Where Reality Meets Rhapsody

Archive for January, 2009

Dubya’s Lover Visits The View…

Former Secretary of State and George W. Bush jump off Condoleezza Rice took a little time to enjoy a different view than Bush’s naked body Thursday morning!

Let Hollywood & Vine just say for the record that we knew her ass would say some double meaning shit about Bush while sittin on the couch with those cross talkin, menopausal broads.  She can’t help it!

Did ya’ll see it?  When Babs was introducing her and said they were honored to have her on the show for the first time, Whoopi looked like she smelled dog shit?  Like she wanted to put a finger up and let it be known that she ain’t honored, she just came to work today!  Condi’s ass came out looking worse than usual.  We didn’t think that shit was possible.  She came walkin out like she just took Bush’s dick out her ass.  How do you have as much money and access as this broad, yet walk around lookin matronly with that Fashion Fair makeup on?  As usual, she had the 80’s press and curl going on.  But on with the interview.

This bitch is stickin to her story about WMD!  Condi  is a high class ride or die bitch.  She has her man’s back.  She said she doesn’t regret that they liberated Iraq.  Ummmmm, when did that shit happen?  Did H&V miss something because we’re still trying to figure out A) why muthafuckas are still blowin up shit in a “liberated” country and B) why the fuck Bush and them felt like it was their job to liberate any fucking body!

She told the broads that she was no good in ballet classes.  No shit!  Sherri asked her about Katrina and why shit was so slow!  Why didn’t they ask her fucking ass why she was out buying Manolo’s and shit after Katrina hit?  That’s what the fuck we wanna know.  She said as the highest ranking black official at the time, it was hard for her to watch all that go down with so many blacks.  So, H&V guess she deals with tough shit buy shopping instead of doing her fucking job!  That’s like a minister ridin around in a Bentley while his/her poor ass members are barely able to put food on the table, but faithfully tithe!  Bullshit!

Whoopi made a joke about Condi talkin to Bush and calling him George.  Every muthafucka there got it BUT her ass.  She gone try to check Whoopi by saying “first of all we don’t call him George”!  In true Whoopi form, she crossed her arms and said “don’t sit here and try to tell me that you don’t call him George”.  We love that bitch.  Keep it real Whoop, keep it real!  Then in her best white girl voice she checked Condi back and said that she’s a comic, so she made it funny but her point was…..  We can’t stand uppity ass black bitches!  Condi needs to stop actin like she didn’t grow up in kuntry ass Alabama with two nigga parents!  Bitch, just cuz you’re hella intelligent doesn’t mean you have the right to turn up your nose, especially to another intelligent, beloved and groundbreaking black woman!

As sure as the sun will rise, Condi said she wanted to tell them “why she was initially attracted to President Bush”!  WE KNEW she’d slip up!  She always does.

They just open the door for us with this shit!  Elisabeth’s annoying ass asked Condi if she has ever woken up and not known where she was!  She said sometimes she wakes up in her own bed and doesn’t know where she is.  We think that she has woken up in Bush’s bed and felt the same way.  Just sayin…

Basically, the shit was boring, but it did give H&V more ammunition to our Condi-Bush affair theory.

In a minute…

Shane Keough, The Jig Is Up…

Hollywood & Vine would like to thank one of our loyal readers for the funny shit she sent us this morning! 

It seems that we are not the only ones out there whose sugar meter goes ape shit when Shane Keough is on the screen!  Here’s what Wikipedia said about Shane prior to some asshole editing the good shit out:

“It appears as if he may have taken performance enhancement drugs prior to the last baseball season.  This combined with his latent homosexuality only furthers his chances of being cut from this team.”

We just want to point out that A) we BEEN sayin that Shane is gay!  Why would a good looking, grown ass man be a virgin?  We could see if he were raised in a religious household, but he wasn’t.  We think that he’s just not attracted to women so he didn’t bother to fuck with them…literally!  Now whether or not he’s had a session with a man is something we don’t know.  We’re guessing being on a little league baseball team and his mom being on TV has thrown a monkey wrench in that shit!  B) his alleged steroid use could explain how the fuck he talked to Jeana last night without even blinking!  His ass sounded fucking crazy last night! 

H&V are just glad we got to see the good shit before it was deleted.

Remember, if you have any tips or information you wanna share with H&V, email us at hollywoodandvineblog@gmail.com.

