As I’m watching all of the “stars” dancing at the opening, I want Jennifer Grey to stick to choreographed moves. Now that we’re without the sex bomb Hoff, I can cringe a bit less tonight.
We’re starting off with Rick Fox and a Jive. I LOVE this dance. I hope he can pull it off. He has a tendon issue. Let’s see how this works out. He’s actually a good partner. She’s not draggin his ass all over the floor like Chelsie is doing w/Michael Bolton. Cheryl’s ass thinks she’s slick putting all that ass slappin’ in the routine! I see you Cheryl. That was a lot of fun. He wasn’t perfect, but he was pretty good for a Week 2 jive! See, the judges are sayin’ exactly what I’m saying. Ya’ll think I’m crazy, but I speaketh the truth:) Let’s see what all that means for scores…21! Not bad. (Commercial)
Up next, Florence Henderson. I know she’s America’s mom, but she ain’t mine. She bores me, but aight let’s see her Quick Step. Hopefully it’s not more like a half time step!…….Ummmm. Didn’t I just say the half time step?! That’s what it was. I’ve seen people mover faster running through a club when I fight breaks out! That was terrible. Okay, Bruno said she looked like Driving Miss Daisy LOL! Carrie Ann liked it and thought it was elegant. Oh stop it, Carrie Ann. It’s okay to tell a 76-year-old that she sucked! Len loved it, too! They need to quit. They know good and hell well the producers told them to keep her around! Now for her scores…Wait a minute, why does Brooke Burke even have on a dress? I think I actually saw her implants shift that damn dress is cut so low. Flo got a 19!
Alright now Brandy! Bring it bitch! She and Maks are arguing in rehearsals. WHY do these celebrities argue with their pro partners? Listen to what they’re tryna teach you and MOVE ON, damn! She better Jive her ass off after that. Oh gawd, she did a little booty shaking mid dance. Len is going to HATE that! Oh geez, Sassy Sarah Palin is in the audience tonight. I’m going to throw up! Back to Brandy, she didn’t have much attack or sharpness tonight. Carrie Ann didn’t like it! Len thought she took steps backward from last week. Yep, Len said that she didn’t dance with intent! Bruno said she was only okay and she wasn’t sharp or precise enough! Mmmm hmmm. (Commercial) 21 for Brandy! (3406)
Michael Bolton better not come with another cringe worthy performance! He’s doing a jive. I am not expecting too much from him. For real Chelsie? You want him to crawl out of a dog house cuz you’re dancing to hound dog? The pros KNOW that Len hates that shit. Just get to the dancing already. This is already fucking dumb! I made it through like 3 people without cussing. I tried. Sorry folks, I can’t watch! He O-fficially needs to be sent home tomorrow! Do not vote for this man LOL! I see why Nicolette Sheridan laid him off. If he moves like that in bed, well never mind! He better get lower than a 15 cuz that’s what he got last week and last week was better! Len said that Michael’s jive needed a pooper scooper to finish it off LOL! Hilarious. Bruno told him that he shoulda kept the bone and gone back into the dog house LMFAO! I’ll say this much, yes he’s a bad dancer, but Chelsie did him a disservice as his professional partner with that bullshit! OH EMM GEE he got a TWELVE LMFAO!! Bruno gave this mofo a THREE! DAYUM!
Audrina and Tony are up next. I think she’s gonna do a good Quick Step..an ACTUAL quick step, Flo! Here go the tears. She’s sad cuz she barely gets to see her latest loser boyfriend and it’s taking a toll on their “relationship”! Spare me your sob story and dance! Audrina did her thing tonight! That was good. I hope Carrie Ann gets on her about not pointing her toes like she did Brandy. Aight, Bruno liked it although there were issues at time. Carrie Ann I guess overlooked that b/c she only sang her praises. Len said it was the best performance of the night…so far and he was right! Wait, Tony said in rehearsal that if they don’t get three 8s he’s gonna wax his legs LOL! Here’s one…two….and Bruno gave them a 7 LOL!
