Dancing w/the Stars: S12 Week 1 (Live Blog)

Chelsea and Mark are up first and they came out the gate fighting!  She’s very good!  Oh, a little bouncy toward the end; Len will hate that, but still fun to watch.  Overall I think the judges will love it.  If she can get people to pick up the phone and vote for her, she’ll go far.  7, 7 and 7.  800-VOTE4-01.

Wendy Williams and Tony Dovolani are up after the break!  How you dancin? OMG, Wendy, I love you, but you gotta sneak some of your talk show wigs to the DWTS set.  I watch her show so I know she can’t dance, but I’m still nervous that she’s going to fall over.  That’s a big mamma jamma!  Here we go…Well, um, okay.  She’s doing the steps without looking at her feet so that’s a good start LMAO!  I mean shit, she did the best she could.  Len is going to beat her up though!  Good Lord.  Bruno said she looked like a virgin out there!  5, 4, 5. 800-VOTE4-02

Hines Ward and Kym Johnson, I have a feeling this is going to be ugly.  He can’t get a closer shave on his head than that?  I’m distracted…but I digress.  Oh my, he moves his butt and his hips a bit too well for me.  Not in a sexy way AT ALL!  In a midtown Atlanta kind of way.  Cue Carrie Ann falling out over the obligatory minority male athlete…and scene!  Len liked it a lot and Bruno climaxed right before our eyes!  Scores after the break.  7, 7 and 7. 800-VOTE4-03

Petra Nemcova and Dmitry Chaplin…if she dances anything like her promo, she’s in trouble!  I can only imagine how tough it was for her to be dancing when she got the news about the tsunami in Japan.  I can, however, imagine how excited DWTS producers were at the timing.  Sad, but true!  Okay, she’s Foxtrotting.  Since her pelvis was broken in 4 places during the Sri Lanka tsunami, her flexibility isn’t too great. She did a respectable job, but she was boring to me.  Nope, not b/c it was a fox trot…she was just boring!  All the judges like her, but want her to improve greatly.  6, 6 and 6  800-VOTE4-04

Romeo and Chelsea Hightower are up!  Tony can deny all those rumors on her behalf if he wants to.  I’d bet money Romeo is tappin’ that!  OMG he left his doo-rag on for the cameras.  Oh yes, she is out there dancing like Cheryl when she has a partner she’s sleeping with (allegedly).  That was a trainwreck.  I’m sorry, from the tongue sticking out like he was on the basketball court to doing the dougie and shit!  And Carrie Ann needs a cold shower!  For once, I hope Len calls him on that mess.  He can do SO much better!  7, 6, and 6.  Carrie Ann is trippin.  800-VOTE4-05.

Sugar Ray Leonard and Anna are up.  He’s still in great shape.  Fox Trot to my favorite Huey Lewis song…don’t judge me.  Anna basically danced around him throughout the performance.  I think she could have done better by him.  Oh gawwwd, Carrie Ann said he reminded her of Ben Vereen.  Len said the dancing level was low.  Bruno wants to call him “Suga”.  6, 5, 6  800-VOTE4-06

Kendra’s trashy ass and Louis are up now.  I cannot stand this woman and they paired her with my man, Louis.  Lord, she’s falling all over her own feet, laughing about how she still dances like a stripper.  Kendra couldn’t do a classy performance if you paid her!  Commercial…She was determined to shake her ass in that performance.  She was actually counting during her performance.  Between her tryna be sexy and Hef’s old ass in the audience sitting next to her husband, I was paralyzed during the whole mess.  Pam Anderson was better!

Ralph Macchio and Karina Smirnoff…Lord forgive me, but he has NOT aged well.  My goodness he looks bad.  Okay, he’s 49, I’ll take some of that back.  Not all, but some.  He does look aight for 50, but damn.  Fox Trot.  Uh oh, hey now, Karina did some work on him!  I’m smiling!  OMG he’s pretty damn good!  WOW!  I’m totally shocked.  Standing O from the crowd and deservedly so!  He killed it!  He’s in it to win it.  Scores after the break!  8, 8 and 8  800-VOTE4-08

Chris Jericho and Cheryl Burke..Cheryl said that ballroom dancing is all about a man and woman connecting w/one another and nobody does that better than her.  No shit…allegedly!  This is already starting off bad.  He clapped for 8 counts and she danced around him for 4.  He is TOO BIG to be swirling his body around like that.  Wardrobe needs to do something to disguise those guns.  It didn’t work for me.  He did a decent job, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t know.  YES Carrie Ann, it was like a Chippendales performance.  He did it right, but there was no content.  7, 6, and 6  800-VOTE4-09

Mike Catherwood and Lacey Schwimmer – Evidently he hosts Love Line w/Dr. Drew.  Never heard of him, but he’s dancing with my girl so I’ll give him a chance.  I want Lacey’s hair to not look like that ever again.  Aight, Fox Trot.  He’s bad, but not a lost cause.  He has a ton of personality and with some work might be able to sell it better.  Yikes, he has a Jive next week.  Well shoot, one bad week at a time.  I missed his score and I’m guessing he’s 800-VOTE4-10  Kidding, here are the scores 5, 4, and 4.

My girl, Kirstie Alley and Maks are hopefully ending the show with a bang!  I’m expecting her to do her thing.  A dancing with the stars ho LOL!  She’s hilarious!  What is she, 50 or 60?  She’s still attractive if you ask me.  Love her.  WORK IT BITCH!  She was GREAT!  I knew it!  One of these seasons ya’ll will learn to listen to me:)  8, 7,  and 8!  Len, don’t start!  800-VOTE4-11

My predictions – Final 4: Kirstie, Chelsea, Ralph and Hines with Kirstie for the win!!

Who was your favorite tonight?

– Vine