In a minute…

Real Housewives of OC: 1.27.09 Recap

This week Vicki starts off the show by taking Jeana to her hometown…Chicago.  She was all chummy with Tamra, but you see Jeana is still her real BFF.  Hollywood & Vine are shocked that Vicki has 4 friends in the first place. 

Back in Orange County, Tamra took her haggard ass mama to get a face lift.  Why won’t these women just take care of themselves and age gracefully?  And what the fuck is Tamra wearing?  She has looked a mess all damn season, with those obvious tracks!  But back to saggy face SandyTamra was crying before mama Sandra went into surgery.  Why?  Because she knew good and fuck well that surgery is dangerous!  She had the nerve to call it “minor” surgery.  Is she insane?  Bitch, they’re about to cut your mother’s face open and shit.  If that ain’t major surgery, then nothing is!

Oh Lord, Lynne!  She is so damn annoying.  Why does she continue to pamper these bitches?  They are as undeserving as it comes, especially Raquel.  So, Alexa and Lynne head to someone’s backyard to act like they know how to play tennis.  During their mother/daughter bonding, Alexa used the word “dykes”!  Now, H&V aren’t against name calling, obviously, but we ain’t 15 standin in front of our mamas either.  How did Lynne let her child say some offensive shit like dyke and not check her ass?  Again, wouldn’t happen with a black mama.  You can’t even say shut up in a black household without catchin hell.  This was the same piece of trash a few weeks ago whining because her little boyfriend told her she looked like a stripper in her mom’s too short/too tight ass dress!  Guess it only took a minute for her to forget how she felt when someone called her a name.

Greedy Gretchen is in San Diego checking out Lava Sport & Fitness as a possible investment for her and Jeff.  We had to laugh for a second when she said that, as if her ass is putting in any of the investment money.  At least she’s somewhat taking Vicki’s advice about covering her own financial ass in the event that Jeff passes away, which unfortunately he did.

Kimberly Bryant, one of the original OC Housewives, now lives in Chicago.  She joined Jeana, Vicki and Vicki’s people for dinner.  Did this gathering not have some crazy shit going on?  Vicki keeps kissing her homegirls from the Chi calling them her peopleKimberly said that she wouldn’t have a problem letting her kids fuck under her roof.  She said sex is a wonderful thing, then asked Vicki why she would want to keep her kids from experiencing that.  Vicki let her know that basically, them muthafuckas ain’t married so they ain’t fuckin in her house, period!  Well, Vicki accidentally let the cat out of the bag that Jeana let her kids fuck in the house at 16 and when we say accidentally, we mean purposely!  Ya’ll know Vicki is somewhat jealous of Jeana.  She takes any opportunity she gets to belittle Jeana to make herself seem better!  Bitch!  It was clear that Jeana asked that they not discuss this topic on camera prior to filming, but Vicki went there anyway.  That’s real fucked up.  Whether we agree with parents letting their kids fuck in the house at 16 ain’t the point.  The point is that Jeana is her girl.  Why would she put her business in the street like that when she asked you not to?  Vicki is a cunt!  Yeah, we said it…cunt!

What’s with Vicki kissing her friends husband on the fucking lips?  That shit isn’t cool.  H&V are tight, but ain’t neither of us rubbin on the others husband or kissing him on the lips or any fucking where else.  Fucking disgusting.  Jeana was right, that shit was inappropriate.  Again, props to Jeana for remaining the loyal, good friend for telling Vicki ON SITE that she shit was raggedy!

Back to Tacky Tamra.  Her brother brought over old family photos and she reminisced about her childhood.  She decided to go to Iowa to visit her dad.  Hopefully it’s coming this episode so we can see this shit [it didn’t].  Maybe mending her relationship with her dad will make her less of a classless bitch??!

Jeana and Vicki hit the road for Shane’s game.  This bitch ass piece of shit text Jeana telling her to stay the fuck away from the field.  Once they got to the field, he walked passed her as she called out to him and told him the same thing!  This is why you don’t fucking put your kids in the position to see another muthafucka treatin you any kind of way.  Because your kids will turn around and treat you that way or treat another person that way.  Jeana is prime example.  She done let that head injury, alcoholic, overcooked asshole talk down to her so long that now both of her boys do the same.  These two little dick punks really pissed H&V off!  Shane threatened to never speak to Jeana again.  Cool.  See how hard life is without your mom’s millions taking care of your volatile ass.  This fool plays minor league baseball and he ain’t hardly near the top of the list of minor league talent.  You ain’t making enough money to sustain the lifestyle you’re living.  You need mommy and her wallet bitch!  Don’t ever get it twisted.  UGH, these ungrateful fucking kids work our last nerves!

