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Posts tagged ‘Lauri Waring’

Real Housewives of OC: Season 4 Finale

Aight, this shit better be good because this is almost the last time Hollywood & Vine get to see our girls this year!

So Jeana is prepping for her birthday date with Allen, a red-faced hillbilly from Texas.  Jeana said “as you get older, you realize there’s more to life than physical attraction” just in case ya’ll though H&V were being harsh.  We were nice compared to that.  He took her to the St. Regis for dinner.  So he must have some of that Texas hillbilly money!  Dude is just hella unattractive.  Damn we can’t wait for Jeana to decide to lose that fuckin weight because she’s such a nice lookin broad.  Movin on cuz these two muthafuckas is boring as shit!

On to Wooooo Hoooooo VickiBrianna’s big ass came by to visit her at work (nice plug for Coto Insurance).  Evidently, the big ole big ole is thinking about entering the Army’s nursing program.  Vicki is mad as fuck about this shit!  What gets H&V is that muthafuckas like Vicki are so pro-war, yet she don’t want her own child over there in the middle of that bullshit!  Hypocrite…but we digress!  AHA!!!  Now we know why Brianna has gotten big as a house.  Colby left her.  Damn, this fuckin asshole was wrong for that shit.  While packin up the car for a road trip he said I can’t go anymore; I don’t love you!!?  What the fuck?  She should whooped Colby’s fuckin ass for that shit!  We almost feel bad for callin her fat.  ALMOST!

Over to Lynne’s two loose daughters in the making.  Raquel is pissed that mommy wants her lazy ass to get a job.  This little bitch works our last nerve!  She has been outta high school for almost two years and still ain’t done shit with herself?  That, ladies and gentleman, is what H&V call a loser!  Lynne had the nerve to say raising teenage girls is so difficult.  Um, correct us if we’re wrong, but she ain’t raised them.  That’s why these bitches are fuckin and drinkin, but don’t have gas money!

The ladies decided to have their end of the summer bash somewhere in Laguna.  Greedy Gretchen said that Jeff is back in the hospital and the doc wouldn’t let him out for the party!  Uhhhh, no shit!  Jeana brought Allen and her implants to the party!  She looked great, minus the back fat!  Even Jo and Slade’s asses were there.  Recipe for disaster.

Simon surprised Tacky Tamra with an expensive diamond tennis bracelet that he probably got for free in exchange for sayin the company’s name on tv.  We still ain’t figured out how this bitch’s wrists are so damn wrinkled!  She’s not that fuckin old.

Ya’ll remember Tammy Knickerbocker?  Well she showed up with her two daughters and her man.  It was nice to see her.  Vicki announced to Tammy and Michael that she bought herself a new Rolex, but in the next breath said she didn’t want to tell everyone.  She’d rather be “classy”and under the radar until people noticed her shit on their own!  First of all, why does this bitch go out of her way to belittle her husband?  Donn’s gonna fuck around and leave her ass one day, bet!  Secondly, it never fails that a muthafucka is in trouble when they say the word “classy”.  H&V been tryna tell ya.

Meanwhile, Greedy Gretchen calls all the housewives, even Lauri, over for a huddle.  She presented them with a gift, if you wanna call it that.  She gave the other OC bitches Coach coin purses!  COACH?  These hoes are walkin round with Rolexes and 30-40k wedding rings and Greedy Gretchen fuckin gives them COACH?  Who over the age of 18 still carries a Coach bag?  Now, Vicki had to be a bitch about that, too!  We ain’t bring no gift.  We ain’t get the gift memo.  Bitch, just say thank you and re-gift that shit to your fat daughter!  It’s not a big deal.  Vicki always has some shit to say.  Tacky Tamra, too.  Steady thinkin someone is tryna kiss her ass!  Bitch, nobody gives a fuck about you that much!  We wish Greedy Gretchen would cuss her ass out!  We’ll likely get our wish on the reunion special.

Speakin of Gretchen, her dad read a letter to her from Jeff.  It basically thanked her for standing by his side and that he got her something to put a smile on her face.  The whole Greedy clan walked outside of the party and what was waitin for her ass….a brand new $23,000 Harley Davidson!  Tacky Tamra is so fuckin full of herself.  She thinks that Gretchen copied her!  She is so jealous of Gretchen!  Vicki ain’t much better.  She said to her seemingly gay friend who would want a Harley at our age?  Dude said ya’ll ain’t the same age; she’s 20 years younger.  Vicki was like 10 years younger, she is NOT 20 years younger than me!  Vicki, get a grip.  You ain’t been 40 in damn near a decade.  Boyfriend got it right the first time!  If these bitches spent more time on their heartbroken fat and gay kids or their husbands instead of on Greedy Gretchen, we bet their lives would improve 100%!

