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Posts tagged ‘Real Housewives of New Jersey’

Real Housewives of New Jersey: Episode 3 Recap

Teresa’s up first!  She’s driving Gia to Wilhelmina in Manhattan.  She didn’t get the role for The Rock movie (shocker), so stage mom Teresa is on a mission!  Wilhelmina didn’t like Gia’s current comp card – too pageantY.  Teresa had the nerve to bitch about paying $800.00 for shitty comp cards, yet she dropped the price of a home in Kansas on new fucking furniture?  Priorities lady!

Dina is hangin with her brother who’s a celebrity chef, designer, stylist, you name it.  He’s just a Jane Jack of All Trades ain’t he.  He was too high strung for me.  I couldn’t even pay attention.  Oh gawd, now they’re back at her house with those nasty ass cats! 

She’s bitching and moaning about how successful she is.  Is Dina for real?  Yes, you have to be careful what you wish for.  She asked for this, she worked for this and now she wants to complain that she has it?  Get over youself honey!

Over at Jacque’s house, they just found out that Ashley didn’t pass her current grade.  She’s gotta be a Jr. or a Sr.  Now she has to go to summer school.  I think she’s a Senior!  You reaaaaally have to try hard to not pass any grade in high school.  I’m sorry, but you do!  What the fuck has she been doing and WHY are they just now finding out that her shit is so bad that she ain’t passing a grade?  SMH

Here’s Dirty Danielle!  She and her poor children are rock climbing.  She takes more pride in her body and pulling a 26 year old freak than she does in setting a good example for her two daughters!  I really have zero respect for this lazy ass broad!  Even her daughter can see that this youngster is an asshole tryna use her mother! 

Here’s my girl Caroline in the City.  She wants to take her daughter to the best school to learn more about cosmetology.  Artistic Academy it is, and it doesn’t hurt that mommy and daddy are friends with the owners.  Lauren better quit trippin and take her damn parents’ help!

TERESA IS OUT…OF…CONTROL!!!!  This bitch done packed up enough fucking luggage to flee the country.  She was only going to take some photos for a damn child’s comp card!  Gia doesn’t even want to be there!  I hate when parents push their dreams on their kids.  That’s why I love Caroline; she let’s em be themselves!  And Teresa better stop travelin around with all that money and Gucci on her ass!  Someone will take her, that Escalade and all her money and not think shit of it!  Keep on!

So let me get this straight, Dirty Danielle threw an elaborate botox party in her home, but was beggin’ last week for her divorce settlement!  If she weren’t so busy throwing her money away on botox parties and lip injections, maybe her ass wouldn’t need a damn captain save a ho! 

Why in God’s name are Teresa and Jacque getting botox and shit?  This is why bitches start to age before they need to!  I’m with Caroline; this shit is nuts!  Thank God black don’t crack!

Aight, Dina said she won’t fuck wit her face cuz her husband said he married her for her face.  A) what a great guy and B) that was fucked up to talk shit about the woman in her own damn house!  These two just don’t mix, plain and simple!  Dirty D claims that Dina does, in fact, get botox cuz she’s allegedly told everyone in town about it!  I could be wrong, but it doesn’t look like Dina has had botox.  Clearly she had her lips plumped up.  Not my cup of tea, but that’s totally different than fucking with her face (from a man’s POV).  All her husband knows is that his wife has DSL!  Nuff said!

Jacque heads over to Dirty D’s house for a barbecue.  Now Jacque knows better than to think Dina ain’t gonna be brought up.  Danielle is such a fucking child and to put Jacque in the middle of it with her kid there, Dina’s nephew, was wrong!  OMG DID SHE JUST CALL DINA CONDENSENDING LMFAO!  conDENSENDing!  Wheew baby, hilarious. 

Jacque claims that Dina dislikes her cuz she’s threatened by her and that she knows too much about her.  Which fucking one is it Joan Collins?  Is she threatened by you or is she afraid of you?  Contrary to what Danielle’s education as a gold digger has taught her, those are two totally different things!

