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Posts tagged ‘Jeff Beitzel’

Real Housewives of OC: S5 Episode 1

Yes, actually, I do realize that I’m about 5 weeks behind.  You’ve been here long enough to know what I always say…better late than never.  Shit, I’ve been going through Atlanta Housewives withdrawal and anger since the last season ended.  I believe I’m ready to move on and give the OC bitches my undivided attention.

If I have to hear Vicky talkin’ about her vagina love tank again this season, I’m not going to get far.

It’s funny that Lynne said it’s not about how much money you have…Of course she said that cuz she ain’t got no damn money!

Breanna, Michael and Vicky are on their way to sky diving!  White folk, why are ya’ll always tryna cheat death?  Michael can’t stand her ass.  I hate to say it, but he looks like he’s secretly hoping her parachute malfunctions!!  You notice Michael’s ass was on the ground watching?  He was not gonna fuck up his possible payday by jumping, too. 

Over to Jeana and Colton.  How in the hell did Jeana burn out a clutch in one flippin outing?  Broke people need to drive better!  I’m not being funny; she’s even saying herself that her income has decreased by 2/3!  That is a whole lotta damn money!  She better stop eating $200 lunches at the St. Regis and learn to fucking cook like everybody else on a budget!

Tacky Tamra is such a piece of trash!  Why are you allowing your homeboy to say tea bag in the middle of a child’s party?  Simon can’t stand that broad.  I don’t know what happened, but I KNOW he ain’t fillin up her love tank these days with his pump!

Greedy Gretchen still looks good in spite of everyone talking shit about her over the past year!  I really don’t like Slade and Gretchen together, but I also don’t think she truly cares about that man!  Gretchen is still grieving Jeff’s loss.  She just wants someone there to comfort her, snuggle with her and spend time with her.  When she gets out of that place, she won’t give a damn about Slade’s non-child support paying, broke ass!  Watch! 

Over to Lynne in her rented by Bravo home.  How are you trying to have your accessories carried in a store that you can’t even pronounce?  That is a pet peeve of mine.  It’s Fred Segal, not SegalS.  It’s Nordstom, not NordstromS.  It’s Tiffany & Co., not TiffanyS!  Learn it…use it, Lynne.

Here goes Vicky bitching at Donn as if he’s the hired help!  You know why Vicky is so mad at bitches like Gretchen and the new girl?  Cuz she resents being the breadwinner in her home.  Well guess what honey?  YOU were part of the decision made that Donn would be in the home doing his thing while you were building an empire.  Don’t complain now.  And speaking of Bravo paying for shit for the housewives, can they PLEASE buy Vicky’s ass a face lift?  I’m not tryna be mean, I’m serious.  She has a decent figure for an almost 50-year-old woman, her business is on point, but that sun damage combined with aging is catching up to her!  She needs some work done.  At least some Patricia Wexler products.

Vicky and Tacky Tam are together having drinks, natch!  Damn right Simon is controlling.  He’s probably looking at Tacky Tam like she’s the one who caused all this shit!  If she weren’t tryna keep up with the Joneses, they’d still have some money. 

Vicky said that Jeana asked her for some money and she said no.  I’m on the fence about that.  I feel Vicky; money and friendship, especially that kind of money, don’t typically mix.  On the other hand, Vicky and Jeana have been bffs for quite some time.  How could she turn her back on Jeana in her time of need?  Maybe not all the money, but damn, at least some.  I would never turn my back on Hollywood like that and she wouldn’t do that to me either, period!!

Maybe if Tacky Tamra would spend more time worrying about her own on the rocks marriage instead of Gretchen’s love affairs, then her husband wouldn’t hate the sight of her ass!  She is a bitch!!  Now she done latched onto Lynne cuz Lynne is doing something with herself.  Tamra should fuck with Slade; they are both opportunistic wannabes!

This is why we love Gretchen!  She stood tall and owned up to her bullshit that came out during the off-season.  Yeah, she was in a fucked up place.  Who wouldn’t be after they lost their fiance?  I’m sure she was fucked up day in and day out, hanging around with a bunch of party all the time losers!  But she dusted herself off and she’s still standing tall, just as blond and cute as she was last season!  Team Gretchen!

Why is Lynne so pressed to be accepted by this broad?  Fuck Tamra and her broke, jealous ass!  I wouldn’t be friends with anyone who talked about me like a dog the way that she did about Lynne and Gretchen.  I’m glad Gretchen told Lynne about herself!  Still, the million dolla question is how did Gretchen’s alleged boyfriend get Tamra’s number?  Hmmmm.

Lynne’s is doing all she can to ensure that her daughter, Alexa, ends up on a pole!  Why is your 17-year-old parading down a random street with a bikini on?  That shit ain’t cute.  Lynne better worry about raising them daughters better before she tries to launch an international accessory line.

It is 2009.  Why does Lynne always look like the lead in some bad 80s porn? 

You see Simon told Tam to show some class!  Call me crazy, but I sincerely believe that he thinks her acting a fool last season had something to do with his business taking a nosedive!