Back at Lynne’s, she announces to the camera that she’s invited all the “houseWIFES” over for a cocktail party.  Damn this broad is dumb as shit.  H&V are sick and fucking tired of seeing this woman’s GUT!  Either this bitch needs to put on a baby doll top or she needs to stop wearing fucking skin tight ass clothes.  LYNNE, YOU ARE 100 YEARS OLD!  YOU ARE NO LONGER YOUNG! 

In walks Raquel and her fat friends to get some cocktails.  For some reason, Lynne thinks that all teenagers drink.  No, all teenagers don’t drink.  It’s just your fucked up lush of a teenager.  She should have been embarrassed to host that cocktail party and have her teenage daughter and her teenage friends mingling with grown folks sipping on cosmopolitans.  On top of that, she knew the shit would be aired on national tv.  Did they not think about the muthafuckas who work with Frank and what they might think?  Why did Tamra and Simon stay there?  He’s an investor in a tequila company.  Didn’t he stop to think how bad he might look once this shit aired?  People don’t damn think!  What the fuck is wrong with them?  Raquel will be in rehab by 21.  H&V said it first. 

Furthermore, how do you have a kid who has been out of high school almost two years who has no job, yet you buy her a brand fucking new BMW?  THEN you send her ass to Vegas with friends?  We could really scream at Lynne and Frank.  They are fucking fools!

Now on another note, did ya’ll notice that Raquel’s black girlfriend was the only one in the group without a drink?  Yeah, because she knew her mama would whoop her ass when this shit aired.  She knows whoopins don’t expire!

Did anyone see Brian (we think that’s his name), the personal chef who was on Top Chef a few seasons ago?  Nice to see him still getting paid!

Next week the bitches are hittin Vegas.  Looks like Lynne will give us plenty of off beat dancing and jumping around on the dance floor while Tamra won’t disappoint by constantly talking shit about Greedy Gretchen.  All we wanna know is why they stayed at the Red Rock?  The shit is like a $40.00 cab right OFF the strip!

In a minute…

T.O.’s Reality TV Debut

AP Photo/Tony Gutierrez

AP Photo/Tony Gutierrez

This July, VH1 will add Dallas Cowboys’ wide receiver Terrell Owens to their celebreality roster.  This is particularly funny because T.O. doesn’t have shit to do with videos, hits, or music at all!  Like we said the other day, VH1 will exploit any fucking body who will let them.

The untitled show will also feature Monique Jackson and Kita Williams, T.O.’s best friend and publicist.  H&V thought his publicist was Kim Etheredge.  Guess he got rid of her when she couldn’t spin the attempted suicide into the allergic reaction story he tried to feed us.  T.O. would have had an easier time calling it an accidental suicide attempt…worked for Heath Ledger’s publicist!  Just sayin.

At this point, they’re only saying that the show will document Owens’ life during the office season – anything from football to life to matchmaking.  Yes, matchmaking.  A filthy rich, decent looking NFL player with the body of a god needin help finding a woman isn’t hard to decipher.  H&V are the only bloggers with balls enough to let ya’ll know he’s gay.  But we still look forward to watching him pretend to love the ladies.

Ya’ll plan to watch this shit?  In a minute…

Sober House: Episode 2

Hollywood & Vine are convinced that there are two fools at the head of VH1 programming just like us who sit in an office thinking “wonder what would happen if we put a bunch of junkie, has been performers in a house together to get sober”.  But even H&V think this shit is fucked up!  Talk about exploitation…BUT we still have to watch and tell our readers how we feel about it.


Now is it just us or was Dr. Drew rushing through his meeting with Steven Adler to get on to something more exciting and worth his time?  Dr. Drew didn’t seem to give two shits about that man showing up at the sober house high as the sky!!  How the fuck do you come to the sober house right after your ass finishes rehab high as shit?  Dayum!  That’s why we never fucked with drugs. 


Amber Smith been a junkie for how many years and the bitch is still bad!  She looks well rested and beautiful.  The rest of those broads look like shit, using props around the sober house to hide their guts and shit! 


It’s only episode 2 and H&V are already sick of Steven playing with that damn hair like he’s a broad!  He needs to cut that shit off and step into the 21st century.  Even Bret Michaels is somewhat new school…he has extensions in his hair!


