Where Reality Meets Rhapsody

Archive for June, 2009

2009 BET Awards Recap – Twitter Style

There was so much going on with that sham of a Michael Jackson tribute on BET last night, that I could bear to review it.  So I thought today, I’d just copy and paste my real time comments about the show from Twitter last night.  Much simpler for me…much funnier for you!

YES! I don’t give a fuck what ya’ll said, New Edition (minus Ricky Bell) served it UP PROPER BITCHES!! YES LORD, THANK YOU JESUS!

Jamie Foxx…that was more like the Mars Walk boo!

Tyra looks like a plus sized model!

Lebron, WHAT did the Jacksons do for BASKETBALL?  These dumb ass niggas!

Really Genuwine?  Your MOST favorite? Favorite is fine all by itself muthafucka!

Wasn’t Keri Hilson the one talkin’ shit about the other R&B chicks? But she’s out there soundin’ like an American Idol reject?  AND chunky?

And I don’t wanna see your dancers ass crack boo.

OMG she’s singing acapella and sounds like Aubrey O’day.

I gotta go against ya’ll east coasters.  I think NeYo looked better without the hat.


I thought NeYo was decent, but you CANNOT fuck up the words to an MJ song playa

Anthony Anderson looks like a Jolly Rancher.

Oh gawwwd, Soulja boy. He sounds like he’s reciting nursery rhymes! How many times I gotta tell ya’ll.

WHY did Taraji look like Pat Benatar?

For real? @souljaboytellem couldn’t NOT show his draws while muthafuckas doing a tribute to Michael Jackson? Ignorant ass niggas!

BET should be ASHAMED of themselves for this BET Awards bullshit.

I already see where this shit is goin.  When we don’t get SHIT no more, we canNOT complain.

T PAIN DOES NOT HAVE A RED PLASTIC CUP ON STAGE?  OMG, I’m about to turn this fucking shit OFF!

We JUST elected Barack into office 2 seconds ago and now this nigga on stage talkin’ about Louis Vuitton? BLACK PEOPLE WE GOTTA DO BETTER!!

Who was NeYo’s beard for the night?

I’m about to unfollow @souljaboytellem after that @betawards performance.  Scally wag tom foolery at its finest!

TRUST, Michael Jackson wouldn’t have wanted his name associated with ANY of this fucking BULLSHIT!

Who is this nigga in the white suit who can’t READ the teleprompter? OMG Fantasia syndrome.

That was Trey Songz who couldn’t read the teleprompter? These illiterate muthafuckas!

Go head By witcha wedding nite lingerie and pointer sister shoulder pads own.

Beyonce woulda been better off singing The Presence of the Lord Is Here!!

These weak MoFos giving this niggerized tribute to MJ hella excuses should be shamed! This is awful.

I don’t give a damn what ppl r sayin, these are PROFESSIONALS! If u canNOT execute in 3 days, then bow out. Don’t put on some bullshit!

Oh lord, jamie foxx talkin’ about he got together w/his boy. Well that’s great, but we aren’t here to talk about your sex life.

I’m about to go to bed…SHANAYNAY AND WANDA????

GET IT Latifah with that 20 inch micro yaki.  WORK BITCH!

Latifah has looked better than EVERY broad so far!

We need to put @BET on a time out for this shit, for real! I’m sorry, if U couldn’t do it right, don’t do it

We will need to put in work ALL OVA AGAIN to get Obama re-elected in 2012 after this shit.

OMG Fabolous is doing nursery rhyme rappin like souljaboy! COME THE FUCK ON BET!!

Why does Jamie Fox look like Knight Rider?

Keith Sweat has an S Curl!

Real Housewives of Atlanta left Kim’s white ass at home.  That’s fucked up!

Lisa Wu looks like she’s going to prom N the 80s.  NeNe looks like TWO brick houses & Sheree looked like she mugged a horse on her way there

Ciara sounds like JLo with that talk/singin@@

Jamie Foxx looks like Jodeci in those damn boots

It’s a sad day for black people when we think CIARA sounded good.

Keyshia, you BESTA SING in that ugly ass outfit! Looking like a 7-11 sized bottle of pepto bismol.


Keyshia looked like cotton candy, sweet as gold, lemme see you tootsie roll!! – Hollywood

Marlon Wayans looks like an 8ball to a coke head socialite in Hollywood.