Vicki is so ridiculous.  Lynne is supposed to be your acquaintance, at the least.  You couldn’t put on her jewelry for one damn night?  She’s just rude.  Gretchen has on a plum-colored slip and still puts these heffas to shame.  THAT is why they hate her ass.  Nothing more, nothing less.  Poor Jeana, all she wants to do is eat her way through the tension.  Tamra, if you’re tired of Gretchen looking like the good girl, then stop acting like you grew up in East St. Louis where she’s concerned!  Leave that woman alone.  You keep talking shit about her and she ignores you.  That’s why she looks good to the public. 

Tamra is a bold faced liar!  Straight up.  I can’t even deal with this little confrontation anymore.  I’m over this bitch talking down to Gretchen as if she’s so much better!  Vicki has some nerve saying that Gretchen was mean after all the bullshit that just came out of Tam’s mouth!  Tamra, if Gretchen preyed on old men, they why is she with Slade right now?  Bitches like that don’t give a damn…they stick to what works for them and their bank account!  JEALOUSY!

If ya’ll can remember back this far, what did you think of the season premiere?  It’s gonna be a good season, I knowz it.

…Vine…in a minute

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Real Housewivees of OC Confess: Reunion Special

Let us start off by sayin we plan to eat Tamra Barney’s ass UP throughout this post.  So, if you like this bitch, this ain’t for you!

Can they please stop letting Andy “Boring as Fuck” Cohen host this shit?  Damn.  Ya’ll don’t know how much this fucking show pissed us off.

Aight, Jeana looks like she had something done on her face.  We’re guessing botox because the neck is still a bit wrinkled.  She looks good!  It worked for her. 

Um, was it just Hollywood & Vine or could you cut the tension between Jeana and Tamra/Vicki with a fuckin knife?  They ain’t tight no more, you can tell!  We hope not cuz Jeana is far too good of a person to be hangin with those fucking bitches!

Ya’ll been coming to H&V askin if Kara got her boobs done.  Now you know that she did and you can stop askin us.   

We don’t give a damn what anyone says.  Tamra Barney got work done.  The bitch had cheek implants.  Re-watch the shit!!  The funny thing is, the bitch looks worse than before.  She made herself look older!  With that nappy weave! 

Greedy Gretchen was fierce, period!  Bitch was bad!  Not only that, but she handled that messy, jealous bitch Tamra like the diva she is!  Where does Tacky Tamra get her fucking nerve!  God, this woman needs some serious, serious help.  We ain’t playin!  She has severe issues in her life if she’s spending this much goddamn time worried about Greedy Gretchen and who she might be fuckin!  What the fuck is wrong with this bitch?  She has two little kids, a gay older son and a husband who wants to fuck Jeana’s young daughter.  You would THINK this heffa has more shit to do than worry about Gretchen’s life THIS MUCH! 

Vicki is officially a lost cause!  You know why Vicki is so tight with Tacky Tamra’s ass?  Because she likes to be around a muthafucka who SHE THINKS is beneath her…doing worse than her.  Jeana finally put that overcooked muthafucka out and is moving on dating and shit.  Vicki preferred Jeana when she was taking bullshit and sittin at home depressed and miserable.  Transparent as hell!

We like Lynne just a little bit more after how she fucked up Tamra and Vicki.  That shit was fucking hilarious, tellin them bitches that they ain’t rocket scientists or the brightest bulbs!  Good for her.  You know, that shit got really old, them trashin Lynne like that as if their shit don’t stink!  Vicki needs to worry about her failing marriage instead of whether or not Lynne is a pot head.  Again we ask, what the fuck is wrong with these bitches.   Vicki needs to be more concerned with her empty fucking “love tank”! 

Wait a minute, did Vicki have the nerve to say that she has a nice figure?  Okay, just checkin.  So not only is she a bitch, jealous, messy and miserable, but she’s delusional, too! 

Ultimately, H&V were totally disgusted by Vicki and Tamra, especially!  Their behavior was some of the most evil shit we’ve seen, for real!  Straight up devils!  We were watching in shock that these hoes had the nerve to go out of the way to make Gretchen look bad and ruin her reputation.  They got off on the shit.  Tamra made herself look like the nasty bitch we always knew she was.  Gretchen keeping her cool just magnified Tacky Tamra’s fucked up ass attitude.  She’s better than H&V cuz we woulda had Jeana, Lynne and Andy holdin us back off that bitch!

What we wanna know is how Tamra’s life was effected by Gretchen allegedly being paid to take care of Jeff vs. being his fiancee?  How did that hurt her?  For real, someone tell us how that shit was any of her business? 

Also, Vicki and her self-righteous fat ass!  She acted like her kids were angels.  News flash crazy bitch, Michael and that trash stayin with ya’ll for the summer most definitely fucked in your house!  Michael definitely drank in your house before he was 21 years old!  Michael and Brianna have talked more shit about you on camera than Shane ever has (on camera) about Jeana!  So, take your fucking nose out the air and stop acting like you are this perfect, holier than thou person cuz you’re far from it!

We mighta missed some shit, but we know our readers will mention what we forgot!

What did ya’ll think of this shit?

Don’t forget to follow H&V on Twitter (hollywoodNvine).

