Hollywood & Vine had to put all this Inauguration shit on hold while we watch tonight’s episode. We do have priorities you know!
The show starts off not really telling us shit about whether or not Greedy Gretchen and Tamra’s “straight” son hooked up! Bravo is going to drag this shit out or half the show. Aight, we’ll play along.
Meanwhile, Jeana’s in Matt “you’re just really overcooked” Keough’s closet because he asked her to send him some of his things. Damnit, Jeana is such a nice woman because H&V woulda been sold his shit!
Her trainer stopped by the house for coffee because we know good and hell well Jeana ain’t about to work out! We love her to death, but she ain’t workin out! What she needs to do is stop paying John to counsel her and tell her what to eat. She should spend a week with H&V instead! We could do the same thing for free and at least she’d have fun. That trainer is boring as shit!
Okay, hold on a minute. Did anyone see those floatation devices under Tamra’s top that she calls implants? She had the fucking nerve to say that Gretchen needs to grow up and stop being jealous of her. Um, bitch, Hollywood & Vine have watched this whole crazy ass season and the one who needs to grow the fuck up if your ass! Furthermore, Gretchen was not jealous of these bitches huddled in a circle talking about how old their fake tits are! Gretchen already looks good just how she is. You think she wouldn’t have bought herself some tits already if she wanted them? Come on now! Every white girl in Orange County doesn’t want implants honey!
Tamra’s dumb ass said Ryan was trying to “take off where he left off with Gretchen“! We can’t help but laugh at this bitch. It’s ‘pick up where you left off’ dumb ass bitch!
Those other bitches at the pool party were so fucking mad at Gretchen! They’re paying more attention to her than their so called kids and husbands.
For all of the loyal H&V readers out there, you’ll recall us saying a week or so ago that karma was a bitch and Vicki [and Tamra] were going to get some of their own, right? Ya’ll remember last week when Vicki was trying to embarrass Gretchen at the dinner party by helping her lose control?
Okay, fast forward to Vicki’s backyard for a networking group’s Coto Chapter that she started. They meet weekly to talk about how to make more money, basically. We guess they were honoring Vicki with an award for founding the chapter and instead of saying thank you or pretending to be humble, this bitch points her fingers to her brain and brags “You know what? Think it, build it and they will come. Look at this”! At the very moment when some were laughing because she’s so arrogant and the others were slightly clapping because nobody really knows what to do when someone starts bragging in front of you about how fucking brilliant they are……VICKI FALLS FLAT ON HER FACE!
EVERYONE started laughing out loud! EVERYONE! She broke the award and Don even said “she ate it”! This shit is hilarious. Then Jeana says….“ooooh there’s a step there”! Then her old smart ass fucking son came over telling her she should be more graceful. He wouldn’t say shit like that to a black mama because a black mama woulda slapped his ass into next week! Bitch ass Michael. We just don’t like him!
It turns out that Lynne actually worked for one whole year! Wow, she’s ready for retirement now. H&V will give credit where credit is due. Frank was diagnosed with cancer and probably couldn’t (or didn’t want to) work. So, Lynne started selling bedazzled jewelry in order to make some money! Way to turn cut and paste boredom into a collection called Cuff Love! We don’t know where you can buy the shit, but it retails for $225.00-$375.00! She’s trying to get her handmade (bedazzled) jewelry picked up by boutiques and high end department stores. Now her younger daughter, Alexa, wants a piece of the action. Like most parents, Lynne thinks her daughter is creative and talented! Ya’ll can buy the shit if you want to, but H&V wouldn’t wear jewelry designed by someone who thinks wearing a stripper’s dress is “classy”.
Greedy Gretchen was in a tizzy at lunch with Jeana because one of Jeff’s five ex-wives showed up at the hospital to sit by his side for a week. Turns out Jeff’s kids don’t worship Gretchen as much as she wanted the world to believe. His son, Jake, told mommy dearest that Jeff was always alone! Gretchen acted like she was way off base. We weren’t there, but damnit something ain’t right.
Then Gretchen goes on to say that it’s hard to get to know Jeana because she only lets people know what’s good about her!! Gretchen, boo, what the fuck are you talking about? Jeana is pretty much an open book! We all know that she’s depressed half the time, she’s fat, until Matt moved out, she still didn’t have privacy or control of her own damn house!! I mean, who the fuck wants strangers to know that shit about them? Maybe she just doesn’t like to open up to your ass, girlfriend!
Aww shit, Lynne done started with Vicki. They told her “classy” ass that Vicki will fuck with you when she’s ready. We’re going to give this one to Vicki. Lynne is so out of touch with how hard administrative assistants work that she still fucking calls them secretaries! Dumb ass. Ya’ll see she didn’t flip Vicki off to her face. She would have been eating the chemically injected finger had she put it in Vicki’s face. We just sayin’…
Anyway, they’re on their way to Fred Segal for some shopping. They’re putting together scents to represent their personalities. Vicki said that she’s “strong and determining”! She told the scent lady that she is a businesswoman who knows what she wants and usually gets it. Well why doesn’t she want a new hair style and go out of her way to get that!
Speaking of Vicki, she was actually trying to help Greedy Gretchen out during their chat at lunch. Jeana, too, as a matter of fact. They both told her ‘bitch, your full time job is taking care of that man. you best to have him sign something or else you’re fucked if/when he dies’. Say what you want about Vicki and yes, she’s not our girl anymore either, BUT she and Jeana were right. Gretchen knew it too, which is why she asked them what the fuck she should do. Here goes Ms. Obsessed with youth but ain’t been young in 2 decades, Lynne, saying that she was “taken back” by Vicki and Jeana being all about the money. First of all you no-money-havin’-stay-at-home-and-wait-for-my-husband-to-leave-me-broke wife, IT’S TAKEN ABACK dumb ass! Second of all, take those stiff bracelets out of your ass and realize that everyone’s fucking situation ain’t like yours. Gretchen had every right to at least ask Jeff to take care of her when he passed. He ain’t have to take her up on it, but she had the right to ask since even by his own admission, she takes great care of him all the time! These bitches make us shake our heads weekly. At this point, bring back the NY Housewives!! At least those pretentious ass broads understand how shit works! It’s really easy for Lynne to talk about money isn’t everything because her rich ass husband designated her as the primary beneficiary on all his shit! Vicki wasn’t taking offense about her husband; she was just trying to explain to Lynne’s simple minded ass the realities of Gretchen’s life and Jeff’s impending death! Yes, H&V said impending! Lynne really sounds like the stereotypical white woman in Orange County. “Look at her. She’ll be fine.” You know what, that attitude is no better than being all about the money! That’s basically what Lynne is saying…‘If Jeff dies, she’s beautiful and will be able to find another muthafucka to take care of her’!
Our last bit of advice is to Lynne, surprise surprise. If you’re going to have people at your home trying to impress them to the point of getting your jewelry into their store, Hollywood & Vine suggest you know the ACTUAL name of the store. It’s Fred Segal…period! It’s not Fred Segal’s! And while we’re at it, it’s not Tiffanys or Nordstroms! Folks breakin their necks to buy shit from these stores and don’t even know the real fucking names!
It looks like next week Shane is going to have his tighty whities in a bunch because Jeana and Vicki came down onto the field after his game. He had the balls to cuss at Jeana and then tell her she’s lucky he didn’t throw a bat at her when she came down there! First of all, his injury prone ass better be glad he’s even on a team, let alone a field. Second of all, Jeana should take a baseball and hit him upside his virgin ass head for talking to her like that. They need NeNe to come stay with them for a week. Half this shit wouldn’t even take place with a black OC Housewife.
In a minute…
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