The Nanny Gets Her Payday…

According to TMZ, initial reports of Elin Woods’ divorce settlement of $750 million was extremely exaggerated.  Their sources are telling them that she’s going to get $100 million and ya’ll know Harvey is never wrong.

I’ve been reading a lot of comments on Facebook and Twitter about how fucked up it is that the help a woman who never swung a golf club on a golf course could get such a large settlement…and that is why I think most people are stupid.  Here’s the deal, the first thing to remember is that is not that woman’s fault that Tiger and his overpaid, underproducing legal team didn’t play hard ball with this broad. 

He obviously bought her silence, as reports state that she may never ever comment on Tiger in any way, shape or form, even after the nigga is dead!  Whatever he wants to keep a secret goes far beyond her whooping his ass with that golf club, mistresses and him driving under the influence of Ambien and God knows what else that night (allegedly).  I’m guessing it has to do with performance enhancing drug allegations possibly being true and his alleged, casual use of prescription pills.  THAT is the type of shit that would make it difficult to rebuild his brand, thus making him more money!  We all know about the hoes and kinky sex.  We know about the alleged love children.  We know the size of his dick and that he can work it.  What else is worth silencing the help Elin? 

If it’s not those things, then Tiger is a bigger clown than I originally suspected!  Who gives a fuck if she tells your business.  Let her!  Either he’s a punk or he has some shit that he truly does not want people to know.  Either way, $100 million is about right.  Let that woman move back to west hell and raise those two black children, teach them to think they’re white and don’t take them to church…like Tiger’s parents did to him!

…Vine…in a minute

Kim K, you ain’t slick…

Not long before Kim Kardashian was linked to NFL nobody player Miles Austin, she was kissing all over the globe with soccer phenom Cristiano Ronaldo.  When asked, she said they weren’t dating and that she was enjoying the single life.  Please girl.  That is not what our sources told us.

H & V learned that Kim had it bad for Cristiano even though he’s not black, but HE put the brakes on!  We’re told that he pretty much told her ass to get in where she fit in cuz he had other broads.  To him, she was his US broad.  On top of that, he told her flat out that she was not the type of person he could take home to meet his family! 

I guess these clown ass negroes like Lamar and Reggie’s families don’t have the same standards.

…Vine…in a minute

6 Figure Sex…

Almost nothing shocks me, but damnit if this didn’t make me speechless!  According to Perez Hilton, Jaimee Grubbs, Tiger’s other mistress, was paid $150,000 to spill her guts to US Weekly (the issue is currently on newsstands)!  WHAT?  A hunned and fiddy thousand dollas!  Ain’t that a bitch?

Women, I want you to take a minute and think about all the no good muthauckas you’ve ever slept with.  Now think about the ones you slept with who barely took you to dinner…drinks…a movie…a walk in the park!  My point exactly!  I’m not saying what Jaimee Grubbs did was right, but I understand.  How many of ya’ll have had 6-figure sex??

…Vine…in a minute

Elin to Tiger…’Run Me My Money’

We told ya’ll that Elin Nordegren knew what she was doing!  Looks like Tiger’s loving wife who’s supposedly going to stick by her man, is making sure that they at least stay attached financially!

Elin’s initial prenuptial agreement will give her $20 million should she and Tiger divorce after 10 years of marriage.  Obviously, he went to Jaimee Grubbs and Rachel Uchitel to cure his 7 year itch.  Now the nanny Elin and her attorneys are revising the hell out of that prenup. 

According to the Chicago Sun-Times, Tiger has transferred a large 7 figure sum of money into Elin’s personal account just to keep her with him!  Elin has also, allegedly, demanded a complete rewrite of the prenup! 

Tiger’s image has already taken a big hit with this scandal.  The “when was the last time you’ve been fucked” text messages and threesome dreams made sure of that!  He needs to go on ahead and leave Elin’s ass now and just take one big hit one good time!  Otherwise, he’s going to end up paying his live-in babysitter Elin more money than he’d care to!

Trust, Elin was not a nanny for a pro golfer by mistake!  She knew what she was doing.  She’s striking while the iron is hot, just like the mistresses!  She ain’t slick. 

Updates:  Allegedly Elin was given $5 million to stay with Woods.  Elin has renegotiated to receive a supposed $55 million settlement for staying married to Tiger less than the original 10 years if they split.  Should she leave after 7 years, she stands to earn upwards of $80 million!  DING!!!!