Back at Casa de Caroline, Jacque’s stressed about Ashley.  Ash done played like she’s remorseful.  So step daddy Chris went out and bought her a brand new Jeep Cherokee!  THIS is why she doesn’t give a fuck about her parents!  Caroline is right…she doesn’t deserve the shit!  Even Albie said that Caroline whooped his ass when he fucked up.  Keep raising these punk ass do what they want no panty wearing daughters if you want to!

Dirty D went out on a triple date with Teresa, Jacque and their husbands and it’s a trainwreck!  Steve is mad and Chris looks bored!  OMG, did she just put their sex life on blast?  Damn this bitch is tacky as hell!  Why are telling your man’s friends that he ain’t fucked you in a week?  Nasty, desperate bitch!  He’s not returning your calls or texts because he’s just not that into you!  She’s almost 50 – surely she can read between the lines…unless her eyesight was the first to go!  It clearly ain’t her sex drive.

Back at Wilhelmina, Teresa brought new pictures!  I’m cringing for her.  It’s like she doesn’t even hear what the woman is telling her.  I get so irritated with parents who think their kids are perfect!

Teresa brought over her kids to Jacque’s for a play date.  Their plan was to just relax with the kids, then Dirty D called and pissed all over their parade.  Why even answer the phone for this crazy bitch?  Really Danielle?  You are almost 50 years old and you need two younger broads to make it okay for you to break up with a man?  This bitch needs therapy!  Teresa even said that Steve ain’t head over heels for Danielle’s ass.  He comes to her house for his daily blow jobs!  Uh huh, now the truth comes out! 

I mean, the bitch was tryna suck him up in the damn bathroom of a restaurant on their first date!.  This ain’t shocking!  And he has no money???  So she’s just a nasty bitch!  Pure-dee trash!

With Dirty D gone, Jacque and Teresa can have their time together.  According to Jacque, rumors are going around is that Dirty D was a husband stealer.  Teresa heard that she used to be a stripper.  Oh I believe it.  If I were Jacque, I’d take my family’s advice and leave that woman alone.  She is a bad news; let her go.  For real, people either lift you up or they bring you down.  No in between. 

What do ya’ll think about the Dirty Danielle dramatics?

…Vine…in a minute

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Real Housewives of New Jersey: Episode 2 Recap

Oh how I hope this gets better…starting now! 

Jacque starts off wit her daughter, Ashley.  Guess Ashley got her ass into trouble and has gotten off track in high school.  You see, I promised to say nothing bad about their kids, so I’ll bite my tongue!  It’s hard though!  Of course, Danielle thinks Jacque is parenting Ashley just fine and Caroline doesn’t!  All I’ll say is that certain parents shouldn’t be shocked when their daughter’s end up on a reality show fucking the entire cast, male and female, or hangin’ upside down from a stripper pole on youtube becuz of this new school bullshit parenting!

Over to Teresa.  You see, this is why men cheat.  No man wants to walk around matching with you and your three daughters, period!  I don’t give a damn how long you’ve been married or how hot he thinks you are, he does NOT want to walk out the house with matchin fits!  He’ll turn to another woman who’ll restore his manhood! 

Aight, Teresa clearly needs to put more effort into controlling those fucking bad ass little girls than she does their wardrobe and accessories!  Okay, now I’m done.

Over to Danielle and Jacque having lunch!  They’re dissecting Danielle’s failed attempt at being part of the Manzo crew.  Jacque actin like she’s some damn peace maker and tryna force everyone to get along. I hate that shit.  Everyone doesn’t have to like everyone.  Let grown people decide who the fuck they like and be done wit it!

Teresa is over at the “dream house” that they’ve been building for 3 years!  THREE YEARS to build a house?  I’ve seen entire developments go up faster than that.  Why the hell is it taking so long?  Sounds like a story there.  Teresa and that 80’s Dance Party USA perm is not a good look!  She is what people are talkin about when they say “she is sooo Jersey”.

Meanwhile, Jacque and crew are having a huge birthday bash for her kid CJ!  It looks like the county fair in their backyard.  Ashley’s bad ass took it upon herself to invite her friends over to kick it!  Jacque is tryna yell at her, but Ashley don’t give a fuck.  Danielle is standing behind Jacque hollerin’ at Ashley.  What’s wrong with this picture?  And why invite Danielle to a family affair when you know it’s gonna be dramatic?