Steven Adler has a lot of nerve calling the housemother a “fat bitch”.  He shouldn’t be talking shit about anyone with his heroin-addicted ass!  He said that he is still in the business.  No the fuck you’re not.  He ain’t been in Guns N Roses since H&V were kids!


Poor Rodney King looks like he doesn’t even want to be there with the others, doesn’t he?  He’s just trying to get his check after the show and move on with life and that light skinned fiancée of his.  Seth thinks he’s funny.  We know what he was really saying to Rodney…”nigga get up here and barbecue”! 


At first we thought that Steven’s wife, Carolina, needed a green card because she damn sure ain’t with him for his money.  This muthafucka ain’t got money the first!  She doesn’t have a fucking wedding ring (he probably pawned the shit for drug money) and this bitch walked into the sober house with a fucking Dooney & Bourke bag on her shoulder!  Then it hit us, H&V think that the little money he has left, Carolina took it and put that shit away for herself.  She is bleeding his ass dry and he’s too fucked up to know which way is Sunday.  Even when the house mother (we gonna learn her name one day) called Carolina to come get his ass, she said “I’ll call you back in 10 minutes”.  Carolina ain’t call back or come get this fool!  She was probably in bed with her good looking, sober, Latino lover!  Don’t act like nobody didn’t see her standing there laughing at him while he was running around at the barbecue making a damn fool out of himself!  It’s a joke to her because she’s getting paid.  Bet!


Did ya’ll see Debo’s ass roll up in a fucking Bentley?  His old ass ain’t got no business up at that woman’s house acting a fucking fool!  Even Rodney King wouldn’t fucking deal with his ass! 


Then the black out hit!  Aww shit, were them muthafuckas not going crazy?  Steven was tiptoeing up the stairs with that lantern to smoke him some shit!  Like tip toeing was going to keep everyone from hearing him with a fucking camera crew right behind his ass.  He looks like a thing that goes bump in the night!


Bob’s Big Boy ain’t slick walkin back into the bathroom to get another whiff of the heroin fumes.  Even after the commercial break he was still sniffin the homemade foil shit! 


Seriously though, the house mother is better than H&V because he woulda called us one bitch before we put his junkie ass in the street.  How are you gonna stand in someone else’s house and call them out their name?  We wish he would!  She was patient as fuck, calling the police, his damn wife and friends.  NOBODY wanted to take his ass.  Like she was asking them to come pick up a bag of dog shit and take it back to their house.


Note to Steven Adler, if you’re a grown ass man, high or not, and it takes you more than five fucking minutes to fasten your jeans, then your jeans are too damn tight!  Period.  Take them bitches off and let your nuts breath for a minute, shit!


H&V don’t understand the appeal of heroin and don’t wanna know.  This fool was noddin while walking to the fucking door.  That didn’t look anything close to a good high.  Shit just looked raggedy and tiresome.  We don’t wanna do no shit that fucks us up to the point where we don’t even know where our fucking room is in the damn house! 


This season is going to be entertaining, even though none of us should be watching this type of shit for entertainment!


Anyone else watch?  What did you think?


In a minute…



DeShawn Snow, You’re Fired…


Photo Source: Essence.com

Recently, DeShawn Snow broke the news to Essence.com that Bravo will not be bringing her back for Season 2 of the Real Housewives Atlanta!  

Snow said she didn’t even see it coming, especially since she had just spoken to a show producers last month and they acted like all was well.  Of course they did!

According to NeNe Leakes’ interview with momlogic.com “she wanted to be a part of the show.  Production decided they weren’t going to option her for the second season.  I think the reason…is that she wasn’t as outgoing or talkative as we were.  We’re drama queens and to roll with us, you’ve got to be a drama queen”.  As much as Hollywood & Vine love NeNe, we don’t think that’s the reason at all!  First of all, NeNe knows that she and Lisa were both tight with DeShawn.  She was never a drama queen, but ya’ll loved her anyway!

DeShawn didn’t act a fool!  She didn’t know the difference between an Estate Manager and a housekeeper and she talked through her damn teeth, but she wasn’t ignorant acting.  The reunion was the icing on the cake.  She was like shit, I’m a human being, I fell down a few times on the show, but I got back up, learned from it and kept that shit moving.  That is not how Bravo wants to see a black woman acting on TV.  They want to see us acting like NeNe, Lisa [Wu Hartwell] and Sheree [Whitfield]…always keeping up some shit.  Granted, NeNe is funny as fuck and she keeps it real, but she’s still ghetto actin.  They’d rather remove DeShawn and put one more black bitch on there who’s going to act like a stereotypical black woman who has never had shit before in her life.  We can’t hate on them on a business level, but as H&V we think Bravo is really fucked up!  DeShawn is an accurate representation of some black women in America.  How are they going to get rid of the only actual housewife on the show?  This is ridiculous. 

