Countess Lu…Counted Out!

Poor Countess Lu might not be able to force people to call her “Countess” for much longer.  Evidently, the Count dumped Lu via email.  He’s now allegedly shacked up in Geneva with his new broad…an Ethiopian woman!  Ya’ll know Countess Lu is pissed!  Hopefully her book about manners and etiquette from a Countess’ point of view comes out before the ink drives on her divorce papers!  Just sayin…

That would explain why she was making out in a NY hotel with an unidentified younger man recently.  Bitch had to get back on the stroll prowl!

Seriously, that’s some cold ass shit.  All we have to say is..we hope the cameras catch the fall out for their next season!

…H&V…in a minute

www.twitter.com/hollywoodNvine

Candy Girls: Episode 4

Okay where should I start this week?  Danielle and that 2 ton weave or her cute, hoodrat best friend/assistant.  Who did these broads seduce to get this show!!!! 

 

I like Brooke.  She seems real cool and down to earth.  I also like Terricka.  Yes, she is a little rough around the edges but the bitch is about her money, period dot!  For example, Olivia rides this high horse but she drives a Jetta!  Terricka has a 5Series BMW.  Yeah, this is a bit shallow but these broads are video hoes! 

 

I don’t know who told Keysha she could run anything but her mouth!  She is the typical I’m too cute to care ass broad!  I wouldn’t be on anyone’s set for $150 either! 

From the few episodes I have seen, I am convinced that this is just a cover up for a Hip Hop Whore House!

 

…Hollywood…in a minute

 

www.twitter.com/hollywoodNvine

For the Love of Ray J Recap: 3/30/09

Haven’t we all been waiting for Brandy to appear on this shit?  I hope that she redeems the Norwood fam with this episode, but I ain’t holdin’ my breath.

Down to the Funky Four!  Danger is still bitchin’ about Uniqua being a whore.  How the fuck would she know?  The bitch has a tat on her face AND claimed tonight that she’s in love with Ray.  You ain’t even known this nigga for 3 months.  How are you in love?  She’s crazy, just like Unique’s fat ass said.

Ray came in and asked the Funky Four to write down yes/no questions that can be posed to the others.  Obviously gettin’ ready for the lie detector test.  He’s so slick.  NOT.   

Aight, whoever answers the largest number of questions honestly gets a date with Lil Man. 

Brandy’s asking the questions.  Uniqua is up first!  She fucked up, period!  The other three did her dirty with the questions.  She deserved nothing less if you ask me.

Cocktail is up.  She ain’t do much better.  What threw Ray off the most was when she fessed up to needing a man to “complete her”.  I hate that fucking sayin’.  Bitches get on my nerves with that shit.  He didn’t like it, either.  Oh, she lied when she said she ain’t a gold digger!

Chardonnay and her Jodi Watley hoops are next.  Bitch was honest!  She didn’t seem to lie about a damn thang!  I ain’t mad at her.

Danger and the few screws she has left are on.  She admits to being in love with at least one of her exes AND that she dated someone for money!  THIS BITCH IS CRAZY AS FUCK!  She broke down cuz all her damn crazy shit came out during her session!  Here are some of the highlights:

– she’s thought about killing the other girls in the house

– she’s had a restraining order filed against her by an ex-boyfriend

– she’s stalked an ex-boyfriend

– she’s been called crazy before

Brandy looked like she was wondering why the hell her brother even kept the bitch around that long!  If he keeps her after this week, I don’t feel sorry for shit that this crazy, tattoo on the face ass broad might do to him before this season is over.  For real!  MURDER?  I’m hella cool!

Chardonnay ultimately won the solo date with Lil Man.  She’s so extra the way she talks and shit.  Ghetto shit.  Anyway, at dinner Ray said she has the “homie vibe” and her dick got soft.  I think he’s tryna clean it up, but I can’t tell.  So he decided to take her to a strip club.  How original!  One dolla says she gets own da pole!

Yep, the DJ asked Ray to get her own da pole!  Sooo Chardonnay said she’d do one trick for her man.  If I hadn’t seen it with my own two eyes, I wouldn’t believe the shit.  This bitch climbed up to the TOP of the pole like she was in boot camp and dropped down into the splits!  Ray J looked like he came in his pants and if you watched the shit, you know I ain’t lyin’. 