In a minute…

Real Housewives of OC: 2.3.09

Better late than never bitches!!!  Here we are.

Tacky Tamra took her mama and her mama’s new face out for a spin.  They probably shoulda stayed in the house!  She decided to sign Old Mother Hubbard up for an online dating site (because that shit works like a charm).  H&V feel like a shower after listening to this bitch talk to her mother about what turns her on.  Fucking TMI.

Vicki and Brianna went shopping at a store that sells scrubs and other nursing wear…i.e. shit that cover Brianna’s fat.  WHAT has this broad been eating?  She looks like she’s pregnant with triplets.  Then they go straight into showin Jeana’s daughter Kara in a skin tight blue mini dress and knee boots!  Kick Brianna’s fat ass while she’s down why don’t you, Bravo! 

We get to meet Jeana’s parents and her baby sister, Janis.  She and Colton went to visit them in Milwaukee.  Seems like Jeana’s family is pretty normal, just like her.  We ain’t surprised!

Lynne sips martinis with her mom.  She told her mama a bold face ass lie!  She said that she “found out” Raquel had been drinking at the party!  Shit, the bitch was walkin all around the party with a fucking cosmo in her hand.  Now Lynne wants to play like she was sneakin.  She knows her ass is fucking wrong for lettin her underage kid drink out in the open.  THAT is why she lied to her damn mama.  Mama told her straight up, take away her shit.  They have too much.  Ya’ll muthafuckas done enabled this little snotty bitch!  Wake up.

Jeff is home from the hospital.  All his kids flew in to be there with him, partly to see him and the other part because Greedy Gretchen had “already committed to a girls’ weekend” in Vegas.  Lord have mercy on his soul.  He looked so frail.  We are juuuuust about ready to turn on Greedy Gretchen, but we’re trying to stay nice.  Trying!

Vicki and Donn showed us their lack of love and affection.  That’s something we all should shoot for…a loveless marriage.  We don’t even watch in HD and Vicki looks bad.  Damnit Brianna might as well inhale those fucking tacos all at once.  No wonder she looks like two tons of fun!

The broads hit Vegas and stayed at the Red Rock!  Why the fuck are they staying so far off the damn strip!  That was a wasted trip to fucking Vegas if you ask us!

Lynne toasted to a truce.  Then Vicki co-signed talkin about she’s all for puttin the past behind her.  She’s a damn lie!  Vicki is one of the main ones keepin shit going.  We hollered when Greedy Gretchen gave the “hottie whistle” to Tamra.  Gretchen knows good and fuck well that she looks better than Tamra.  That’s why she rubs the shit in every chance she gets. 

Jeana told Lynne that the two of them were pass the hottie whistle age and Jeana wasn’t lyin.  Lynne talkin about speak for yourself, Jeana.  Shit, Jeana was right in spite of what your ass thinks.  It’s time to wrap up the MILF shit that white women aspire to be and fucking live in reality.  You’re old.  Be thankful because the alternative is worse!

Did anyone else notice that Lynne could fit two decks of cards between her rack?  God her boob job looks like hell. 

Vicki actually believes that Greedy Gretchen stole her favorite cocktail.  Give us a fucking break bitch!  It’s a drink.  It’s not like the bitch stole your money or your husband.  Who gives a fuck that she likes the same damn drink?  Dumb asses.  These broads need some shit to bitch about.

All these bitches think Greedy Gretchen is a dumb ass blond, but she’s one of the smartest bitches in the group next to Jeana.  Lynne is the remedial one!  Vicki had the nerve to say her ass is calm all the time.  Like fuck she is.  Vicki’s ass needs a sedative she’s so wound the hell up all the damn time.

So the housewives went to a club.  First of all, you know a muthafucka is old when they say “night club”!  So Lynne, you are, in fact, old and have zero rhythm to top the shit off.  What the hell song was she wigglin to?  She even messed up the damn saying.  This old bitch said “What stays in Vegas stays in Vegas”???  UH, she doesn’t even deserve to be corrected. 

It looks like next week Lynne and Frank on going to be freaky at sea.  Tamra goes to visit her daddy to see if he still loves her.  Just a tip Tacky Tamra…when you go visit your estranged father, don’t wear a top that older people think is slutty.  Who goes to visit their dad with their titties all out like that?  Oh, Tacky Tamra does.  Jeana and Kara take a road trip.

In a minute…

Real Housewives of OC: 1.20.09 Wrap-up

Hollywood & Vine had to put all this Inauguration shit on hold while we watch tonight’s episode.  We do have priorities you know!

The show starts off not really telling us shit about whether or not Greedy Gretchen and Tamra’s “straight” son hooked up!  Bravo is going to drag this shit out or half the show.  Aight, we’ll play along.

Meanwhile, Jeana’s  in Matt “you’re just really overcooked” Keough’s closet because he asked her to send him some of his things.  Damnit, Jeana is such a nice woman because H&V woulda been sold his shit! 

Her trainer stopped by the house for coffee because we know good and hell well Jeana ain’t about to work out!  We love her to death, but she ain’t workin out!  What she needs to do is stop paying John to counsel her and tell her what to eat.  She should spend a week with H&V instead!  We could do the same thing for free and at least she’d have fun.  That trainer is boring as shit!