…and now the BET Awards are victimizing Mike

DOA sounds like someone’s genitals are being amputated with a butter knife!!

Jasmine Sullivan is UNDERrated and Keri Hilson’s broke lookin’ ass is OVERrated! Go figure – Hollywood

Will someone PLEASE pull the plug on Franky and Heffa Tee-Tee??

Que looks like he’s about to hit up an S&M session with Dawn’s ass.

Don Cornelius is old as sin. He don’t even know where the microphone is ROFLMAO

I KNEW that was Johnny Gill in the middle all off beat. – Hollywood

These niggas sound like they in church!

Trey Songz might not can read, but he can SANG

How did all the hoodrats in L.A. get good seats?

Tyrese sounds like he grew up at Mt. Zion! and ya’ll know there’s a Mt. Zion in EVERY city LMFAO

Don Cornelius is about to introduce the Soul Train scramble board at any minute!

Lebron in that little ass shirt. – Hollywood


The O’Jays went from their seats, to the podium to a performance. Don’t tell me SHIT about a few days to rehearse!

Can @souljaboytellem have enough RESPECT to uncross his arms during the O’Jays? Disrespectful ignorant ass dumb niggas.

The O’Jays ain’t miss ONE NOTE OR STEP! Watch and learn!

Debra Lee looks like she’s wearing one of those Project Runway grass dresses!

Alicia Keys looks very pretty….from the neck up!

I need closed captioning to understand what Tiny is saying! She sounds like she has handcuffs in her mouth.

This Baby Boy shit is not funny!

If Jamie Foxx and his sleepover with grown men having ass don’t stop talking about his tour, I’m gonna scream.

If you have to announce that you’re heterosexual, then your shit is questionable!

Now @_maxwell_, THAT is how a grown ass man should look at an awards show! Sang!

LORD TYRA, we all know you got a man girl, you ain’t got to asphyxiate his ass during the show to let the world know.

Y R people bashing Beyonce for not acknowledging Michael during her second award? She gave it up 2 him through the whole 1st speech!!

Get it NeNe! She looked like she wanted to say “Trashyyy Hoooka” LMFAO.

Did this nigga just do the splits???

Who cares if Chris Brown didn’t perform tonite. It’s not like he alone woulda made this shit better!

WHO was that in the audience with the two tone chia pet on the side of her damn head?

Can someone tell me why Drake is the great white hype again?  Shit was terrible to me.

Lil Wayne on top of Drake’s bullshit was like spraying perfume on w/o taking a shower!

What’s up with Lil Wayne & Drake pulling toddlers onstage during that performance. Future video hoes…smh

I know Michael J is SOOO wanting these thugs to stop saying his fucking name LOL. Perez, THIS is when you use thug!

Poor Janet!

Janet wasn’t even supposed to be there, is grieving and still looks better than everyone there!

Overall, the show was a HUGE disappointment.  Unless BET picks up The Game, I will never watch that network again.  Until they provide quality programming for black people, I suggest ya’ll do the same.

What did you think of this foolishness?

…in a minute

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Will Candy Girls Cure Your Sweet Tooth a 2nd Time?

Judging by the amount of people who end up on our site looking for Candy Girls information, people actually give a damn about a Season 2.  Well, according to Brooke (directly from her Twitter – @iheartbrooke), they’ll know by the end of the Summer whether or not they’re getting picked up for Season 2.

We’ll keep ya’ll posted!

…in a minute

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Dirty Danielle – Breaking News!!

Real Housewives of New Jersey leading lady Dirty Danielle Staub, AKA Beverly Merrill, is headed to court today to stop from slimy piece of shit from selling less than flattering pictures of her, as well as the infamous sex tape!

The courts will grant her an injunction, but don’t be surprised if the shit hits the net regardless.  It always does.

…in a minute

source: Reality TV Buzz

Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion: Part I Recap

I’m 22 minutes in and have been to busy shaking my head at this bullshit to type.

One thing became clear to me right away.  Jacque has chosen sides; she’s clearly ridin’ wit the Manzos!  Think back to how certain Jacqueline was about WHAT Dina and Caroline said about Danielle and HOW they said it.  Now all of a sudden when Danielle says that she did try and get the group together prior to the table flippin’ fete, Jacqueline barely let out an “I don’t recall that”mumble under her breath.  Caroline was on her ass like white on rice and Jacqueline has definitely learned her place in the Manzo food chain.  Evidently, it’s pretty fucking low!

