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Posts tagged ‘Slade Smiley’

Real Housewives of OC: S5 Episode 1

Yes, actually, I do realize that I’m about 5 weeks behind.  You’ve been here long enough to know what I always say…better late than never.  Shit, I’ve been going through Atlanta Housewives withdrawal and anger since the last season ended.  I believe I’m ready to move on and give the OC bitches my undivided attention.

If I have to hear Vicky talkin’ about her vagina love tank again this season, I’m not going to get far.

It’s funny that Lynne said it’s not about how much money you have…Of course she said that cuz she ain’t got no damn money!

Breanna, Michael and Vicky are on their way to sky diving!  White folk, why are ya’ll always tryna cheat death?  Michael can’t stand her ass.  I hate to say it, but he looks like he’s secretly hoping her parachute malfunctions!!  You notice Michael’s ass was on the ground watching?  He was not gonna fuck up his possible payday by jumping, too. 

Over to Jeana and Colton.  How in the hell did Jeana burn out a clutch in one flippin outing?  Broke people need to drive better!  I’m not being funny; she’s even saying herself that her income has decreased by 2/3!  That is a whole lotta damn money!  She better stop eating $200 lunches at the St. Regis and learn to fucking cook like everybody else on a budget!

Tacky Tamra is such a piece of trash!  Why are you allowing your homeboy to say tea bag in the middle of a child’s party?  Simon can’t stand that broad.  I don’t know what happened, but I KNOW he ain’t fillin up her love tank these days with his pump!

Greedy Gretchen still looks good in spite of everyone talking shit about her over the past year!  I really don’t like Slade and Gretchen together, but I also don’t think she truly cares about that man!  Gretchen is still grieving Jeff’s loss.  She just wants someone there to comfort her, snuggle with her and spend time with her.  When she gets out of that place, she won’t give a damn about Slade’s non-child support paying, broke ass!  Watch! 

Over to Lynne in her rented by Bravo home.  How are you trying to have your accessories carried in a store that you can’t even pronounce?  That is a pet peeve of mine.  It’s Fred Segal, not SegalS.  It’s Nordstom, not NordstromS.  It’s Tiffany & Co., not TiffanyS!  Learn it…use it, Lynne.

Here goes Vicky bitching at Donn as if he’s the hired help!  You know why Vicky is so mad at bitches like Gretchen and the new girl?  Cuz she resents being the breadwinner in her home.  Well guess what honey?  YOU were part of the decision made that Donn would be in the home doing his thing while you were building an empire.  Don’t complain now.  And speaking of Bravo paying for shit for the housewives, can they PLEASE buy Vicky’s ass a face lift?  I’m not tryna be mean, I’m serious.  She has a decent figure for an almost 50-year-old woman, her business is on point, but that sun damage combined with aging is catching up to her!  She needs some work done.  At least some Patricia Wexler products.

Vicky and Tacky Tam are together having drinks, natch!  Damn right Simon is controlling.  He’s probably looking at Tacky Tam like she’s the one who caused all this shit!  If she weren’t tryna keep up with the Joneses, they’d still have some money. 

Vicky said that Jeana asked her for some money and she said no.  I’m on the fence about that.  I feel Vicky; money and friendship, especially that kind of money, don’t typically mix.  On the other hand, Vicky and Jeana have been bffs for quite some time.  How could she turn her back on Jeana in her time of need?  Maybe not all the money, but damn, at least some.  I would never turn my back on Hollywood like that and she wouldn’t do that to me either, period!!

Maybe if Tacky Tamra would spend more time worrying about her own on the rocks marriage instead of Gretchen’s love affairs, then her husband wouldn’t hate the sight of her ass!  She is a bitch!!  Now she done latched onto Lynne cuz Lynne is doing something with herself.  Tamra should fuck with Slade; they are both opportunistic wannabes!

This is why we love Gretchen!  She stood tall and owned up to her bullshit that came out during the off-season.  Yeah, she was in a fucked up place.  Who wouldn’t be after they lost their fiance?  I’m sure she was fucked up day in and day out, hanging around with a bunch of party all the time losers!  But she dusted herself off and she’s still standing tall, just as blond and cute as she was last season!  Team Gretchen!

