Real Housewives of OC: S5 Episode 4

Oh no, Vicki is tryna play matchmaker with Breanna and one of her colleague’s son!  This has disaster written all over it.  Dayum, did ya’ll see that big ass gumbo pot full of Top Ramen that Breanna was making?  Hmmm, so far so good, but I’m sure the thought of Vicki being his mother-in-law will scare him off!

Gretchen hopped a plane out to Michigan to see Jeff’s kids and bury his ashes with them.  I’m glad that his kids have stuck by Gretchen and not let assholes like Tamra shake their belief in what was real to them and their father!

Over at Vicki’s for the BBQ she put together to welcome Chris, Tacky Tam and her tacky ass family showed up.  Who is she to say that it’s weird that Chris flew out to Cali to meet Breanna?  She is so damn NEGATIVE.  I know that is funny coming from us, but shit, at least we find the good in some shit.  She can’t find the good in pay day!  Her gay, ill-mannered son, Ryan, showed up acting like a lil bitch!  How are you technically going to steal someone’s car and not apologize to them for it?  Team Simon on this one!  Ryan needs to get his license back along with a job and stop taking shit that don’t belong to him!

Alexis and Jim are enjoying lunch together, looks like the Ritz-Carlton, Marina del Rey.  He just gave her a sweet piece of jewelry.  I can’t hate.  So far so good.  I like those two.  There is nothing wrong with putting your husband and kids on a pedestal.  Frankly, it’s supposed to be like that, especially when he does the same to you.

Over to the pot house, the Curtins have called in some chick named Vanessa who’s supposed to know kids better than adults.  I can’t with Raquel, Alexis and this sham of a woman.  Uh oh, wait a minute.  Alexa is being honest.  You see, she is desperate to talk to someone!  She’s starved for attention.  She just said it…finally someone to listen to her, not talk over her!  She’s a very smart girl.  I hope she keeps her head on straight and stop walking around looking like Paris Hilton.  That’s not cute in spite of what teenage white girls think!

Oh no, Breanna and old boy don’t seem to be feelin each other any more.  Why not get the man out the house and do something?  Nobody wants to sit up in your mama’s house for a weekend.  That was uncomfortable to watch!

Lord, Breanna took this poor guy to a damn yogurt place.  He did not come out to Cali for this.  She’s boring as hell!  I wouldn’t have had much to say to her either.

Jeff’s kids took Gretchen to the cemetery where they plan to bury his ashes!  I will not let myself cry!  I will not!  I’m just thankful that they all are still connected.  I think that would’ve warmed Jeff’s heart.

Over at Tacky Tam’s wig party, Lynne just walked in looking like Nancy Drew’s mama!  Like she was hiding behind a bush spying on Alexa on a date!  Maybe if Tam would save some of that vodka money and stop having parties, they’d have a bit of extra cash.  Why don’t think drink tequila…that is the family business now, right?

Tamra and Ryan are grabbing a bite together.  Evidently, Ryan got drunk, jumped off a tour bus and broke his foot in 4 places…..cuz that was a good fucking idea!  Now he’s gettin ready to go to jail for 5 days.  Ryan ain’t slick.  He didn’t do that community service cuz he doesn’t have the money to pay for it.  I got your number!

Looks like next week Donn and Vicki are gonna have to put Simon and Tamra in their place.  I’ve been waiting for these two to fall out.  I hope it doesn’t disappoint.

…Vine…in a minute

Real Housewives of OC: S5 Episode 3

Greedy Gretchen and Slade are in Scottsdale for a party!  How is Slade excited about marrying Gretchen and having 4 more kids when he can’t even take care of the kids he already has?  Sit your ass down without reversing your vasectomy and keep it moving!  Gretchen, enjoy this man, don’t marry him or have his kids!

Lord have mercy, Jeana has everyone in the house, even Matt!  Is she crazy?  That woman is too nice for her own good.  Having that toxic man in the house is only showing her sons who to treat women….and it ain’t like a princess!

Enters the new housewife, Alexis.  She and Jim have 2 twins and a 3-year-old son.  She looks good.  Not as good looking as Greedy Gretchen, but good.  The two of them seem to have a fun, loving relationship.

Jeana dropped by Vicki’s.  It’s funny that Vicki said Jeana stirs the pot when she is the QUEEN of kicking up shit!  You wait until Vicki needs a true friend.  I bet she’ll gain some sensitivity toward others then!