Once he got back to the house, Danger made sure to soften his dick by crying and talkin’ about her feelings.  This nigga just came from watchin’ Chardonnay drop from the damn ceiling into the splits to this shit?  Get the fuck outta here crazy!

Ray gathers his herd cuz he claims to not need another day to make his choice.  He’s gonna make the cut tonight!  They all sweatin’ like whores in church.  Even Uniqua and her necks were lookin’ like Jello.

Oh Lawd, they all look a mess!  Well, Go-Go Dancin’ Gold Digger looked better than the rest.  Unique looked like an usher dressed up for Pastor’s Appreciation Day, Chardonnay said fuck it and threw on the same shit from her pole dancin’ date and Danger looks like a wild animal!

Cocktail..stayin’.  Uniqua…stayin’…It’s down to Chardonnay and Danger – the home girl or the crazy girl.  Which one does he wanna fuck more?  Not Chardonnay/Christa!  He sent her back to the A!  She’ll definitely be the most popular stripper at Magic City now!

Why is Danger wearin’ a dress with hr back fat showin?  Ray thinks that the competition is getting to her…that she’s a good person and NOT crazy!  Aight, then he’s officially crazy, too! 

Next week it’s down to the Triflin’ Three!  Danger gets caught up while meeting Ray’s friend.  Looks like she’s fucked a few of ’em!  This shit is too funny!

…Vine..in a minute

(www.twitter.com/hollywoodNvine)

Essence Magazine Open Casting Call

For all our East Coast readers dying to be noticed for something, Essence Magazine is having an open casting call tomorrow night for their annual denim makeover feature!  If you can’t easily find a pair of jeans to fit your ass into, then they’re looking for you.

Tomorrow, Tuesday, March 31, 2009 from 6pm – 9m at:

 

Essence HQ

135 West 50^th Street (between 6^th and 7^th Avenue)

4^th Floor

New York City

 

Ages 18-35

Sizes 0 – 18

Height   4’11” to 6’

If any of ya’ll get picked, we wanna know.

 

…in a minute

 

(www.twitter.com/hollywoodNvine)

Real Housewives of NY: 3/17/09

Yes, I realize I’m a week late.  Some people (Jizzle) made sure to remind me.  Like I say, better late than never.

Ramona, pull yourself together!  Yeah, we know Countess Lu LOOKS half her husbands age (which ain’t hard to do), but do we need to say it aloud?  Moving on…

Ramona and her gut invited Bethenny to spend the weekend at her Hamptons home.  Did ya’ll notice that these two bitches are walking their dogs with no doggy doo bags with them?  Just askin’…Never mind, Ramona had a doggie doo bag.  Maybe she had it hidden in her bikini top since she didn’t have tits in there!

Over to Simex!  Simon, his tight white linen pants and his bad ass kids returned to the train wreck better known as his house!  How do they even have the nerve to talk about being photographed for the style section while living in that shit hole?  Give me a fucking break!  It’s like a death trap for young kids.  Maybe you two dumbasses shoulda dealt with your home before flying off to St. Barts for your off season vacation.  Priorities anyone?

Finally Jill Zarin is back!  Bitch looks damn good.  A summer in the Hamptons did her ass good.  All she needs is a butt and she’d be set.  Her gay husband  has turned her home upside down

Aha.  Simon allegedly owns the Hotel Chandler.  So who’s lying?  Bravo said that Simon is a boutique hotel manager.  Now Alex says that he owns the hotel.  Hmmm. 

Kelly is ranting about how independent she is cuz she’s a midwestern broad.  She said that New York is a city of co-dependent MoFos.  If it’s so bad, then go back.  I’m sure Russell Simmons throws a lot of plush parties for you to attend in Idaho bitch!

Did Kelly really need to have an “executive chef” come to her condo to cook fuckin’ lettuce wraps with chicken?  These people are bullshit.  I think she paid him with pussy.  Sorry, but I do.  She knows good and hell well that older daughter does not eat healthy shit.  Yeah, I talked about the kid!!

Ramona is delusional.  She thinks that she and Avery have a very special relationship.  Avery canNOT stand her ass!  And why are you allowing your barely teenaged daughter to try on some 4 inch stilettos?  When she ends up with her crotch being blurred out in pictures like Paris and Britney, don’t say shit!

