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Posts tagged ‘Lauren Conrad’

The Hills Season 5 Episodes 1&2 Recap

I know, ya’ll are shocked that we’re reviewing the Hills.  But H&V used to watch this shit way back when.  We fell off, but since one of our readers made a request, why not!

Oh Gawd, Heidi, her fake lips, fake boobs, honk if you love Jesus self is up with some bad weave wearin’ girl.  I think that’s Spencer’s sister.  WHY do white bitches in L.A. just get their tracks put in and don’t get the shit cut or styled?  I don’t get that.

Audrina and Lo are together.  Hollywood & I love Lo!  I guess she said fuck it to UC Santa Barbara.  Just as well…that’s where she picked up that nasty coke habit, allegedly of course!  Sorry, I’m makin’ up for lost time.

So I take it someone is having a birthday.  Probably LC

Heidi and Stephanie are tryna come up with a lie to tell Spencer about where they’re going.  He would freak out if he knew she were going to hang LC.  He’s such a hater.  If it wasn’t for LC, yo ass wouldn’t be on tv asshole!  Eww, Spencer looks like he has a lip fungus, don’t he?  He’s creepy!

Over to the Marina, I’m lettin’ ya’ll know right now if one of them bitches ends up in the water, I’m done!  Oh my God, Brody is there.  Lord, please let those two get married one day!  How the fuck is Heidi gonna A) come LATE to a surprise party and B) come uninvited?  What’s wrong with this broad?  This shit is about to be like the Titanic.  Luckily all that weave in Heidi’s head doubles as a flotation device.  Just sayin’…

Back at sea, LC wants Heidi to leave, but is too nice to ask.  That and they in the middle of the damn water!  I’ve never seen a grown ass woman beg so hard to be someone’s friend. 

Over at The Dime, Spencer and Charlie spot Stephanie’s ex-boyfriend.  Being the attention whore he is, Spencer approached the guy for absolutely no reason.  The bartender, like Stacy, is like totally flirting with like Spencer and if I like have to hear this bitch say like one more time, I might like vomit.  She ain’t a regular is she?

Heidi called Spencer about the text Stephanie got from her ex! 

Spencer, you’re busted.  Now he’s gonna act like he’s innocent.  WHO is this fool gonna hurt?  And why does this muthafucka need to “touch you first dawg”?  If you’re gonna fight, then fight bitch!

What is it that Heidi doesn’t know about  what Spencer did at the bar?  Dude was clear.  She’s so naive!

You know what, I’m really fuckin’ pissed that Heidi got LC crying at her own damn birthday party!  This bitch is such a shine stealin’ drama queen!  It ain’t very Christian-like to steal someone’s thunder Heidi!  Seriously!  Do ya’ll follow Spencer and Heidi on Twitter?  They are constantly talking about how good God is, but he fightin’ folks at a dive bar?!  Granted, Hollywood & I know how good God is, too, but we don’t talk about it on the blog.  Why?  So that when we start cussin’ and actin’ a fool, nobody can shake their finger at us! 

How is it that she got all this plastic surgery, LC ain’t had none and STILL looks better than her?!

LC might not have wanted Heidi there, but she sure as hell took that Chanel shopping bag home with her!  Get it bitch!

Wait a minute, there’s another episode…Let me refill my wine glass!

Aight, Spencer goes off on Steph for tellin’ Heidi about flirting with the bartender.  Blah blah blah, brother-sister dramz! 

Lawd have mercy!  Heidi done walked into The Dime to confront the bartender, Stacy.  Why do bitches do that?  Never show another bitch your insecurities, period!  This is how broads get their man took. 

Back at the apartment, Speidi is fightin’ about his flirting.  She feels disrespected.  Here’s the deal Heidil..Spencer, as ugly and slimy as he is, is still a man.  Just cuz ya’ll allegedly engaged don’t mean he ain’t gonna flirt with other bitches!  He’s committed, not gay!  Chill the fuck out and stop being a damn nag!  Now she mad, so she done flown to Colorado!

LC checked Steph about bringing Heidi to her party! 

Over at Cafe Muse, Spencer and Brody met up.  Brody is giving him bad advice, but what do you expect?  Spencer is scramblin’ to make up with Brody cuz he knows he ain’t shit without Heidi.  For some reason, people like her music and her.  Nobody likes Spencer.  He’s the sidekick muthafuckas tolerate cuz of the main attraction!

Uh oh, Heidi just ran into her ex-boyfriend Colby.  He’s not cute.  Heidi don’t want him. 

Brody and LC got together to trash talk Speidi.  I wish they’d just get it right.

Okay, wait a minute, Spencer and Charlie are back at The Dime…the spot that got his ass into this mess in the first place.  And why are you lettin’ this bitch call her fiancee crazy?  He’s such a piece of shit.  What does Heidi see in this fool?  I know his dick is little, so that can’t be it!

I can’t believe all that shit just happened in 1 hour!  Did ya’ll watch?  Thoughts?

…Vine…in a minute…


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