If you’re as pissed off as us, write a letter to Bravo!  H&V should have the most accurate information for ya’ll by the end of the day!  Until then, tell us your thoughts.

In a minute…

Real Housewives of OC: 1.20.09 Wrap-up

Hollywood & Vine had to put all this Inauguration shit on hold while we watch tonight’s episode.  We do have priorities you know!

The show starts off not really telling us shit about whether or not Greedy Gretchen and Tamra’s “straight” son hooked up!  Bravo is going to drag this shit out or half the show.  Aight, we’ll play along.

Meanwhile, Jeana’s  in Matt “you’re just really overcooked” Keough’s closet because he asked her to send him some of his things.  Damnit, Jeana is such a nice woman because H&V woulda been sold his shit! 

Her trainer stopped by the house for coffee because we know good and hell well Jeana ain’t about to work out!  We love her to death, but she ain’t workin out!  What she needs to do is stop paying John to counsel her and tell her what to eat.  She should spend a week with H&V instead!  We could do the same thing for free and at least she’d have fun.  That trainer is boring as shit!

Okay, hold on a minute.  Did anyone see those floatation devices under Tamra’s top that she calls implants?  She had the fucking nerve to say that Gretchen needs to grow up and stop being jealous of her.  Um, bitch, Hollywood & Vine have watched this whole crazy ass season and the one who needs to grow the fuck up if your ass!  Furthermore, Gretchen was not jealous of these bitches huddled in a circle talking about how old their fake tits are!  Gretchen already looks good just how she is.  You think she wouldn’t have bought herself some tits already if she wanted them?  Come on now!  Every white girl in Orange County doesn’t want implants honey!

Tamra’s dumb ass said Ryan was trying to “take off where he left off with Gretchen!  We can’t help but laugh at this bitch.  It’s ‘pick up where you left off’ dumb ass bitch! 

Those other bitches at the pool party were so fucking mad at Gretchen!  They’re paying more attention to her than their so called kids and husbands. 

For all of the loyal H&V readers out there, you’ll recall us saying a week or so ago that karma was a bitch and Vicki [and Tamra] were going to get some of their own, right?  Ya’ll remember last week when Vicki was trying to embarrass Gretchen at the dinner party by helping her lose control?

Okay, fast forward to Vicki’s backyard for a networking group’s Coto Chapter that she started.  They meet weekly to talk about how to make more money, basically.  We guess they were honoring Vicki with an award for founding the chapter and instead of saying thank you or pretending to be humble, this bitch points her fingers to her brain and brags “You know what?  Think it, build it and they will come.  Look at this”!  At the very moment when some were laughing because she’s so arrogant and the others were slightly clapping because nobody really knows what to do when someone starts bragging in front of you about how fucking brilliant they are……VICKI FALLS FLAT ON HER FACE!

EVERYONE started laughing out loud!  EVERYONE!  She broke the award and Don even said “she ate it”!  This shit is hilarious.  Then Jeana says….“ooooh there’s a step there”!  Then her old smart ass fucking son came over telling her she should be more graceful.  He wouldn’t say shit like that to a black mama because a black mama woulda slapped his ass into next week!  Bitch ass Michael.  We just don’t like him!

It turns out that Lynne actually worked for one whole year!  Wow, she’s ready for retirement now.  H&V will give credit where credit is due.  Frank was diagnosed with cancer and probably couldn’t (or didn’t want to) work.  So, Lynne started selling bedazzled jewelry in order to make some money!  Way to turn cut and paste boredom into a collection called Cuff Love!  We don’t know where you can buy the shit, but it retails for $225.00-$375.00!  She’s trying to get her handmade (bedazzled) jewelry picked up by boutiques and high end department stores.  Now her younger daughter, Alexa, wants a piece of the action.  Like most parents, Lynne thinks her daughter is creative and talented!  Ya’ll can buy the shit if you want to, but H&V wouldn’t wear jewelry designed by someone who thinks wearing a stripper’s dress is “classy”.