Okay, hold on a minute.  Did anyone see those floatation devices under Tamra’s top that she calls implants?  She had the fucking nerve to say that Gretchen needs to grow up and stop being jealous of her.  Um, bitch, Hollywood & Vine have watched this whole crazy ass season and the one who needs to grow the fuck up if your ass!  Furthermore, Gretchen was not jealous of these bitches huddled in a circle talking about how old their fake tits are!  Gretchen already looks good just how she is.  You think she wouldn’t have bought herself some tits already if she wanted them?  Come on now!  Every white girl in Orange County doesn’t want implants honey!

Tamra’s dumb ass said Ryan was trying to “take off where he left off with Gretchen!  We can’t help but laugh at this bitch.  It’s ‘pick up where you left off’ dumb ass bitch! 

Those other bitches at the pool party were so fucking mad at Gretchen!  They’re paying more attention to her than their so called kids and husbands. 

For all of the loyal H&V readers out there, you’ll recall us saying a week or so ago that karma was a bitch and Vicki [and Tamra] were going to get some of their own, right?  Ya’ll remember last week when Vicki was trying to embarrass Gretchen at the dinner party by helping her lose control?

Okay, fast forward to Vicki’s backyard for a networking group’s Coto Chapter that she started.  They meet weekly to talk about how to make more money, basically.  We guess they were honoring Vicki with an award for founding the chapter and instead of saying thank you or pretending to be humble, this bitch points her fingers to her brain and brags “You know what?  Think it, build it and they will come.  Look at this”!  At the very moment when some were laughing because she’s so arrogant and the others were slightly clapping because nobody really knows what to do when someone starts bragging in front of you about how fucking brilliant they are……VICKI FALLS FLAT ON HER FACE!

EVERYONE started laughing out loud!  EVERYONE!  She broke the award and Don even said “she ate it”!  This shit is hilarious.  Then Jeana says….“ooooh there’s a step there”!  Then her old smart ass fucking son came over telling her she should be more graceful.  He wouldn’t say shit like that to a black mama because a black mama woulda slapped his ass into next week!  Bitch ass Michael.  We just don’t like him!

It turns out that Lynne actually worked for one whole year!  Wow, she’s ready for retirement now.  H&V will give credit where credit is due.  Frank was diagnosed with cancer and probably couldn’t (or didn’t want to) work.  So, Lynne started selling bedazzled jewelry in order to make some money!  Way to turn cut and paste boredom into a collection called Cuff Love!  We don’t know where you can buy the shit, but it retails for $225.00-$375.00!  She’s trying to get her handmade (bedazzled) jewelry picked up by boutiques and high end department stores.  Now her younger daughter, Alexa, wants a piece of the action.  Like most parents, Lynne thinks her daughter is creative and talented!  Ya’ll can buy the shit if you want to, but H&V wouldn’t wear jewelry designed by someone who thinks wearing a stripper’s dress is “classy”.

Greedy Gretchen was in a tizzy at lunch with Jeana because one of Jeff’s five ex-wives showed up at the hospital to sit by his side for a week.  Turns out Jeff’s kids don’t worship Gretchen as much as she wanted the world to believe.  His son, Jake, told mommy dearest that Jeff was always alone!  Gretchen acted like she was way off base.  We weren’t there, but damnit something ain’t right. 

Then Gretchen goes on to say that it’s hard to get to know Jeana because she only lets people know what’s good about her!!  Gretchen, boo, what the fuck are you talking about?  Jeana is pretty much an open book!  We all know that she’s depressed half the time, she’s fat, until Matt moved out, she still didn’t have privacy or control of her own damn house!!  I mean, who the fuck wants strangers to know that shit about them?  Maybe she just doesn’t like to open up to your ass, girlfriend! 

Aww shit, Lynne done started with Vicki.  They told her “classy” ass that Vicki will fuck with you when she’s ready.  We’re going to give this one to VickiLynne is so out of touch with how hard administrative assistants work that she still fucking calls them secretaries!  Dumb ass.  Ya’ll see she didn’t flip Vicki off  to her face.  She would have been eating the chemically injected finger had she put it in Vicki’s face.  We just sayin’…

Anyway, they’re on their way to Fred Segal for some shopping.  They’re putting together scents to represent their personalities.  Vicki said that she’s “strong and determining”!  She told the scent lady that she is a businesswoman who knows what she wants and usually gets it.  Well why doesn’t she want a new hair style and go out of her way to get that!

