Where Reality Meets Rhapsody

Posts tagged ‘Lynne Curtin’

Real Housewives of OC: S5 Episode 4

Oh no, Vicki is tryna play matchmaker with Breanna and one of her colleague’s son!  This has disaster written all over it.  Dayum, did ya’ll see that big ass gumbo pot full of Top Ramen that Breanna was making?  Hmmm, so far so good, but I’m sure the thought of Vicki being his mother-in-law will scare him off!

Gretchen hopped a plane out to Michigan to see Jeff’s kids and bury his ashes with them.  I’m glad that his kids have stuck by Gretchen and not let assholes like Tamra shake their belief in what was real to them and their father!

Over at Vicki’s for the BBQ she put together to welcome Chris, Tacky Tam and her tacky ass family showed up.  Who is she to say that it’s weird that Chris flew out to Cali to meet Breanna?  She is so damn NEGATIVE.  I know that is funny coming from us, but shit, at least we find the good in some shit.  She can’t find the good in pay day!  Her gay, ill-mannered son, Ryan, showed up acting like a lil bitch!  How are you technically going to steal someone’s car and not apologize to them for it?  Team Simon on this one!  Ryan needs to get his license back along with a job and stop taking shit that don’t belong to him!

Alexis and Jim are enjoying lunch together, looks like the Ritz-Carlton, Marina del Rey.  He just gave her a sweet piece of jewelry.  I can’t hate.  So far so good.  I like those two.  There is nothing wrong with putting your husband and kids on a pedestal.  Frankly, it’s supposed to be like that, especially when he does the same to you.

Over to the pot house, the Curtins have called in some chick named Vanessa who’s supposed to know kids better than adults.  I can’t with Raquel, Alexis and this sham of a woman.  Uh oh, wait a minute.  Alexa is being honest.  You see, she is desperate to talk to someone!  She’s starved for attention.  She just said it…finally someone to listen to her, not talk over her!  She’s a very smart girl.  I hope she keeps her head on straight and stop walking around looking like Paris Hilton.  That’s not cute in spite of what teenage white girls think!

Oh no, Breanna and old boy don’t seem to be feelin each other any more.  Why not get the man out the house and do something?  Nobody wants to sit up in your mama’s house for a weekend.  That was uncomfortable to watch!

Lord, Breanna took this poor guy to a damn yogurt place.  He did not come out to Cali for this.  She’s boring as hell!  I wouldn’t have had much to say to her either.

Jeff’s kids took Gretchen to the cemetery where they plan to bury his ashes!  I will not let myself cry!  I will not!  I’m just thankful that they all are still connected.  I think that would’ve warmed Jeff’s heart.

Over at Tacky Tam’s wig party, Lynne just walked in looking like Nancy Drew’s mama!  Like she was hiding behind a bush spying on Alexa on a date!  Maybe if Tam would save some of that vodka money and stop having parties, they’d have a bit of extra cash.  Why don’t think drink tequila…that is the family business now, right?

Tamra and Ryan are grabbing a bite together.  Evidently, Ryan got drunk, jumped off a tour bus and broke his foot in 4 places…..cuz that was a good fucking idea!  Now he’s gettin ready to go to jail for 5 days.  Ryan ain’t slick.  He didn’t do that community service cuz he doesn’t have the money to pay for it.  I got your number!

Looks like next week Donn and Vicki are gonna have to put Simon and Tamra in their place.  I’ve been waiting for these two to fall out.  I hope it doesn’t disappoint.

…Vine…in a minute

Real Housewives of OC: S5 Episode 3

Greedy Gretchen and Slade are in Scottsdale for a party!  How is Slade excited about marrying Gretchen and having 4 more kids when he can’t even take care of the kids he already has?  Sit your ass down without reversing your vasectomy and keep it moving!  Gretchen, enjoy this man, don’t marry him or have his kids!

Lord have mercy, Jeana has everyone in the house, even Matt!  Is she crazy?  That woman is too nice for her own good.  Having that toxic man in the house is only showing her sons who to treat women….and it ain’t like a princess!

Enters the new housewife, Alexis.  She and Jim have 2 twins and a 3-year-old son.  She looks good.  Not as good looking as Greedy Gretchen, but good.  The two of them seem to have a fun, loving relationship.

Jeana dropped by Vicki’s.  It’s funny that Vicki said Jeana stirs the pot when she is the QUEEN of kicking up shit!  You wait until Vicki needs a true friend.  I bet she’ll gain some sensitivity toward others then!

Back in AZ, Slade is acting like a douche who ain’t been anywhere before!  His shirts all unbuttoned lookin like a cat daddy, sort of, kissing Gretchen like that all in public!  It was just too damn much!  He’s so gross.  Remember back in Season 1 when he had money and looked good?  Now he just looks like an indie film director…..from Australia.

Alexis and Jim are at Tam’s for July 4th.  Alexis was killing it in that bikini while Tamra sat there staring at her with a muu muu on LOL!  When has Tamra ever walked around a pool without her bikini flashing that body she claims is so bangin?  Bitch was green with envy watching Alexis play in HER pool with her beautiful kids, husband who loves her, nanny on standby AND a 17 carat diamond ring! 

Greedy Gretchen and Alexis have evidently been friends for a year.  Good, Gretchen will get a break while Vicki and Tamra focus their hate on Alexis!

Kara, Shane hasn’t told a woman he loves her in 23 years of life cuz his ass don’t like women!!

Finally, the private party at La Perla…Lynne asked Alexis if she had a surrogate.  She looked at Lynne like BITCH, I had this rich man’s three babies and STILL look this good!  Overall, the whole party was a let down.  I thought some real shit was gonna pop off.

Notice that Jeana’s kids love coming home to see her?  Vicki has to pay her kids to spend time with her!  Just sayin.

Ooops, more La Perla.  Here comes Vicki talkin about she’s the only one who works in the crowd.  Please honey.  And the only reason that Tamra was nice to Gretchen is cuz she was puttin on a front in front of Alexis and Jeff, who’s friends with Simon!  Please believe it.

Looks like it’s the end of Jeana, for now.  I will truly miss her presence, but I’m glad she left on her terms!  Maybe when things stabilize for her, she’ll return! 

Do you guys think the show will be better or worse without Jeana?