Hollywood will totally disagree with me, but I gotta be honest…Danielle is starting to grow on me!  I thought she looked like hell tonight, but she’s growing on me nonetheless!  I just really hate when a bunch of broads sit with their noses turned up at one in particular as if she’s beneath them.  The truth of the matter is none of them New Jersey bitches are perfect.  Danielle’s a con artist, but she was right.  At any given time someone could take a picture of their lives and make it “the book”. 

I just saw Jacquelineshed tears about the miscarriages.  Was it just me or did could ya’ll see in Danielle’s eyes that she wanted to console Jacque?  She’s tacky and arguably a bad mother, but I don’t think she’s a malicious person.  I really don’t. 

Jacqueline is a grown ass, married woman with 3 children.  Caroline, PLEASE let her speak for herself!  Please!  Is that shit too much to ask?  When Caroline started that bullshit blame game on Danielle for the breakdown between Chris, Jacqueline and Dina, I could see the pre-arranged Manzo agreement unfolding.  Jacqueline and those injected lips couldn’t get a word in edgewise.  Glad Danielle asked her to speak up ON HER OWN!

Speaking of, did ya’ll see them damn lips?  She looked like a whole damn family of bees stung her in the lips!  Like Caroline hit her in the mouth with them tits! 

Teresa is officially the dumbest housewife in history!  Jacqueline’s newborn baby is smarter than Teresa.  Straight up!  I could literally sit here and type the reasons until Thursday’s show airs and wouldn’t be stumped! 

Just when I thought I’d give Teresa a little bit of credit, she turned around making ridiculous comments about gays.  Whenever you justify bigotry by saying that you have ___ friends, have had ___ people in your house, or love ___ people, yo ass is a bigot!  Even Andy’s boring ass said he was offended by the comment, but she just turned around and inadvertently called him stupid!  If we had to wait for Teresa to think before she speaks, she’d never say a word!  And what’s up with Andy announcing he’s gay…as if we didn’t know that shit!

Finally, Andy brings up the alleged mafia connection.  Caroline was tremendously offended by the accusations from the media that the Manzos are involved in organized crime.  She said 100% it’s untrue, PERIOD!  Dina shed some tears.  Not sure why; she wasn’t even married to her second meal ticket husband when his father passed away. 

Looks like they’re saving the Danielle gang bang for Thursday!  Why drag this shit out, Bravo?  Just keep the show on for 3 more damn episodes.  Problem solved.

One down, one to go.  What did ya’ll think about tonight’s episode?

…Vine…in a minute

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Real Housewives of New Jersey Finale

Dina and Lexi start off visiting Terrible T’s new house.  Why does she have on a Jersey Girl t-shirt?  Like people can’t figure the shit out by lookin’ at her and listenin’ to her tawwwwlk!  Dina ain’t much better with that sleeveless top on and a damn scarf!  Of course she likes how Teresa dresses…look at her non dressin’ ass!  Only God knows how bad is smelled in that meth lab wine cellar.

Hmmph, we’ll see how much of a not rude person Teresa is when she starts flippin’ over tables like she’s The Nature Boy Rick Flair during a wrestling match.  Yes, I went straight up 80’s…like her damn hair!

Over at Dirty D’s house, she breaks out her modeling portfolio for her kids.  She clearly did that to butter the kids up, makin’ them think she’s cool right before she dropped the hammer on they ass!  Why would you show your kids pictures that you described as hedonistic? 

Aight she said that there were only 3 things true in the book – she was a stripper, she was arrested and she changed her name!  WHOA WHOA, did she just say her FIRST ex-husband?  Hold up, didn’t she say that she was married once?  Now all of a sudden it was twice.

The Beverly Hillbillies are in town to visit.  Jacque’s father told her if she keeps on, she’s gone look like Goldie Hawn in The First Wives Club!  Dayum, nobody on this show has a fucking censor.  That shit was hilarious.  But while grandpa is keepin’ it real with Jacqueline, I gotta keep it real with him.  That little swooped piece of hair he got goin’ on needs to go!  He looks like the Mayor of Whoville!

Dina pretending to be a mother is boring! 

Caroline’s husband is worried about her being home at night by herself.  So he got her a “protection dog”!  I’ll let ya’ll finish my thought.

Did ya’ll see all those cars in the driveway at Jacque’s?  If running an event facility pays THAT kind of money, then let me start soliciting investors now! 