Speaking of Vicki, she was actually trying to help Greedy Gretchen out during their chat at lunch.  Jeana, too, as a matter of fact.  They both told her ‘bitch, your full time job is taking care of that man.  you best to have him sign something or else you’re fucked if/when he dies’.  Say what you want about Vicki and yes, she’s not our girl anymore either, BUT she and Jeana were right.  Gretchen knew it too, which is why she asked them what the fuck she should do.  Here goes Ms. Obsessed with youth but ain’t been young in 2 decades, Lynne, saying that she was “taken back” by Vicki and Jeana being all about the money.  First of all you no-money-havin’-stay-at-home-and-wait-for-my-husband-to-leave-me-broke wife, IT’S TAKEN ABACK dumb ass!  Second of all, take those stiff bracelets out of your ass and realize that everyone’s fucking situation ain’t like yours.  Gretchen had every right to at least ask Jeff to take care of her when he passed.  He ain’t have to take her up on it, but she had the right to ask since even by his own admission, she takes great care of him all the time!  These bitches make us shake our heads weekly.  At this point, bring back the NY Housewives!!  At least those pretentious ass broads understand how shit works!  It’s really easy for Lynne to talk about money isn’t everything because her rich ass husband designated her as the primary beneficiary on all his shit!  Vicki wasn’t taking offense about her husband; she was just trying to explain to Lynne’s simple minded ass the realities of Gretchen’s life and Jeff’s impending death!  Yes, H&V said impending!  Lynne really sounds like the stereotypical white woman in Orange County.  “Look at her.  She’ll be fine.”  You know what, that attitude is no better than being all about the money!  That’s basically what Lynne is saying…‘If Jeff dies, she’s beautiful and will be able to find another muthafucka to take care of her’!

Our last bit of advice is to Lynne, surprise surprise.  If you’re going to have people at your home trying to impress them to the point of getting your jewelry into their store, Hollywood & Vine suggest you know the ACTUAL name of the store.  It’s Fred Segal…period!  It’s not Fred Segal’s!  And while we’re at it, it’s not Tiffanys or Nordstroms!  Folks breakin their necks to buy shit from these stores and don’t even know the real fucking names!

It looks like next week Shane is going to have his tighty whities in a bunch because Jeana and Vicki came down onto the field after his game.  He had the balls to cuss at Jeana and then tell her she’s lucky he didn’t throw a bat at her when she came down there!  First of all, his injury prone ass better be glad he’s even on a team, let alone a field.  Second of all, Jeana should take a baseball and hit him upside his virgin ass head for talking to her like that.  They need NeNe to come stay with them for a week.  Half this shit wouldn’t even take place with a black OC Housewife.

In a minute…

Real Housewives of OC: 1.13.09 Wrap-Up

Better late than never people!  Damn, we are only two people…we can’t watch all this shit on tivo fast enough.

Tamra should have been known the shit that etiquette lady tried to teach her.  She is the perfect example of money can’t buy you class!

Lynne better be glad that Frank married her before she started fucking with all that damn plastic surgery!  She looks a hot ass mess.  And that gut!  She can’t afford spanx?  They had 2 bottles of wine missing, but don’t think either of their trashy ass daughters stole the shit?  What planet are these two dumb ass fools from?  Of course they stole the wine AND drank it.  Raquel was probably the fucking ringleader with her out of control ass!  Did ya’ll see her roundin up the group to head to the bathroom at the bowling alley?  Lynne and Frank better open their fucking eyes because their daughters are on a road to nowhere!

Greedy Gretchen and Jeff’s daughters were saying their goodbyes.  It appears that the kids being in town lifted Jeff’s spirits.  Hollywood & Vine were truly hoping that Jeff pulled through once again, but we found out that he passed away in September.  Evidently, it was right after they finished filming.  So sad, but we hope he’s no longer in pain and in a better place!

Vicki’s brother’s cook out looked like a modern day episode of the Beverly Hillbillies.  No wonder Vicki smothers her damn kids…her own mama can’t stand her ass!  She needs to be smotherin her husband…with her breasts before he leaves her crazy ass!

Is it clear to anyone else why Simon married Tamra?  He won’t even let this cow plan a dinner party for 10 muthafuckas without putting in his two cents.  We think Simon really wanted to tell her to go upstairs and wait for him naked while he worked out the details from with dude from Top Chef!  Arm piece honey, that’s all!

At least now we know that Greedy Gretchen doesn’t just leave Jeff’s side to kick it and get drunk.  She leaves him to do Yoga, too.  Shit, bitch gotta keep her body tight.  Way to keep your priorities straight girl!  Seriously though, H&V don’t know how Gretchen was able to keep it together during all of this.

Lynne had a chat with Raquel about her not drinking and driving.  If she knows that her 18 year old drinks, why the fuck would you buy her ass a damn car?  These fucking stupid ass parents creating monsters!  Maybe her ass should have been a Girl Scout.  She might have had some structure and discipline.  Lynne and Frank might as well move out of that house because Raquel and Alexa run that shit!

Meanwhile back at Tacky Tamra’s house prepping for her dinner party, this bitch is fucking up the floor with that Swiffer!  She has probably never used that shit before, but we digress.  Tamra’s son Ryan pretended that he found Gretchen attractive.  H&V wonder how long he’s going to keep up this charade. 

Simon is as tacky as his wife, calling that woman Greedy Gretchen at the dinner table!  Now we REALLY see why those two married each other.  Why the fuck are they so concerned with Gretchen, Jeff and Jeff’s money?  As long as she ain’t fucking Simon or asking the Barneys for money, they need to leave that girl alone!