Greedy Gretchen was in a tizzy at lunch with Jeana because one of Jeff’s five ex-wives showed up at the hospital to sit by his side for a week.  Turns out Jeff’s kids don’t worship Gretchen as much as she wanted the world to believe.  His son, Jake, told mommy dearest that Jeff was always alone!  Gretchen acted like she was way off base.  We weren’t there, but damnit something ain’t right. 

Then Gretchen goes on to say that it’s hard to get to know Jeana because she only lets people know what’s good about her!!  Gretchen, boo, what the fuck are you talking about?  Jeana is pretty much an open book!  We all know that she’s depressed half the time, she’s fat, until Matt moved out, she still didn’t have privacy or control of her own damn house!!  I mean, who the fuck wants strangers to know that shit about them?  Maybe she just doesn’t like to open up to your ass, girlfriend! 

Aww shit, Lynne done started with Vicki.  They told her “classy” ass that Vicki will fuck with you when she’s ready.  We’re going to give this one to VickiLynne is so out of touch with how hard administrative assistants work that she still fucking calls them secretaries!  Dumb ass.  Ya’ll see she didn’t flip Vicki off  to her face.  She would have been eating the chemically injected finger had she put it in Vicki’s face.  We just sayin’…

Anyway, they’re on their way to Fred Segal for some shopping.  They’re putting together scents to represent their personalities.  Vicki said that she’s “strong and determining”!  She told the scent lady that she is a businesswoman who knows what she wants and usually gets it.  Well why doesn’t she want a new hair style and go out of her way to get that!

Speaking of Vicki, she was actually trying to help Greedy Gretchen out during their chat at lunch.  Jeana, too, as a matter of fact.  They both told her ‘bitch, your full time job is taking care of that man.  you best to have him sign something or else you’re fucked if/when he dies’.  Say what you want about Vicki and yes, she’s not our girl anymore either, BUT she and Jeana were right.  Gretchen knew it too, which is why she asked them what the fuck she should do.  Here goes Ms. Obsessed with youth but ain’t been young in 2 decades, Lynne, saying that she was “taken back” by Vicki and Jeana being all about the money.  First of all you no-money-havin’-stay-at-home-and-wait-for-my-husband-to-leave-me-broke wife, IT’S TAKEN ABACK dumb ass!  Second of all, take those stiff bracelets out of your ass and realize that everyone’s fucking situation ain’t like yours.  Gretchen had every right to at least ask Jeff to take care of her when he passed.  He ain’t have to take her up on it, but she had the right to ask since even by his own admission, she takes great care of him all the time!  These bitches make us shake our heads weekly.  At this point, bring back the NY Housewives!!  At least those pretentious ass broads understand how shit works!  It’s really easy for Lynne to talk about money isn’t everything because her rich ass husband designated her as the primary beneficiary on all his shit!  Vicki wasn’t taking offense about her husband; she was just trying to explain to Lynne’s simple minded ass the realities of Gretchen’s life and Jeff’s impending death!  Yes, H&V said impending!  Lynne really sounds like the stereotypical white woman in Orange County.  “Look at her.  She’ll be fine.”  You know what, that attitude is no better than being all about the money!  That’s basically what Lynne is saying…‘If Jeff dies, she’s beautiful and will be able to find another muthafucka to take care of her’!

Our last bit of advice is to Lynne, surprise surprise.  If you’re going to have people at your home trying to impress them to the point of getting your jewelry into their store, Hollywood & Vine suggest you know the ACTUAL name of the store.  It’s Fred Segal…period!  It’s not Fred Segal’s!  And while we’re at it, it’s not Tiffanys or Nordstroms!  Folks breakin their necks to buy shit from these stores and don’t even know the real fucking names!

It looks like next week Shane is going to have his tighty whities in a bunch because Jeana and Vicki came down onto the field after his game.  He had the balls to cuss at Jeana and then tell her she’s lucky he didn’t throw a bat at her when she came down there!  First of all, his injury prone ass better be glad he’s even on a team, let alone a field.  Second of all, Jeana should take a baseball and hit him upside his virgin ass head for talking to her like that.  They need NeNe to come stay with them for a week.  Half this shit wouldn’t even take place with a black OC Housewife.

In a minute…

Inauguration Tuesday Recap…Hollywood & Vine Style

Hollywood & Vine watched a lot of television today…from CNN to MSNBC to ABC!  In true H&V form, we have plenty of shit to say!  We’ll somewhat…somewhat apologize in advance to those who were looking for some heavy duty political blog and got us instead!  Check back later tonight and tomorrow because we’ll continue to update as we watch shit on tivo!