…Vine…in a minute

Real Housewives of OC: S5 Episode 2

OMG they have carried this dumbass argument into another episode??  Drag much, Bravo?!  Tacky Tamra, YOU are the one who started the fight talkin’ about “bring it on”, but now you are 41 years old and have 4 kids!  Wait a minute, wasn’t Vicki the one up Gretchen’s ass last season talkin about she needed to have Jeff leave her insurance cuz her full-time job was loving and taking care of him?  Does she think we forgot about that?  Now all of a sudden she took the old man for a ride?  I’d whoop Tamra’s ass, but Gretchen got the last laugh so she doesn’t care!  I hope Lynne sees who her real friends are…the two that stayed there with her!

Why is Lynne laughing about her teenage daughter asking to have “one beer” for “relaxation”?  That is far from funny.  In fact, it sounds like another cry for help that Lynne is laughing to loud to hear@@  Everyone sees it but her. 

Slade needs to put that little penis away and Lynne needs to cover them old ass titties.  Nobody wants to see any of that!

Can Tamra and Vicki do something besides get together and stuff their wrinkled faces?  How are they “best friends” yet Vicki had no idea that Tam’s financial situation was as dire as it was?  Sounds like a bullshit friendship to me.  I know more about the lives of friends I met on Twitter than these two busy bodies know about each other.  So Simon is only earning money with his tequila business??  WHY?  He was making plenty of money at the car dealership.  Why wouldn’t he go back to that?  People with families really kill me pulling stunts like this.  I know you don’t wanna sit back behind that desk after living high on the hog, creating your own schedule for a couple of years, but muthaluva, you have kids and a wife whether you want her or not.  Take yo ass to work!  Tamra, take YO ass to work!  That is just ridiculous.  They’re the same two Republicans who think that people shouldn’t sit on their asses when they’re capable of working……but they ain’t workin!  Hypocrites.

Now Jeana is our girl!  She sold some cars, jewelry, art AND the bitch is still working!  That is what you do when you are hurting financially!  I love Jeana for that.  She’s driving that old school big body Benz.  Shit, it’s paid for!  You go Jeana.

Breanna finished her nursing program in 3 years when it usually takes 7 years!  Good for her.  That’s a wonderful accomplishment.  HOWEVA, you can’t tell me that she did that for any other reason than to get started on her career and away from Vicki’s nutty ass LMAO!  Breanna is like I’m OUT!  As a gift, Vicki is treating her and her mother to an Italian vacation.  This should be a train wreck!

Why is Gretchen tryna hawk shit on some hidden side street?  She should create an eBay account and sell her shit to nutjobs like Kim Kardashian does.

What parent in their right mind would take their child to a plastic surgeon to discuss getting work done?  This little girl ain’t old enough to buy a fucking drink, but you’re gonna pay for her to have her body cut up…cuz there’s a lot of competition in Orange County?  No wonder Alexa and Raquel are fucked in the head.  This girl has severe self-esteem issues.  It bothers me that Lynne is trying to put a band-aid over it instead of dealing with the issues.  This is downright pathetic!  And where is the father?  No real man should sit there and watch his daughter feel like that about herself!!  The Curtins SUCK as parents!

Vicki’s mama in Rome is exactly why people in other countries can’t stand Americans!  Damn that woman was ornery as hell.  I’m sorry, I woulda left her ass at home, mother or not!

Back over to Lynne and her two head cases…it’s sad when the 17-year-old is so upset that her mom and sister want to fuck with themselves via surgery that she starts crying!  I’m just smh.  Lynne is too dumb to read between the lines.  Alexa is NOT mad that Raquel gets more material shit.  She’s upset cuz she’s acting out by drinking, etc. and all her parents seem to notice or care about are Raquel’s looks and what kind of car she’s driving!  That little girl is in desperate need of loving parents!  I’m actually upset watching this right now.

Why did it take being broke for Tamra to clean her own house?  The bitch don’t work and has no newborns.  What are you too busy doing that you can’t clean up after your own family?

Kara transferred to UCLA and got a job.  She pays her own rent and slowed down the shopping!  Jeana might be an emotional eater, but damnit, she raised that girl right!  Wait a minute, did I know that she got a boob job?  Or are these new?

Back in Rome, Vicki is acting like the Italians are fucked up cuz she’s blond and should be going out of their way to understand her and her English speaking self.  Her words, not mine!  Sorry babe, you are in their country.  Why the hell should they speak so that you can comprehend?  You have so much money, why didn’t you hire a translator to roll with you the whole time?  Idiots.  I know those people are going to be so glad for Vicki and nem to leave.

Simon and Tacky Tamra went out to dinner with Jim and Alexis.  The two of them are so in love while Simon and his mistake have 3 feet worth of air between them!  Tamra should not be airing their dirty, marital laundry.  That’s why he can’t stand her!

Tamra and Simon are meeting with someone about listing their home.  She couldn’t even spit out one tear.  She’s so full of shit.  If she were that attached to her home, then she woulda been handling business.  Get off your flat lazy ass and work…earn some money and pay your damn bills!  Hell, get a part-time job if you have to, but to act now like she’s so devastated?  Get outta here with that.

…Vine…in a minute

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Real Housewives of OC: S5 Episode 1

Yes, actually, I do realize that I’m about 5 weeks behind.  You’ve been here long enough to know what I always say…better late than never.  Shit, I’ve been going through Atlanta Housewives withdrawal and anger since the last season ended.  I believe I’m ready to move on and give the OC bitches my undivided attention.

If I have to hear Vicky talkin’ about her vagina love tank again this season, I’m not going to get far.

It’s funny that Lynne said it’s not about how much money you have…Of course she said that cuz she ain’t got no damn money!

Breanna, Michael and Vicky are on their way to sky diving!  White folk, why are ya’ll always tryna cheat death?  Michael can’t stand her ass.  I hate to say it, but he looks like he’s secretly hoping her parachute malfunctions!!  You notice Michael’s ass was on the ground watching?  He was not gonna fuck up his possible payday by jumping, too. 

Over to Jeana and Colton.  How in the hell did Jeana burn out a clutch in one flippin outing?  Broke people need to drive better!  I’m not being funny; she’s even saying herself that her income has decreased by 2/3!  That is a whole lotta damn money!  She better stop eating $200 lunches at the St. Regis and learn to fucking cook like everybody else on a budget!