Bethenny and Countess Lu went out for a bite to eat and honey, Bethenny is killin’ every bitch in Manhattan with that fuckin’ body!  Damn!  I’m strictly dickly, but bitch’s body is off the hook!  Countess Lu is giving her advice on how to snag a muthafucka with one foot in the grave.  Kidding!  Countess Lu is boring me.  She needs to end this segment so that I can refill my wine glass.

So Bethenny is on a date with another chef named Todd.  He’s kinda cute in his own short, tummy and man boob having, not really cute way.  I realize I don’t know her, but I love seeing a man tryin’ to take care of her.  Lord knows that pasty, dry ass Jason wasn’t worth a shit! 

Over at the healthy sun expo?? Bethenny and Alex are there workin’ a booth with Bethenny’s healthy cupcakes, etc.  I will say this.  I like the friendship between the two of them.  Bethenny has the ability to see the best in everyone and many people can’t do that shit. 

Alex is admitting that she and Simon met online lookin’ for a one night stand.  Call me crazy, but I think Simon thought Alex was a man!  Just sayin…

Jill Zarin is over at the Van Kempen’s cuz they’re Zarin’s newest clients.  WHY aren’t these muthafuckas not embarrassed to have people (and the world) see how they’re living?  I don’t give a damn that they’re renovating.  This is bullshit!  You do not spend the summer in the Hamptons and in St. Barts, off season or not, and don’t spend the extra money to move out for a few weeks while your home is under renovation.  For the love of Peter, Paul and Mary, get a suite at the fuckin’ hotel that Simon’s tight pants wearin’ ass owns!  Not hard. 

Now, I done rushed to get this shit up before tonight’s episode airs.  Ya’ll (Jizzle) better comment on this post!

…Vine…in a minute…

Dancing w/the Stars 8: Week 3

Nobody has even danced yet, but Gilles almost hit the floor coming down the stairs.  Denise Richards can’t even clap on beat, so I know she’s in trouble.

Denise and Maks are supposed to Samba.  Let’s see what she really does when the music comes on.  Hopefully this week she’ll count in her head instead of out loud for God and everybody to read her lips.  She just cannot dance to save her life!  All the black they wore was appropriate cuz that routine was dead!  Total 16.

Chuck and Julianne are about to Fox Trot.  First we had to listen to them whine about why Chuck’s scores last week were shitty.  Suck it up!  Um, I guess that was better but he looked hella feminine to me with all that hand and hip swayin’.  Judges like it enough for 23.  Bullshit.

Holly and Dmitry are supposed to Samba.  She said in rehearsal that it was hard for her “that day”.  JUST that day?  At least she looks good tonight.  You know, I never understood what men meant by women being a bad fuck.  But after watching Holly NOT move her hips or ass, I know what they mean.  These scores ain’t gonna be good.

Steve-O and Lacey are up next!  He was so focused on hurtin’ his back last week that the fool pretty much messed up the entire routine AND almost hurtin’ his back again at the end.  I didn’t like that at all and I like them.

LTand Edyta are gonna Samba.  He looks like he’s doin’ the hustle and shit. 

Shawn Johnson and Mark are going to Fox Trot in a minute.  They were very good, but they just don’t excite me.  Total 27!

Gilles and Cheryl’s Samba is up.  This should be hot!  I knew it.  They got more ass shakin’ than BET After Dark!  Now THAT was fabulous!  That has to be at least a 27, too!  Yessir!  27!

Oh there’s Naomi from the Bachelor in the audience.  I guess she’s there to cheer on Melissa!

David and Kim have only one way to go after last week. I didn’t know he was “married”.  Um, that intro was one step from CATS, if you know what I mean.  Kim did him dirty.  All in all it was very Broadway.  Oh, see Bruno said the same thing.  Carrie Ann said he looked like a Rockette!  Yes she did.  I couldn’t make this shit up.  Total – 24!

And why is Three 6 Mafia in the audience?

The Woz and Kryptonite Karina are about to Samba.  I love a good train wreck.  Damnit he is disgusting me and makin’ me laugh all at once.  Oh Lord have mercy on poor Kryptonite Karina.  That was beyond a disaster.  Was that the worm?  It looked more like the dead worm once rigor set in.  He managed to look more feminine than David Alan Grier.   Total – 10!