Why is Lynne so pressed to be accepted by this broad?  Fuck Tamra and her broke, jealous ass!  I wouldn’t be friends with anyone who talked about me like a dog the way that she did about Lynne and Gretchen.  I’m glad Gretchen told Lynne about herself!  Still, the million dolla question is how did Gretchen’s alleged boyfriend get Tamra’s number?  Hmmmm.

Lynne’s is doing all she can to ensure that her daughter, Alexa, ends up on a pole!  Why is your 17-year-old parading down a random street with a bikini on?  That shit ain’t cute.  Lynne better worry about raising them daughters better before she tries to launch an international accessory line.

It is 2009.  Why does Lynne always look like the lead in some bad 80s porn? 

You see Simon told Tam to show some class!  Call me crazy, but I sincerely believe that he thinks her acting a fool last season had something to do with his business taking a nosedive!

Vicki is so ridiculous.  Lynne is supposed to be your acquaintance, at the least.  You couldn’t put on her jewelry for one damn night?  She’s just rude.  Gretchen has on a plum-colored slip and still puts these heffas to shame.  THAT is why they hate her ass.  Nothing more, nothing less.  Poor Jeana, all she wants to do is eat her way through the tension.  Tamra, if you’re tired of Gretchen looking like the good girl, then stop acting like you grew up in East St. Louis where she’s concerned!  Leave that woman alone.  You keep talking shit about her and she ignores you.  That’s why she looks good to the public. 

Tamra is a bold faced liar!  Straight up.  I can’t even deal with this little confrontation anymore.  I’m over this bitch talking down to Gretchen as if she’s so much better!  Vicki has some nerve saying that Gretchen was mean after all the bullshit that just came out of Tam’s mouth!  Tamra, if Gretchen preyed on old men, they why is she with Slade right now?  Bitches like that don’t give a damn…they stick to what works for them and their bank account!  JEALOUSY!

If ya’ll can remember back this far, what did you think of the season premiere?  It’s gonna be a good season, I knowz it.

…Vine…in a minute

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Bravo’s 2009 A-List Awards

Okay, Kathy and the Gays were hilarious in the opening number, but let’s cut the shit.  Did ya’ll see Greedy Gretchen and Slade in the audience together?  Hmmm.  Maybe there’s something to the rumors. 

Then during Neil Patrick Harris‘ win for A-List Actor, did you not LOVE that Bethenny had a better seat than Kelly AND NeNe had a better seat than Sheree??  YES!  I LOVE THIS SHIT!

Aight now back to the actual show.  Kathy looks fucking fantastic!  She FINALLY got the hair right.  Her body is ridiculous these days and even her gown was a hit! 

Miss Millionaire Matchmaker was there.  She looked like she got her bangs freshly trimmed for the show.  That boyfriend of hers must blow her shit out because he is not attractive…and damn sure ain’t worth dating for four years, at least on the outside and isn’t that what matters?  Come on, we’ve seen Patty’s open casting!  She sends people home for having thin hair!

I love Kelly Rowland, but I didn’t like that curly weave.  She let her souuuuul glow with that one!  Way too Eric LaSalle in Coming to America for her pretty face and my taste.

Um, who invited Sanjaya and his receding hairline?  They were tryna be funny!  And what about Padma and that Lil Wayne look alike with her?  I hope she’s not tryna out a Heidi Klum fetish.  Yuck, not a good look…or a good looking man for that matter.

Tim Gunn just presented an award for A-List designer to Marchesa, but they didn’t give a fuck enough to show up!  So Rachel Zoe accepted on their behalf.

I gotta say that Shanna Moakler’s intro to Greedy Gretchen for the Reality Award was funny as hell!  And I love that Greedy Gretchen openly agreed with Shanna’s shit talking about Tacky Tamra and Vicki’s old ass!  I’m sorry, but Slade has a thing for her.  He was staring at her like he use to stare at Jo.  Gretchen ain’t thinkin’ about his ass, even if they are together!

The A-List Reality Guilty Pleasure Award went to NeNe.  She has been eating WELL since the show wrapped!  DAYUM GIRL!  Is she pregnant?  Talk about pink elephant in the room.  Aight, that’s my girl so let me move on.  She and Sheree are clearly friends again.  Can’t say as much about her and Kim.  Bitch ain’t bust one smile when everyone was screamin’ for NeNe.  Jealousy is an even worse look for her than that bag wig!