Tacky Tamra is such a piece of trash!  Why are you allowing your homeboy to say tea bag in the middle of a child’s party?  Simon can’t stand that broad.  I don’t know what happened, but I KNOW he ain’t fillin up her love tank these days with his pump!

Greedy Gretchen still looks good in spite of everyone talking shit about her over the past year!  I really don’t like Slade and Gretchen together, but I also don’t think she truly cares about that man!  Gretchen is still grieving Jeff’s loss.  She just wants someone there to comfort her, snuggle with her and spend time with her.  When she gets out of that place, she won’t give a damn about Slade’s non-child support paying, broke ass!  Watch! 

Over to Lynne in her rented by Bravo home.  How are you trying to have your accessories carried in a store that you can’t even pronounce?  That is a pet peeve of mine.  It’s Fred Segal, not SegalS.  It’s Nordstom, not NordstromS.  It’s Tiffany & Co., not TiffanyS!  Learn it…use it, Lynne.

Here goes Vicky bitching at Donn as if he’s the hired help!  You know why Vicky is so mad at bitches like Gretchen and the new girl?  Cuz she resents being the breadwinner in her home.  Well guess what honey?  YOU were part of the decision made that Donn would be in the home doing his thing while you were building an empire.  Don’t complain now.  And speaking of Bravo paying for shit for the housewives, can they PLEASE buy Vicky’s ass a face lift?  I’m not tryna be mean, I’m serious.  She has a decent figure for an almost 50-year-old woman, her business is on point, but that sun damage combined with aging is catching up to her!  She needs some work done.  At least some Patricia Wexler products.

Vicky and Tacky Tam are together having drinks, natch!  Damn right Simon is controlling.  He’s probably looking at Tacky Tam like she’s the one who caused all this shit!  If she weren’t tryna keep up with the Joneses, they’d still have some money. 

Vicky said that Jeana asked her for some money and she said no.  I’m on the fence about that.  I feel Vicky; money and friendship, especially that kind of money, don’t typically mix.  On the other hand, Vicky and Jeana have been bffs for quite some time.  How could she turn her back on Jeana in her time of need?  Maybe not all the money, but damn, at least some.  I would never turn my back on Hollywood like that and she wouldn’t do that to me either, period!!

Maybe if Tacky Tamra would spend more time worrying about her own on the rocks marriage instead of Gretchen’s love affairs, then her husband wouldn’t hate the sight of her ass!  She is a bitch!!  Now she done latched onto Lynne cuz Lynne is doing something with herself.  Tamra should fuck with Slade; they are both opportunistic wannabes!

This is why we love Gretchen!  She stood tall and owned up to her bullshit that came out during the off-season.  Yeah, she was in a fucked up place.  Who wouldn’t be after they lost their fiance?  I’m sure she was fucked up day in and day out, hanging around with a bunch of party all the time losers!  But she dusted herself off and she’s still standing tall, just as blond and cute as she was last season!  Team Gretchen!

Why is Lynne so pressed to be accepted by this broad?  Fuck Tamra and her broke, jealous ass!  I wouldn’t be friends with anyone who talked about me like a dog the way that she did about Lynne and Gretchen.  I’m glad Gretchen told Lynne about herself!  Still, the million dolla question is how did Gretchen’s alleged boyfriend get Tamra’s number?  Hmmmm.

Lynne’s is doing all she can to ensure that her daughter, Alexa, ends up on a pole!  Why is your 17-year-old parading down a random street with a bikini on?  That shit ain’t cute.  Lynne better worry about raising them daughters better before she tries to launch an international accessory line.

It is 2009.  Why does Lynne always look like the lead in some bad 80s porn? 

You see Simon told Tam to show some class!  Call me crazy, but I sincerely believe that he thinks her acting a fool last season had something to do with his business taking a nosedive!

Vicki is so ridiculous.  Lynne is supposed to be your acquaintance, at the least.  You couldn’t put on her jewelry for one damn night?  She’s just rude.  Gretchen has on a plum-colored slip and still puts these heffas to shame.  THAT is why they hate her ass.  Nothing more, nothing less.  Poor Jeana, all she wants to do is eat her way through the tension.  Tamra, if you’re tired of Gretchen looking like the good girl, then stop acting like you grew up in East St. Louis where she’s concerned!  Leave that woman alone.  You keep talking shit about her and she ignores you.  That’s why she looks good to the public. 

Tamra is a bold faced liar!  Straight up.  I can’t even deal with this little confrontation anymore.  I’m over this bitch talking down to Gretchen as if she’s so much better!  Vicki has some nerve saying that Gretchen was mean after all the bullshit that just came out of Tam’s mouth!  Tamra, if Gretchen preyed on old men, they why is she with Slade right now?  Bitches like that don’t give a damn…they stick to what works for them and their bank account!  JEALOUSY!

If ya’ll can remember back this far, what did you think of the season premiere?  It’s gonna be a good season, I knowz it.

…Vine…in a minute

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Real Housewivees of OC Confess: Reunion Special

Let us start off by sayin we plan to eat Tamra Barney’s ass UP throughout this post.  So, if you like this bitch, this ain’t for you!

Can they please stop letting Andy “Boring as Fuck” Cohen host this shit?  Damn.  Ya’ll don’t know how much this fucking show pissed us off.

Aight, Jeana looks like she had something done on her face.  We’re guessing botox because the neck is still a bit wrinkled.  She looks good!  It worked for her. 

Um, was it just Hollywood & Vine or could you cut the tension between Jeana and Tamra/Vicki with a fuckin knife?  They ain’t tight no more, you can tell!  We hope not cuz Jeana is far too good of a person to be hangin with those fucking bitches!

Ya’ll been coming to H&V askin if Kara got her boobs done.  Now you know that she did and you can stop askin us.   

We don’t give a damn what anyone says.  Tamra Barney got work done.  The bitch had cheek implants.  Re-watch the shit!!  The funny thing is, the bitch looks worse than before.  She made herself look older!  With that nappy weave! 

