Real Housewives of New Jersey: 6/21/10

Caroline, Jacqueline and an always late Teresa start off with an Italian lunch discussing Dina’s exit from the show last week.  I know that they have to be dramatic, but why do they spend so much time talking about Danielle when they don’t like her?  I wouldn’t give her crazy ass the airtime, but what do I know?  No matter what they’re discussing, I can’t concentrate on shit else but Jackie’s lips when she’s on camera!  WHY did she do that to herself?

Over to Dirty Danielle seeing a plastic surgeon about her boobs!  WHO ANNOUNCES ON NATIONAL TV THAT THEY HAD A STAF INFECTION?  EWWWW!  You see Kenyon Martin denied his staf infection to the heavens.  I love how Dirty Danielle said last episode that she’s become shy about dating b/c of her body, yet she flashed those infected tits to the doctor and his assistant like she was on set for a Playboy shoot after 5 Patron shots!

Lauren is at beauty school doing Avante Garde day.  Why did they think that black face was a good idea?  I never find that shit funny, but aight.  Mama ‘Line came to check out her investment daughter in action.  Blah blah blah.

Back to Jackie and Chris talking about Ashley’s bad ass!  I try not to talk about people’s kids, but maybe she wouldn’t be such a brat if they didn’t overindulge her already spoiled ass!  They shoulda whooped her ass when she was 5!!!!  If Hollywood or I woulda talked to our moms that way, especially as a teenager, they sho nuff woulda taken us out of this world!  Please believe it.  Ashley is laughing and smiling through her fake ass apology!  I will say though, Jackie and Chris shoulda been more embarrassed to have a man over who fucked Dirty Danielle than they were how Ashley acted!  Just sayin…

What’s up with this tired ass party planner Teresa hired?  First of all, her name is Elvira!  Ain’t that enough?  She is killing me acting like she has all this and that in her home/life, but she’s hired help!  What kind of douchebitch insults a potential client?  I wouldn’t have given her a penny.  Actually, I would….to buy her some tracks and new color for that thin, bad hair!  It’s a housewarming, not the Jersey Shore!

Here comes Ashley with her luggage tryna move back in!  Please.  They know good and hell well she ain’t gonna follow rule the first!  Why are they even entertaining this bratty ass little girl?  There is no negotiating!  Bitch don’t pay the mortgage, the car note or the utilities.  WHY are you people negotiating with her?  She’s a clown!  Ashley was tired of slummin’ w/that soft, broke boyfriend of hers.  I’d wanna move back to.  Difference is my parents woulda acted like they didn’t hear the doorbell!

Over to Mama “Line’s house.  Albie didn’t make a high enough GPA to stay in law school.  He’s so broken…sad.  He has a learning disability and he’s not picking up as quickly as everyone else!  This is fucked up, but Mama “Line has his BACK!  This is why I like her.  I’m tryin not to tear up.  I’m glad that she’s tellin’ Albie not to give up based on what one person says.  Fuck that!  She gave him good advice.  He just has to work harder and he’ll be aight somewhere else.  Trust, another school wants a Real Housewife’s kid on their campus, especially their donating asses!

Posche, for real?!!  It’s a “boutique” where Jackie and Lady T are shopping for post baby wear.  Aight, that Kim D was at Dirt Danielle’s bullshit luncheon to show off celebrate her daughter’s magazine cover!  These broads kill me playing both sides of the fence tryna be on fucking tv.  I wouldn’t hang out w/these two faced hoes if my life depended on it.  And what’s up w/these grown ass women who can ONLY be friends w/someone if they’re ONLY friends w/them and nobody else?  That’s hella childish.  If you trust that person enough to call them a friend, then you should trust that they ass aint shady!

Dirty Danielle is getting her tits fixed, finally.  I love that even right before she goes under, Dirty Danielle is talking about how fabulous she is…how nature has been good to her.  She needs to quit.  You know you’re fucked when your tits are depressed ROFL!!!!  They don’t even know how to fix her shit.  OMG SHE’S GETTING HER BOOBS REDONE IN A STRIP MALL GNR!  That takes the cake.

At Case de Manzo, they’re celebrating Lauren’s upcoming graduation and show love to the boys, too.  Albie is tryna have a little pity party, wantin to be acknowledged for finishing HS and college…you know, shit you’re supposed to do.  Man UP!

Okay, it’s time for T’s housewarming party.  OMG that party planner is  a crack addict!  WTF is wrong w/this woman? 

Oh Lord, Jacqueline called T b/c she feels like shit that Kim G wasn’t invited.  You see, Jackie needs to stop taking in strays.  She did that shit with Dirty D and you see how far that got her!  Kim G sent that text to Jackie on purpose to get an invite.  She knew what the fuck she was doing!  Calculating ass old broads!

Dirty Danielle is coming out of surgery.  She needs some chap stick STAT!  I bet Danielle’s kids were glad that her ass was gone for a few hours!  They can’t stand her ass, especially the older one.  She’s gonna emancipate herself from Dirty D by the time she’s 17…watch!  She is really a crazy person!  How is it that fake boobs symbolize the new your?  They aren’t even really yours you jackass! 