Back in AZ, Slade is acting like a douche who ain’t been anywhere before!  His shirts all unbuttoned lookin like a cat daddy, sort of, kissing Gretchen like that all in public!  It was just too damn much!  He’s so gross.  Remember back in Season 1 when he had money and looked good?  Now he just looks like an indie film director…..from Australia.

Alexis and Jim are at Tam’s for July 4th.  Alexis was killing it in that bikini while Tamra sat there staring at her with a muu muu on LOL!  When has Tamra ever walked around a pool without her bikini flashing that body she claims is so bangin?  Bitch was green with envy watching Alexis play in HER pool with her beautiful kids, husband who loves her, nanny on standby AND a 17 carat diamond ring! 

Greedy Gretchen and Alexis have evidently been friends for a year.  Good, Gretchen will get a break while Vicki and Tamra focus their hate on Alexis!

Kara, Shane hasn’t told a woman he loves her in 23 years of life cuz his ass don’t like women!!

Finally, the private party at La Perla…Lynne asked Alexis if she had a surrogate.  She looked at Lynne like BITCH, I had this rich man’s three babies and STILL look this good!  Overall, the whole party was a let down.  I thought some real shit was gonna pop off.

Notice that Jeana’s kids love coming home to see her?  Vicki has to pay her kids to spend time with her!  Just sayin.

Ooops, more La Perla.  Here comes Vicki talkin about she’s the only one who works in the crowd.  Please honey.  And the only reason that Tamra was nice to Gretchen is cuz she was puttin on a front in front of Alexis and Jeff, who’s friends with Simon!  Please believe it.

Looks like it’s the end of Jeana, for now.  I will truly miss her presence, but I’m glad she left on her terms!  Maybe when things stabilize for her, she’ll return! 

Do you guys think the show will be better or worse without Jeana?

…Vine…in a minute

Real Housewives of OC: S5 Episode 2

OMG they have carried this dumbass argument into another episode??  Drag much, Bravo?!  Tacky Tamra, YOU are the one who started the fight talkin’ about “bring it on”, but now you are 41 years old and have 4 kids!  Wait a minute, wasn’t Vicki the one up Gretchen’s ass last season talkin about she needed to have Jeff leave her insurance cuz her full-time job was loving and taking care of him?  Does she think we forgot about that?  Now all of a sudden she took the old man for a ride?  I’d whoop Tamra’s ass, but Gretchen got the last laugh so she doesn’t care!  I hope Lynne sees who her real friends are…the two that stayed there with her!

Why is Lynne laughing about her teenage daughter asking to have “one beer” for “relaxation”?  That is far from funny.  In fact, it sounds like another cry for help that Lynne is laughing to loud to hear@@  Everyone sees it but her. 

Slade needs to put that little penis away and Lynne needs to cover them old ass titties.  Nobody wants to see any of that!

Can Tamra and Vicki do something besides get together and stuff their wrinkled faces?  How are they “best friends” yet Vicki had no idea that Tam’s financial situation was as dire as it was?  Sounds like a bullshit friendship to me.  I know more about the lives of friends I met on Twitter than these two busy bodies know about each other.  So Simon is only earning money with his tequila business??  WHY?  He was making plenty of money at the car dealership.  Why wouldn’t he go back to that?  People with families really kill me pulling stunts like this.  I know you don’t wanna sit back behind that desk after living high on the hog, creating your own schedule for a couple of years, but muthaluva, you have kids and a wife whether you want her or not.  Take yo ass to work!  Tamra, take YO ass to work!  That is just ridiculous.  They’re the same two Republicans who think that people shouldn’t sit on their asses when they’re capable of working……but they ain’t workin!  Hypocrites.

Now Jeana is our girl!  She sold some cars, jewelry, art AND the bitch is still working!  That is what you do when you are hurting financially!  I love Jeana for that.  She’s driving that old school big body Benz.  Shit, it’s paid for!  You go Jeana.

Breanna finished her nursing program in 3 years when it usually takes 7 years!  Good for her.  That’s a wonderful accomplishment.  HOWEVA, you can’t tell me that she did that for any other reason than to get started on her career and away from Vicki’s nutty ass LMAO!  Breanna is like I’m OUT!  As a gift, Vicki is treating her and her mother to an Italian vacation.  This should be a train wreck!

Why is Gretchen tryna hawk shit on some hidden side street?  She should create an eBay account and sell her shit to nutjobs like Kim Kardashian does.