Tamra is full of fucking shit, lying about how she thinks of all the ladies as family.  Bitch just did an interview for an OC publication talking about how she’s not here to be friends with Gretchen…that it’s a business relationship!  Keep the shit real.  We can’t stand her ass! 

Straight up, Vicki and Tamra need to get muthafuckin’ lives!  These are two grown ass women, especially Vicki with her middle-aged ass, and they’re plotting on Gretchen like they’re on the fucking playground.  This shit is really pissing us off.  What the fuck is wrong with these women?  So fucking what if Gretchen has a dark side?  Who the fuck does Tamra think she is that she needs to expose it?  We are tellin ya’ll, Tamra is mad because Gretchen looks better than her!  Even Tamra’s gay son said that Gretchen was hotter.

Thank you Lynne and Jeana for trying to be a friend to Gretchen! 

Gretchen said that she hasn’t gotten any in 8 months, but a few weeks ago she bragged about how she and Jeff fuck in the hospital.  Which one is it?  Gretchen, don’t start working our nerves.  Right now we like you, but get your stories straight.

Tamra is a conniving ass broad!  She should have sent Greedy Gretchen home with Frank and Lynne.  She kept her there to help mess up that girl’s life.  That shit will most definitely come back around on Tamra.

It appears next week Gretchen tells Ryan that he turns her on.  Boo, you were drunk as a 4 skunks…anything would have turned you on that night!  To be continued…

What did ya’ll think of the show?

In a minute…

Real Housewives of OC Wrap-Up: 1.6.09

Bravo started the episode off with a bang!  Greedy Gretchen’s 4.7 carat diamond engagement ring arrived in the mail.  Big Daddy’s upgrade put him back $65,000.00.  We ain’t mad at her because the ring was beautiful.  But did anyone else notice that in one breath she was talking about how she was praying that the bone marrow transplant cured Jeff‘s cancer and in the very next breath she was like OMG LOOK AT MY RING?  His daughter Jill was looking like my daddy bought this bitch a car for her finger and I have to live in fucking Michigan!  We’d be pissed, too!

Moving on to Lynne and her daughter Alexa, her boyfriend Randy was coming over.  Lynne is still in denial that her 15 year old looked like a slut in her dress last week.  Randy wasn’t confused, he was trying to help her ass out.  This broad has had 3 “serious relationships” at the age of 15?  Lynne said she can’t control her daughter.  WHAT THE FUCK?  You can’t control your daughter?  You don’t want her to have a boyfriend, but she doesn’t feel good about herself without one?  How did she even fix her fucking mouth to say this shit?  Your daughter don’t pay rent, bills or buy groceries!  Therefore, YOU CONTROL HER, period!  And these parents wonder why their daughters end up tramps by the age of 18! 

Jeanna and her ex-husband, Gary, got together for lunch.  We love this bitch!  She just keeps it real.  Gary is much better than Matt’s crazy ass.  But by the sounds of all the “ex-wives” talk, Gary is a hound dog!

Tamra sent an email to Gretchen apologizing for being a judgmental ass bitch!  H&V ain’t buyin it.  Tamra is one fake, jealous ass broad! 

It was normal and quiet as hell without Vicki’s WOOOOOOO HOOOOOOO hollerin ass there at the St. Regis while the ladies were hat shopping!  She is so fucking annoying.

Vicki’s son Michael and his bitchy ass girlfriend bug the shit out of his.  Talkin shit like that about Jeana.  Jeana did what all good parents do.  When young people have 2 or more cars at the house while their parents are away, they are gonna get a call!  Michael’s freeloadin ass girlfriend has nerve talkin about a grown muthafucka who could buy and sell her trashy ass! 

Laurie and Tamra ggot together for lunch!  We don’t know which one is the lesser of two evils.  God they look a mess.  Those nappy as tracks and age spots and shit!  Tamra is ridiculous talkin about how she hates the cattiness of the group, but it’s hard not to get caught up in it when they’re all together.  That’s bullshit!  Jeana has been there since day one and she doesn’t act like that.  These self-righteous bitches can work a damn nerve!

Meanwhile at the Del Mar race track, almost all of them looked a hot ass mess.  Lynne is so obsessed with looking young.  Well, a young bitch would know to suck in her damn stomach!  Vicki looked like she was going to lunch after church service.  Jeana looked like there were birds living in a nest on her hat.  Kara looked a damn fool.  Tamra’s husband Simon looked like he was dressed up as a gangster for Halloween.  Greedy Gretchen was killin em and so was Tamra.  Donn looked good to us, too! 

Tamra and Vicki were hella rude to Lynne.  There was no need to treat her like that.  These grown ass women are acting like fucking teenagers. 

Vicki needs to stop disrespecting Donn like that.  He’s going to fuck around and leave her muthafuckin ass!  Why would you say some shit like that to your husband? 

It looks like next week Greedy Gretchen is going to put herself out there a bit too far!  I hope she didn’t do some shit she’ll regret with Tamra’s gay son!