Greedy Gretchen was fierce, period!  Bitch was bad!  Not only that, but she handled that messy, jealous bitch Tamra like the diva she is!  Where does Tacky Tamra get her fucking nerve!  God, this woman needs some serious, serious help.  We ain’t playin!  She has severe issues in her life if she’s spending this much goddamn time worried about Greedy Gretchen and who she might be fuckin!  What the fuck is wrong with this bitch?  She has two little kids, a gay older son and a husband who wants to fuck Jeana’s young daughter.  You would THINK this heffa has more shit to do than worry about Gretchen’s life THIS MUCH! 

Vicki is officially a lost cause!  You know why Vicki is so tight with Tacky Tamra’s ass?  Because she likes to be around a muthafucka who SHE THINKS is beneath her…doing worse than her.  Jeana finally put that overcooked muthafucka out and is moving on dating and shit.  Vicki preferred Jeana when she was taking bullshit and sittin at home depressed and miserable.  Transparent as hell!

We like Lynne just a little bit more after how she fucked up Tamra and Vicki.  That shit was fucking hilarious, tellin them bitches that they ain’t rocket scientists or the brightest bulbs!  Good for her.  You know, that shit got really old, them trashin Lynne like that as if their shit don’t stink!  Vicki needs to worry about her failing marriage instead of whether or not Lynne is a pot head.  Again we ask, what the fuck is wrong with these bitches.   Vicki needs to be more concerned with her empty fucking “love tank”! 

Wait a minute, did Vicki have the nerve to say that she has a nice figure?  Okay, just checkin.  So not only is she a bitch, jealous, messy and miserable, but she’s delusional, too! 

Ultimately, H&V were totally disgusted by Vicki and Tamra, especially!  Their behavior was some of the most evil shit we’ve seen, for real!  Straight up devils!  We were watching in shock that these hoes had the nerve to go out of the way to make Gretchen look bad and ruin her reputation.  They got off on the shit.  Tamra made herself look like the nasty bitch we always knew she was.  Gretchen keeping her cool just magnified Tacky Tamra’s fucked up ass attitude.  She’s better than H&V cuz we woulda had Jeana, Lynne and Andy holdin us back off that bitch!

What we wanna know is how Tamra’s life was effected by Gretchen allegedly being paid to take care of Jeff vs. being his fiancee?  How did that hurt her?  For real, someone tell us how that shit was any of her business? 

Also, Vicki and her self-righteous fat ass!  She acted like her kids were angels.  News flash crazy bitch, Michael and that trash stayin with ya’ll for the summer most definitely fucked in your house!  Michael definitely drank in your house before he was 21 years old!  Michael and Brianna have talked more shit about you on camera than Shane ever has (on camera) about Jeana!  So, take your fucking nose out the air and stop acting like you are this perfect, holier than thou person cuz you’re far from it!

We mighta missed some shit, but we know our readers will mention what we forgot!

What did ya’ll think of this shit?

Don’t forget to follow H&V on Twitter (hollywoodNvine).

In a minute…

Real Housewives of OC: Season 4 Finale

Aight, this shit better be good because this is almost the last time Hollywood & Vine get to see our girls this year!

So Jeana is prepping for her birthday date with Allen, a red-faced hillbilly from Texas.  Jeana said “as you get older, you realize there’s more to life than physical attraction” just in case ya’ll though H&V were being harsh.  We were nice compared to that.  He took her to the St. Regis for dinner.  So he must have some of that Texas hillbilly money!  Dude is just hella unattractive.  Damn we can’t wait for Jeana to decide to lose that fuckin weight because she’s such a nice lookin broad.  Movin on cuz these two muthafuckas is boring as shit!

On to Wooooo Hoooooo VickiBrianna’s big ass came by to visit her at work (nice plug for Coto Insurance).  Evidently, the big ole big ole is thinking about entering the Army’s nursing program.  Vicki is mad as fuck about this shit!  What gets H&V is that muthafuckas like Vicki are so pro-war, yet she don’t want her own child over there in the middle of that bullshit!  Hypocrite…but we digress!  AHA!!!  Now we know why Brianna has gotten big as a house.  Colby left her.  Damn, this fuckin asshole was wrong for that shit.  While packin up the car for a road trip he said I can’t go anymore; I don’t love you!!?  What the fuck?  She should whooped Colby’s fuckin ass for that shit!  We almost feel bad for callin her fat.  ALMOST!

Over to Lynne’s two loose daughters in the making.  Raquel is pissed that mommy wants her lazy ass to get a job.  This little bitch works our last nerve!  She has been outta high school for almost two years and still ain’t done shit with herself?  That, ladies and gentleman, is what H&V call a loser!  Lynne had the nerve to say raising teenage girls is so difficult.  Um, correct us if we’re wrong, but she ain’t raised them.  That’s why these bitches are fuckin and drinkin, but don’t have gas money!

The ladies decided to have their end of the summer bash somewhere in Laguna.  Greedy Gretchen said that Jeff is back in the hospital and the doc wouldn’t let him out for the party!  Uhhhh, no shit!  Jeana brought Allen and her implants to the party!  She looked great, minus the back fat!  Even Jo and Slade’s asses were there.  Recipe for disaster.

Simon surprised Tacky Tamra with an expensive diamond tennis bracelet that he probably got for free in exchange for sayin the company’s name on tv.  We still ain’t figured out how this bitch’s wrists are so damn wrinkled!  She’s not that fuckin old.

Ya’ll remember Tammy Knickerbocker?  Well she showed up with her two daughters and her man.  It was nice to see her.  Vicki announced to Tammy and Michael that she bought herself a new Rolex, but in the next breath said she didn’t want to tell everyone.  She’d rather be “classy”and under the radar until people noticed her shit on their own!  First of all, why does this bitch go out of her way to belittle her husband?  Donn’s gonna fuck around and leave her ass one day, bet!  Secondly, it never fails that a muthafucka is in trouble when they say the word “classy”.  H&V been tryna tell ya.

Meanwhile, Greedy Gretchen calls all the housewives, even Lauri, over for a huddle.  She presented them with a gift, if you wanna call it that.  She gave the other OC bitches Coach coin purses!  COACH?  These hoes are walkin round with Rolexes and 30-40k wedding rings and Greedy Gretchen fuckin gives them COACH?  Who over the age of 18 still carries a Coach bag?  Now, Vicki had to be a bitch about that, too!  We ain’t bring no gift.  We ain’t get the gift memo.  Bitch, just say thank you and re-gift that shit to your fat daughter!  It’s not a big deal.  Vicki always has some shit to say.  Tacky Tamra, too.  Steady thinkin someone is tryna kiss her ass!  Bitch, nobody gives a fuck about you that much!  We wish Greedy Gretchen would cuss her ass out!  We’ll likely get our wish on the reunion special.