A-List Male Style nominees are Daniel Craig, Justin Timberlake, David Beckham (THANK YOU JESUS) and Anderson Cooper!  The award goes to Justin Timberlake.  Well I know his ass ain’t show up at this shit!

Kim, Khloe and Kourtney came out to introduce Raphael Saddiq and even though Kourtney said his name wrong, they did aight.  While they’re doing their thing, two quick tidbits about Raphael.  We think he’s fucking his backup singer…the female in the white jacket.  However, has has fucked a man.  The guy lives in either Oakland or Emeryville.  Ummm, who are the three off beat broads that he pulled on stage?  Especially the one in the pink dress.  BOOOOO!

Paris and Tyson Beckford are up to present for Sexiest TV Moment.  The L Word elevator scene got the award, even though Paris pronounced it the “L WORLD”. 

Did anyone she the toothless dude in the audience?  Oh GAWD that was hard to watch.

Back to the lesbians.  Kathy decided to call up Aubrey O’Day, the former singer turned high class stripper who’s apparently to fat to even do that now, so they could make out in honor of Kathy coming out tonight!  I know a lot of people are wondering what Aubrey has been doing since Diddy kicked her ass out of Danity Kane and now we know……she’s been eating!

Padma Sashimi came out walkin’ like she was drunk to intro the people reading from celebrity autobiographies.  Tori Spelling won!  Her speech was funny, but she talked too damn long!

A-List Humanitarian went to Natasha Richardson.  Too sad to watch.

Here we go…Real Housewives Fashion Show is up next.  This is bout to be a hot ghetto mess!!  Oh Lord, Paris is the celebrity fashion critic for the night.  Who is she to judge when she has a wig on that looks like a wig?

So far all bad, especially Tacky Tamra.  Shit, to me Jeana in that red dress looked better than the skinny bitches.  LISA WU, YOU BETTA WORK BITCH!!  Lynne looked like she was going to the beach.  BOO!!!  Kelly supposedly was a model, but why did she look like an amateur on the catwalk?  NeNe might be big, but bitch ain’t lost a step.  She worked the shit outta that runway!  Gretchen looked cute.  But Bethenny looked GREAT!  This bitch had on BOOTY SHORTS!  I love her!

Sorry, got sidetracked/bored.  Had to take a Twitter break.

A-List Funny went to Chelsea Handler.  We love her! 

Whole lotta shit happened tonight.  I’m only one bitch…and this bitch is tired!  Oops, the repeat just came on.  Rachel Zoe has on a wedding ring, so she must still be married to that gay dude.

Aight, let me stop.  I haven’t even gotten to Kathy’s She’ll Cut A Bitch yet.  I’ll leave you with these 3 words…EASY CHRIS BROWN!!!

…in a minute (www.twitter.com/hollywoodNvine)

Real Housewives of OC: Season 4 Finale

Aight, this shit better be good because this is almost the last time Hollywood & Vine get to see our girls this year!

So Jeana is prepping for her birthday date with Allen, a red-faced hillbilly from Texas.  Jeana said “as you get older, you realize there’s more to life than physical attraction” just in case ya’ll though H&V were being harsh.  We were nice compared to that.  He took her to the St. Regis for dinner.  So he must have some of that Texas hillbilly money!  Dude is just hella unattractive.  Damn we can’t wait for Jeana to decide to lose that fuckin weight because she’s such a nice lookin broad.  Movin on cuz these two muthafuckas is boring as shit!

On to Wooooo Hoooooo VickiBrianna’s big ass came by to visit her at work (nice plug for Coto Insurance).  Evidently, the big ole big ole is thinking about entering the Army’s nursing program.  Vicki is mad as fuck about this shit!  What gets H&V is that muthafuckas like Vicki are so pro-war, yet she don’t want her own child over there in the middle of that bullshit!  Hypocrite…but we digress!  AHA!!!  Now we know why Brianna has gotten big as a house.  Colby left her.  Damn, this fuckin asshole was wrong for that shit.  While packin up the car for a road trip he said I can’t go anymore; I don’t love you!!?  What the fuck?  She should whooped Colby’s fuckin ass for that shit!  We almost feel bad for callin her fat.  ALMOST!