In a minute…

The Real Housewives of OC: 12.30.08 Wrap-Up

What’s with these bitches putting their handbags on the fucking ground?  Do you know what kind of nasty shit has been on that ground?  Disgusting!  Vicki and her fat ass daughter did some mother/daughter bonding this episode.  We were hoping Brianne  was pregnant, but unfortunately it’s just fat!  And whoever picked out those shoes for Vicki should remain on the payroll because that’s the cutest shit Vicki’s ass owns!

We see that Slade is still a puppy dog for Jo.  That woman can do no wrong in his eyes.  We saw why when she pulled off that jacket.  Jo is annoying, but bitch was working the shit out of that dress!  We ain’t mad at her.  But um, Jo knows good and hell well that she can’t sing her way out of a Vlasic pickle jar. 

Lynne can be obsessed with being young all she wants, but she ain’t!  Lynne looks old as sin.  Just because you’re thin doesn’t mean you look young.  This bitch’s forearms have wrinkles.  How do your forearms get wrinkles?  With those 70 year old woman lookin hands.  Did you see them being tanned?  Lynne and her daughters looked like carrots in that spray booth!

Hold up!  Tamra‘s dad left her mom after almost 3 decades of marriage for her friend!  We woulda whooped that bitch’s ass, number one…his number two!  That explains a lot about Tamra’s messy ass!  Is this not the messiest bitch on tv?  She should be happy that Gretchen didn’t slap the shit out of her for that out of line bullshit she said at dinner.  Why the fuck would you open your mouth to question someone else about how they’re handling their fiance having Cancer?  Tamra don’t know where the fuck she would go…Bass Lake or Vegas!  Hollywood or Vine sho nuff woulda caused a scene if she said that shit to one of us!  We wonder how Tamra is going to act when her tattoo gettin, baby makin crazy ass son comes out!  Just saying…

If we have to see Vicki in that damn top one more time, we might scream.  That low cut number with the cap sleeves and the built in jeweled belt at the waist.  How the fuck many of the same top did she get in different colors?  It ain’t that damn cute! 

Raquel is a fucking obnoxious little bitch!  How the fuck is she gonna bully her little sister into giving up her cute little outfit for her to wear?  This bitch is like a bridezilla in the  making.  All the shopping they did and all the clothes in that house and she didn’t know until right before her fucking birthday party that she didn’t like that stripper get up?  Poor Alexa looked so uncomfortable in that dress.  We think she switched dresses just so Raquel would shut the fuck up!  All this brat does is complain.  She better be glad she has white parents because there wouldn’t have been a party and damn sure not a brand new BMW if her parents were black!  Can you imagine a black daddy buying a brand new BMW for a spoiled bitch like this?

Lynne didn’t really tell her 15 year old daughter that she looked “classy” in a dress that barely covered her fucking ass.  Someone tell us that we heard her wrong!  Short, unattractive skater boy was right!  Alexa did look like a stripper.  Then to make matters worse, Lynne says that the dress is one of hers!  Lynne, sweetie, you have not been young or looked young in probably 20 years!  Walking around looking like a whore ain’t doing shit but makin you look like an old bitch trying unsuccessfully to hold onto her youth.  Take a page out of Jeana‘s book!  Bitch is aging with more grace than the rest of ya’ll!

Now, the dinner with all the ladies changed some shit for H&V.  We used to like Vicki, but damn she was ruder than usual trying to question Lynne!  Shit, Lynne has just as much right to direct the conversation as the other broads.  Speaking of Lynne, we are feeling her a lot more after seeing how she let them know fuck, I don’t get out that much so when I do, I don’t want to talk about no damn kids or Cancer, period!  People don’t always want to hear that shit!  The whole dinner was  just a disaster.  Vicki with her jealous ass.  No, Lynne shouldn’t get a job, not if she doesn’t have to.  Just because Vicki works like a dog to avoid her miserable life doesn’t mean everyone else should!  We’re disappointed in Vicki lately.  And Tamra with that unhealthy hair.  She needs to just cut if off and start over!  She was wrong for that shit.  We ain’t feelin her!

On a serious note, we truly hope that Gretchen’s husband Jeff makes a full recovery.  But he if she doesn’t stop fucking him while he’s in the ICU, he don’t stand a chance!

In a minute…

Real Housewives of OC: 12.16.08

Okay, a few things stood out to Hollywood & Vine tonight.  Why the fuck did Tamra allow her husband, Simon, to take Kara‘s young, 19 year old ass to the firing range?  What is wrong with this bitch?  You don’t let your husband go to the shooting range with a teeny bopper.  Tamra might think she’s the hottest housewife, but she ain’t 19!  To an old ass rich man, it doesn’t get any better than that!  This is how they lose their husbands!  Simon told Kara that she didn’t need a sexy gun!  Keep on Tamra, keep on!

Speaking of Tamra, her son Ryan is, well…never mind.  Our faithful readers know exactly what the hell we’re thinking.

It’s not even that Vicki looks old; she just makes herself look so fucking bad all the time.  That poorly styled, thin hair and her raccoon eyes.  Shit, at least the Atlanta Housewives hire professional make-up artists to work on them before they leave the house!  Keep on, Don probably already has a piece on the side and if she don’t quit, he WILL divorce her ass, take half her money and have a nice day!