Speakin of Gretchen, her dad read a letter to her from Jeff.  It basically thanked her for standing by his side and that he got her something to put a smile on her face.  The whole Greedy clan walked outside of the party and what was waitin for her ass….a brand new $23,000 Harley Davidson!  Tacky Tamra is so fuckin full of herself.  She thinks that Gretchen copied her!  She is so jealous of Gretchen!  Vicki ain’t much better.  She said to her seemingly gay friend who would want a Harley at our age?  Dude said ya’ll ain’t the same age; she’s 20 years younger.  Vicki was like 10 years younger, she is NOT 20 years younger than me!  Vicki, get a grip.  You ain’t been 40 in damn near a decade.  Boyfriend got it right the first time!  If these bitches spent more time on their heartbroken fat and gay kids or their husbands instead of on Greedy Gretchen, we bet their lives would improve 100%!

Jo makes an entrance with a new hair cut.  Hollywood is feelin’ it, but Vine ain’t.  Tacky Tamra has the balls to say Slade looks like a homo… with her gay ass son runnin round the party still frontin like he likes bitches! 

At the end of the show they gave us updates on everyone.  Everything was fairly predictable, but it still got us when Jeana told about Jeff’s passing.  Even though we already knew, it’s just really sad. 

The reunion will be on next week.  We don’t know too much yet, but H&V think that Tacky Tamra had some work done on her face! 

Overall, we thought it was a great season.  What did ya’ll think?

Stick with Hollywood & Vine for a season full of the New York bitches! 

In a minute…

Real Housewives of OC: 2.3.09

Better late than never bitches!!!  Here we are.

Tacky Tamra took her mama and her mama’s new face out for a spin.  They probably shoulda stayed in the house!  She decided to sign Old Mother Hubbard up for an online dating site (because that shit works like a charm).  H&V feel like a shower after listening to this bitch talk to her mother about what turns her on.  Fucking TMI.

Vicki and Brianna went shopping at a store that sells scrubs and other nursing wear…i.e. shit that cover Brianna’s fat.  WHAT has this broad been eating?  She looks like she’s pregnant with triplets.  Then they go straight into showin Jeana’s daughter Kara in a skin tight blue mini dress and knee boots!  Kick Brianna’s fat ass while she’s down why don’t you, Bravo! 

We get to meet Jeana’s parents and her baby sister, Janis.  She and Colton went to visit them in Milwaukee.  Seems like Jeana’s family is pretty normal, just like her.  We ain’t surprised!

Lynne sips martinis with her mom.  She told her mama a bold face ass lie!  She said that she “found out” Raquel had been drinking at the party!  Shit, the bitch was walkin all around the party with a fucking cosmo in her hand.  Now Lynne wants to play like she was sneakin.  She knows her ass is fucking wrong for lettin her underage kid drink out in the open.  THAT is why she lied to her damn mama.  Mama told her straight up, take away her shit.  They have too much.  Ya’ll muthafuckas done enabled this little snotty bitch!  Wake up.

Jeff is home from the hospital.  All his kids flew in to be there with him, partly to see him and the other part because Greedy Gretchen had “already committed to a girls’ weekend” in Vegas.  Lord have mercy on his soul.  He looked so frail.  We are juuuuust about ready to turn on Greedy Gretchen, but we’re trying to stay nice.  Trying!

Vicki and Donn showed us their lack of love and affection.  That’s something we all should shoot for…a loveless marriage.  We don’t even watch in HD and Vicki looks bad.  Damnit Brianna might as well inhale those fucking tacos all at once.  No wonder she looks like two tons of fun!

The broads hit Vegas and stayed at the Red Rock!  Why the fuck are they staying so far off the damn strip!  That was a wasted trip to fucking Vegas if you ask us!

Lynne toasted to a truce.  Then Vicki co-signed talkin about she’s all for puttin the past behind her.  She’s a damn lie!  Vicki is one of the main ones keepin shit going.  We hollered when Greedy Gretchen gave the “hottie whistle” to Tamra.  Gretchen knows good and fuck well that she looks better than Tamra.  That’s why she rubs the shit in every chance she gets. 

Jeana told Lynne that the two of them were pass the hottie whistle age and Jeana wasn’t lyin.  Lynne talkin about speak for yourself, Jeana.  Shit, Jeana was right in spite of what your ass thinks.  It’s time to wrap up the MILF shit that white women aspire to be and fucking live in reality.  You’re old.  Be thankful because the alternative is worse!

Did anyone else notice that Lynne could fit two decks of cards between her rack?  God her boob job looks like hell. 

Vicki actually believes that Greedy Gretchen stole her favorite cocktail.  Give us a fucking break bitch!  It’s a drink.  It’s not like the bitch stole your money or your husband.  Who gives a fuck that she likes the same damn drink?  Dumb asses.  These broads need some shit to bitch about.

All these bitches think Greedy Gretchen is a dumb ass blond, but she’s one of the smartest bitches in the group next to Jeana.  Lynne is the remedial one!  Vicki had the nerve to say her ass is calm all the time.  Like fuck she is.  Vicki’s ass needs a sedative she’s so wound the hell up all the damn time.

So the housewives went to a club.  First of all, you know a muthafucka is old when they say “night club”!  So Lynne, you are, in fact, old and have zero rhythm to top the shit off.  What the hell song was she wigglin to?  She even messed up the damn saying.  This old bitch said “What stays in Vegas stays in Vegas”???  UH, she doesn’t even deserve to be corrected. 

It looks like next week Lynne and Frank on going to be freaky at sea.  Tamra goes to visit her daddy to see if he still loves her.  Just a tip Tacky Tamra…when you go visit your estranged father, don’t wear a top that older people think is slutty.  Who goes to visit their dad with their titties all out like that?  Oh, Tacky Tamra does.  Jeana and Kara take a road trip.

In a minute…

Real Housewives of OC: 1.27.09 Recap

This week Vicki starts off the show by taking Jeana to her hometown…Chicago.  She was all chummy with Tamra, but you see Jeana is still her real BFF.  Hollywood & Vine are shocked that Vicki has 4 friends in the first place. 

