Aight! I’m back live bitches! We got the jive and the rumba tonight. I’m still a little pissed that David Alan Grier is gone. Now who will I call feminine? I so enjoyed the way that he kept his pelvis away from Kim’s privates at all costs! Gone too soon!
This theme song remix they play in the beginning is so Disney sounding…then Lil Kim comes out half naked. OH GAWD, what are Julianne and Chuck wearing? They look like they’re on S&M wit the Stars.
First up, Ty and Chelsie. Lord help, he has the Jive. He’s too stiff for this dance, but the Rumba woulda been worse. Okay, I’m tellin’ you, Jewel betta watch him gettin’ all pelvic thrust-ISH with this little girl. This is a fucking nightmare! He done messed up to the point where I’m watchin’ through my fingers. This won’t be pretty. Total 18!
Shawn and Mark are up with the Rumba. I’m not expecting too much. Technically she’ll be cool, but I bet this will be as romantic as me spending the night in bed with Bruno! Yep, told ya! She did all the shit right, but there was no damn fire! What the fuck is Bruno talkin’ about? Who the fuck wants to see the innocent side of romance during the damn Rumba? Total – 26!
Next…LTand Edyta. They have the jive. Again, this ain’t gone be cute. LT sounds like me and Hollywood wit all that fucking bleepin’ and shit LOL! Warren Sapp came to visit LT in the studio. OMG these niggas cussin’ and shit like they’re on the field. I KNOW one of them let at least one “N word” fly and ABC left that footage on the cutting room floor.
Here we go. All I can do is shake my damn head. Not a single hop in his step and he’s lookin’ at the floor. I think he actually counted out loud at one point. Send him home! The judges must want him to stay on the show cuz they’re being way too nice! Total – 22. He better praise Jesus for that score.
My GIRL is about to take the floor! She and Tony are gonna Rumba. WORK IT BITCH! Do ya’ll think she heard me? She’s dancing it well but there’s no fire here, either! Nobody’s gonna believe this, but I was disappointed! Bruno was right. She needs to go for it. Let loose. Act like you’re on Rock of Love or some shit! Hell, let your inner stripper come out! Total – 27. They were kind and I love her!
Derek, Lil Kim and all her back fat are up with the Jive. I still can’t believe she did that shit to her pretty face. OMG ROFLMAO! They are dancing to Jailhouse Rock! WHY does she dance with that look on her face as if Derek farted on her? That shit was horrible. I don’t care how much screamin’ the judges are doing. That was not enjoyable. I like Kim, but not tonight! THANK YOU LEN! Keep that shit real! It was ridiculous. Total – 28! TWO 10s? You’ve gotta be kidding me!
Steve-O and Lacey are up with a rumba. I’m already prepared for a nap thinkin’ about the snoozefest on the way from these two. You gotta be a really fucking bad dancer if you make Lacey boring. Okay, why do white folks kiss dogs on the mouth? I ain’t being funny. I really wanna know. Back to the show…His hips do not work. That’s clear. Shit, David Alan Grier was better than this. Send his non-dancin’ ass home. It’s cool that he’s sober, but that don’t make him a dancer. Total – 16! Len gave this fool a FOUR ROFLMAO!
Gilles and Cheryl are about to jive. Um, did Cheryl have a hole in her tights near the crotch? Distracting! I thought it was good, but it wasn’t his best dance. Actually probably his worst dance yet.
Heeeey, Queen Latifah and Jeanette Jenkins in the front row. I like Jeanette’s new hair cut. Makes her look more sophisticated.
Sorry, I get easily sidetracked! What I really wanna know is what Cheryl be eatin’ cuz she ain’t dropped a pound. Dayum girl. Don’t get it twisted, H & I love Cheryl, but this ain’t a good look for her short as she is. Total – 26.
Cristian de la Fuente was in the audience wit his fine ass! He’ll be on Brothers & Sisters this Sunday. I know what I’ll be watchin’.
One of my least favorite couples…Julianne and Chuck. They’re gonna rumba. They’re in the studio bitching about how tough it is to be lovers and student/teacher! Spare me. Ya’ll knew what the hell you signed up for. She looks like a trashy hooker in that get up! Um, how to I put this delicately? That shit was fucking HOT! I need a towel and shit. Wow, that was fabulous! I know those two muthafuckas have a HOT sex life after watching that rumba. HOT HOT HOT!!!! Oh, and HOT! Poor Derek! Awkward. Total – 23 I think. I’m still too hot to pay attention.
4/14/09 RESULTS – Steve-O and Lacey were booted!
…Vine…in a minute