DWTS 12: Week 4 Recap

Before we get started with “Classical Week”, I need to know why they refuse to dress Brooke Burke in flattering clothes.  It’s like they go all out for the dancers and hand Brooke a Macys gift card only good in the juniors department.

As the “stars” took the stage in the intro, Kirstie was visibly subdued.  I don’t blame her, but as an actress she’s not hiding her nerves well.

Romeo and Chelsie are first out the gate.  After last week, they really only have one way to go and that’s up.  Lord, he’s flexing his little bird pecs while rehearsing the Paso in studio.  He’s doing a good job.  Mainly cuz the stiffness in this dance suits him.  They judges will love it.  Carrie Ann “Lift Police” Inaba better call them on that, but he’s black and took his shirt off at the end so she’ll probably let it go.  Bruno’s fallin out over his six pack.  Ooooh wow, I stand corrected.  She did call him out, but loved his “swagga”.  When can we retire that word?  Please!  23 total!  At the end of his interview with Brooke he asked people to add him on Twitter.  I love that Hines Ward was sitting behind him stone faced with a “he’s beneath me” look.

Kendra and Louis are up with a Viennese Waltz.  This should be a disaster considering one should be graceful to pull this off.  Kendra’s about as graceful as a 4 month old tryna walk.  She decided to dress like a “gangster” so it’s no longer the Viennese Waltz…it’s the “Mafia Waltz”.  Would it kill her to show some class?  Okay, here we go.  Wow, there’s some opera singer on stage while they’re performing.  Distracting much!  She’s like a step behind the music.  She had a slight stumble, nothing major, but noticeable nonetheless.  You know, if she would point her damn toes, she would make half this shit look a LOT better.  Bruno didn’t like it.  Carrie Ann is trying to impress upon her that she needs to be elegant!  Len didn’t love it, but didn’t hate it either.  Is Mark in the corner texting LOL?  Total 18.

Sugar Ray’s non dancin’ ass is up next with Anna.  Poor Anna; she deserves a partner she can take to the finals.  Ray asked her to incorporate boxing.  Glad she said no.  NOBODY wants to see you dance-box every damn week.  It’s DANCING with the Stars, not Boxing w/the Stars.  Geez.  Viennese Waltz…let’s see it.  It was far better than any of his previous performances, that’s for sure.  I didn’t love watching him the way Carrie Ann did, but he was much better.  “Balletic”…Brooke coming with the big words this week.  Total 21.

Petra and Dmitry are up.  I still say she wasn’t as fabulous last week as the judges thought, but okay.  It’s a new week.  Seeing her ribs exposed during rehearsals is uncomfortable.  This is a very upbeat Paso.  She’s not going to be able to handle it is my prediction.  Dmitry’s doing all the work.  She’s too stiff!  He’s draggin’ her around the dance floor like a rag doll  with its ribs sticking out!  Basically, it sucked!  She doesn’t fully extend her arms or legs.  It was just a mess.  Len was so so about it.  Bruno is doing a basic striptease and rolling his Rs and carrying on like a dog in heat.  You lie like a rug Carrie Ann Inaba.  Her lines weren’t perfect the first and you know it.  Total 23!  LIES….ALL LIES!

Ralph and Karina are about to bring it with the Waltz.  Book it!  Ralph betta dance his ass off cuz once Karina shows the world her birth canal in Playboy next month, middle America is gonna be turned off.  They’re dancing to some song from Romeo & Juliet.  He’s killing this!  OMG this is so delightful to watch.  Give it up, judges!  Give up some 9s damnit!  That was AMAZING!!  Karina might get her first trophy if he keeps dancing like that!  Fabulous!  WHAT!!  8s from Carrie Ann and Len.  Thank you, Bruno, for that 9!  Bullshit!

Hines is having a tough time with the Paso cuz the music has no lyrics and he dances to the lyrics, not the rhythm.  Ummmm, not a good strategy, but okay.  Oh gawd, Hines did a little patty cake move on his thighs and Carrie Ann is going ape shit.  Girl stop!  It was good though.  Not as exciting as last week if you ask me, which you didn’t, but I’m sure the judges loved it.  He was good.  Not as good as Ralph, but good.  Yep, their comments said love.  Let’s see if their scores match.  There goes Carrie Ann with her 9 paddle@@  25 total.

“Still to come, the woman who hit the deck last week…”  LMAO!  Bergeron is a fool for that, but I digress.

Chelsea and Mark also have nowhere to go but up.  I don’t give a damn what the judges said, last week she did not dance well.  Watch it back, you’ll see how stiff she truly was.  BTW glad the extensions are out.  Ooops, spoke too soon.  Okay, she’s dancing it well, but I’m not feeling the choreography.  I think that it had an unnecessary darkness to it, which seems to be a theme for Mark this season.  Let’s see what the judges say.  Len didn’t like it either!  He said pretty much what I said.  Bruno thought she danced better than anyone else tonight.  Carrie Ann loved the choreography.  It WAS good, but it didn’t work in my opinion.  Me thinks Mark needs to leave the weird black earrings and finger nail polish off camera and out of his choreography.  Total 26.  So far they’re at the top of the leader board.

Chris and Cheryl are taking on the Paso.  I do believe he’ll dance this well.  I couldn’t type while they danced cuz I was totally committed, as was Chris.  It was very good, but I didn’t find it to be as exciting as I thought Cheryl would have made it.  It wasn’t explosive.  No climax, if you will.  Okay, Len pretty much just said the same thing.  I need to be a guest judge.  Total 23.  Deserving.

My pick, Kirstie, is last, but not least.  Dancing the Waltz.  Oh come ON, TWO singers on stage during her performance?  She’s losing weight btw!  HOLD UP, something happened to Kirstie’s shoe while she was on the floor and she got up late!  Then she messed up again and Maks rolled his eyes/laughed sarcastically.  WTF is going on with her?  AHA, I rewatched and saw her shoe came off!  Carrie Ann was right; she just never seemed connected to the number.  Len didn’t like much about it, but Bruno loves it.  Those singers didn’t help the situation.  If one dancer had those distractions, they all shoulda had em.  Total 22!