Back in Orange County, Tamra took her haggard ass mama to get a face lift.  Why won’t these women just take care of themselves and age gracefully?  And what the fuck is Tamra wearing?  She has looked a mess all damn season, with those obvious tracks!  But back to saggy face SandyTamra was crying before mama Sandra went into surgery.  Why?  Because she knew good and fuck well that surgery is dangerous!  She had the nerve to call it “minor” surgery.  Is she insane?  Bitch, they’re about to cut your mother’s face open and shit.  If that ain’t major surgery, then nothing is!

Oh Lord, Lynne!  She is so damn annoying.  Why does she continue to pamper these bitches?  They are as undeserving as it comes, especially Raquel.  So, Alexa and Lynne head to someone’s backyard to act like they know how to play tennis.  During their mother/daughter bonding, Alexa used the word “dykes”!  Now, H&V aren’t against name calling, obviously, but we ain’t 15 standin in front of our mamas either.  How did Lynne let her child say some offensive shit like dyke and not check her ass?  Again, wouldn’t happen with a black mama.  You can’t even say shut up in a black household without catchin hell.  This was the same piece of trash a few weeks ago whining because her little boyfriend told her she looked like a stripper in her mom’s too short/too tight ass dress!  Guess it only took a minute for her to forget how she felt when someone called her a name.

Greedy Gretchen is in San Diego checking out Lava Sport & Fitness as a possible investment for her and Jeff.  We had to laugh for a second when she said that, as if her ass is putting in any of the investment money.  At least she’s somewhat taking Vicki’s advice about covering her own financial ass in the event that Jeff passes away, which unfortunately he did.

Kimberly Bryant, one of the original OC Housewives, now lives in Chicago.  She joined Jeana, Vicki and Vicki’s people for dinner.  Did this gathering not have some crazy shit going on?  Vicki keeps kissing her homegirls from the Chi calling them her peopleKimberly said that she wouldn’t have a problem letting her kids fuck under her roof.  She said sex is a wonderful thing, then asked Vicki why she would want to keep her kids from experiencing that.  Vicki let her know that basically, them muthafuckas ain’t married so they ain’t fuckin in her house, period!  Well, Vicki accidentally let the cat out of the bag that Jeana let her kids fuck in the house at 16 and when we say accidentally, we mean purposely!  Ya’ll know Vicki is somewhat jealous of Jeana.  She takes any opportunity she gets to belittle Jeana to make herself seem better!  Bitch!  It was clear that Jeana asked that they not discuss this topic on camera prior to filming, but Vicki went there anyway.  That’s real fucked up.  Whether we agree with parents letting their kids fuck in the house at 16 ain’t the point.  The point is that Jeana is her girl.  Why would she put her business in the street like that when she asked you not to?  Vicki is a cunt!  Yeah, we said it…cunt!

What’s with Vicki kissing her friends husband on the fucking lips?  That shit isn’t cool.  H&V are tight, but ain’t neither of us rubbin on the others husband or kissing him on the lips or any fucking where else.  Fucking disgusting.  Jeana was right, that shit was inappropriate.  Again, props to Jeana for remaining the loyal, good friend for telling Vicki ON SITE that she shit was raggedy!

Back to Tacky Tamra.  Her brother brought over old family photos and she reminisced about her childhood.  She decided to go to Iowa to visit her dad.  Hopefully it’s coming this episode so we can see this shit [it didn’t].  Maybe mending her relationship with her dad will make her less of a classless bitch??!

Jeana and Vicki hit the road for Shane’s game.  This bitch ass piece of shit text Jeana telling her to stay the fuck away from the field.  Once they got to the field, he walked passed her as she called out to him and told him the same thing!  This is why you don’t fucking put your kids in the position to see another muthafucka treatin you any kind of way.  Because your kids will turn around and treat you that way or treat another person that way.  Jeana is prime example.  She done let that head injury, alcoholic, overcooked asshole talk down to her so long that now both of her boys do the same.  These two little dick punks really pissed H&V off!  Shane threatened to never speak to Jeana again.  Cool.  See how hard life is without your mom’s millions taking care of your volatile ass.  This fool plays minor league baseball and he ain’t hardly near the top of the list of minor league talent.  You ain’t making enough money to sustain the lifestyle you’re living.  You need mommy and her wallet bitch!  Don’t ever get it twisted.  UGH, these ungrateful fucking kids work our last nerves!

Back at Lynne’s, she announces to the camera that she’s invited all the “houseWIFES” over for a cocktail party.  Damn this broad is dumb as shit.  H&V are sick and fucking tired of seeing this woman’s GUT!  Either this bitch needs to put on a baby doll top or she needs to stop wearing fucking skin tight ass clothes.  LYNNE, YOU ARE 100 YEARS OLD!  YOU ARE NO LONGER YOUNG! 

In walks Raquel and her fat friends to get some cocktails.  For some reason, Lynne thinks that all teenagers drink.  No, all teenagers don’t drink.  It’s just your fucked up lush of a teenager.  She should have been embarrassed to host that cocktail party and have her teenage daughter and her teenage friends mingling with grown folks sipping on cosmopolitans.  On top of that, she knew the shit would be aired on national tv.  Did they not think about the muthafuckas who work with Frank and what they might think?  Why did Tamra and Simon stay there?  He’s an investor in a tequila company.  Didn’t he stop to think how bad he might look once this shit aired?  People don’t damn think!  What the fuck is wrong with them?  Raquel will be in rehab by 21.  H&V said it first. 

Furthermore, how do you have a kid who has been out of high school almost two years who has no job, yet you buy her a brand fucking new BMW?  THEN you send her ass to Vegas with friends?  We could really scream at Lynne and Frank.  They are fucking fools!

Now on another note, did ya’ll notice that Raquel’s black girlfriend was the only one in the group without a drink?  Yeah, because she knew her mama would whoop her ass when this shit aired.  She knows whoopins don’t expire!

Did anyone see Brian (we think that’s his name), the personal chef who was on Top Chef a few seasons ago?  Nice to see him still getting paid!