…Vine…in a minute

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Golf Club…

Where do we start?  He is so stupid!  What kinda self-respecting playa would leave a voice message talking about “HEY THIS IS TIGER”!  GNR!  He might as well have said “Hey, this is Tiger Woods of the PGA, Earl Woods’ son”.  He all but asked for these sidechicks to save his messages for a rainy day!

If you follow us on Twitter, we told ya’ll the other day when this whole accident bullshit came out that it was a farce!  Elin whooped Tiger’s ass with a nine iron and busted up the niggas Escalade!  What I (Vine) think is funny about the situation is that Tiger Woods thought he would bypass all this scally wag tom foolery by marrying a white woman AND recruiting white chicks as jumpoffs!  He thought had he married LaQuita Jackson he would have to deal with ghetto shit.  Well guess what Cablonasian, you still have to deal with it with your Norwegian babysitter!  If that ain’t irony, I don’t know what is.

Now this chick, Rachel Uchitel, has teamed up with Gloria Allred (Vine loves her, Hollywood hates her)!  So you can’t tell me she won’t have a book deal by Friday morning when they ring the bell at the stock market!

Here’s the thing, we are not hardly mad at Rachel or his other jumpoff, Jaimee Grubbs, for spilling the beans!  These broads did not fuck themselves!  Tiger is the one who took vows and while they shouldn’t have fooled with him, he walked straight into this mess, period!  He had no problem using these broads.  Now he’s getting what he deserves!  It’s not their fault that Tiger couldn’t keep it in his pants!  If men would learn to just NOT get married so they can get off with every Rachel, Jamie and Sally that they meet, they wouldn’t have to worry about public scrutiny and muthaluvas being in their business!

I hope Gloria Alred gets fly girl as much as possible.  I’ll buy the book.  If there are more Tiger texts talking about “when is the last time you’ve been fucked”, I’m game!  That’s as much soul as he’s EVA displayed!

…H & V…in a minute

The Govan Gold Diggers…

Well it looks like Shaq has fallen into the trap of yet another notorious “where dem dollas at” bay area broad!  Shaq has been playing house with none other than Oakland native and Gilbert Arenas’ baby mama (who’s sister is also Matt Barnes’ fiancée) Laura Govan! 

Yes, Laura has 2 children and one on the way with Wizards Star Arenas.  Her little sister, Gloria, has twin boys with her fiancée and Phoenix Suns star, Matt Barnes.  It looks like since 2002, Laura has been creeping with Shaq!  And she and Shaunie used to be friends!  Whew!  I’m exhausted just writing this mess!! 

Let me make this absolutely clear…Yes, the Govan sisters are obviously true to the game gold diggers, but I’m not mad at them ONE BIT!  Get yo money!  If these dumb ass fools want to keep having babies and creeping with these broads they get what they deserve! 

And please do not feel sorry for Shaunie O’neal.  Reports are saying that she may be receiving close to $450 million in this impending divorce settlement.  These ladies are just doing what Northern Cali females do best….GETTIN THAT DOUGH!  

Tameka Raymond – Oakland

Dee Dee Abdur-Rahim – Oakland

 Shikiri Hightower-Johnson – Berkeley

Joumana Kidd – Oakland

Shaunie O’Neal – Sacramento

 …just to name  few!  I’m sure we will all be waiting to see who the baby Laura is having will look!

…Hollywood…in a minute

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Michael Vick, Back in the Game???

Unless you live under a rock or in Fresno, you surely know that Michael Vick has signed a 2-year deal with the Philadelphia Eagles.  I can actually speak for Hollywood on this one, too!  GET OVER IT!

I am so sick of people talking about this man and those fucking dogs.  Listen, I was just as mad as the next person when he got caught up in the whole dog fighting scandal.  However, the man temporarily lost his job, probably some family, friends and fans, his large contract, the respect of countless people in his life, AND HE SERVED HIS FUCKING TIME!  What more do some of you want from him?  I am serious.  You complaining ass people who are mad that the NFL gave him a job, for peanuts by the way, tell us what else you think Michael Vick should go through.

What gets me are people saying shit about how inhumane it was to fight dogs and that they deserved better than that.  Well, doesn’t a fellow human being deserve forgiveness, especially after they served their time for a crime?  What happened to that?  Fake ass Christians and do-gooders make me sick!

If you Eagles fans don’t want him there, don’t go to the games or watch.  It’s that simple!  Instead of going to the games and booing everybody and their mother, just stay your ass at home.  Trust, there are plenty of people who will take your place and enjoy the season. 

White people do crazy, illegal shit all the time that puts themselves and other PEOPLE in harm’s way, do ZERO jail time and nobody says shit but “welcome” when they make a comeback.  Michael Vick’s black ass goes to jail and loses damn near everything and you people are still pissed.  Tired of hearing about it!