What parent in their right mind would take their child to a plastic surgeon to discuss getting work done?  This little girl ain’t old enough to buy a fucking drink, but you’re gonna pay for her to have her body cut up…cuz there’s a lot of competition in Orange County?  No wonder Alexa and Raquel are fucked in the head.  This girl has severe self-esteem issues.  It bothers me that Lynne is trying to put a band-aid over it instead of dealing with the issues.  This is downright pathetic!  And where is the father?  No real man should sit there and watch his daughter feel like that about herself!!  The Curtins SUCK as parents!

Vicki’s mama in Rome is exactly why people in other countries can’t stand Americans!  Damn that woman was ornery as hell.  I’m sorry, I woulda left her ass at home, mother or not!

Back over to Lynne and her two head cases…it’s sad when the 17-year-old is so upset that her mom and sister want to fuck with themselves via surgery that she starts crying!  I’m just smh.  Lynne is too dumb to read between the lines.  Alexa is NOT mad that Raquel gets more material shit.  She’s upset cuz she’s acting out by drinking, etc. and all her parents seem to notice or care about are Raquel’s looks and what kind of car she’s driving!  That little girl is in desperate need of loving parents!  I’m actually upset watching this right now.

Why did it take being broke for Tamra to clean her own house?  The bitch don’t work and has no newborns.  What are you too busy doing that you can’t clean up after your own family?

Kara transferred to UCLA and got a job.  She pays her own rent and slowed down the shopping!  Jeana might be an emotional eater, but damnit, she raised that girl right!  Wait a minute, did I know that she got a boob job?  Or are these new?

Back in Rome, Vicki is acting like the Italians are fucked up cuz she’s blond and should be going out of their way to understand her and her English speaking self.  Her words, not mine!  Sorry babe, you are in their country.  Why the hell should they speak so that you can comprehend?  You have so much money, why didn’t you hire a translator to roll with you the whole time?  Idiots.  I know those people are going to be so glad for Vicki and nem to leave.

Simon and Tacky Tamra went out to dinner with Jim and Alexis.  The two of them are so in love while Simon and his mistake have 3 feet worth of air between them!  Tamra should not be airing their dirty, marital laundry.  That’s why he can’t stand her!

Tamra and Simon are meeting with someone about listing their home.  She couldn’t even spit out one tear.  She’s so full of shit.  If she were that attached to her home, then she woulda been handling business.  Get off your flat lazy ass and work…earn some money and pay your damn bills!  Hell, get a part-time job if you have to, but to act now like she’s so devastated?  Get outta here with that.

…Vine…in a minute

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Real Housewives of OC: S5 Episode 1

Yes, actually, I do realize that I’m about 5 weeks behind.  You’ve been here long enough to know what I always say…better late than never.  Shit, I’ve been going through Atlanta Housewives withdrawal and anger since the last season ended.  I believe I’m ready to move on and give the OC bitches my undivided attention.

If I have to hear Vicky talkin’ about her vagina love tank again this season, I’m not going to get far.

It’s funny that Lynne said it’s not about how much money you have…Of course she said that cuz she ain’t got no damn money!

Breanna, Michael and Vicky are on their way to sky diving!  White folk, why are ya’ll always tryna cheat death?  Michael can’t stand her ass.  I hate to say it, but he looks like he’s secretly hoping her parachute malfunctions!!  You notice Michael’s ass was on the ground watching?  He was not gonna fuck up his possible payday by jumping, too. 

Over to Jeana and Colton.  How in the hell did Jeana burn out a clutch in one flippin outing?  Broke people need to drive better!  I’m not being funny; she’s even saying herself that her income has decreased by 2/3!  That is a whole lotta damn money!  She better stop eating $200 lunches at the St. Regis and learn to fucking cook like everybody else on a budget!

Tacky Tamra is such a piece of trash!  Why are you allowing your homeboy to say tea bag in the middle of a child’s party?  Simon can’t stand that broad.  I don’t know what happened, but I KNOW he ain’t fillin up her love tank these days with his pump!

Greedy Gretchen still looks good in spite of everyone talking shit about her over the past year!  I really don’t like Slade and Gretchen together, but I also don’t think she truly cares about that man!  Gretchen is still grieving Jeff’s loss.  She just wants someone there to comfort her, snuggle with her and spend time with her.  When she gets out of that place, she won’t give a damn about Slade’s non-child support paying, broke ass!  Watch! 

Over to Lynne in her rented by Bravo home.  How are you trying to have your accessories carried in a store that you can’t even pronounce?  That is a pet peeve of mine.  It’s Fred Segal, not SegalS.  It’s Nordstom, not NordstromS.  It’s Tiffany & Co., not TiffanyS!  Learn it…use it, Lynne.