Melissa and Tony are up!  Fox Trot your ass off baby girl.  YES!  She better AT LEAST match the 27’s that the others got!  She is just a beautiful dancer, period!  Total – 27!!!  That’s right!

Derek, Lil Kim and her bleached skin are up next!  She’s doing a good job, but she smiled more when she was turnin’ herself in for jail!  Aww shit, LisaRaye was in the audience cheerin’ for her!  Total 25!

Last and not exactly least are Ty and Chelsie.  They’re gonna Fox Trot so he SHOULD be aight.  Okay, I know ya’ll are expecting me to make fun of Chelsie for falling, but I’m not!  I’m gonna give Ty props for keeping focused and not fuckin’ up the rest of the routine after that!  I’ll say it…good job!  Total 23!

…Vine…in a minute…

Dancing w/the Stars 8: Week 2 Recap

Real (California) time people…here we go!

Steve-O hurt himself earlier today so he and Lacey are out for the week.

Holly’s first up w/the Quick Step.  I think she’s gonna be worse this week than last week, but we’ll see in a minute!  Well she does look more like a lady than a tramp tonight.  This is just bad and ya know what, Dmitry don’t look all that hot out there either and he’s the pro!  Total 18…they didn’t deserve that much frankly!

David Alan Grier is about to Salsa with Kim.  They put him in a shiny gold shirt with ruffles down the front.  Someone in the wardrobe department at Dancing w/the Stars is funny as hell!  Okay, I can’t stop laughin’.  The look on his face when Kim rolled her ass in his face was priceless!  I don’t know what to say; that was worse than Holly’s dance.  We are off to a boring ass start tonight.  Total – 17.

Denise Richards and Maks fine ass are next.  She better thank God that the QS is done in hold cuz Maks helped her look a lot better.  Here they go giving her props like they did w/Brooke Burke last season.  This bitch cannot dance!  If the judges start this shit again, I might give up this show.  I’m lyin’, but damn…a 21?  Give me a fucking break!

Belinda Carlisle is up!  She and Jonathan are going to Salsa.  I think he’s gonna give her something to work w/this week.  Oh, I take that back.  Jonathan said he’s putting some of her 80’s moves into the routine.  Um, yeah cuz that goes with the Salsa.  This is a train wreck of large magnitudes ya’ll.  Belinda’s ass is going home tomorrow…if we’re lucky.  The judges are gonna eat her up.  Lawd have mercy, Bruno’s side show from his seat was better than what Belinda did on the actual dance floor.  Total 18 – they were being nice.  She shouldn’t have gotten higher than a 15.

Ty Murrayand Chelsie are gonna QS tonight.  His stiff ass will probably do a lot better than that disaster last week.  Are we gonna have to listen to his rodeo puns all season?  If so, I hope he gets voted off.  Just like I figured, he was way better tonight.  I was actually entertained watchin’.  Total 20.

Mark and Shawn Johnson are going to Salsa tonight.  This ain’t gonna be pretty.  Ya ever been to a salsa club and man who’s a great dancer has a partner who is doing the moves with ZERO personality?  That’s what Shawn and Mark were tonight, to me.  She went through the motions fine, but there was nothing memorable.  Total 24!

Steve Wozniackand Kryptonite Karina are gonna “dance” the QS.  I use the word dance lightly.  It seems that Steve is crushing a bone in his foot…surprise surprise.  No words for that.  That was the slowest QS I mighta seen on this show.  You can see the disgust in Karina’s face.  How in the hell did he get the same score as David Alan Grier? 

Country couple Julianne and Chuck are about to Salsa.  Chuck said he was gonna walk and move his hips like a girl….like Derek!  Um, Chuck, tellin’ alleged family secrets ain’t the way to work your way in.  Aight, here they go.  The most entertaining part of the performance was Julianne tryna prevent a wardrobe malfunction!  Chuck just can’t dance.  His hips don’t lie and they’re saying that he sucks in the sack.  Just sayin’…Seriously though, Carrie Ann was right.  The choreography was bad.  HOW did they get a 20??  Aight, I’m bout to call conspiracy in a minute!

