Aight, let me take that back about Steve Wozniak.  THIS broad might be the first one to go home.  She better hope Maks’ fans keep her uncoordinated, non-dancin’ ass in it.  I can imagine Heather Locklear layin’ on the floor somewhere holding her stomach and crying from laughing so fucking hard at this bullshit!  How did this ho get 18?  LT was better than that.  So was Steve! 

Finally, Melissa and Tony are up next.  They are reallllllly draggin’ this shit out!  MELISSA, YOU BETTER WORK BITCH!  That shit was fucking fabulous!  I love this bitch!  Why?  Cuz she’s humble as shit AND the bitch can dance!  It was sweet to see someone really be excited and overwhelmed to be there on night 1 to the point of tears.  800.868.3413!

I can’t wait for them to start kickin people off cuz this shit was tiring!  Too many damn heads!

In a minute…

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