Danielle approached Dina to try and make up.  Dina wasn’t feelin her one ounce, but Danielle lives so deep in her own world that she didn’t notice.  It was odd huggin’ all up on a woman like that.

Caroline in the City is preparing a deliciously fattening Italian meal for her family!  They seem to have a fun and very loving family.  I enjoy watching them.  I don’t know about feeding the dog with the same fork they’re using to eat, but I still enjoy them!

Teresa took her daughter, Gia, to take acting classes in preparation for her audition for The Rock movie.  Teresa’s talking about…never mind.  I won’t say that.  People just need to realize that everything ain’t for everyone!

Danielle is on the phone with her ex-husband.  She’s begging him for her divorce settlement.  Why isn’t she going after this fool in court?  Like you can force a man to give you money.  See, he just hung up on her flat ass!

Jacque is seeing a specialist tryna get pregnant and KEEP IT!  She had 4 miscarriages in a row.  Like I said, she was very pregnant on the View.  So don’t cry for her!

That skinless cat of Dina’s looks devilish.  All of her cats look evil if you ask me.  She’s interviewing her new assistant to prepare for an upcoming event she’s hosting, as well as in her personal life…because she’s so busy@@  Why is she hiring a toddler to do grown folks work? 

Aww shit, here we go!  Another fucking “runner”.  Danielle and her girls run everyday.  At least they do it in their own neighborhood, unlike another housewife in NY.  Anyway, she’s bitching about how she’s gonna lose her house, etc., if she doesn’t get her settlement soon!  She said that someone needs to “come in and save” her and her girls!  So is she incapable of saving her own fucking children and herself?  Why should anotha muthafucka save ya’ll?  Bitch, stop running in the middle of the street during the middle of the day with tattle and tale and your ass would have time to work!  Bitches like her give women a bad name!  YOU decided to have those two children so you should take care of them.  Sorry ya’ll, but I get a little Republican when it comes to people sitting on their ass beggin for money!

Anyway, this fake lipped flewsy has a date with a 26 year old!  I guess he has money.  She said young men are attracted to her cuz of her youthful looks.  These bitches are comical thinkin they look so much younger than they do!  Like I said on twitter the other day, some of these broads would look like pieces of raw chicken w/o all their plastic surgery.  Danielle is one of them!  And why is she bringing strange men around her girls this soon?  What the fuck is wrong with people?  Everyone shouldn’t be allowed to have kids, sorry!

Over at the Brownstone, Dina’s preparing for her Lady Bug Foundation charity event.  It looks more like the Pit Bull Foundation the way Dina is walking around barkin at everyone and biting their heads off. 

Dear Danielle, no matter how short and “young” the dress on your body, you still look almost 50!  DID THIS BITCH JUST THROW THE PUSSY AT THE TODDLER?  He didn’t even want it!!

Back at the Pit Bull Convention, Jacque can’t control her kid and Dina’s on the war path!  I gotta side wit Jacque on this one.  She was there as a guest.  I’m sure that had Dina asked her to volunteer she woulda.  You can’t just tell someone, family or not, that now they’re working as they’re hangin with friends enjoying the event.  Tacky!  Then Dina had the NERVE to say that Jacque doesn’t understand having a career.  I love how she forgot how her own SIL used to be a single mom working multiple jobs in order to support herself and her child!  That was a slap in the fucking face.

I must say, Teresa looked better in her afro LOL!  She wore it well.

Here we go, next week the shit is gonna hit the fan!  Loves it!

…Vine…in a minute

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Real Housewives of New Jersey: Episode 1 Recap

I have to admit, it has not been easy to get into the Jersey girls, but I’m gonna try. 

Aight, I can already tell from the intro that this is a volatile bunch of heffas.  Let’ see if I feel the same as in my  Jersey Preview Recap.