I think the bottom 3 should be Petra, Sugar Ray and Kendra with Ray going home, but I fear Kirstie might be in jeopardy after two weeks of mishaps.  Who do you think is going home?

Update:  The 3 couples in jeopardy were Petra, Sugar Ray and Chelsea.  Sugar Ray Leonard went home.  Told ya’ll LOL!

…Vine…in a minute

DWTS 12: Week 3 Recap

I apologize for being MIA last week.  I don’t remember where I was, but if I missed DWTS you know I was busy for real.

This week each “star” has to do a dance that tells a personal story about themselves.  First up, Wendy “How You Dancin” Williams.  Evidently Wendy used to sleep in her car and take ho baths at rest stops in between jobs while pursuing her radio dreams.  She might not can dance, but I give it up to her for following her heart.  Yep, I have a heart!  Here she and Tony go with the Fox Trot to Last Night a DJ Saved My Life LOL!  Len is going to HATE this, but I have to say, she is lookin way more comfy on the dance floor than the first 2 weeks combined.  I say improvement!  Told ya.  Len said it was a dance more suited for the radio.  Dayum!  Carrie Ann and Bruno pretty much felt the same way.  15 total.

Chelsea and Mark are up next.  She chose the song “Chelsea” which was written for her by her first love.  Cheese!  She couldn’t find a different life story than that?  Anyway, cha cha cha coming up…Uh oh, they done put a weave in her head.  Guess you can’t be flirty with short hair.  If she moved in the bed the way she just moved on the dance floor, that dude broke up with her.  That was sooo not sexy.  She did the steps, but she was stiff!  I knew the judges were going to like that bull.  They need to quit.  8s from Len and Bruno?  Stop it!

Chris Jericho and Cheryl dancing to Let It Be (I hate the Beatles).  Hi mom was in an accident and he wanted to give up wrestling to take care of her and she wouldn’t let him.  Sadly, she passed away in 2005, but he said she always loved dancing.  The song reminds him of his mother; he even played it at her funeral.  I bet this will be a very good, yet awkward, Rumba.  Wow!  That is why Cheryl is a pro.  That was the most tasteful Rumba I’ve ever seen on DWTS.  I’m sure that his mom would be so proud of him.  That was great.  Carrie Ann is choked up.  I actually surprised that Len is giving him a bit of shit about his arms.  I was sure they wouldn’t say one bad word about that performance cuz of the back story.  Bruno just said what I said, that it managed to not be a sexy dance, but more elegant.  They gave Chelsea 8s, let’s go.  Oh c’mon son, 21!  I’m really tryna watch my language, but that’s bullshit!

Kendra’s trashy ass and Louis are up next.  Hopefully she doesn’t have to try to act like a lady again.  She’s telling a story about her and Hank meeting and falling in love, but then people were wondering why he was marrying her after Hef, being a stripper and all the other shit that ya’ll know you wondered about Hank!  Um, since when does Hank play in the NFL?  A) who picked him up and B) ain’t nobody playing football boo, but I digress.  I think it’s a Rumba.  I predict a disaster cuz ain’t nothing sexy about her.  I’ll be constructive for a minute.  She needs to watch her facial expressions.  I could tell a couple times in the middle that she was messing up.  Hank is such a sucka.  I didn’t even pay attention to her score, but they seemed happy about it.

Romeo and Chelsie are up next.  I remember last week they loved his Quick Step.  Not I!  I’m not as impressed.  Anyway, he chose the song “I’ll Be There” cuz he lost his cousin in a car accident that he witnessed.  Then he lost a second cousin who was jumped and beat to death.  Again, another Rumba that should convey love and loss, not sex and passion.  I’m tryna be serious, but this ninja is wearing high heel shoes with tube socks and basketball shorts!  If they weren’t crazy about Chris’ Rumba, they ain’t gonna love this.  He hasn’t moved his hips ONE TIME!  It’s too hard and sharp.  If they don’t talk about that, I’ll know the fix is in!  Len pretty much liked it, but mentioned his heel leads.  Carrie Ann thought his movements were refined.  THANK YOU LEN!  He said this week he took a huge step back from last week.  Score – 20!

Hines and Kym are up dancing to “Fantasy” [EWF].  His mom used to love the song and worked hard to ensure he had a better life than she did.  So he wants to thank her.  Tonight he’s dancing a Samba.  What I wanna know is what’s the reason that he can’t get a closer shave on his head than that?  Just askin.  He started off on the wrong beat, but he’s sitting in it now.  They messed up a couple times, but I actually enjoyed watching him dance this week.  Lots of fun.  Solid.  Give it up judges…well, I know Carrie Ann will love him cuz he’s half black.  Len said he’s proud of him. Bruno said it was uplifting, as well.  Yes, really good, BUT was that his brother in the audience next to Mama Ward?  Damn he was fine.  Aight, for the score – 25!  Well deserved!

Petra and Dmitry are Waltzing.  I missed her story, but she’s so boring that I don’t want to rewind.  Uh oh, Carrie Ann aka The Lift Police had to have seen that damn lift!  She is just awkward out there.  Her shoulders sit up too high, her arms don’t fully extend.  Please stop voting for her.  Here goes Len with that bullshit saying Petra is the one to beat after that Waltz.  Lies!  All lies!  C’mon Carrie Ann, keep it real.   Nope, all three of them were with the bullshit!

Sugar Ray Leonard and Anna are up next.  Bless his heart.  His personal story is about beating the odds.  Professionally he said he was doubted and he overcame the critics and became a winner.  He vows to do the same on DWTS.  Uh, okay.  So Paso it is.  OMG, he’s dancing to My Prerogative!  I can’t!  He’s got the boxing announcer introducing him, but even that ain’t gonna help.  Lord help, this is whack!!  This is horrible!  If the judges say anything other than that, I might quit this damn show.  I mean, AWFUL!  Okay, Bruno is talking about how he can see Ray’s penis bulge.  This is the twilight zone.  Carrie Ann loved it, too!  Len said he did well!  LIES I TELL YOU!  He’s a legend in the ring, but on the dance floor he sucks!  20 total.  Len said it was great, but gave him a 6!  Mmm hmmm!