Jo makes an entrance with a new hair cut.  Hollywood is feelin’ it, but Vine ain’t.  Tacky Tamra has the balls to say Slade looks like a homo… with her gay ass son runnin round the party still frontin like he likes bitches! 

At the end of the show they gave us updates on everyone.  Everything was fairly predictable, but it still got us when Jeana told about Jeff’s passing.  Even though we already knew, it’s just really sad. 

The reunion will be on next week.  We don’t know too much yet, but H&V think that Tacky Tamra had some work done on her face! 

Overall, we thought it was a great season.  What did ya’ll think?

Stick with Hollywood & Vine for a season full of the New York bitches! 

In a minute…

Real Housewives of OC Wrap-Up: 1.6.09

Bravo started the episode off with a bang!  Greedy Gretchen’s 4.7 carat diamond engagement ring arrived in the mail.  Big Daddy’s upgrade put him back $65,000.00.  We ain’t mad at her because the ring was beautiful.  But did anyone else notice that in one breath she was talking about how she was praying that the bone marrow transplant cured Jeff‘s cancer and in the very next breath she was like OMG LOOK AT MY RING?  His daughter Jill was looking like my daddy bought this bitch a car for her finger and I have to live in fucking Michigan!  We’d be pissed, too!

Moving on to Lynne and her daughter Alexa, her boyfriend Randy was coming over.  Lynne is still in denial that her 15 year old looked like a slut in her dress last week.  Randy wasn’t confused, he was trying to help her ass out.  This broad has had 3 “serious relationships” at the age of 15?  Lynne said she can’t control her daughter.  WHAT THE FUCK?  You can’t control your daughter?  You don’t want her to have a boyfriend, but she doesn’t feel good about herself without one?  How did she even fix her fucking mouth to say this shit?  Your daughter don’t pay rent, bills or buy groceries!  Therefore, YOU CONTROL HER, period!  And these parents wonder why their daughters end up tramps by the age of 18! 

Jeanna and her ex-husband, Gary, got together for lunch.  We love this bitch!  She just keeps it real.  Gary is much better than Matt’s crazy ass.  But by the sounds of all the “ex-wives” talk, Gary is a hound dog!

Tamra sent an email to Gretchen apologizing for being a judgmental ass bitch!  H&V ain’t buyin it.  Tamra is one fake, jealous ass broad! 

It was normal and quiet as hell without Vicki’s WOOOOOOO HOOOOOOO hollerin ass there at the St. Regis while the ladies were hat shopping!  She is so fucking annoying.

Vicki’s son Michael and his bitchy ass girlfriend bug the shit out of his.  Talkin shit like that about Jeana.  Jeana did what all good parents do.  When young people have 2 or more cars at the house while their parents are away, they are gonna get a call!  Michael’s freeloadin ass girlfriend has nerve talkin about a grown muthafucka who could buy and sell her trashy ass! 

Laurie and Tamra ggot together for lunch!  We don’t know which one is the lesser of two evils.  God they look a mess.  Those nappy as tracks and age spots and shit!  Tamra is ridiculous talkin about how she hates the cattiness of the group, but it’s hard not to get caught up in it when they’re all together.  That’s bullshit!  Jeana has been there since day one and she doesn’t act like that.  These self-righteous bitches can work a damn nerve!

Meanwhile at the Del Mar race track, almost all of them looked a hot ass mess.  Lynne is so obsessed with looking young.  Well, a young bitch would know to suck in her damn stomach!  Vicki looked like she was going to lunch after church service.  Jeana looked like there were birds living in a nest on her hat.  Kara looked a damn fool.  Tamra’s husband Simon looked like he was dressed up as a gangster for Halloween.  Greedy Gretchen was killin em and so was Tamra.  Donn looked good to us, too! 

Tamra and Vicki were hella rude to Lynne.  There was no need to treat her like that.  These grown ass women are acting like fucking teenagers. 

Vicki needs to stop disrespecting Donn like that.  He’s going to fuck around and leave her muthafuckin ass!  Why would you say some shit like that to your husband? 