Back to the housewarming, Mama “Line and the Manzos have arrived.  Caroline looks good.  She’s clearly lost a few pounds this season.  Good for her!  And here goes Kim G kissing up!  Let me tell you what she’s up to.  She’s tryna kick up shit this season so that Bravo feels the need to make her a permanent fixture on the show!  I’d bet money on it and I hope they don’t fall for the shit!  Dirty Danielle is all the messiness we need in one cast!  Wait a second, did Kim D just invite herself up into the middle of T’s toast?  Does no one but Caroline and me notice that this ho is out for self??

Why don’t they listen to Caroline?  She be tellin’ them from the gate about not trusting these bitches and nobody listens!  Dumb ass fools!  They’ve been warned!

I know ya’ll watched.  What are your thoughts?

…in a minute…Vine

Real Housewives of New York: Season 3 Finale

This is a first!  Hollywood and I are watching at the same time under the same roof!  I’ll apologize in advance for not having a regular recap.  There’s too much going on with the two of us here that I can’t think to really give you a blow by blow through my eyes…welcome to our chaos!

Oh gawd, Ramona is batting lead off.  WHO is that big haired, Georgia peach lookin’ woman?  I think someone needs to buy Ramona a pair of spanx for a wedding gift!  She’s checking out the Pierre, where she’s going to have her “renewal” ceremony, blah blah blah!

Over to Jill Zarin and Roller Girl!  Lunch at Cirque.  I am so upset that the two of them have gotten to this point, BUT I absolutely think that Jill is doing this for personal gain.  Hollywood loves all she does, but not me.  C’mon Jill, all ya’ll gossip about each other!  Keep it real.  Ya’ll see Jill’s attitude slightly changing while Bethenny is letting her have it?  EVERYONE is a villain but Jill!  She’s the victim all the damn time.  Please honey!  I hope that Bethenny leaves this friendship in the past.  It’s run its course, leave it in the past!

LOOK AT BOBBY VEGAS!  I don’t give a damn.  That is one sexy ass man!  Do you see this gay producer with all those women tryna prove that he’s masculine?  Poor Kelly can’t dress to save her life. Sonja got on stockings GNR!  Who is Jacque?  Another one of Countess Lu’s boyfriends that she picked up while she was still married?  Just askin.  Um, we know what that something is that makes them click…he’s penis!  Hollywood said she’s shocked Ramona didn’t show up…her off beat ass never misses a chance to dance.  Countess, he’s your favorite producer b/c he’s your ONLY producer!  White people, I’m sorry, but nobody there could find the beat if you put it in a Louis Vuitton bag!  Lu didn’t even have the mic near her mouth while she was lip syncing!  Good Lord!

I love that Sonja keeps it real.  She gets so damn drunk she can’t help it!  Yes, Jill showed up unannounced! 

Over to Bethenny’s, she and Jason are packing up her shit.  Snooze, but I am looking forward to new show:)

Back to Ramona, she and Avery are over at Oscar Blondi.  Avery canNOT stand that woman.  Look at her.  She barely wants them to give her a trim!  When she gets old enough to go to college, she might go to another country just to get away from her crazy ass mama!  Ooooh Avery has some Chelsea Clinton hair!

We see exactly why Ramona has that gut!  Every single time this woman is on screen, she has a fucking glass of Pinot Grigio in her damn hand!  How are you gonna be an old ass woman gettin’ drunk before you renew your wedding vows?  She’s drunk as a skunk!  Jill Zarin just surprised her in her suite.  Ramona gave her that drunk person’s side to side sway hug!  And Jill looks like one of the B-52s! 

Now for guests’ arrivals.  Sonja might be loose and bothered by that pesky Memorial Day Weekend DUI, but that bitch is FIERCE!  You betta work!  Simon is lookin’ like one of the Village People (shockingly), Bethenny looks like she’s going to nurse African children like Salma Hayek, and Kelly with those toes hanging over her stripper shoes is a mess!  She is so UGH!  Countess Lu looks boring and I actually think that Alex looks better than EVER!  I gotta give it up to her even though Hollywood think she looks like the Wicked Witch of the East.  Back in the suite, Ramona is stressing over her “notes”, but Mario isn’t trippin.  As long as he can lay pipe in that suite 2 hours after the ceremony, he don’t care!!  OMG, Jennifer said “would you ever pay that person to plan your event”?  I TOLD YOU!!  She is as old and dusty as the event planning profession.

Do ya’ll see Coco in that blue dress matching Avery?  THAT is why animals attack humans.

Look at the jive turkey playing the clarinet!  He looks like one of the Five Heartbeats! 

Awww, Ramona’s vows were actually very sweet and kind!  Mario’s too!  That was very endearing!  Truly. 

I’d like to know what 16 year old Kelly knows with a gut like Ramona’s!

Well, a fairly uneventful finale.  Hopefully LuAnn won’t make any more music and Bethenny’s show will be a good time.  We’ll be watching.

…H & V…in a minute