Next week the bitches are hittin Vegas.  Looks like Lynne will give us plenty of off beat dancing and jumping around on the dance floor while Tamra won’t disappoint by constantly talking shit about Greedy Gretchen.  All we wanna know is why they stayed at the Red Rock?  The shit is like a $40.00 cab right OFF the strip!

In a minute…

Real Housewives of OC: 1.20.09 Wrap-up

Hollywood & Vine had to put all this Inauguration shit on hold while we watch tonight’s episode.  We do have priorities you know!

The show starts off not really telling us shit about whether or not Greedy Gretchen and Tamra’s “straight” son hooked up!  Bravo is going to drag this shit out or half the show.  Aight, we’ll play along.

Meanwhile, Jeana’s  in Matt “you’re just really overcooked” Keough’s closet because he asked her to send him some of his things.  Damnit, Jeana is such a nice woman because H&V woulda been sold his shit! 

Her trainer stopped by the house for coffee because we know good and hell well Jeana ain’t about to work out!  We love her to death, but she ain’t workin out!  What she needs to do is stop paying John to counsel her and tell her what to eat.  She should spend a week with H&V instead!  We could do the same thing for free and at least she’d have fun.  That trainer is boring as shit!

Okay, hold on a minute.  Did anyone see those floatation devices under Tamra’s top that she calls implants?  She had the fucking nerve to say that Gretchen needs to grow up and stop being jealous of her.  Um, bitch, Hollywood & Vine have watched this whole crazy ass season and the one who needs to grow the fuck up if your ass!  Furthermore, Gretchen was not jealous of these bitches huddled in a circle talking about how old their fake tits are!  Gretchen already looks good just how she is.  You think she wouldn’t have bought herself some tits already if she wanted them?  Come on now!  Every white girl in Orange County doesn’t want implants honey!

Tamra’s dumb ass said Ryan was trying to “take off where he left off with Gretchen!  We can’t help but laugh at this bitch.  It’s ‘pick up where you left off’ dumb ass bitch! 

Those other bitches at the pool party were so fucking mad at Gretchen!  They’re paying more attention to her than their so called kids and husbands. 

For all of the loyal H&V readers out there, you’ll recall us saying a week or so ago that karma was a bitch and Vicki [and Tamra] were going to get some of their own, right?  Ya’ll remember last week when Vicki was trying to embarrass Gretchen at the dinner party by helping her lose control?

Okay, fast forward to Vicki’s backyard for a networking group’s Coto Chapter that she started.  They meet weekly to talk about how to make more money, basically.  We guess they were honoring Vicki with an award for founding the chapter and instead of saying thank you or pretending to be humble, this bitch points her fingers to her brain and brags “You know what?  Think it, build it and they will come.  Look at this”!  At the very moment when some were laughing because she’s so arrogant and the others were slightly clapping because nobody really knows what to do when someone starts bragging in front of you about how fucking brilliant they are……VICKI FALLS FLAT ON HER FACE!

EVERYONE started laughing out loud!  EVERYONE!  She broke the award and Don even said “she ate it”!  This shit is hilarious.  Then Jeana says….“ooooh there’s a step there”!  Then her old smart ass fucking son came over telling her she should be more graceful.  He wouldn’t say shit like that to a black mama because a black mama woulda slapped his ass into next week!  Bitch ass Michael.  We just don’t like him!

It turns out that Lynne actually worked for one whole year!  Wow, she’s ready for retirement now.  H&V will give credit where credit is due.  Frank was diagnosed with cancer and probably couldn’t (or didn’t want to) work.  So, Lynne started selling bedazzled jewelry in order to make some money!  Way to turn cut and paste boredom into a collection called Cuff Love!  We don’t know where you can buy the shit, but it retails for $225.00-$375.00!  She’s trying to get her handmade (bedazzled) jewelry picked up by boutiques and high end department stores.  Now her younger daughter, Alexa, wants a piece of the action.  Like most parents, Lynne thinks her daughter is creative and talented!  Ya’ll can buy the shit if you want to, but H&V wouldn’t wear jewelry designed by someone who thinks wearing a stripper’s dress is “classy”.

Greedy Gretchen was in a tizzy at lunch with Jeana because one of Jeff’s five ex-wives showed up at the hospital to sit by his side for a week.  Turns out Jeff’s kids don’t worship Gretchen as much as she wanted the world to believe.  His son, Jake, told mommy dearest that Jeff was always alone!  Gretchen acted like she was way off base.  We weren’t there, but damnit something ain’t right. 

Then Gretchen goes on to say that it’s hard to get to know Jeana because she only lets people know what’s good about her!!  Gretchen, boo, what the fuck are you talking about?  Jeana is pretty much an open book!  We all know that she’s depressed half the time, she’s fat, until Matt moved out, she still didn’t have privacy or control of her own damn house!!  I mean, who the fuck wants strangers to know that shit about them?  Maybe she just doesn’t like to open up to your ass, girlfriend! 

Aww shit, Lynne done started with Vicki.  They told her “classy” ass that Vicki will fuck with you when she’s ready.  We’re going to give this one to VickiLynne is so out of touch with how hard administrative assistants work that she still fucking calls them secretaries!  Dumb ass.  Ya’ll see she didn’t flip Vicki off  to her face.  She would have been eating the chemically injected finger had she put it in Vicki’s face.  We just sayin’…

Anyway, they’re on their way to Fred Segal for some shopping.  They’re putting together scents to represent their personalities.  Vicki said that she’s “strong and determining”!  She told the scent lady that she is a businesswoman who knows what she wants and usually gets it.  Well why doesn’t she want a new hair style and go out of her way to get that!