Over to Lynne’s two loose daughters in the making.  Raquel is pissed that mommy wants her lazy ass to get a job.  This little bitch works our last nerve!  She has been outta high school for almost two years and still ain’t done shit with herself?  That, ladies and gentleman, is what H&V call a loser!  Lynne had the nerve to say raising teenage girls is so difficult.  Um, correct us if we’re wrong, but she ain’t raised them.  That’s why these bitches are fuckin and drinkin, but don’t have gas money!

The ladies decided to have their end of the summer bash somewhere in Laguna.  Greedy Gretchen said that Jeff is back in the hospital and the doc wouldn’t let him out for the party!  Uhhhh, no shit!  Jeana brought Allen and her implants to the party!  She looked great, minus the back fat!  Even Jo and Slade’s asses were there.  Recipe for disaster.

Simon surprised Tacky Tamra with an expensive diamond tennis bracelet that he probably got for free in exchange for sayin the company’s name on tv.  We still ain’t figured out how this bitch’s wrists are so damn wrinkled!  She’s not that fuckin old.

Ya’ll remember Tammy Knickerbocker?  Well she showed up with her two daughters and her man.  It was nice to see her.  Vicki announced to Tammy and Michael that she bought herself a new Rolex, but in the next breath said she didn’t want to tell everyone.  She’d rather be “classy”and under the radar until people noticed her shit on their own!  First of all, why does this bitch go out of her way to belittle her husband?  Donn’s gonna fuck around and leave her ass one day, bet!  Secondly, it never fails that a muthafucka is in trouble when they say the word “classy”.  H&V been tryna tell ya.

Meanwhile, Greedy Gretchen calls all the housewives, even Lauri, over for a huddle.  She presented them with a gift, if you wanna call it that.  She gave the other OC bitches Coach coin purses!  COACH?  These hoes are walkin round with Rolexes and 30-40k wedding rings and Greedy Gretchen fuckin gives them COACH?  Who over the age of 18 still carries a Coach bag?  Now, Vicki had to be a bitch about that, too!  We ain’t bring no gift.  We ain’t get the gift memo.  Bitch, just say thank you and re-gift that shit to your fat daughter!  It’s not a big deal.  Vicki always has some shit to say.  Tacky Tamra, too.  Steady thinkin someone is tryna kiss her ass!  Bitch, nobody gives a fuck about you that much!  We wish Greedy Gretchen would cuss her ass out!  We’ll likely get our wish on the reunion special.

Speakin of Gretchen, her dad read a letter to her from Jeff.  It basically thanked her for standing by his side and that he got her something to put a smile on her face.  The whole Greedy clan walked outside of the party and what was waitin for her ass….a brand new $23,000 Harley Davidson!  Tacky Tamra is so fuckin full of herself.  She thinks that Gretchen copied her!  She is so jealous of Gretchen!  Vicki ain’t much better.  She said to her seemingly gay friend who would want a Harley at our age?  Dude said ya’ll ain’t the same age; she’s 20 years younger.  Vicki was like 10 years younger, she is NOT 20 years younger than me!  Vicki, get a grip.  You ain’t been 40 in damn near a decade.  Boyfriend got it right the first time!  If these bitches spent more time on their heartbroken fat and gay kids or their husbands instead of on Greedy Gretchen, we bet their lives would improve 100%!

Jo makes an entrance with a new hair cut.  Hollywood is feelin’ it, but Vine ain’t.  Tacky Tamra has the balls to say Slade looks like a homo… with her gay ass son runnin round the party still frontin like he likes bitches! 

At the end of the show they gave us updates on everyone.  Everything was fairly predictable, but it still got us when Jeana told about Jeff’s passing.  Even though we already knew, it’s just really sad. 

The reunion will be on next week.  We don’t know too much yet, but H&V think that Tacky Tamra had some work done on her face! 

Overall, we thought it was a great season.  What did ya’ll think?

Stick with Hollywood & Vine for a season full of the New York bitches! 

In a minute…

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