Here goes Vicky bitching at Donn as if he’s the hired help!  You know why Vicky is so mad at bitches like Gretchen and the new girl?  Cuz she resents being the breadwinner in her home.  Well guess what honey?  YOU were part of the decision made that Donn would be in the home doing his thing while you were building an empire.  Don’t complain now.  And speaking of Bravo paying for shit for the housewives, can they PLEASE buy Vicky’s ass a face lift?  I’m not tryna be mean, I’m serious.  She has a decent figure for an almost 50-year-old woman, her business is on point, but that sun damage combined with aging is catching up to her!  She needs some work done.  At least some Patricia Wexler products.

Vicky and Tacky Tam are together having drinks, natch!  Damn right Simon is controlling.  He’s probably looking at Tacky Tam like she’s the one who caused all this shit!  If she weren’t tryna keep up with the Joneses, they’d still have some money. 

Vicky said that Jeana asked her for some money and she said no.  I’m on the fence about that.  I feel Vicky; money and friendship, especially that kind of money, don’t typically mix.  On the other hand, Vicky and Jeana have been bffs for quite some time.  How could she turn her back on Jeana in her time of need?  Maybe not all the money, but damn, at least some.  I would never turn my back on Hollywood like that and she wouldn’t do that to me either, period!!

Maybe if Tacky Tamra would spend more time worrying about her own on the rocks marriage instead of Gretchen’s love affairs, then her husband wouldn’t hate the sight of her ass!  She is a bitch!!  Now she done latched onto Lynne cuz Lynne is doing something with herself.  Tamra should fuck with Slade; they are both opportunistic wannabes!

This is why we love Gretchen!  She stood tall and owned up to her bullshit that came out during the off-season.  Yeah, she was in a fucked up place.  Who wouldn’t be after they lost their fiance?  I’m sure she was fucked up day in and day out, hanging around with a bunch of party all the time losers!  But she dusted herself off and she’s still standing tall, just as blond and cute as she was last season!  Team Gretchen!

Why is Lynne so pressed to be accepted by this broad?  Fuck Tamra and her broke, jealous ass!  I wouldn’t be friends with anyone who talked about me like a dog the way that she did about Lynne and Gretchen.  I’m glad Gretchen told Lynne about herself!  Still, the million dolla question is how did Gretchen’s alleged boyfriend get Tamra’s number?  Hmmmm.

Lynne’s is doing all she can to ensure that her daughter, Alexa, ends up on a pole!  Why is your 17-year-old parading down a random street with a bikini on?  That shit ain’t cute.  Lynne better worry about raising them daughters better before she tries to launch an international accessory line.

It is 2009.  Why does Lynne always look like the lead in some bad 80s porn? 

You see Simon told Tam to show some class!  Call me crazy, but I sincerely believe that he thinks her acting a fool last season had something to do with his business taking a nosedive!

Vicki is so ridiculous.  Lynne is supposed to be your acquaintance, at the least.  You couldn’t put on her jewelry for one damn night?  She’s just rude.  Gretchen has on a plum-colored slip and still puts these heffas to shame.  THAT is why they hate her ass.  Nothing more, nothing less.  Poor Jeana, all she wants to do is eat her way through the tension.  Tamra, if you’re tired of Gretchen looking like the good girl, then stop acting like you grew up in East St. Louis where she’s concerned!  Leave that woman alone.  You keep talking shit about her and she ignores you.  That’s why she looks good to the public. 

Tamra is a bold faced liar!  Straight up.  I can’t even deal with this little confrontation anymore.  I’m over this bitch talking down to Gretchen as if she’s so much better!  Vicki has some nerve saying that Gretchen was mean after all the bullshit that just came out of Tam’s mouth!  Tamra, if Gretchen preyed on old men, they why is she with Slade right now?  Bitches like that don’t give a damn…they stick to what works for them and their bank account!  JEALOUSY!

If ya’ll can remember back this far, what did you think of the season premiere?  It’s gonna be a good season, I knowz it.

…Vine…in a minute

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6 Figure Sex…

Almost nothing shocks me, but damnit if this didn’t make me speechless!  According to Perez Hilton, Jaimee Grubbs, Tiger’s other mistress, was paid $150,000 to spill her guts to US Weekly (the issue is currently on newsstands)!  WHAT?  A hunned and fiddy thousand dollas!  Ain’t that a bitch?