After seeing Jennifer Grey try to dance in the opening, I’m afraid about her jive. Then again, Derek made it look like Brooke Burke could do any dance. So she should be fine. Oh wow, Jennifer found out she had cancer via a routine check up for the show. She can move very to choreographed steps. She’s getting it. Losing a little gas midway through, but hanging on. She did great, but Audrina was better! With those extensions in her hair, she actually looks like the Jennifer Grey we all remember. If I have to hear Brooke talk about how she remembers doing this dance and that dance one more time, I might turn this off! Scores…24! Hmmmmm. I don’t know, but okay.
Oh gawd, Sarah Palin is sitting with Tom. I know Bruno hates her ass. For real, Bristol the Pistol? I could vomit. I wonder how all of the gay pros feel about her being there knowing that she thinks they are vile individuals!
Margaret Cho up next. She said people were shunning her ass last week cuz they just knew she was going home. So did I, but I was wrong. Louis is tryna keep her from being funny on the dance floor. Good! This is a dance competition, not a comedy showcase. If we wanna see that, we’ll buy tickets to see you live. (commercial) Okay. Why does she look like someone just robbed her. Uh oh, get it Marge. Ooops, spoke too soon. She’s a little wild and keeps forgetting the steps, BUT the steps she does remember she’s puttin her back into ’em lol. Hey, at least she had fun out there. I hope she enjoyed it cuz the judges are going to eat her up! Len was kind. He just said work on the kicks. Bruno said that she was all over the place, too. He also said that when she was relaxed she danced better. Ya’ll are gonna start listening to Hollywood and me LOL! Carrie Ann encouraged her fellow Asian American. Score…18. Louis doesn’t like the triple 6. I’m with him, but I’ll leave that alone.
Kyle and Lacey are up next. I really want Lacey to bring her dark hair back. Why do white women always want to be blond? Anyway, she put him on a fast food free diet while they’re on the show. Yeah, cuz he’s really going to stick to that! Quick Step, here we go…He looks like a shoe shine man. Get it big boy. He is doing IT. Lacey came to play with this partner. You can see it in how she’s even dancing! Alright now. Bring it judges! Bring it!! Bruno said that he needs more control. BOOOOOOOOO! Carrie Ann loved it! Len said he was flat footed, his hold was bad, he had no style, BUT he liked it! Len is such a grumpy ass old man. We’ll have scores after the break. Kurt Warner’s jive is coming up, too. I don’t know how good that’s gonna be….22 for Kyle and Lacey!
Time for Kurt Warner and his good looking self to take the floor. Uh oh, Anna is whipping him into shape in the studio. I’m excited. This might be good!! Did he just moonwalk lol? Oh shit, he’s getting into it now. But she has to stop letting him add his own flare to their routines. He was decent. I enjoyed it, but let’s see what the judges say. Len loved it. Bruno too. Straight to the scores…21! Not bad with his sexy self!
I already know that The Situation is not going to do well with the Quick Step. This jackass fool talking about he wants to dance to hip hop or something that he likes! Is he pigeon-toed? Here we go. Hmmm. He’s trying really, REALLY hard, but it’s just not working. Oh lordy, he’s messing up steps. I think Flo actually moved a lot more quickly than he did. HOWEVER, we cannot let him go home over something small like not being able to dance LOL! If ya’ll can keep Kate Gosselin around for half the season, then The Situation can stick around for a bit, too! 18!!!! I LOVE how Sitch acts like Karina is not even his partner.
Bristol I needed Mark to life my leg for me last week Palin is up next. Oooh lucky Mark, she brought him to Alaska with her. I’m sorry, I can’t even watch this shit. I’ll just wait until they hit the stage. Quick Step She’s doing the moves, but her face is not connecting with her body. Her face says that she’s getting a pap smear and her body looks like it’s trying to do the quickstep. WHY are people standing up for her? She didn’t do shit. SEE, Bruno said what I said! I know that Kelly Osbourne is disgusted by Carrie Ann saying that Bristol reminds her of Kelly. Negative! OH COME ON LEN…8??? Get the fuck outta here! She did not HARDLY dance an 8!
Until tomorrow…in a minute…Vine