How the fuck are they SOOO proud of Ashleyand her accomplishments when she ain’t accomplished shit?  Bitch ain’t even finish a damn grade in HIGH SCHOOL!  It’s not like we’re talking college with a full load.  English, Math, History and fucking PE!  How hard is that?  To top it off, she got a fucking attitude when Chris called for them to come outside.  This is why she’s obnoxious…they give her ass too much when she really doesn’t deserve it.

Here goes Dina’s ass complaining about having a thriving career again, but not wanting it.  Then quit!  Problem solved.  Stop bitching about it.  Take care of your kid, your man and those freaky looking cats.  Done.

Back at Casa de Con Artist, Danielle and her BFFs, AKA her damn kids, are gettin ready for the dinner party.  Why does this broad have on the same dress as her fucking teenager?  Put some clothes on!  We got it…you’re 45 and fit.

At the dinner party, Jacque looks like she put on one of her old cocktail waitress uniforms at Caesars Palace from her Vegas days.  Teresa is walking around with a Contempo Casuals dress on braggin about her new tits…classy.  Someone’s kid looks like a fruity cocktail with a yellow umbrella to garnish.

Here we go…in walks Danielle.  Everyone is clearly UNhappy to see her!  Joe and Teresa are so damn Jersey.  Sitting at the head of the table actin like they ain’t nevaseen seafood before.  Did ya’ll peep them makin’ fun of Danielle on the low talkin’ about swallowin’ and blow jobs and shit!  Danielle ain’t no fool.  She knew what was up.  That’s why she just sat back sippin’ that expensive ass champagne till she was ready for the gotcha gotcha!

OHMIGOD!  Now Teresa’s talkin about how much her husband likes to fuck her…in front of children.  How inappropriate can you be?  I didn’t laugh once…not quite sure why they were crackin’ up.  That shit was hella rudeand raunchy.  You’re at a nice dinner for the love of Pete.  Act like you weren’t raised by monkeys!

Aww shit, Danielle pulls out the book and put it on the dinner table ROFLMAO!  Bitch pulled it out like CHECK MATE MOTHERFUCKERS!  I think Danielle is full of fucking shit, BUT she manned UP tonight baby.  The old broad came wit it!

Dina is frontin’.  She knows she popped off at the mouth about Danielle and that book!  WAIT, Mama Caroline is taking the fall for her sister?  Come on now Caroline…keep it real!  Dina is a big girl.  And if she’s bad enough to run around town talkin’ shit, then she’s bad enough to own up to the shit to Danielle’s face.

Side bar, I know what thick as thieves means, but I still don’t find it to be a good way to describe a close relationship.  Shit, thieves turn on each at the drop of a hat.  Just sayin…

Did anyone notice that Dina ain’t shit without someone to back her up?  First the drama started with Danielle and Dina, but Teresa jumped in.  So Dina got up and sat next to Teresa.  Then Caroline jumped in.  So Dina went and sat next to Caroline.  Dina’s a straight up coward, period!  On top of that, bringing Jacque into and assuming she’d lie for her ass cuz Mama Caroline did was wrong!  Chris and Jacque were sittin there minding their own business.  I’m glad Jacque told the truth.  She had no dog in that fight.  Chris knew his sister’s were lying, too!  That’s why the man was rubbin off the skin on his forehead.  What did attack dog Caroline do?  Told them ENOUGH when Jacque was lettin’ all the truth fly. 

Ummmm, am I the only one that noticed that according to Danielle, the only truths in the book went from 3 to 2 LMAO???  I’m tellin’ ya’ll, this bitch is covering HARD core!

Unfortunately, Caroline in the City was right.  Jacqueline’s gonna have to choose between “The Family” and Danielle.  Either one of two things will happen when she does.  Chris will choose her or he’ll choose his family.  So she better choose wisely!

Teresa, her sci-fi forehead and that bad wig were out of control tonight.  Was it really that serious for the bitch to be flippin’ over tables and shit at her “favorite” restaurant?  And how is she gonna be all parental about her kids being in the room when Danielle’s discussing the book, but had zero problem talking about getting fucked after surgery and her sore pussy in front of her kids?  These bitches think they’re slick tryna belittle Danielle cuz they think they’re better than her.  Personally, I think Danielle (and Jacque) came off looking better than the rest tonight…even the Godfather!  Teresa could dish out the turned up nose, but didn’t like how it felt when Danielle turned hers up right back at her ass.  Well, she can’t really move her face cuz of all the botox, but ya’ll know what I mean!