LTand Edyta doing the QS was pretty good!  The judges seemed to like it, too, but we’ll see if they give him bullshit scores, too.  20!  Not bad.

Cuz of Steve-O’sinjury, he can only be judged by his performance in dress rehearsal.  Based on that, I wouldn’t give him one vote.  I’m with Len, it was unejoyable and where the fuck was the Salsa?  She had Julianne syndrome w/her creativity tonight.  Whoa, was it just me or did Carrie Ann just blame Steve-O’s injury on Lacey?  Damn Inaba…Bitch been cranky since she stopped gettin’ her groove back with that youngster.  Total – 14.

Derek, Lil Kim and her hip implants are doing the QS.  It’s so hard to look at her…but not while she’s dancing!  She did damn good!  Get it bitch!  Let’s see if the judges front on her.  Bruno and Carrie Ann liked it, but Len wasn’t impressed. 

Aww shit, look at Bethenny Frankel (NY Housewives) in the audience.  Love her!

Back to Lil Kim and Derek.  They got a 23!  (800.868.3401).

Melissa’s up next with Tony!  She better not disappoint tonight.  She worked her shit tonight!  Tony FINALLY has someone to take him back to the finals!  Love her!  Loved it!  Yeah, her parents wouldn’t be seen on the Bachelor, but they were damn sure in the audience for this shit!  26 BITCHES! (800.868.3413)

Last but not least Cheryl and Gilles.  Even dressed as a geek doing this shit he’s still sexy as hell.  That was great!  Dude can really dance.  Cheryl should be going back to the finals, too!  Total – 27.  They deserved that. (800.868.3405)

What did ya’ll think of tonight’s show?

…Vine…in a minute

For the Love of Ray J: 3/16/09

It’s down to the sexy six!  Well, more like half sexy, half slutty!

What exactly was Cocktail doing?  That wasn’t dancing was it?  She needs to stick to stripping go-go dancing and leave the other shit to people with rhythm.

Cashmere just realized that Cocktail was on the Bad Girls Club.  For now she’s keepin’ it from Ray till she can confirm.  I woulda known that already if Hollywood was watchin’ with me; she watches that bullshit.  I don’t. 

She takes the info to Unique and what was even more interesting is that we find out Unique is a fake bitch!  Wow!  I’ve had her back since day 1 (yeah I know she don’t know) and she basically admits to using Cashmere and not really being her friend!  Booooo!  At this point I’d rather see Chardonnay’s ignorant ass win before her!

So Lil Man Norwood is giving the broads 30 minutes each to show him what they’re all about as people.  Evidently, Go-Go Garter belt didn’t hear the directions cuz she took Ray out to play a game of HORSE?!

Oh Lawd…Feisty said the only thing she’s passionate about is pouring a drink. 

My girl Cashmere is up!  Her passion is modeling and she let Ray play the photographer.  This cocky negro told her that usually the photographer gets to sleep with the models.  She said not with her and he had the fucking nerve to get an attitude!  What?  If she woulda said hell yeah they do, he woulda labeled her ass a whore.  She goes the other route and he thinks she doesn’t like him.  Newsflash our shortness, a bitch doesn’t have to fuck you to prove she likes you.  Not only does he look like he’s in 7th grade, he obviously acts like it, too!

Danger’s up.  She and Ray are helping each other paint blind folded.  Ray J said he paints musical pictures.  If that’s the case, then I wonder what he’d call it when he actually has a hit!

Over to Chardonnay in the kitchen lookin’ like a slutty, black June Cleaver!  She and Ray made some plain ole spaghetti.  He wasn’t impressed, but he was starvin’.  So it worked.

Of course Unique had them singing together.  She tried to harmonize with him but couldn’t.  But at least she ain’t forget the lyrics today. 

Before he decides on the solo date he takes the sexy/slutty six on a group date.  Cashmere busts out with the Bad Girls Club dirt and Ray almost busted a nut with excitement!  Cocktail looked like she was about to cry.  Now the show is gettin’ good!  She starts whining about how that shit was in her past and she doesn’t care to tell anyone her business.  Oh for real???  But was it her business to tell everybody elses shit to Ray back in episode 2 or some shit?  Doesn’t feel good when the go-go boot is on the other foot, does it?  Karma bitch!