YES, now the show starts for me.  Kirstie and Maksim are up next!  They’re doing a Rumba.  She chose “Over the Rainbow”.  She moved to L.A. in 1980 and gave herself one year to become an actress.  She then got a call that her parents were hit by a drunk driver, her mom died and her dad was dying.  Within 3 days, she got a role on Star Trek.  Damn he’s hot.  OMG SHE JUST FELL ON HIM!  He tried to get back into it but was obviously hurt.  Oh dear lawd, I can’t watch.  Okay, I’m watching and my girl recovered very nicely!  Damnit that would have been a great performance!  Carrie Ann loved it and so did Len, in spite of the flubb.  Bruno made it 3 for 3.  Maks claimed his thigh gave out and that he was responsible.  I didn’t believe it until they just replayed it.  It really wasn’t her fault.  She was able to pull out a 21!

Ralph and Karina will Rumba next.  I’m not thinking this is going to be too good, but let’s see.  He chose a song from The Outsiders, the movie that launched his career.  He said some stuff about his wife, but I tuned him out.  Again, no hip action.  24 years his wife has been married to him and he has no hip action.  Po thang.  This is bad.  Kirstie fell in the beginning of her dance and it was still more entertaining to watch than that.  Let’s see his scores.  Tell it, Len!  No hips.  Bruno told him that his arm and hand movements are too harsh.  Carrie Ann thought it was a “sweet Rumba”.  Yeah, cuz that’s what everyone wants in a Rumba.  21!

Who did you love tonight.  For me, Hines and Kirstie stole the night!

…Vine…in a minute

Dancing w/the Stars: S12 Week 1 (Live Blog)

Chelsea and Mark are up first and they came out the gate fighting!  She’s very good!  Oh, a little bouncy toward the end; Len will hate that, but still fun to watch.  Overall I think the judges will love it.  If she can get people to pick up the phone and vote for her, she’ll go far.  7, 7 and 7.  800-VOTE4-01.

Wendy Williams and Tony Dovolani are up after the break!  How you dancin? OMG, Wendy, I love you, but you gotta sneak some of your talk show wigs to the DWTS set.  I watch her show so I know she can’t dance, but I’m still nervous that she’s going to fall over.  That’s a big mamma jamma!  Here we go…Well, um, okay.  She’s doing the steps without looking at her feet so that’s a good start LMAO!  I mean shit, she did the best she could.  Len is going to beat her up though!  Good Lord.  Bruno said she looked like a virgin out there!  5, 4, 5. 800-VOTE4-02

Hines Ward and Kym Johnson, I have a feeling this is going to be ugly.  He can’t get a closer shave on his head than that?  I’m distracted…but I digress.  Oh my, he moves his butt and his hips a bit too well for me.  Not in a sexy way AT ALL!  In a midtown Atlanta kind of way.  Cue Carrie Ann falling out over the obligatory minority male athlete…and scene!  Len liked it a lot and Bruno climaxed right before our eyes!  Scores after the break.  7, 7 and 7. 800-VOTE4-03

Petra Nemcova and Dmitry Chaplin…if she dances anything like her promo, she’s in trouble!  I can only imagine how tough it was for her to be dancing when she got the news about the tsunami in Japan.  I can, however, imagine how excited DWTS producers were at the timing.  Sad, but true!  Okay, she’s Foxtrotting.  Since her pelvis was broken in 4 places during the Sri Lanka tsunami, her flexibility isn’t too great. She did a respectable job, but she was boring to me.  Nope, not b/c it was a fox trot…she was just boring!  All the judges like her, but want her to improve greatly.  6, 6 and 6  800-VOTE4-04

Romeo and Chelsea Hightower are up!  Tony can deny all those rumors on her behalf if he wants to.  I’d bet money Romeo is tappin’ that!  OMG he left his doo-rag on for the cameras.  Oh yes, she is out there dancing like Cheryl when she has a partner she’s sleeping with (allegedly).  That was a trainwreck.  I’m sorry, from the tongue sticking out like he was on the basketball court to doing the dougie and shit!  And Carrie Ann needs a cold shower!  For once, I hope Len calls him on that mess.  He can do SO much better!  7, 6, and 6.  Carrie Ann is trippin.  800-VOTE4-05.

Sugar Ray Leonard and Anna are up.  He’s still in great shape.  Fox Trot to my favorite Huey Lewis song…don’t judge me.  Anna basically danced around him throughout the performance.  I think she could have done better by him.  Oh gawwwd, Carrie Ann said he reminded her of Ben Vereen.  Len said the dancing level was low.  Bruno wants to call him “Suga”.  6, 5, 6  800-VOTE4-06

Kendra’s trashy ass and Louis are up now.  I cannot stand this woman and they paired her with my man, Louis.  Lord, she’s falling all over her own feet, laughing about how she still dances like a stripper.  Kendra couldn’t do a classy performance if you paid her!  Commercial…She was determined to shake her ass in that performance.  She was actually counting during her performance.  Between her tryna be sexy and Hef’s old ass in the audience sitting next to her husband, I was paralyzed during the whole mess.  Pam Anderson was better!