Teresa acted like a clown!  She fed into every stereotype that people have of Italians.  She should fucking be embarrassed!  Yeah, Danielle mighta ruined dinner, but that’s the thing about fucking with muthafuckas.  You canNOT dictate how they’ll come back at your ass…or when.  You heard Danielle say that if she hears any more shit, she’ll be at their door and she won’t be alone.  I believe her!  You know why?  Because I believe everything in that book was true! 

You could tell that Teresa has been called dumb and stupid her whole dumb and stupid ass life!  That’s why she went off like that.  Well, that and because the cameras were there!

Danielle’s first ex-husband said that Danielle is smart and will come out on top..that she’ll make this bullshit work for her.  He’s right if you ask me! 

And what was that kinky shit going on between Joe and Teresa?  First he’s tryna restrain her, then they’re making out…

Until next season…in a minute

Real Housewives of New Jersey: Episode 4 Recap

I already know the jig is about to be up for Dirty Danielle/Beverly Merrill in this episode.  What I’m not sure of is how hard she’s gonna come back on the other housewives!

Dirty D, Jacque and Teresa are out to dinner and she brought it to them off the top!  Dirty D said not only does she not even look at married men, but she damn sure wouldn’t be running behind a personal trainer who makes 25k/year… She claims to own more than that to Neiman Marcus right now.  Puhlease honey – if a married man could get you outta debt and save that house, you’d blow him faster than that balding, fat broke teeny bopper from last week!

I’m tryna to be on my best behavior with these kids, but why does a little girl who’s barely in a training bra even own booty shorts?  Lexi has no business with shorts that fucking short in her possession.  I’m sorry, but she doesn’t! 

Teresa and that curly hair takes me back to the hair bear days.  Ain’t she a hair bear 2 decades after the fad?!  Anyway, she and her husband wanna take salsa and merengue classes.  So they’re going to make it a cast affair.  Of course, Jacque invites Beverly/Danielle because the producers told her to she didn’t want her to feel excluded.  Why is this bitch always agreeing to go somewhere that costs money, but is the first one to complain about being broke?  Stay your broke ass at home then!

Aight, Caroline don’t dance, but she’s there to watch her kids have fun!  WAIT A MINUTE…HOLD UP!  Danielle did NOT just walk up in the studio in full ballet attire OMG!  Make it stop…LMFAO!!!  She is too much for tv.  Whooo okay.  This bitch just said that she has a professional background in dance.  Um, STRIPPING ain’t the same as being a trained dancer honey!  Caroline looks like she’s about to jump off that couch and claw Danielle like that tiger did Roy and I ain’t tryna be mean or funny!

Okay, let me get this straight, Danielle sexually molested Caroline’s son during a fun loving night of dancing, but she took offense to Teresa’s husband, Joe, saying that the instructor was “so gay”?  Give me a fucking break!

NOW, after the class Danielle tried to check Joe on his slurs and he told her to be quiet.  She snapped back don’t tell me to be quiet…I’m not your wife!  Teresa and her simple-minded self wasn’t quite sure, but thought it was an insult to her (smdh).  Look, I’m the first one to jump on Dirty D’s case, but I gotta give this one to her!  I woulda said the same shit.  She wasn’t really insulting Teresa as much as she was letting Joe know “muthafucka you can’t talk to me any kinda way cuz I’m not married to your beefcake ass”.  It was about Joe, not Teresa!

Chris and Jacque are back at the fertility doctor’s office.  Doc said nothing is wrong with either of them, which of course we know cuz she’s about to pop!  Maybe broads who are 40 and shit should be thankful for the kids they already have and leave the shit alone.  I think it’s hella selfish when A) older women have kids knowing it could prove unhealthy for the child and B) old ass men have kids with young women knowing they have lived damn near most of their lives…like Tony Randall and Larry King.

Anyway, Dina’s baby daddy pulled up in a VW Jetta.  No wonder he and Dina didn’t work out!

Dirty D called Teresa to clear the air after their night of salsa, but the hair bear hung up on that ass!  Guess she really was through.

Caroline and Teresa headed over to Dina’s to discuss Danielle.  A Cop Without A Badgehas come to light.  It truly wasn’t a bitch session.  Teresa voiced her concerns and anger the most, I think, cuz she was friends with Danielle and felt betrayed.  I can see that.  Shockingly, Dina didn’t really use it as an opportunity to twist the knife.  She and Caroline held back a ton! 