Don is 10 years older than Vicki, but he LOOKS 10 years younger than her!  He done told her that if she doesn’t give him attention, someone else will.  He ain’t lyin!  These white women need to stop thinking they look so good that their husbands won’t leave their asses!

Jeana and Vicki need to stop giving each other marital advice!  They both have fucked up ass marriages.  Just be each others friend and hire shrinks for the advice. 

We don’t really have an opinion about the new broad, Lynne.  All we want to know is if these bitches look in the mirror!  She was talkin about how she just wants to look young.  Okay, great, but you ain’t looked young in 30 years honey.  Maybe if they’d stop worrying about aging and just take care of themselves, they wouldn’t look old as sin!

We already see Vicki is going to fall off our good list next week from the preview. 

We can’t WAIT to see Matt tell Kara “you’re just really overcooked”!  Only a crazy muthafucka who got hit upside the head with a baseball would say some funny shit like that.  You’re just really overcooked!

In a minute…

Real Housewives of OC: 12.2.08 Wrap-Up

Hollywood & Vine are so glad that the OC bitches are back!  We know we were slacking on the premiere episode, but get comfy because we have some serious catching up to do!

First of all, did ya’ll peep Vicki buying a $1.2 million dollar yacht, while Kim and Sheree [Real Housewives of Atlanta] were riding around a creek, better known as Lake Lanier, in a tugboat!  Just sayin…

Tamra can work a nerve, can’t she?  This bitch complained about everything her husband did trying to help move her damn gym equipment around.  Who gives a fuck if he scratched the floor or the wall?  Tamra ain’t paying for SHIT in that house, not even her tits.  Bitch, shut the fuck up, for real!  And why are all these people moving their own shit?  They’re supposed to be living the high life behind the gates.  They can’t afford movers?

Gretchen took her poor, old ass husband to look for a motorcycle.  She claimed to have grown up around dirt bikes and shit, yet she had to ask the salesman what was what.  Which one is it?  She might work our nerves this season; the jury is still out on her walking around in the cold in Michigan in a bikini ass!  She thinks she’s slick trying to get that man on the bike of her bike.  Lord forgive us, but we think she’s TRYING to push him into his grave as fast as humanly possible!

Don better man up with Vicki.  Yeah, Vicki does run shit, but he’s still a man.  Shit, at least act like he’s the king of his [your] castle.  This bitch gone send him off to Hayward, Wisconsin while she goes to Puerto Vallarta with her two bratty ass ungrateful children!  How is that a fair trade?  She was wrong for throwing that non-adoption issue in his face at dinner.  H&V are glad Don checked her ass.  No, he might not have adopted those two spoiled assholes, but he raised them as his own unlike her bitch ass, hillbilly first husband.

Did you see the bump underneath Ashley’s [Lauri‘s daughter] tracks?  When did white bitches start wearing quick weaves?  She looked a mess, but we’ll give it to her for starting her own business.  Lauri needs to stop hatin on her own daughter.  We remember the first two seasons when baby girl was a drunk and partied till she tore up Lauri’s condo.  Now she has turned her life around and Lauri STILL isn’t being supportive!  Talkin about she and George discuss business plans everyday.  Lauri ain’t worked at nothing but finding a rich husband.  What the fuck does she know about a successful business plan…with that alleged jewelry line that never got off the ground!  She could barely even type on that laptop in the limo.  She acted like she didn’t know how to work it with those Coco from SWV 1994 nails.

These broads walk around like they have more money than they can handle.  Well then Tamra, next time get a good Louis Vuitton knock off.  Better yet, get a real one!  Then she had the nerve to stand next to Lauri and Vicki with their real shit.  Poor thing – like H&V weren’t going to notice that!  Speaking of Tamra, her jealousy of Gretchen’s youth is starting to show already.  Bitch, you ain’t the hottest housewife anymore.  It’s a rap!  She better be glad Gretchen didn’t throw that expensive ass glass of champagne on her for inappropriately asking if she divorced the first husband because he was poor!  This bitch really gets on our nerves.

Evidently, next week one of the housewives will be leaving the show.  H&V aren’t sure who it is, but our guesses are either Lauri because her son is on heroin and they don’t want to deal with that shit on national TV, Gretchen because her husband’s health worsens and they don’t want to deal with their shit on TV, or Vicki [our long shot] because H&V think that her bitch of a daughter is pregnant!

A few parting thoughts about tonight’s show:

  • Bravo should put up a warning sign before showing Tamra without make-up
  • Lauri looked like the Cat Lady without her make-up and bitch knew it.  She wouldn’t even look at the camera while waiting for the elevator.
  • H&V apologize to anyone who had to watch this shit in HD.
  • Vicki is so difficult to live with that her dog looked like it developed a nervous condition.
  • Gretchen looked like she lived on 4th Avenue in Inglewood!  She must be about 45 miles from the gates.  But that’s probably why her husband still has money.
  • Why did Gretchen walk to the limo with a white Murakami bag, but got into the limo with a Fendi hobo bag?
  • Gretchen, French toast is not a delicacy.  How are you marrying someone and don’t know that muthafucka eats French toast for breakfast?

In a minute…

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