Ralph Macchio and Karina Smirnoff…Lord forgive me, but he has NOT aged well.  My goodness he looks bad.  Okay, he’s 49, I’ll take some of that back.  Not all, but some.  He does look aight for 50, but damn.  Fox Trot.  Uh oh, hey now, Karina did some work on him!  I’m smiling!  OMG he’s pretty damn good!  WOW!  I’m totally shocked.  Standing O from the crowd and deservedly so!  He killed it!  He’s in it to win it.  Scores after the break!  8, 8 and 8  800-VOTE4-08

Chris Jericho and Cheryl Burke..Cheryl said that ballroom dancing is all about a man and woman connecting w/one another and nobody does that better than her.  No shit…allegedly!  This is already starting off bad.  He clapped for 8 counts and she danced around him for 4.  He is TOO BIG to be swirling his body around like that.  Wardrobe needs to do something to disguise those guns.  It didn’t work for me.  He did a decent job, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t know.  YES Carrie Ann, it was like a Chippendales performance.  He did it right, but there was no content.  7, 6, and 6  800-VOTE4-09

Mike Catherwood and Lacey Schwimmer – Evidently he hosts Love Line w/Dr. Drew.  Never heard of him, but he’s dancing with my girl so I’ll give him a chance.  I want Lacey’s hair to not look like that ever again.  Aight, Fox Trot.  He’s bad, but not a lost cause.  He has a ton of personality and with some work might be able to sell it better.  Yikes, he has a Jive next week.  Well shoot, one bad week at a time.  I missed his score and I’m guessing he’s 800-VOTE4-10  Kidding, here are the scores 5, 4, and 4.

My girl, Kirstie Alley and Maks are hopefully ending the show with a bang!  I’m expecting her to do her thing.  A dancing with the stars ho LOL!  She’s hilarious!  What is she, 50 or 60?  She’s still attractive if you ask me.  Love her.  WORK IT BITCH!  She was GREAT!  I knew it!  One of these seasons ya’ll will learn to listen to me:)  8, 7,  and 8!  Len, don’t start!  800-VOTE4-11

My predictions – Final 4: Kirstie, Chelsea, Ralph and Hines with Kirstie for the win!!

Who was your favorite tonight?

– Vine

Dancing w/the Stars 11.2.10 Results

I hope I’m not the only one that expected Rick Fox to go home tonight!  Rick had great scores last night and the ladies love his ass.  So why didn’t viewers vote?  You know I’m gonna tell you why.  He put the nail in his coffin when he let his white girlfriend come into the studio ON CAMERA and jump his bones, takin off her jacket talkin’ about “you wanna show her how we do it at home baby?”.  Actually, we don’t and I know Cheryl didn’t cuz she probably wants to tap that her damn self, but I digress.

Here’s the thing, the average American watches this show.  The average American does not want to see a sweet, innocent white girl being turned out by a big, tall ass black man!  On top of that, many blacks don’t wanna see it either!  He was doomed from the start of that video clip!

Note to DWTS “stars”, people watching at home will or won’t pick up the phone and vote based on what they see in that video, not just what they see on the dance floor.  So all your bedroom activity, whining, diva bullshit and complaining about the judges will always get you kicked off.  The Situation, that girl Derek pretended to like, Shannon Elizabeth and the list goes on!  Watch yourselves.

Who do you think is going to win this season?  I’m still ridin’ with Brandy!

Vine…in a minute

Dancing w/the Stars: S11 E2 (Live Blog)

As I’m watching all of the “stars” dancing at the opening, I want Jennifer Grey to stick to choreographed moves.  Now that we’re without the sex bomb Hoff, I can cringe a bit less tonight.

We’re starting off with Rick Fox and a Jive.  I LOVE this dance.  I hope he can pull it off.  He has a tendon issue.  Let’s see how this works out.  He’s actually a good partner.  She’s not draggin his ass all over the floor like Chelsie is doing w/Michael Bolton.  Cheryl’s ass thinks she’s slick putting all that ass slappin’ in the routine!  I see you Cheryl.  That was a lot of fun.  He wasn’t perfect, but he was pretty good for a Week 2 jive!  See, the judges are sayin’ exactly what I’m saying.  Ya’ll think I’m crazy, but I speaketh the truth:)  Let’s see what all that means for scores…21!  Not bad.  (Commercial)

Up next, Florence Henderson.  I know she’s America’s mom, but she ain’t mine.  She bores me, but aight let’s see her Quick Step.  Hopefully it’s not more like a half time step!…….Ummmm.  Didn’t I just say the half time step?!  That’s what it was.  I’ve seen people mover faster running through a club when I fight breaks out!  That was terrible.  Okay, Bruno said she looked like Driving Miss Daisy LOL!  Carrie Ann liked it and thought it was elegant.  Oh stop it, Carrie Ann.  It’s okay to tell a 76-year-old that she sucked!  Len loved it, too!  They need to quit.  They know good and hell well the producers told them to keep her around!  Now for her scores…Wait a minute, why does Brooke Burke even have on a dress?  I think I actually saw her implants shift that damn dress is cut so low.  Flo got a 19!

Alright now Brandy!  Bring it bitch!  She and Maks are arguing in rehearsals.  WHY do these celebrities argue with their pro partners?  Listen to what they’re tryna teach you and MOVE ON, damn!  She better Jive her ass off after that.  Oh gawd, she did a little booty shaking mid dance.  Len is going to HATE that!  Oh geez, Sassy Sarah Palin is in the audience tonight.  I’m going to throw up!  Back to Brandy, she didn’t have much attack or sharpness tonight.  Carrie Ann didn’t like it!  Len thought she took steps backward from last week.  Yep, Len said that she didn’t dance with intent!  Bruno said she was only okay and she wasn’t sharp or precise enough!  Mmmm hmmm.  (Commercial)  21 for Brandy! (3406)

Michael Bolton better not come with another cringe worthy performance!  He’s doing a jive.  I am not expecting too much from him.  For real Chelsie?  You want him to crawl out of a dog house cuz you’re dancing to hound dog?  The pros KNOW that Len hates that shit.  Just get to the dancing already.  This is already fucking dumb!  I made it through like 3 people without cussing.  I tried.  Sorry folks, I can’t watch!  He O-fficially needs to be sent home tomorrow!  Do not vote for this man LOL!  I see why Nicolette Sheridan laid him off.  If he moves like that in bed, well never mind!  He better get lower than a 15 cuz that’s what he got last week and last week was better!  Len said that Michael’s jive needed a pooper scooper to finish it off LOL!  Hilarious.  Bruno told him that he shoulda kept the bone and gone back into the dog house LMFAO!  I’ll say this much, yes he’s a bad dancer, but Chelsie did him a disservice as his professional partner with that bullshit!  OH EMM GEE he got a TWELVE LMFAO!!  Bruno gave this mofo a THREE!  DAYUM!