Jacque showed up at Danielle’s to tell her about the book EVEN THOUGH her family told her to keep her mouth shut!  Dirty Danielle sits down with champagne to tell her about “the book”.  According to D, she was arrested as an accessory cuz she came home one day right before the feds busted her then boyfriend!  Did she expect someone to believe that bullshit?  I mean for real.  Jacque seems to believe it thus far, but who knows at this point.

Over at HairBear’s dream house, the new furniture is being delivered.  Must she stand at the top of the stairs telling the delivery people to be careful wit her shit cuz it’s expensive?  No shit@@ Lawd, her husband rolls with hella cash on him, too?  What’s wrong with these fucking people ya’ll?  Who does that? 

Did Teresa really have the nerve to say that she’s having her house built because living in someone elses house is gross, yet she said her husband is the “most easiest” man to get along with?  That further proves my point that money doesn’t buy class…or a grasp of basic grammar!

Danielle cracked open even more bottles with her gay friend of 27 years, Tommy!  Now he said they’ve known each other 25 years, she said 27.  Then she said that the shit written about in the book was 24/25 years old.  If that’s true, then why didn’t her oldest and dearest friend know about this shit?  Why is she having to tell him the story now?  Something is rotten in Denmark!  Dirty D is putting on a show for someone.  She probably just met that gay guy while she was at the grocery store picking up wine!

Tommy and Danielle got their gossip on pretty much!  He suggested taking it straight to Dina’s ass!  It might go down on tonight’s episode. 

YES!!  I’m finally caught up.  Now ya’ll can get off a bitch’s back!

…Vine…in a minute

Rihanna the Ripper…


In spite of Rihanna’s rep saying that RiRi and Los Angeles Lakers star Andrew Bynum are not an item, our sources tell us otherwise!

We give her until after the hype of the Lakers winning the championship (Vine’s prediction) dies down, before Rihanna the Ripper will be on to someone new!  Baby girl is too young to spreading herself (and her legs) so thin.

…in a minute

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The Real Scandalous Housewives of New Jersey

These Housewives are starting to create more entertainment off camera than on.  If I were a betting woman (which I am when money permits), I’d say that Bravo knows all this shit before filming begins…and they cast these violent, criminal ass broads on purpose!

I’m a week behind, so ya’ll might have already know this, but the bitch Danielle was into some crazy ass shit!  First of all, her name is really Beverly Merrill.  You know that ex-husband of hers that won’t give her an ounce of alimony?  That’s Kevin Maher, one of the highest paid FBI and DEA agents to date! 

The New York Post article talks about the book,”Cop Without A Badge”, which not only details Beverly/Dirty D’s past as a “paid escort”, stripper, extornionist and drug runner, but it also shows her fucked up as mug shot photo!  Dayum, girlfriend has had even more plastic surgery than I thought.  She had that Superman/Booty chin fixed, her nose clearly was restructured and she might have just had a face lift for good measure, as well!

Something strikes me as very odd about her marriage to Maher.  They met some time in the late 80’s while she was out on bail.  It’s 2009 and she’s still tryna get her divorce settlement; they were only married a couple years at most by her own admission.  So these two fucking nutjob criminals were together for damn near a decade before he decided to marry her?  But what about her 19 other proposals?  Were they from tricks?  When did she have time to hear another proposal while she was with a rich, powerful FBI/DEA informant?  This whole story sounds fishy; I’m gonna need a copy of that book to piece it together!

Click here to read the New York Post article AND see the photo…then tell us your thoughts! 

…Vine…in a minute

Real Housewives of New Jersey: Episode 3 Recap

Teresa’s up first!  She’s driving Gia to Wilhelmina in Manhattan.  She didn’t get the role for The Rock movie (shocker), so stage mom Teresa is on a mission!  Wilhelmina didn’t like Gia’s current comp card – too pageantY.  Teresa had the nerve to bitch about paying $800.00 for shitty comp cards, yet she dropped the price of a home in Kansas on new fucking furniture?  Priorities lady!

Dina is hangin with her brother who’s a celebrity chef, designer, stylist, you name it.  He’s just a Jane Jack of All Trades ain’t he.  He was too high strung for me.  I couldn’t even pay attention.  Oh gawd, now they’re back at her house with those nasty ass cats! 