Did anyone else see Howard Fineman from Newsweek on MSNBC tonight?  This fool was talking about ‘it took 400 years, but we have finally climbed the mountain’.  That man was as white as the snow the fell on Green Bay today – he ain’t climbed a mountain since Boy Scouts!  He said the shit like he was black as freshly laid tar!  H&V were like huh!!

All the while, white men were waving to the camera from the trees and niggas were waving laminated Obama pictures in the air that they got from Essence Magazine!

The host wasn’t much better talking about Bush’s last “8 years have seemed ENDLESS”!  Even rich, white people hate that man!  Did ya’ll see Bush sitting at the swearing in of Obama not clapping, lookin like he just finished a 5th of Hennessy before he got there?

Evidently, Senator Ted Kennedy collapsed this afteroon from seizures associated with his brain cancer.  H&V understand that he is fine now and we’re happy to hear it. 

Then when it was all over, Michelle Obama gave Laura the Librarian a parting gifts as in “here you go, get the fuck outta here”! 

Now, who is the sole Republican asshole tryin to fuck with Hilary Clinton…now she ain’t confirmed yet.  He must not know bout Hilary.  That bitch is a cold muthafuckin piece of work.  She’s going to fuck with him for the rest of his career.  H&V doubt his career will last much longer!  Watch!  Hilary will probably call his ass out their first Senate meeting.  All the other white people will be lookin straight ahead like “she’s not talking to me, she’s talking to you BUDDY!”  Ya’ll know how white folks hang each other out to dry like that!

We love how Andy Cooper said he had “no opinion” on Michelle’s gown.  Um, sure you don’t Andy.  Because good looking, stylish, gay men never have an opinion about the First Lady’s Inaugural Ball Gown (wink)!!

Oh Lord, Jason Wu, the Taiwanese dude who designed that ugly ass dress for Michelle, just called in to CNN.  He better be glad he’s a so called designer because a scholar he is not.  Um this and um that.  We’ve heard rappers sound more educated than this man.  In all fairness, Hollywood loved the gown and thought she looked beautiful.  Vine hated it though.  Don’t worry, we’re going to designate and entire post to Michelle and that one shoulder curtain dress with attachments!

Ya’ll were glued to your TVs today.  Tell H&V what you thought of the festivities.

In a minute…

Real Housewives of OC: 1.13.09 Wrap-Up

Better late than never people!  Damn, we are only two people…we can’t watch all this shit on tivo fast enough.

Tamra should have been known the shit that etiquette lady tried to teach her.  She is the perfect example of money can’t buy you class!

Lynne better be glad that Frank married her before she started fucking with all that damn plastic surgery!  She looks a hot ass mess.  And that gut!  She can’t afford spanx?  They had 2 bottles of wine missing, but don’t think either of their trashy ass daughters stole the shit?  What planet are these two dumb ass fools from?  Of course they stole the wine AND drank it.  Raquel was probably the fucking ringleader with her out of control ass!  Did ya’ll see her roundin up the group to head to the bathroom at the bowling alley?  Lynne and Frank better open their fucking eyes because their daughters are on a road to nowhere!

Greedy Gretchen and Jeff’s daughters were saying their goodbyes.  It appears that the kids being in town lifted Jeff’s spirits.  Hollywood & Vine were truly hoping that Jeff pulled through once again, but we found out that he passed away in September.  Evidently, it was right after they finished filming.  So sad, but we hope he’s no longer in pain and in a better place!

Vicki’s brother’s cook out looked like a modern day episode of the Beverly Hillbillies.  No wonder Vicki smothers her damn kids…her own mama can’t stand her ass!  She needs to be smotherin her husband…with her breasts before he leaves her crazy ass!

Is it clear to anyone else why Simon married Tamra?  He won’t even let this cow plan a dinner party for 10 muthafuckas without putting in his two cents.  We think Simon really wanted to tell her to go upstairs and wait for him naked while he worked out the details from with dude from Top Chef!  Arm piece honey, that’s all!

At least now we know that Greedy Gretchen doesn’t just leave Jeff’s side to kick it and get drunk.  She leaves him to do Yoga, too.  Shit, bitch gotta keep her body tight.  Way to keep your priorities straight girl!  Seriously though, H&V don’t know how Gretchen was able to keep it together during all of this.