Audrina and Tony are up next.  I think she’s gonna do a good Quick Step..an ACTUAL quick step, Flo!  Here go the tears.  She’s sad cuz she barely gets to see her latest loser boyfriend and it’s taking a toll on their “relationship”!  Spare me your sob story and dance!  Audrina did her thing tonight!  That was good.  I hope Carrie Ann gets on her about not pointing her toes like she did Brandy.  Aight, Bruno liked it although there were issues at time.  Carrie Ann I guess overlooked that b/c she only sang her praises.  Len said it was the best performance of the night…so far and he was right!    Wait, Tony said in rehearsal that if they don’t get three 8s he’s gonna wax his legs LOL!  Here’s one…two….and Bruno gave them a 7 LOL!

After seeing Jennifer Grey try to dance in the opening, I’m afraid about her jive.  Then again, Derek made it look like Brooke Burke could do any dance.  So she should be fine.  Oh wow, Jennifer found out she had cancer via a routine check up for the show.  She can move very to choreographed steps.  She’s getting it.  Losing a little gas midway through, but hanging on.  She did great, but Audrina was better!  With those extensions in her hair, she actually looks like the Jennifer Grey we all remember.  If I have to hear Brooke talk about how she remembers doing this dance and that dance one more time, I might turn this off!  Scores…24!  Hmmmmm.  I don’t know, but okay.

Oh gawd, Sarah Palin is sitting with Tom.  I know Bruno hates her ass.  For real, Bristol the Pistol?  I could vomit.  I wonder how all of the gay pros feel about her being there knowing that she thinks they are vile individuals!

Margaret Cho up next.  She said people were shunning her ass last week cuz they just knew she was going home.  So did I, but I was wrong.  Louis is tryna keep her from being funny on the dance floor.  Good!  This is a dance competition, not a comedy showcase.  If we wanna see that, we’ll buy tickets to see you live.  (commercial)  Okay.  Why does she look like someone just robbed her.  Uh oh, get it Marge.  Ooops, spoke too soon.  She’s a little wild and keeps forgetting the steps, BUT the steps she does remember she’s puttin her back into ’em lol.  Hey, at least she had fun out there.  I hope she enjoyed it cuz the judges are going to eat her up!  Len was kind.  He just said work on the kicks.  Bruno said that she was all over the place, too.  He also said that when she was relaxed she danced better.  Ya’ll are gonna start listening to Hollywood and me LOL!  Carrie Ann encouraged her fellow Asian American.  Score…18.  Louis doesn’t like the triple 6.  I’m with him, but I’ll leave that alone.

Kyle and Lacey are up next.  I really want Lacey to bring her dark hair back.  Why do white women always want to be blond?  Anyway, she put him on a fast food free diet while they’re on the show.  Yeah, cuz he’s really going to stick to that!  Quick Step, here we go…He looks like a shoe shine man.  Get it big boy.  He is doing IT.  Lacey came to play with this partner.  You can see it in how she’s even dancing!  Alright now.  Bring it judges!  Bring it!!  Bruno said that he needs more control.  BOOOOOOOOO!  Carrie Ann loved it!  Len said he was flat footed, his hold was bad, he had no style, BUT he liked it!  Len is such a grumpy ass old man.  We’ll have scores after the break.  Kurt Warner’s jive is coming up, too.  I don’t know how good that’s gonna be….22 for Kyle and Lacey!

Time for Kurt Warner and his good looking self to take the floor.  Uh oh, Anna is whipping him into shape in the studio.  I’m excited.  This might be good!!  Did he just moonwalk lol?  Oh shit, he’s getting into it now.  But she has to stop letting him add his own flare to their routines.  He was decent.  I enjoyed it, but let’s see what the judges say.  Len loved it.  Bruno too.  Straight to the scores…21!  Not bad  with his sexy self!

I already know that The Situation is not going to do well with the Quick Step.  This jackass fool talking about he wants to dance to hip hop or something that he likes!  Is he pigeon-toed?  Here we go.  Hmmm.  He’s trying really, REALLY hard, but it’s just not working.  Oh lordy, he’s messing up steps.  I think Flo actually moved a lot more quickly than he did.   HOWEVER, we cannot let him go home over something small like not being able to dance LOL!  If ya’ll can keep Kate Gosselin around for half the season, then The Situation can stick around for a bit, too!  18!!!!  I LOVE how Sitch acts like Karina is not even his partner.

Bristol I needed Mark to life my leg for me last week Palin is up next.  Oooh lucky Mark, she brought him to Alaska with her.  I’m sorry, I can’t even watch this shit.  I’ll just wait until they hit the stage.  Quick Step She’s doing the moves, but her face is not connecting with her body.  Her face says that she’s getting a pap smear and her body looks like it’s trying to do the quickstep.  WHY are people standing up for her?  She didn’t do shit.  SEE, Bruno said what I said!  I know that Kelly Osbourne is disgusted by Carrie Ann saying that Bristol reminds her of Kelly.  Negative!  OH COME ON LEN…8???  Get the fuck outta here!  She did not HARDLY dance an 8!

Until tomorrow…in a minute…Vine

Dancing w/the Stars S11: Week 1

Sorry that I’m late for the live west coast blog, but I’m here now.

Kyle Massey and Lacey are up 3rd with a cha cha.  Alright now, get it little chubb rock!  He’s doing his thing!  He moves well for a tela tubby.  Lacey might be in it to win it.  Of course he won’t win, but if he keeps dancing like that, he’ll go far!  My goodness he was good!  The judges loved him!