She’s bitching and moaning about how successful she is.  Is Dina for real?  Yes, you have to be careful what you wish for.  She asked for this, she worked for this and now she wants to complain that she has it?  Get over youself honey!

Over at Jacque’s house, they just found out that Ashley didn’t pass her current grade.  She’s gotta be a Jr. or a Sr.  Now she has to go to summer school.  I think she’s a Senior!  You reaaaaally have to try hard to not pass any grade in high school.  I’m sorry, but you do!  What the fuck has she been doing and WHY are they just now finding out that her shit is so bad that she ain’t passing a grade?  SMH

Here’s Dirty Danielle!  She and her poor children are rock climbing.  She takes more pride in her body and pulling a 26 year old freak than she does in setting a good example for her two daughters!  I really have zero respect for this lazy ass broad!  Even her daughter can see that this youngster is an asshole tryna use her mother! 

Here’s my girl Caroline in the City.  She wants to take her daughter to the best school to learn more about cosmetology.  Artistic Academy it is, and it doesn’t hurt that mommy and daddy are friends with the owners.  Lauren better quit trippin and take her damn parents’ help!

TERESA IS OUT…OF…CONTROL!!!!  This bitch done packed up enough fucking luggage to flee the country.  She was only going to take some photos for a damn child’s comp card!  Gia doesn’t even want to be there!  I hate when parents push their dreams on their kids.  That’s why I love Caroline; she let’s em be themselves!  And Teresa better stop travelin around with all that money and Gucci on her ass!  Someone will take her, that Escalade and all her money and not think shit of it!  Keep on!

So let me get this straight, Dirty Danielle threw an elaborate botox party in her home, but was beggin’ last week for her divorce settlement!  If she weren’t so busy throwing her money away on botox parties and lip injections, maybe her ass wouldn’t need a damn captain save a ho! 

Why in God’s name are Teresa and Jacque getting botox and shit?  This is why bitches start to age before they need to!  I’m with Caroline; this shit is nuts!  Thank God black don’t crack!

Aight, Dina said she won’t fuck wit her face cuz her husband said he married her for her face.  A) what a great guy and B) that was fucked up to talk shit about the woman in her own damn house!  These two just don’t mix, plain and simple!  Dirty D claims that Dina does, in fact, get botox cuz she’s allegedly told everyone in town about it!  I could be wrong, but it doesn’t look like Dina has had botox.  Clearly she had her lips plumped up.  Not my cup of tea, but that’s totally different than fucking with her face (from a man’s POV).  All her husband knows is that his wife has DSL!  Nuff said!

Jacque heads over to Dirty D’s house for a barbecue.  Now Jacque knows better than to think Dina ain’t gonna be brought up.  Danielle is such a fucking child and to put Jacque in the middle of it with her kid there, Dina’s nephew, was wrong!  OMG DID SHE JUST CALL DINA CONDENSENDING LMFAO!  conDENSENDing!  Wheew baby, hilarious. 

Jacque claims that Dina dislikes her cuz she’s threatened by her and that she knows too much about her.  Which fucking one is it Joan Collins?  Is she threatened by you or is she afraid of you?  Contrary to what Danielle’s education as a gold digger has taught her, those are two totally different things!

Back at Casa de Caroline, Jacque’s stressed about Ashley.  Ash done played like she’s remorseful.  So step daddy Chris went out and bought her a brand new Jeep Cherokee!  THIS is why she doesn’t give a fuck about her parents!  Caroline is right…she doesn’t deserve the shit!  Even Albie said that Caroline whooped his ass when he fucked up.  Keep raising these punk ass do what they want no panty wearing daughters if you want to!

Dirty D went out on a triple date with Teresa, Jacque and their husbands and it’s a trainwreck!  Steve is mad and Chris looks bored!  OMG, did she just put their sex life on blast?  Damn this bitch is tacky as hell!  Why are telling your man’s friends that he ain’t fucked you in a week?  Nasty, desperate bitch!  He’s not returning your calls or texts because he’s just not that into you!  She’s almost 50 – surely she can read between the lines…unless her eyesight was the first to go!  It clearly ain’t her sex drive.

Back at Wilhelmina, Teresa brought new pictures!  I’m cringing for her.  It’s like she doesn’t even hear what the woman is telling her.  I get so irritated with parents who think their kids are perfect!

