Where Reality Meets Rhapsody

Posts tagged ‘Tiger Woods’

The Nanny Gets Her Payday…

According to TMZ, initial reports of Elin Woods’ divorce settlement of $750 million was extremely exaggerated.  Their sources are telling them that she’s going to get $100 million and ya’ll know Harvey is never wrong.

I’ve been reading a lot of comments on Facebook and Twitter about how fucked up it is that the help a woman who never swung a golf club on a golf course could get such a large settlement…and that is why I think most people are stupid.  Here’s the deal, the first thing to remember is that is not that woman’s fault that Tiger and his overpaid, underproducing legal team didn’t play hard ball with this broad. 

He obviously bought her silence, as reports state that she may never ever comment on Tiger in any way, shape or form, even after the nigga is dead!  Whatever he wants to keep a secret goes far beyond her whooping his ass with that golf club, mistresses and him driving under the influence of Ambien and God knows what else that night (allegedly).  I’m guessing it has to do with performance enhancing drug allegations possibly being true and his alleged, casual use of prescription pills.  THAT is the type of shit that would make it difficult to rebuild his brand, thus making him more money!  We all know about the hoes and kinky sex.  We know about the alleged love children.  We know the size of his dick and that he can work it.  What else is worth silencing the help Elin? 

If it’s not those things, then Tiger is a bigger clown than I originally suspected!  Who gives a fuck if she tells your business.  Let her!  Either he’s a punk or he has some shit that he truly does not want people to know.  Either way, $100 million is about right.  Let that woman move back to west hell and raise those two black children, teach them to think they’re white and don’t take them to church…like Tiger’s parents did to him!

…Vine…in a minute

6 Figure Sex…

Almost nothing shocks me, but damnit if this didn’t make me speechless!  According to Perez Hilton, Jaimee Grubbs, Tiger’s other mistress, was paid $150,000 to spill her guts to US Weekly (the issue is currently on newsstands)!  WHAT?  A hunned and fiddy thousand dollas!  Ain’t that a bitch?

Women, I want you to take a minute and think about all the no good muthauckas you’ve ever slept with.  Now think about the ones you slept with who barely took you to dinner…drinks…a movie…a walk in the park!  My point exactly!  I’m not saying what Jaimee Grubbs did was right, but I understand.  How many of ya’ll have had 6-figure sex??

…Vine…in a minute

Elin to Tiger…’Run Me My Money’

We told ya’ll that Elin Nordegren knew what she was doing!  Looks like Tiger’s loving wife who’s supposedly going to stick by her man, is making sure that they at least stay attached financially!

Elin’s initial prenuptial agreement will give her $20 million should she and Tiger divorce after 10 years of marriage.  Obviously, he went to Jaimee Grubbs and Rachel Uchitel to cure his 7 year itch.  Now the nanny Elin and her attorneys are revising the hell out of that prenup. 

According to the Chicago Sun-Times, Tiger has transferred a large 7 figure sum of money into Elin’s personal account just to keep her with him!  Elin has also, allegedly, demanded a complete rewrite of the prenup! 

Tiger’s image has already taken a big hit with this scandal.  The “when was the last time you’ve been fucked” text messages and threesome dreams made sure of that!  He needs to go on ahead and leave Elin’s ass now and just take one big hit one good time!  Otherwise, he’s going to end up paying his live-in babysitter Elin more money than he’d care to!

Trust, Elin was not a nanny for a pro golfer by mistake!  She knew what she was doing.  She’s striking while the iron is hot, just like the mistresses!  She ain’t slick. 

Updates:  Allegedly Elin was given $5 million to stay with Woods.  Elin has renegotiated to receive a supposed $55 million settlement for staying married to Tiger less than the original 10 years if they split.  Should she leave after 7 years, she stands to earn upwards of $80 million!  DING!!!!

…Vine…in a minute

Rachel Uchitel’s Payday

If you haven’t been living under a rock or you’re messy like us, then you know one of Tiger Woods’ mistresses, Rachel Uchitel, had a press conference scheduled for today!  Well, bitch cancelled.  This has Gloria Allred written all over it.

Now word on the street is that Mr. Woods reached out to Rachel last night and offered to pay her off!  Didn’t we say that she’d have a book deal by Friday?  Well it’s Thursday and no way in hell did Gloria Alred let her accept an offer that wouldn’t pay her what a book and appearances would have…and then some! 

Tiger, next time you see a hot chick that you’d like to fuck, I’d suggest writing her a check instead.  It will cause you less grief and make you seem like a generous, nice guy!

…Vine…in a minute

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Golf Club…

Where do we start?  He is so stupid!  What kinda self-respecting playa would leave a voice message talking about “HEY THIS IS TIGER”!  GNR!  He might as well have said “Hey, this is Tiger Woods of the PGA, Earl Woods’ son”.  He all but asked for these sidechicks to save his messages for a rainy day!

If you follow us on Twitter, we told ya’ll the other day when this whole accident bullshit came out that it was a farce!  Elin whooped Tiger’s ass with a nine iron and busted up the niggas Escalade!  What I (Vine) think is funny about the situation is that Tiger Woods thought he would bypass all this scally wag tom foolery by marrying a white woman AND recruiting white chicks as jumpoffs!  He thought had he married LaQuita Jackson he would have to deal with ghetto shit.  Well guess what Cablonasian, you still have to deal with it with your Norwegian babysitter!  If that ain’t irony, I don’t know what is.

Now this chick, Rachel Uchitel, has teamed up with Gloria Allred (Vine loves her, Hollywood hates her)!  So you can’t tell me she won’t have a book deal by Friday morning when they ring the bell at the stock market!

Here’s the thing, we are not hardly mad at Rachel or his other jumpoff, Jaimee Grubbs, for spilling the beans!  These broads did not fuck themselves!  Tiger is the one who took vows and while they shouldn’t have fooled with him, he walked straight into this mess, period!  He had no problem using these broads.  Now he’s getting what he deserves!  It’s not their fault that Tiger couldn’t keep it in his pants!  If men would learn to just NOT get married so they can get off with every Rachel, Jamie and Sally that they meet, they wouldn’t have to worry about public scrutiny and muthaluvas being in their business!

I hope Gloria Alred gets fly girl as much as possible.  I’ll buy the book.  If there are more Tiger texts talking about “when is the last time you’ve been fucked”, I’m game!  That’s as much soul as he’s EVA displayed!

…H & V…in a minute

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