Okay, while we’re on commercial, Audrina Patridge was first to hit the floor.  She can be good and Tony is the right pro to get her there, but she’s gonna need to shake that monkey!  No wonder Justin Bobby never wanted to commit to her!  Just sayin…Kurt Warner was after her.  Anna is his partner.  I thought he looked promising.  Len hated him, natch, but the other two thought he was good.

Alright, we’re back for Kyle’s score.  23!  Up next, Rick Fox and Cheryl Burke!  Oh gawd, she’s like the Kim Kardashian of the damn ballroom.  She never lets a black athlete get by her hot ass!  “Wow, you’re tall!”  No shit Cheryl.  Damnit he is fine as hell!  He is gliding across the dance floor like he’s done this a million times!  You go boy.  This is so good!  Then they ruined it by showing his girlfriend in the audience at the end.  Oh well.  Anyway, Len is ready to have sex with him.  Bruno will be tryna hump him after he does a samba.  Carrie Ann is ready to propose!  So his scores should be great.  22 for them.  Not bad.

Margaret Cho’s ass almost fell walking down the stairs in the beginning, so this is gonna be a train wreck I’m sure.  All of those tats on her look a fucking mess!  Ewww.  Why is she looking like she’s doing a tango?  She looks hella mad.  DWTS couldn’t buy her a girdle?  Okay, I’m gonna stop.  Her dancing was horrible and throwing some alleged comedy into the routine did not help!  Len is gonna eat her ass up.  Wait a minute, Bruno said WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?  LOL!  5s across the board.  15!  Yikes.

Brandy!  HERE WE GO…She might be okay if she’d stop thinking about how gorgeous he is.  Let’s see what she got.  YES, YOU GO BRANDY!  That’s what I’m talking about!  Top THAT!  Top THAT!  She’s so genuinely excited…like a child.  I thought her reaction to the judges praise was refreshing!  The judges gave her 23!  She’s got my vote.

Up next, and it pains me to even type her name, Bristol Palin.  Poor Mark!  She’s in the studio acting like she don’t know how to pop it.  Bitch you have a kid.  Stop frontin!  She has a size does matter t-shirt on for the love of Pete!  OMG LMFAO!  At the end Mark had to actually lift her leg for her LOL!  I mean, she was bad, but she was decent for someone who has never danced or performed in their life.  I’ll give her that!  I missed her score because she bores me.

Florence Henderson is up next!  If she’s anything like Cloris Leachman, I hope they send her ass home sooner than later.  She’s dancing with Corky Ballas.  I don’t get why throw the humor into the routines.  Just get out there and show you can or can’t dance!  That’s an 18 for the 76-year-old Mrs. Brady.

Michael Bolton’s sexy ass is up with his PYT Chelsie Hightower.  She better learn to speak Cat Daddy lol.  Again, let me stop.  Uh oh, this ain’t lookin too promising.  Well, umm err uh…it was his first night.  Damn 16!  Well, he did deserve it, but damn!

The Situation and his abs only had 5 days to train with Karina.  I hope this shit doesn’t make me laugh so hard that my neighbors get mad at me!  GTL in the ballroom!  He is such a clown, I love it LOL!  I don’t even know what to say after that!  I am going to vote for him as much as possible JUST to be sure he sticks around long enough!  That shit was hella funny.  I tried to watch my language, but I couldn’t help it.  Hilarious.  Aight, his score is 15!  A senior citizen did better than him!

Up next, Jennifer Grey aka Baby!  She’s dancing with Derek.  Shocker…NOT!  Poor baby.  She was taken back to being with Patrick Swayze and broke down:(  Very sad.  I hope she does this one for him.  WHAT!!  You betta dance girl!  She has it still.  Ain’t missed a step!  I am really enjoying her!  Awesome!!!  That was so good!  I’m predicting Brandy and Jennifer in the final two!  I love her even more for not giving Brooke Burke much in the interview lol.  She’s as annoying as Samantha.  24 for Baby!

Last up, The Hoff.  I know this is going to be some mess, but maybe Kym can pull this off.  He’s just too cheesetastic for words!  Lord help, he can’t even remember the steps let alone do them.  He needs a drink…or maybe he had some before rehearsal.  Here we go with a cha cha cha.  If ya’ll could see the look on my face right now as this man thrusts his hips dancing to “Sex bomb sex bomb, baby you can turn me on” with fire going off in the background…I don’t even know what the judges are going to say about this.  This was such a hot ass mess!  PLEASE DO NOT VOTE FOR THIS MAN!  He ain’t been sexy in 25 years.  WHY does he think that he’s still sexy?  WHY?  They gave him a 15.  If you ask me, that was generous!

Time for voting.  Who got your votes tonight?  I won’t be blogging live tomorrow for the first results show, but I will post before the night’s over.  Make sure to subscribe to the blog to get the live blogs for the entire season.

…in a minute

Dancing w/the Stars Fall 2009 Line-up…H & V Style

This morning on Good Morning America, the new Dancing w/the Stars line-up was announced!  I know half of you don’t know who half of them are.  So let’s break it down:

Aaron Carter – Pimple faced, geeky little brother of Backstreet Boy Nick Carter and the one who was laying the pipe to dating Hilary Duff & Lynsay Lohan at the same time.

Ashley Hamilton– son of over processed, sun addicted 100 years old actor George Hamilton.  He was also married for 86 days to Angie Everhart and 195 days to Shannon Doherty…real serious monogamist!

Chuck Liddell– UFC beefcake.  Snooze…

Debi Mazar – Actress and former make-up Artist for Madonna.  If she moves on the floor as little as her apparently over Botoxed face, she’ll be gone sooner than later!

Donny Osmond – Needs no introduction!  I love him.

Joanna Krupa – “model” and the broad Terrell Owens texted to call her a bitch.

Kathy Ireland – Former model, horrible actress (Melrose Place) and fierce business woman who made it okay to shop at Kmart.