Teresa brought over her kids to Jacque’s for a play date.  Their plan was to just relax with the kids, then Dirty D called and pissed all over their parade.  Why even answer the phone for this crazy bitch?  Really Danielle?  You are almost 50 years old and you need two younger broads to make it okay for you to break up with a man?  This bitch needs therapy!  Teresa even said that Steve ain’t head over heels for Danielle’s ass.  He comes to her house for his daily blow jobs!  Uh huh, now the truth comes out! 

I mean, the bitch was tryna suck him up in the damn bathroom of a restaurant on their first date!.  This ain’t shocking!  And he has no money???  So she’s just a nasty bitch!  Pure-dee trash!

With Dirty D gone, Jacque and Teresa can have their time together.  According to Jacque, rumors are going around is that Dirty D was a husband stealer.  Teresa heard that she used to be a stripper.  Oh I believe it.  If I were Jacque, I’d take my family’s advice and leave that woman alone.  She is a bad news; let her go.  For real, people either lift you up or they bring you down.  No in between. 

What do ya’ll think about the Dirty Danielle dramatics?

…Vine…in a minute

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The Hills: 5/26/09 Recap

It’s so hard to watch this bullshit after seeing Speidi on I’m A Celebrity actin like assholes, but I’ll do my best!

Heidi and her hair told Steph about the engagement.  She asked Steph to ask LC to come!  First of all, don’t you usually invite people with invitations?  Secondly, this bitch is about to allegedly say I do, but doesn’t have the balls to invite who she wants?  Is she in high school?  If you can’t handle that conversation, then you damn sure can’t handle a sham of a marriage!

DAYUM!  I didn’t know Audrina had a big ass prison tattoo on the back of her neck! 

Over to lunch with LC and Stephanie, LC gets the news.  LC ain’t feelin’ the invitation, but we know in the end she went@@ 

Charlie, Spencer’s friend, has on jeans so fucking tight that I am CERTAIN he won’t be able to produce usable sperm for his wife one day!  Men, it is not cute in any way, shape or form to have on jeans tighter than bitches wear.  Charlie encouraged Spencer to make up with LC, but that went over like a lead balloon!

Heidi, Steph and some strange faced girl went to try on gowns at Monique Lhullier.  She knows that LC isn’t planning to come to the wedding so she’s sad.  How does one stand in a $20,000 gown that she surely got for free and not have a smile on their face?  That’s why I don’t like her and Spencer.  They are obnoxious and ungrateful!

All the girls are together, minus Heidi, sippin champagne and talkin about Heidi’s wedding.  I’m sorry, but I don’t get it.  I have fallen out with friends over the years.  Hollywood has fallen out with friends over the years…I’ve never heard of broads being this upset that a particular friend isn’t in their life anymore.  This is borderline obsessive! 

Awkward moment between Jayde, Brody and Audrina.  Now Jayde is just showing herself to be a drama queen.  If you’re so pissed at Audrina, why would you walk into a spot and sit down at her table?  Bullshit! 

Heidi’s now begging Spencer’s evil ass to apologize to LC, but he gave her a firm NO!  She gave him an ultimatum. 

Over at Audrina’s rented Hollywood house, she and Steph are dissecting the Brody/Jayde situation!  They think Brody should tell Jayde to get over it.  Here’s what they don’t understand.  Jayde is his woman, period.  He really doesn’t give a fuck about Audrina being uncomfortable.  He hit it and quit it…she should move on, too!  That’s what happens when you fuck other people’s boyfriends!

Over at People’s Revolution, Heidi stopped by to handle deliver a wedding invitation to LC.  I love how LC is so honest.  Ummm, I don’t really get why you want me there LOL!  I love it.  Ewwww look at Heidi’s FACE!  Age is not being good to her.  I think there was some truth to this “scene”.  Heidi has changed who she is to be with Spencer cuz she and Spencer are a money making machine together.  Bitch basically sold her soul for the almighty DOLLA!  I think those were real tears she was trying not to shed.  At the core of her is a person who knows good and fuck well they lost their soul!

Now to add salt on the wound, Spencer just called LC to apologize.  I think she really doesn’t want to attend this bogus ass wedding, but hey, she signed a contract!

Speaking of busted relationships, Lo said the other day on her Twitter that she’s now single!  Who the hell was she dating?  How can they film a show and we never see Lo with a boyfriend?  Further proof that this shit is fake!

…Vine…in a minute

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