Teresa and that big Jersey hair are up first.  She is the founder of the IBTC, BUT she betta not get implants!  With a body like that after three brats, who gives a fuck about being flat chested?  Bitches are gonna learn to stop putting foreign objects in their bodies…no pun intended!  She and her “gorgeous” (in her mind) husband are having their dream house built.  New house needs new furniture.  So she dropped $120,360.00 IN CASH on her new furniture!  Now don’t get me wrong, I ain’t mad at her for having the money, but what kind of dumb ass fool walks around with that kinda money on them?  On top of that, the shit is on national tv now!  Just tell people that they should rob your ass why don’t you!  She might have hella money, but she has no common sense, obviously!

Dina and Caroline head over to a possible new house for Dina.  I’ll let ya’ll know right now, Caroline is my girl!  I love her; she is the keep it real mama of the group like Jeana and Jill Zarin!  Ewww Dina’s cat is ugly as hell.  Aight, yes, Dina seems to have a major chip on her shoulder, but from how she’s explaining her life in Jersey, I see why!  Everyone but her family shunned her until she came up…I’d have an attitude, too.

Over at The Brownstone, Caroline and company are in action.  Her kids work there, Dina’s offices are there, her husband and Dina’s husband run the joint.  I mean, that’s great but this shit is boring!  OMG can I make it through the entire premiere?

Jacqueline is a Vegas girl, but moved to Jersey for her man, who happens to be Caroline and Dina’s brother.  I KNEW that most of the cast being related was going to lessen the drama of this series!  I knew it.  She seems down to earth and finds stuck up people to be over the top.  I’m with her on that.  In case ya’ll missed her on The View with Caroline and Dina, Jacqueline is now pregant.  From the looks of things, she’s about to pop any damn minute! 

Danielle, the 45 year old who is on the verge of  lookin like Joan Rivers, needs to lay OFF the lip injections and plastic surgery!  Again I ask, how the fuck does one get engaged 19 times?  Is it a shock that the 20th one, that resulted in marriage, wasn’t a charm?  Yes, for 45 she’s in great shape.  But it’s too much!  The tanning bed in the house, the fake tits, the fake lips…I mean calm the fuck down on all that!

Anyway, Danielle and Jacqueline are good friends.  I think Jacqueline is drawn to her cuz she isn’t related to her and it doesn’t seem that Danielle kicks it with Caroline and Dina.  Sometimes you need a break and Jacque ain’t no different.  Yes, Jacque.  This is too boring to type out her whole name.

Caroline has one son in law school and another who wants to own a car wash that doubles as a strip club!  Caroline doesn’t believe in forcing her kids to go to college…partially cuz she believes that street smarts will get your farther than book smarts!  I don’t necessarily agree with that, but at least she has motivated kids!  That’s more than some of the OC bitches have…ahemTamra, Jeana!

Dina actually said that she had to play tennis before her nephew’s graduation so that she wouldn’t have to wear a mumu.  Is she delusional?  She ain’t hardly fat or even chunky!  If she was ya’ll know I’d say so.  Just shakin’ my damn head.  I’m gonna try my best not to talk about folks kids this season, but that Lexi and the fat mom comment is makin’ it hard for a sista.  I do have one question though.  When did parents start becoming their kids’ “best friend” or “sister” instead of their damn parent? 

Teresa is a crazy ass stage mom putting lip gloss on that poor little girl.  God and everybody could see that the kid didn’t want to be bothered!  And I’ve seen 4 year olds dance better “hip hop” than that!  It’s always a bad sign when a whole bunch of people are teaching “hip hop” and ain’t a black person in sight!

Jacque and Teresa are helping Danielle get ready for her blind date with a pervert she met online named “Gucci Model”!  They’ve been having phone sex for 2 years and now she wants to meet this nasty muthafucka in-person.  Then she told her kids about this shit?  What type of parenting is going on nowadays?  For real.  She said she had to tell her kids cuz they’ve been “forced to be best friends”.  Maybe spend less time phone fucking an overweight liar from the internet and spend more time being a parent vs. a “best friend”.  Just sayin…

Is anyone really shocked that “Gucci Model” stood Danielle up?  I’m sure he’s a fat, broke pervert…not the rich dude she thought she was meeting on wealthymen.com!  She’s 45 years old…she knows how to meet a man.  Get OFF the internet sweetie!