…in a minute…Vine

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Rihanna the Ripper…

In spite of Rihanna’s rep saying that RiRi and Los Angeles Lakers star Andrew Bynum are not an item, our sources tell us otherwise!

We give her until after the hype of the Lakers winning the championship (Vine’s prediction) dies down, before Rihanna the Ripper will be on to someone new!  Baby girl is too young to spreading herself (and her legs) so thin.

…in a minute

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Celebrities on Twitter…Our Thoughts

As ya’ll know, there are a ton of celebrities on Twitter.  H&V don’t follow all of them, but we follow a few and must speak on it.  Actually, one in particular irritated the shit outta Vine this morning.   But we figured, why single his ass out?!

Britney Spears – She and her people Tweet sometimes.  She might even follow you.  MIGHT!  Compared to other celebs with 60,000 followers who only follow 15 of their fucking fans like Donnie Wahlberg, Britney is more in the spirit of things!

Ashton Kutcher– The supposed Mayor of Twitterville/King of Twitter probably won’t find you important enough to follow, but he occasionally responds to his admirers.

Guiliana Rancic – She’s fun to follow.  Doesn’t take herself too seriously and definitely interacts with everyone.  She even dishes on celebrities from time to time.

Shaq– Funny as shit to follow.  He pretty much responds to all @replies.  So once you get used to skipping over shit that has nothing to do with you, it’s cool.  He’s been known to leave game tickets at Will Call for his Tweeps.

Lamar Odom – Love him on Twitter!  He’s a witty muthafucka.  Read some of his @replies to fans.  He has charisma!  He won’t sit for hours on end talking to people, but he’ll give as many fans as possible attention a good 20-30 minutes almost daily!  And he’s fine as fuck!

Perez Hilton – Unless you’re a celebrity or think he can say/do no wrong, he won’t acknowledge you.

Marvet Britto– For all ya’ll in PR or getting into PR, you need to follow her ass.  Still one of the baddest bitches in the game.  She gives up PR knowledge daily.  She won’t follow you back, but she does respond to pretty much all questions.

Jim Jones – worth following just to try and decipher his damn updates and read about his crazy antics.

Kelly Rowland – Love her!  She’s sweet and down to earth.  Like we all didn’t know that.  She talks about her life on the daily.  She might follow you if you ask her to and she’ll more than likely respond to your @reply.

Paula Abdul – She responds to every fucking body!  She loves being able to speak directly to her fans.  She tweets about Idol a lot, too.

June Ambrose– God love her and she’s talented as hell, but she tweets too damn much.  We both had to unfollow her.  It’s too much.

Solange Knowles– She’s another one who tweets too much, BUT at least she’s funny sometimes.  Like the other day when she was out and the DJ at the spot wouldn’t play her request so she called him a dickhead LOL!

MC Hammer – There are no words.  You must follow him to understand.

Brandy – She keeps it real!  She even talked about Unique the other day!

Evan Ross and Tracee Ellis Ross – We think both of these are fakes!

Derek Hough– He’s a crack up!  Tweetin’ about how Lil Kim comes like 3 hours late to rehearsal and even takes pics of the clock LOL!

Star Jones – We don’t give a fuck what anyone says, we like Star.  She’s honest, but not too over the top!  She probably won’t follow you, but she will respond to you!

Tyrese – He’s hilarious.  Worth the follow.  He might actually speak to non-celebrity followers, too.

Fantasia – Fake account.  The real Fantasia is not on Twitter! 

Day 26 – Can’t stand these pretentious barely celebrities!  They do not follow their fans nor do they respond!  How the fuck you gonna be traveling around promoting your album and when fans ask when and where you’ll be making an appearance, you don’t respond to them?  What the hell kinda sense does that make?  Day 26, ya’ll are pissing off your fans…with ya’ll down low asses (allegedly)!

We’ll be updating this list from time to time so check back!

Any other celebrity Twitter insight?  Tell H&V all about it!

H&V…in a minute

Out & About…

Houston Rockets stars Aaron Brooks and Ron Artest were kickin’ it at Tear Drop in Portland last night/this morning.  Artest was seen giving his number to an unknown white woman. 

THIS is how these niggas don’t progress in the playoffs.  Out chillin’ hollerin’ at broads instead of resting and focusing on the damn series!  They’ll never learn!

Oh my, Clyde ‘the Glide’ Drexler and Jerome Kersey were there, too!  They know good and hell well they are too old to be in the club and shit LOL!

…in a minute