Women, I want you to take a minute and think about all the no good muthauckas you’ve ever slept with.  Now think about the ones you slept with who barely took you to dinner…drinks…a movie…a walk in the park!  My point exactly!  I’m not saying what Jaimee Grubbs did was right, but I understand.  How many of ya’ll have had 6-figure sex??

…Vine…in a minute

Elin to Tiger…’Run Me My Money’

We told ya’ll that Elin Nordegren knew what she was doing!  Looks like Tiger’s loving wife who’s supposedly going to stick by her man, is making sure that they at least stay attached financially!

Elin’s initial prenuptial agreement will give her $20 million should she and Tiger divorce after 10 years of marriage.  Obviously, he went to Jaimee Grubbs and Rachel Uchitel to cure his 7 year itch.  Now the nanny Elin and her attorneys are revising the hell out of that prenup. 

According to the Chicago Sun-Times, Tiger has transferred a large 7 figure sum of money into Elin’s personal account just to keep her with him!  Elin has also, allegedly, demanded a complete rewrite of the prenup! 

Tiger’s image has already taken a big hit with this scandal.  The “when was the last time you’ve been fucked” text messages and threesome dreams made sure of that!  He needs to go on ahead and leave Elin’s ass now and just take one big hit one good time!  Otherwise, he’s going to end up paying his live-in babysitter Elin more money than he’d care to!

Trust, Elin was not a nanny for a pro golfer by mistake!  She knew what she was doing.  She’s striking while the iron is hot, just like the mistresses!  She ain’t slick. 

Updates:  Allegedly Elin was given $5 million to stay with Woods.  Elin has renegotiated to receive a supposed $55 million settlement for staying married to Tiger less than the original 10 years if they split.  Should she leave after 7 years, she stands to earn upwards of $80 million!  DING!!!!

…Vine…in a minute

Rachel Uchitel’s Payday

If you haven’t been living under a rock or you’re messy like us, then you know one of Tiger Woods’ mistresses, Rachel Uchitel, had a press conference scheduled for today!  Well, bitch cancelled.  This has Gloria Allred written all over it.

Now word on the street is that Mr. Woods reached out to Rachel last night and offered to pay her off!  Didn’t we say that she’d have a book deal by Friday?  Well it’s Thursday and no way in hell did Gloria Alred let her accept an offer that wouldn’t pay her what a book and appearances would have…and then some! 

Tiger, next time you see a hot chick that you’d like to fuck, I’d suggest writing her a check instead.  It will cause you less grief and make you seem like a generous, nice guy!

…Vine…in a minute

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Golf Club…

Where do we start?  He is so stupid!  What kinda self-respecting playa would leave a voice message talking about “HEY THIS IS TIGER”!  GNR!  He might as well have said “Hey, this is Tiger Woods of the PGA, Earl Woods’ son”.  He all but asked for these sidechicks to save his messages for a rainy day!

If you follow us on Twitter, we told ya’ll the other day when this whole accident bullshit came out that it was a farce!  Elin whooped Tiger’s ass with a nine iron and busted up the niggas Escalade!  What I (Vine) think is funny about the situation is that Tiger Woods thought he would bypass all this scally wag tom foolery by marrying a white woman AND recruiting white chicks as jumpoffs!  He thought had he married LaQuita Jackson he would have to deal with ghetto shit.  Well guess what Cablonasian, you still have to deal with it with your Norwegian babysitter!  If that ain’t irony, I don’t know what is.

Now this chick, Rachel Uchitel, has teamed up with Gloria Allred (Vine loves her, Hollywood hates her)!  So you can’t tell me she won’t have a book deal by Friday morning when they ring the bell at the stock market!

Here’s the thing, we are not hardly mad at Rachel or his other jumpoff, Jaimee Grubbs, for spilling the beans!  These broads did not fuck themselves!  Tiger is the one who took vows and while they shouldn’t have fooled with him, he walked straight into this mess, period!  He had no problem using these broads.  Now he’s getting what he deserves!  It’s not their fault that Tiger couldn’t keep it in his pants!  If men would learn to just NOT get married so they can get off with every Rachel, Jamie and Sally that they meet, they wouldn’t have to worry about public scrutiny and muthaluvas being in their business!

I hope Gloria Alred gets fly girl as much as possible.  I’ll buy the book.  If there are more Tiger texts talking about “when is the last time you’ve been fucked”, I’m game!  That’s as much soul as he’s EVA displayed!

…H & V…in a minute