Kelly Osbourne – Ozzie’s foul mouthed, wannabe singing ass daughter. They might need a 30 second delay for her ass!

Louie Vito– Hella short professional snowboarder.  Snooze..

Mark Dacascos – “The Chairman” on Iron Chef America, martial artist and actor.  ???

Mya– Lawd have mercy! Bad singer, fabulous, trained dancer, Grammy Award winning “Lady Marmalade” participant with Christina Aguilera, Pink, Lil Kim and Missy Elliott.  Now she spends her time tryna find a baller to save her since her career is on the road to nowhere!

Macy Gray – WHO THE FUCK are they gonna get to partner with this big bitch?

Melissa Joan Hart – Sabrina the Teenage Witch star.  I like her.

Michael Irvin– Needs no introduction.  Former NFL great who battled a drug addiction and conquered it.  Ya’ll know DWTS needs at least one black athlete per season…he’s filling the quota!

Natalie Coughlin – Another quota filler.  Gold medal winning Olympian swimmer that people find attractive. 

Tom DeLay – Crooked, US House of Reps Republican who violated laws about misusing campaign funds!  Shocker.

What do ya’ll think of this season’s cast? 

…in a minute….Vine

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Will LaToya Jackson Be Dancing With the Stars?

Word on the street is that LaToya Jackson will be one of the celebrities flocking to the next season of Dancing With the Stars.  I know a lot of people think it’s hella inappropriate, but I say go head then LaToya!

Her publicist wouldn’t confirm or deny, but would only say that she’s a huge fan of the show! 

None of us grieves in the same way, period!  Who are we to say that she is not “properly” grieving the loss of her brother by appearing on a reality show, technically?  We don’t know!  Maybe LaToya needs something to distract her from thinking about Michael day and night.  I say more power to her. 

HOWEVA, if she does the show, bitch betta come out dancing like Mel B!  And please give her someone with flava like Louis Van Amstel or that sexy muthafucka who danced with Marlee Matlin, since Maks said he’s out this season!

Expect live blogs from me if LaToya is on the show.  We will know on Monday morning!

…in a minute…Vine

Dancing w/the Stars: 5/4/09 Recap & Results

I know I’m a day late, but since ya’ll are still Google searchin’ for my recap, here it goes…

We’re down to the Fearless Five.  Nobody is happier about that than your girl cuz they wear me out recappin’ for 10 fuckin’ people.  Two dances this week.  Round 1 is Ballroom.

Shawn and “the boner”are up first.  Hold up, did he call her “baby” a couple times?  Hmmm, what’s up wit that?  Maybe that wasn’t an accidental boner!  None of my male friends call me baby.  Sabrina Bryan blogs the show live each week.  Wonder if she talked about that.  Just askin…Their Quick Step was fabulous, BUT…BUT he is still outdancing her ass!  She does all the moves perfectly, but she has no energy when she dances!  Total – 27!

Next up, Tyand Chelsie.  People are mad that Ty is still there and Chuck’s ass went home last week.  Not me!  Ty might be stiff as a board, but I find him way more entertaining than Chuck and Julie Andrews.  Ya’ll are both record deals and true love…you don’t need the DWTS trophy, too!  Aight, so the Argentine Tango.  Let’s see how this goes.  I think Ty will do well actually.  So far so good..he made a baby mistake.  Did ya’ll see the determination in his face to not fuck up again LOL!  Gotta love this guy.  I thought it was pretty good.  Not the hottest thing smokin’, but good!  SEE..Bruno just said the same thing about determination.  Total – 25!  Not bad for how bad he honestly is.

Derek, Lil Kim and the horse’s mane attached to her head are up next with a Waltz.  I like it so far, very elegant, especially for her, but she looked a bit like a deer caught in the headlights right in the middle.  Damn Tyrese is short and was that Chris Tucker?  He’s so chunky!  Marlee Matlin was in the audience, too.  Love her.  Yeah, Carrie Ann noticed, too.  Something was just a bit off with her.  Did Bruno just call her a Tramp LOL?  Total – 25!

Gillesand Cheryl are up with the Fox Trot.  Ummm, with all the pros in the wardrobe department at DWTS, they can’t put something on Cheryl to hide those fat creases in her back?  I love Cheryl, but that shit ain’t flatterin!  It’s dowright distracting..yes, even from Gilles fine ass.  One day, Bruno is going to leap over the judges desk and maul Gilles…watch.  Total – 29!

Missyand Tony are up next with the Viennese Waltz.  She’s still in some pain, but is dealin’ wit it.  Here we go.  Nobody can fuck with her technique, period!  From the gate she showed she was BACK!  I loved it.  I’m actually tearing up ya’ll.  I know, such a fuckin’ cheeseball.  Bruno is full of shit.  Her pique turns weren’t THAT bad.  Total – 27!

Aight, that’s the end of Round 1.  Oh my gawd, the 3 wannabe pros will be dancing tomorrow with former DWTS celebs.  Lawd, this is gonna be a mess!  I’m gonna say it, I’m glad to see Lisa Rinna back.  I love her.  She’s like fuck it, I’m old but I’m hot…even if I did buy half the shit on my body.  I had enough of Maurice Green last season.  I don’t wanna deal with him again.

The Pros danced a Latin number.  LOVE watching Louis dance.  I could watch his ass all day.  Am I the only one who loves seeing Jonathan and Anna dance together?  Aight, Latin Round is up.

So the rule is that every star must dance a 15 second solo in this round.  Mark and “baby” are up first dancing the Paso Doble.  This dance suits her.  I loved it!  Hot, hot, hot!  WHO is that black ass negro sittin’ next to Tyrese?  Still can’t tell if it’s Chris Tucker or not, but I digress.  Shit, even Robin McGraw was there.  Sorry, back to the show. Tota – 29!  Len needs to get laid giving these 9’s and shit!