It looks like next week Greedy Gretchen is going to put herself out there a bit too far!  I hope she didn’t do some shit she’ll regret with Tamra’s gay son!

In a minute…

Real Housewives of OC: 12.2.08 Wrap-Up

Hollywood & Vine are so glad that the OC bitches are back!  We know we were slacking on the premiere episode, but get comfy because we have some serious catching up to do!

First of all, did ya’ll peep Vicki buying a $1.2 million dollar yacht, while Kim and Sheree [Real Housewives of Atlanta] were riding around a creek, better known as Lake Lanier, in a tugboat!  Just sayin…

Tamra can work a nerve, can’t she?  This bitch complained about everything her husband did trying to help move her damn gym equipment around.  Who gives a fuck if he scratched the floor or the wall?  Tamra ain’t paying for SHIT in that house, not even her tits.  Bitch, shut the fuck up, for real!  And why are all these people moving their own shit?  They’re supposed to be living the high life behind the gates.  They can’t afford movers?

Gretchen took her poor, old ass husband to look for a motorcycle.  She claimed to have grown up around dirt bikes and shit, yet she had to ask the salesman what was what.  Which one is it?  She might work our nerves this season; the jury is still out on her walking around in the cold in Michigan in a bikini ass!  She thinks she’s slick trying to get that man on the bike of her bike.  Lord forgive us, but we think she’s TRYING to push him into his grave as fast as humanly possible!

Don better man up with Vicki.  Yeah, Vicki does run shit, but he’s still a man.  Shit, at least act like he’s the king of his [your] castle.  This bitch gone send him off to Hayward, Wisconsin while she goes to Puerto Vallarta with her two bratty ass ungrateful children!  How is that a fair trade?  She was wrong for throwing that non-adoption issue in his face at dinner.  H&V are glad Don checked her ass.  No, he might not have adopted those two spoiled assholes, but he raised them as his own unlike her bitch ass, hillbilly first husband.

Did you see the bump underneath Ashley’s [Lauri‘s daughter] tracks?  When did white bitches start wearing quick weaves?  She looked a mess, but we’ll give it to her for starting her own business.  Lauri needs to stop hatin on her own daughter.  We remember the first two seasons when baby girl was a drunk and partied till she tore up Lauri’s condo.  Now she has turned her life around and Lauri STILL isn’t being supportive!  Talkin about she and George discuss business plans everyday.  Lauri ain’t worked at nothing but finding a rich husband.  What the fuck does she know about a successful business plan…with that alleged jewelry line that never got off the ground!  She could barely even type on that laptop in the limo.  She acted like she didn’t know how to work it with those Coco from SWV 1994 nails.

These broads walk around like they have more money than they can handle.  Well then Tamra, next time get a good Louis Vuitton knock off.  Better yet, get a real one!  Then she had the nerve to stand next to Lauri and Vicki with their real shit.  Poor thing – like H&V weren’t going to notice that!  Speaking of Tamra, her jealousy of Gretchen’s youth is starting to show already.  Bitch, you ain’t the hottest housewife anymore.  It’s a rap!  She better be glad Gretchen didn’t throw that expensive ass glass of champagne on her for inappropriately asking if she divorced the first husband because he was poor!  This bitch really gets on our nerves.

Evidently, next week one of the housewives will be leaving the show.  H&V aren’t sure who it is, but our guesses are either Lauri because her son is on heroin and they don’t want to deal with that shit on national TV, Gretchen because her husband’s health worsens and they don’t want to deal with their shit on TV, or Vicki [our long shot] because H&V think that her bitch of a daughter is pregnant!

A few parting thoughts about tonight’s show:

  • Bravo should put up a warning sign before showing Tamra without make-up
  • Lauri looked like the Cat Lady without her make-up and bitch knew it.  She wouldn’t even look at the camera while waiting for the elevator.
  • H&V apologize to anyone who had to watch this shit in HD.
  • Vicki is so difficult to live with that her dog looked like it developed a nervous condition.
  • Gretchen looked like she lived on 4th Avenue in Inglewood!  She must be about 45 miles from the gates.  But that’s probably why her husband still has money.
  • Why did Gretchen walk to the limo with a white Murakami bag, but got into the limo with a Fendi hobo bag?
  • Gretchen, French toast is not a delicacy.  How are you marrying someone and don’t know that muthafucka eats French toast for breakfast?

In a minute…

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