Caroline & co. are prepping for her son’s party.  He graduated from college and he should be celebrated!  Good for them.  But she’s gonna have her hands full with the women tryna come up on her son!  They looked like vultures at that party, didn’t they?  Swarming in on a dead animal with money attached to it!

Jacque and Dina are about to hit girls night out in NY, but Danielle is hurt that she wasn’t invited by Jacque.  Shit, the night was put together by Dina and her friends.  It’s not Jacque’s place to invite another muthafucka!  Danielle should spend this energy on herself and her kids.  Is it that damn serious that someone went out to dinner without yo ass?  It shouldn’t be…definitely not to the point where Danielle is now talkin about going to dinner at the same place as them!  Get a life honey! 

Judging by the previews for the season, things are going to pick up considerably.  Thank God.

How are ya’ll feeling about this installment of housewives?

…Vine…in a minute

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Real Housewives of New Jersey Preview

I love that we get to see a preview of these ghetto bitches!  These white girls are going to rival the ATL housewives!  I’m sorry, Italian.

Aight, Teresa and that big ass hair!  She thinks her husband Joe is “gorgeous”.  If he’s gorgeous, then she must cum in her pants when she sees Clooneyor Shemar Moore on the screen!  Just sayin…She claims not to work out, but has a rock hard body AFTER havin’ three kids.  She likes to match all 3 girls by the way.  Oh Lord, she’s a stage mom!  That’s the worst!

Dina…formerly divorced mother of one.  Now she’s remarried to a baller and evidently nobody in town likes her ass.  Lexi, her daughter, loves that her mom is “hot mom”.  She’d hate having a fat, old mom!  I see she was raised right.

Caroline, Dina’s sister, is up!  OH MY GOD!  Dina and Caroline are married to two dudes who are brothers LMAO!  Talk about keep it in the family.  She and her husband struggled before they got to this point.  So far, I think I like her.

Jacqueline is up.  She’s from Vegas, but moved to Jersey for her husband.  Hmm, I bet she did!  WHAT?  Jacqueline is married to Dina and Caroline’s brother.  Aight this shit is out of hand.  I don’t wanna see a Jersey family interacting all season! 

Danielle, 45, is one of those obsessed with her body types of broads.  HOW does one get engaged 20 times?  She has two kids, 14 and 10!  She’s divorced now and hasn’t gotten her settlement.  She’s whinin’ about possibly losing her home if she doesn’t get the money.  TWO YEARS have passed!  Get a fucking job.  She actually had the nerve to say someone needs to “save” her and her girls!  Sheree Syndrome!  Lazy, free loadin’ ass bitches!  If I have to watch her play with that short, thin hair all season, I’m going to scream!

After seeing clips from the season, I am CERTAIN Atlanta don’t have shit on these ghetto broads!

…Vine…in a minute

Real Housewives of NYC: Bethenny vs. Kelly

I know it’s late, but this is a live blog for me!  Let’s get to it.

They start off with Ramona offering Kelly a ticket to the Badgley Mischka fashion show during Fashion Week.  My question is, why doesn’t this bitch already have tickets if she’s so fucking fly?  Kelly is the first one to toot her own damn horn about how important she is, but she gets tickets from Ramona to a fashion show?  Why?  Cuz she’s frontin’, that’s why! 

NO SHE DIDN’T!  No Kelly didn’t say that bad manners are disgusting to her.  Okay, then what the fuck does she call beating up her own boyfriend?  Is that shit good manners?  This bitch is out of her mind! 

Now Kelly is talkin’ shit about Bethenny!  I know that we have some white girls who read our blog and I don’t mean to offend, but ya’ll know good and fuck well that some of your counterparts play this passive aggressive ass game and it’s irritating!  Kelly is one of those bitches.  This whole passive aggressive I don’t know why Bethenny doesn’t like me act is bogus!  That’s why dealin’ with sistas is a lot easier…but I digress!

Over at Casa de Zarin…Jill and Bobby Vegas are liking everything Jill’s gay husband is doing at this point!  Brad has even gone over budget and Bobby Vegas doesn’t give a shit.  How can you not love this man?