Speaking of Vicki, she was actually trying to help Greedy Gretchen out during their chat at lunch.  Jeana, too, as a matter of fact.  They both told her ‘bitch, your full time job is taking care of that man.  you best to have him sign something or else you’re fucked if/when he dies’.  Say what you want about Vicki and yes, she’s not our girl anymore either, BUT she and Jeana were right.  Gretchen knew it too, which is why she asked them what the fuck she should do.  Here goes Ms. Obsessed with youth but ain’t been young in 2 decades, Lynne, saying that she was “taken back” by Vicki and Jeana being all about the money.  First of all you no-money-havin’-stay-at-home-and-wait-for-my-husband-to-leave-me-broke wife, IT’S TAKEN ABACK dumb ass!  Second of all, take those stiff bracelets out of your ass and realize that everyone’s fucking situation ain’t like yours.  Gretchen had every right to at least ask Jeff to take care of her when he passed.  He ain’t have to take her up on it, but she had the right to ask since even by his own admission, she takes great care of him all the time!  These bitches make us shake our heads weekly.  At this point, bring back the NY Housewives!!  At least those pretentious ass broads understand how shit works!  It’s really easy for Lynne to talk about money isn’t everything because her rich ass husband designated her as the primary beneficiary on all his shit!  Vicki wasn’t taking offense about her husband; she was just trying to explain to Lynne’s simple minded ass the realities of Gretchen’s life and Jeff’s impending death!  Yes, H&V said impending!  Lynne really sounds like the stereotypical white woman in Orange County.  “Look at her.  She’ll be fine.”  You know what, that attitude is no better than being all about the money!  That’s basically what Lynne is saying…‘If Jeff dies, she’s beautiful and will be able to find another muthafucka to take care of her’!

Our last bit of advice is to Lynne, surprise surprise.  If you’re going to have people at your home trying to impress them to the point of getting your jewelry into their store, Hollywood & Vine suggest you know the ACTUAL name of the store.  It’s Fred Segal…period!  It’s not Fred Segal’s!  And while we’re at it, it’s not Tiffanys or Nordstroms!  Folks breakin their necks to buy shit from these stores and don’t even know the real fucking names!

It looks like next week Shane is going to have his tighty whities in a bunch because Jeana and Vicki came down onto the field after his game.  He had the balls to cuss at Jeana and then tell her she’s lucky he didn’t throw a bat at her when she came down there!  First of all, his injury prone ass better be glad he’s even on a team, let alone a field.  Second of all, Jeana should take a baseball and hit him upside his virgin ass head for talking to her like that.  They need NeNe to come stay with them for a week.  Half this shit wouldn’t even take place with a black OC Housewife.

In a minute…

Real Housewives of OC: 1.13.09 Wrap-Up

Better late than never people!  Damn, we are only two people…we can’t watch all this shit on tivo fast enough.

Tamra should have been known the shit that etiquette lady tried to teach her.  She is the perfect example of money can’t buy you class!

Lynne better be glad that Frank married her before she started fucking with all that damn plastic surgery!  She looks a hot ass mess.  And that gut!  She can’t afford spanx?  They had 2 bottles of wine missing, but don’t think either of their trashy ass daughters stole the shit?  What planet are these two dumb ass fools from?  Of course they stole the wine AND drank it.  Raquel was probably the fucking ringleader with her out of control ass!  Did ya’ll see her roundin up the group to head to the bathroom at the bowling alley?  Lynne and Frank better open their fucking eyes because their daughters are on a road to nowhere!

Greedy Gretchen and Jeff’s daughters were saying their goodbyes.  It appears that the kids being in town lifted Jeff’s spirits.  Hollywood & Vine were truly hoping that Jeff pulled through once again, but we found out that he passed away in September.  Evidently, it was right after they finished filming.  So sad, but we hope he’s no longer in pain and in a better place!

Vicki’s brother’s cook out looked like a modern day episode of the Beverly Hillbillies.  No wonder Vicki smothers her damn kids…her own mama can’t stand her ass!  She needs to be smotherin her husband…with her breasts before he leaves her crazy ass!

Is it clear to anyone else why Simon married Tamra?  He won’t even let this cow plan a dinner party for 10 muthafuckas without putting in his two cents.  We think Simon really wanted to tell her to go upstairs and wait for him naked while he worked out the details from with dude from Top Chef!  Arm piece honey, that’s all!

At least now we know that Greedy Gretchen doesn’t just leave Jeff’s side to kick it and get drunk.  She leaves him to do Yoga, too.  Shit, bitch gotta keep her body tight.  Way to keep your priorities straight girl!  Seriously though, H&V don’t know how Gretchen was able to keep it together during all of this.

Lynne had a chat with Raquel about her not drinking and driving.  If she knows that her 18 year old drinks, why the fuck would you buy her ass a damn car?  These fucking stupid ass parents creating monsters!  Maybe her ass should have been a Girl Scout.  She might have had some structure and discipline.  Lynne and Frank might as well move out of that house because Raquel and Alexa run that shit!

Meanwhile back at Tacky Tamra’s house prepping for her dinner party, this bitch is fucking up the floor with that Swiffer!  She has probably never used that shit before, but we digress.  Tamra’s son Ryan pretended that he found Gretchen attractive.  H&V wonder how long he’s going to keep up this charade. 

Simon is as tacky as his wife, calling that woman Greedy Gretchen at the dinner table!  Now we REALLY see why those two married each other.  Why the fuck are they so concerned with Gretchen, Jeff and Jeff’s money?  As long as she ain’t fucking Simon or asking the Barneys for money, they need to leave that girl alone!

Tamra is full of fucking shit, lying about how she thinks of all the ladies as family.  Bitch just did an interview for an OC publication talking about how she’s not here to be friends with Gretchen…that it’s a business relationship!  Keep the shit real.  We can’t stand her ass! 

Straight up, Vicki and Tamra need to get muthafuckin’ lives!  These are two grown ass women, especially Vicki with her middle-aged ass, and they’re plotting on Gretchen like they’re on the fucking playground.  This shit is really pissing us off.  What the fuck is wrong with these women?  So fucking what if Gretchen has a dark side?  Who the fuck does Tamra think she is that she needs to expose it?  We are tellin ya’ll, Tamra is mad because Gretchen looks better than her!  Even Tamra’s gay son said that Gretchen was hotter.

Thank you Lynne and Jeana for trying to be a friend to Gretchen! 

Gretchen said that she hasn’t gotten any in 8 months, but a few weeks ago she bragged about how she and Jeff fuck in the hospital.  Which one is it?  Gretchen, don’t start working our nerves.  Right now we like you, but get your stories straight.

Tamra is a conniving ass broad!  She should have sent Greedy Gretchen home with Frank and Lynne.  She kept her there to help mess up that girl’s life.  That shit will most definitely come back around on Tamra.

It appears next week Gretchen tells Ryan that he turns her on.  Boo, you were drunk as a 4 skunks…anything would have turned you on that night!  To be continued…

What did ya’ll think of the show?

In a minute…

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