Ray said he’s now not sure whether fast tail Cocktail was there for him or to further her career.  What career?  Professional reality tv contestant?  A-list go-go dancer?  Just askin’…

The solo date is more like a threesome…Ray, Fake ass Unique and Feisty.  Unique done thrown poor lil Feisty’s ass under a bus.  She ain’t right.  She’s actin’ like she’s better than Feisty, yet she’s in that pool throwin’ herself at the midget worse than a lot of them have.

Cashmere is out to lunch with the rest of these triflin’ ass broads.  They’re hella puttin’ 2 on a 10 in front of Lil B cuz that’s NOT how it went down.  This is bullshit!  Cashmere, stick up for yourself. 

Back at the house, Cashmere isn’t sure if she can take the heat.  She’s gonna let him know at elimination.

He tried to do shit different tonight!  He sent the sexy/slutty six out and talked to the girls one by one.  Unique and Danger were the first two and they’re safe.  Chardonnay is next and she tells Ray that she’s the total package.  She’s the friend, the homie and the lover…even though it’s homie lover friend, but aight.  I’ll roll with it.

Feisty got her drink and I KNOW that shit made her night!  Cocky Cocktail is up next.  She’s stayin’ cuz Ray feels like everybody deserves a second chance.  Translation….he ain’t fucked her yet and can’t send her home.

I think Cashmere is gettin’ her walkin’ papers tonight.  Okay, hold up!  He has a glass of champagne for her IF she wants it.  She decided to go home.  Truthfully, I think that she did like Ray J, but not enough to put her in a situation where she might get into some embarrassing shit on national tv.  I think Leah (Cashmere) removed herself while she still had some dignity.  I don’t blame her ass.  As soon as she hit the door, her supposed homegirl Unique was laughin’.  Bitch!

Ray claims that he wasn’t sad to see her go, but I think he’s a damn liar.  The two he liked and wanted to know more about are gone…Stacks and Cashmere!  That and being offered money for a 2nd season is why they’re casting now for new bitches!

…Vine…in a minute…

Candy Girls: Episode 2

Okay if I was a little confused last week…trust me I see things CRYSTAL CLEAR this week!  Danielle is a madam!  Brooke and Terricka might actually be in on the action with her.  I know for a fact April is.  If Blanca is an industry whore then why would you hire her to represent you company unless you are taking 60% right off the top? 

I have to give props to Brooke.  She is a true hustla!  Ole girl ran down her resume like she was reciting the alphabet and that is why she got the lead which means she got paid the most $$! 

Terricka – I really don’t know what to say about her.  I was actually on her side when she got offended by Danielle tellin’ her to not talk about her daughter at the photo shoot.  Personally, I don’t think there is anything wrong with having small talk about your children at work especially if you are sitting in a makeup chair for 2-3 hrs.  What I do have a problem with is how she just acts like a complete fool all the damn time!!!  Does she not understand this is being taped and one day soon her daughter will see this mess and be ashamed that her mother was acting like a 2-bit whore instead of being proud that her mother was handling her business to make sure she has a better chance at life than she did? 

And why is MIMS coming out with another CD?  Oh and Olivia well there really isn’t much to say about her except STOP bringing your man around those bitches!  Have u seen Brooke?  She is a brick house.  You are asking for your man to slip up and fall in some….

…Hollywood….in a minute

Nick Cannon Gettin’ His Mogul On…

Earlier this week Nick Cannon announced that he’s Mr. Chairman.  That’s right; Cannon is now the youngest television Chairman in history!  According to his blog:

I’m runnin thangs!! This was my announcement, I am now the youngest Television Chairman aka CEO in television history! That’s right; they gave your boy his own network. I’m getting my Oprah on. But my focus is the young folkz!! I am in charge of the new Teen network that is going to take the game by storm! New shows, new feel, real fresh!! This is a dream come true, I have been in the Viacom family for over a decade and now to be an executive is truly a blessing! It’s full circle, I am allowed to flex my business muscle. It’s a game changer!!!! Thanks for all you’re the love and support!!!

Now, will all you ignorant know nothin’ muthafuckas stop callin’ this man Mr. Carey?  Hollywood & Vine don’t understand that shit other than people just hatin’!  Nick was chipped up long before he met or married Mariah Carey.

 

In a minute…