Oh Lawd, over to Simex and their weird science ass kids!  Simon told the cameras that he can keep a lot of info in his brain.  Shit, he should be able to considering the only other thing in life he does is manage a hotel!

Aww shit!  They just advertised the Real Housewives of New Jersey FINALLY!  I know these 5 bitches are going to be over the top, ghetto and entertaining!  I’m talkin’ ATL housewives level…WATCH!

Back to Kelly and Bethenny!  Why does this bitch always look like a low budget piece of trash?  Ya’ll know I’m talkin’ about Kelly.  Bitch sat down and had a fucked up ass foul attitude from jump!  THIS is why they didn’t have these types of confrontations during the Atlanta season…cuz a bitch (Kelly) would’ve gotten her ass beat or at LEAST slapped, talkin’ to somebody like that.  Why the fuck would you invite someone to cocktails to tell them ya’ll ain’t friends when you were never friends in the first fuckin’ place?  I hope Bethenny throws her drink on this opportunistic bitch before the scene is over…for real!

This Kelly bitch met up with a man named Max Max!  Bitch had rolls at her knee caps!  Instead of talkin’ about Bethenny while on a date, she shoulda paid more attention to her gay date!  She said she was unsettled by the get together, but SHE is the one who asked Bethenny for the meeting!  Um, am I the only one who sees how fuckin’ nuts this hip-less bitch is?

Meanwhile, Ramona has bullied Bethenny into hangin’ with her and watchin’ Mario play golf.  Fucking snoozeville!  While there, they discuss the whole HipLESS Heffa fiasco!  Ramona knows Bethenny is being truthful, but she refuses to take sides cuz she thinks Kelly MIGHT help her progress in society somehow.  These bitches are transparent as a damn windshield!

At dinner, Mario and Ramona decided it was talk shit about Jill Zarin day!  Mario was bitchin’ about how Jill Zarin doesn’t do shit but shop, travel and eat.  So the fuck what!  If Bobby Vegas can afford for HIS wife to look good while chillin’ or sittin’ at home, then who gives a shit?  Mario, don’t hate cuz you have to send your wife to work every morning with that gut.

Anyway, Ramona is mad that Kelly wrote an article on the BM Fashion Show cuz she invited her and she used to be the fashion writer…in her own mind!  Get over it honey!

Back over to the Kelly and the soon to be ex-Countess Lu on their way to a Page Six Party, she’s STILL talkin’ about Bethenny.  Funny that she’s up HERE and Bethenny is down THERE, yet she’s still thinking about her.  Get over yourself, jealous bitch!  Even Countess Lu told her she was out of line.

Oh Lord, the gangs all there back in effect…even down to Simex lyin’ asses!  Aight, I’m gonna say it.  Jill Zarin and Mario have a sick and twisted sexual chemistry!  For real ya’ll!  Sure, some of it is jealousy on his part, but not all.  He WISHES Jill Zarin were his wife for just one day and as sexy as Bobby Vegas is, she wants Mario for about an hour!  Did ya’ll peep this shit between them?  Sexual frustration bitches!  Mario is worse than Kelly talkin’ bout he ain’t thinkin’ about Jill Zarin, yet he’s still runnin’ his mouth to SIMON of all people!  The Singers are two fake as muthafuckas!

It wouldn’t be Simex and Ramona unless an argument started.  Ramona explained that she basically hates them cuz she invited their social climbing wannabe asses to a celeb packed NY event and they didn’t show them the courtesy of informing that Alex had nude photos coming out two days later.  Ramona felt like that tarnished her rep.  Um, I feel her, but ain’t nobody thinkin’ that much about you Ramona.  Sorry babe!

Ya’ll won’t believe this, but I gotta go with Simex on this one…especially Simon!  The Van Kempens were right, PERIOD!  Ramona is a fucking hypocrite drama queen who needs to get a damn grip.

Excuse me for a minute, but that muthafucka Bobby Vegas is sexy as shit! 

In closing I have four words for ya’ll…KICK HIS ASSSS WAYNE! 

What did ya’ll think of last night’s episode?  And Jizzle, can I get some credit for being ON TIME with this week’s recap since you’re always hazing me LOL!!

…Vine…in a minute


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