Lynne had a chat with Raquel about her not drinking and driving.  If she knows that her 18 year old drinks, why the fuck would you buy her ass a damn car?  These fucking stupid ass parents creating monsters!  Maybe her ass should have been a Girl Scout.  She might have had some structure and discipline.  Lynne and Frank might as well move out of that house because Raquel and Alexa run that shit!

Meanwhile back at Tacky Tamra’s house prepping for her dinner party, this bitch is fucking up the floor with that Swiffer!  She has probably never used that shit before, but we digress.  Tamra’s son Ryan pretended that he found Gretchen attractive.  H&V wonder how long he’s going to keep up this charade. 

Simon is as tacky as his wife, calling that woman Greedy Gretchen at the dinner table!  Now we REALLY see why those two married each other.  Why the fuck are they so concerned with Gretchen, Jeff and Jeff’s money?  As long as she ain’t fucking Simon or asking the Barneys for money, they need to leave that girl alone!

Tamra is full of fucking shit, lying about how she thinks of all the ladies as family.  Bitch just did an interview for an OC publication talking about how she’s not here to be friends with Gretchen…that it’s a business relationship!  Keep the shit real.  We can’t stand her ass! 

Straight up, Vicki and Tamra need to get muthafuckin’ lives!  These are two grown ass women, especially Vicki with her middle-aged ass, and they’re plotting on Gretchen like they’re on the fucking playground.  This shit is really pissing us off.  What the fuck is wrong with these women?  So fucking what if Gretchen has a dark side?  Who the fuck does Tamra think she is that she needs to expose it?  We are tellin ya’ll, Tamra is mad because Gretchen looks better than her!  Even Tamra’s gay son said that Gretchen was hotter.

Thank you Lynne and Jeana for trying to be a friend to Gretchen! 

Gretchen said that she hasn’t gotten any in 8 months, but a few weeks ago she bragged about how she and Jeff fuck in the hospital.  Which one is it?  Gretchen, don’t start working our nerves.  Right now we like you, but get your stories straight.

Tamra is a conniving ass broad!  She should have sent Greedy Gretchen home with Frank and Lynne.  She kept her there to help mess up that girl’s life.  That shit will most definitely come back around on Tamra.

It appears next week Gretchen tells Ryan that he turns her on.  Boo, you were drunk as a 4 skunks…anything would have turned you on that night!  To be continued…

What did ya’ll think of the show?

In a minute…

Sheree, Where Them Dollas At?

Didn’t Hollywood & Vine tell ya’ll that Sheree Whitfield [Real Housewives of Atlanta] didn’t have shit before she met Bob Whitfield?  She barely had a high school diploma let her divorce attorney tell it.  We told ya’ll she was not getting a damn 7 figure settlement!  Now, H&V know that we shouldn’t be laughing at her, but damnit this is funny. 

According to the Atlanta Journal Constitution, Sheree’s ass received her settlement last year, but she’s so unhappy with it that she has appealed with the courts.  She got $113,422/year in the settlement – $9451.83/month, but brokezilla claims that she can’t live off that!  She complained about not being able to keep her $2.6 million home.  First of all, if that lion’s den cost her $2.6 million, she would want to not keep it any damn way…with the carpets coming up from the ground and shit lookin raggedy.  She also received a lump sum payment of $775,000.00 from Bob’s retirement, almost half of their property AND CHILD SUPPORT!  What is this bitch appealing?  What the fuck else does she need?  You can afford a roof over your head, your kids are well taken care of ($2187.42/month), and you’re pulling in 10 grand a month because you fucked the right dumb ass nigga!  Greedy!  It’s not like the bitch lives in Cali.  You’re in Georgia.  You can be damn near living like Tyler Perry off that much money each month! 

Note to all the gold diggers, don’t fuck with an NFL player who ain’t been in the league at least 5 years!  Then you can get yourself a chunk of his retirement pension like Sheree did.

Our favorite part of the appeal is Sheree’s attorney saying ” based on her lack of education and inability to earn income”!!  Let us get this straight.  The same Sheree who bragged about having a [failed] business, how fashion is in her and how everyone wants to be like her is now admitting that she’s an idiot and doesn’t know enough to earn money in this world???  Okay, H&V were just checking!

Sheree needed to be worried about her own doorstep instead of trying to sweep in front of NeNe’s.  Say what you want about NeNe, but at least Gregg had his clients paying NeNe DIRECTLY!

In a minute…

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