Ty and Chelsie are up with the Rumba.  This should be a train wreck of epic magnitudes LOL!  OMG…OMG!  I just watched Ty’s solo.  I am embarrassed for him.  That was more like comedy than dancing, but aight.  That shit was terrible!  Total 21!  He better thank God for that cuz he didn’t deserve more than a 10!

Kim and Derek’s salsa is a total MESS!  That was just a mess from top to bottom baby!  BAD!  She kept fuckin’ up and really, the choreography wasn’t great.  Derek is a great choreographer, but he does not shine when he fucks with Salsa.  I did not enjoy that!  I missed their total.  Sorry.

Gilles and Cheryl are doing the Rumba.  Cheryl is gonna make it look like they’re fucking on the damn ballroom floor!  I already know.  Well, it was good, but I thought Gilles danced it a bit feminine for my taste.  I didn’t love that.  Neither did the judges!  Total – 27.

Missy and Tony’s Samba is next.  WHERE is the fire Missy?  That really pisses me off about her!  She dances like Staci Keibler did.  Tooooo much ballet training and she can’t dance into the fucking ground!  UGH!  Total – 30!  If ya’ll read my weekly DWTS recaps, you KNOW how much I love Missy, but I gotta say…that 30 was undeserving in my humble opinion.  It just was.

Now, I know that Lil Kim was sent home tonight and folks are pissed.  I’m not.  America was not gonna vote for a foul mouthed rapper with a big ole booty and hips who shouted out a federal pen on her first night of competition.  We got Obama…white folks ain’t giving us much more than that! 

…Vine…in a minute

Dancing w/the Stars: 4/27/09 Live Blog & Results

Shit, I almost missed Gilles and Cheryl kickin’ off the show.  Looks like Mr. Good(Big)Bar has a problem with his shoulder.  He got a cortizone shot so now he feels no pain, trust!  Lindy Hop for them.  He’s a little off tonight, like a step ahead of Cheryl here and there!  This has to be worse than his Jive.  I can’t believe this, but they actually made a sexy ass man look like shit with that jacked up ass hair and high water pants!  HATED IT!  The judges can like that bullshit if they want, but that was horrible to me.  Total 27!  They’re playin’ already!

Derek, Lil Kim and her I smelled dog shit grin are up next with the Paso.  You know, if her ass would show up to rehearsal on time, maybe Derek could work on those facial expressions and not just her dancing.  Side note, Derek tweeted the other day that bitch was 3 hours late.  WHAT else does she think she has to do?  Here we go…Kim is working this shit OUT!  Those dog shit faces suit her in this dance AND her back fat has all but disappeared!  You betta work!  That shit was HOT!!!!  Total 29!  Fabulous, but that shit was 30 worthy!

Julianne and 2 buck Chuck are up next.  Cha Cha Cha for them.  Julianne is in some panties with fringe hangin’ from them.  I’m not enjoying this!  Julianne is dancing around him.  Why is that fun for us?  That was bullshit.  I hope the judges call this one right!  Yes…right!  WHAT ARE THEY WATCHING?  They loved it.  I think at this point they’re trying to give decent to good dancers positive feedback so they can focus their negativity on Ty’s ass.  Watch.  I missed their scores, but who cares?!

Shawn and Mark are up with the Samba.  She looks cute tonight, not like a teenager as usual.  Mark looks fucking great!  I thought  that was good.  Not great, but good.  She wasn’t energetic enough for me!  Total 27!

Missy and Tony’s week in training is up.  She has a hairline fracture in her ribs.  Poor baby!  She and Tony performed in rehearsal and here it goes.  Shit, it looked like a fucking rehearsal mark through.  She woulda danced the shit outta that tonight.  Ya’ll already know she’s gettin’ my votes.  Nobody can deny my girl can dance her ass off!  Total 21!  Not bad for what we saw.

Ty and Chelsie are gonna salsa after the commercial!  Here we go.  Chelsie ain’t foolin’ me.  I know good and hell well she knew what Len meant by “had more rise and fall than a bride’s nightie”!  Lord have mercy – she done took Ty to get a spray tan for this shit!  He better bring it after all that.  They’re in trouble.  He’s already walkin’ stiff and they just started.  Umm, how do I say this gingerly?  That was ACTUALLY cool!  I’m shocked as shit.  Chelsie’s choreography is off the charts!  Total 24!  Not bad for them.

Team dances are  up next.  Hopefully there won’t be a train wreck like Susan Lucci’s Cha Cha group last season.  Ya’ll remember that shit?

Aight Team Mambo is first dancing to Single Ladies.  I feel a nightmare coming on!  Melissa (Lacey is taking her place), Shawn and Chuck!  Group section was tight!  Lacey and Tony were HOT!  Shawn and Mark are out doing their solo now.  He’s just outdancing her.  She needs some 5 hour energy or something.  Now Chuck and Julianne.  Really, they should ended with Tony and Lacey/Melissa.  Hold up, these fools just stripped into leotards and tights like Beyonce’s video!  That shit was absolutely hilarious.

Bruno has turned the judging into a Chippendales show!  He has the men standing all up in front of his with their tights on talkin’ about he loves a man who shops in the women’s department LOL!  Total 25, thanks to Bruno’s 9 and love of men in tights!

Team Tango is up next – Kim, Ty and Gilles’ sexy ass.  I’d like to Tango with him.  Aight, sorry.  You know by now I get easily distracted!  I bet this will be good!  OMG, Gilles shirtless.  HOT already.  First up Derek and Kim.  WORK BITCH WORK!  Shit, she just messed up and it showed all over her face.  Damn!  Ty and Chelsie are next.  I know he’s tryna look serious, but it looks more like he’s holdin’ in a shit.  Gilles and Cheryl bringing up the rear.  No, I won’t make another nasty joke LOL!  They were great and the whole group at the end was great!  I gotta give it up to Lil Kim.  She held her own on the floor with the two pro women!  FABULOUS!  Total – 29!

Update – Chuck and Julie Andrews went home!

…Vine…in a minute