The Hills: 5/11/09 Recap

WHY does Audrina have that Debbie Gibson hat on again?  Lauren and Lo are wrong for not tellin’ her that she looks like a fucking fool.  Evidently, Justin Bobby heard about Hawaii.  I wonder who told him? producers

Lauren’s tryna talk to Stephanie about work and Steph’s talkin’ about a dude.

Heidi and her pump wearin’ co-worker are talkin’ about “Stacie the Bartender” again.  Co-worker said that Stacie needs to “step off already” LOL!  I ain’t heard step off since Big Daddy Kane and New Jack City!  Go white girl.

Stephanie looked like she had boxers on at work!  Her ass was almost hangin’ out.  This bitch is bout to get fired in this episode ya’ll, ain’t she?  She’s talkin’ on that phone like she’s in her living room.  LC told her not to forget to do some shit and Steph said “I’ll try”, then went BACK to the dude on the phone and said “no, it’s not a bad time” LOL!  At least she’s funny.

Audrina is at a work function with some terrible band called “Script” performing.  Does anyone else notice the irony in that? 

Over at Smashbox Studios Lo and LC realize that Steph did not pack up all the right clothes for some shoot!  Duh, LC shoulda checked that shit before she left the office in the first damn place.  Yeah, Steph fucked up, but LC shoulda double checked.  She knows her friend ain’t about shit.  To top it off, this bitch was like call someone else because I’m on lunch!  Her whole day at work is a lunch break. 

Heidi went down to the bar to talk to Stacie the Bartender.  Does Heidi realize how fucking lame she looked sittin’ at a bar ranting about her own fucked up alleged husband boyfriend.

Audrina and her implants went to meet Justin Bobby to tell him that it’s totally over this time!  If it’s over, then why even meet up with this fool?  These muthafuckas love the drama!  HOLD UP…does Justin Bobby have on some Milli Vanilli boots, striped clown socks and capri pants?  Okay, that alone shoulda been why she left his ass!

Does Audrina own a comb?  I mean for real, this flower child “natural” look is a bit over the top.  Comb your damn hair!

Over at Speidi’s, they’re STILL arguing about Stacie the bartender.  Heidi is ranting about how she felt like she was in “satan’s dungeon” while at the bar…then bitch, why did you go down there?  Just because the broad asked you to didn’t mean you had to!  Fucking idiots!

Back at LC and Steph’s job, Kelly just walked in and I KNOW she’s bout to wreck shop!  Yep, just called LC into her office.  Steph’s ass is about to be out of a fake job!  LMAO @ Kelly talkin’ about she hasn’t had a lunch break in 5 years!  I told ya’ll that lunch break shit was bull!  Now she got-ta go by the end of the week!  THIS is why you don’t refer friends to jobs AND let your boss know that you know they ass!

Boring episode if you ask me.

…Vine…in a minute

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The Hills: 5/4/09 Recap

I am so catching up on my DVR today!  Not one word about the lateness of my recap.

Before I get started, I wanna know how Speidi is on a show about celebrities when they ain’t even celebrities?  Just wonderin…

Aight, so now I’m seeing the Audrina-Brody fucking in Hawaii fallout.  What world is this bitch living in talking about “aren’t I allowed to date?”  Um, NO, not when you’re “dating” someone else’s boyfriend.  And when did one night stands become dating? 

Why does Heidi’s co-worker have on those 1980’s Lily Tomlin in 9-5 black pumps!  Horrible.

Heidi and Co. are at HWood tryna spy on Spencer and Stacie the bartender.  How are you gonna spy on someone with a camera crew next to you?  Stacie and her friends had the nerve to come over and sit with them.  What the fuck?  This is how I know this shit is fake.  White girl, black girl, whatever, shit wouldn’t have gone down like that in real life.

Same with Jayde and Audrina.  Team LC is hangin at someone’s house.  Audrina just came through and Jayde is there with Brody.  She’s pretty calm.  Huh?  What man do ya’ll know who encourages his girlfriend and his one night stand to have a private conversation?  Wait a minute, did Brody’s ass just tell Audrina that he’s sorry she had to deal with this?  I woulda slapped the shit outta Brody for that…then I woulda left his ass!  I wish this dumb ass broad would do the same…make room for LC!

Back in Spencer’s hell on earth, also known as couple’s therapy!  I can’t believe I’m gonna say this, but Spencer is right.  Heidi ain’t have no business lookin’ in his damn phone.  For real, that is his shit.  Women are gonna learn to stop lookin’ for shit where their men are concerned.  Yo ass gonna find it…Look at what happened to Khloe Kardashian.  That’s my girl, but she shouldn’t been checkin that niggas voice mail…but I digress.

By the time Heidi gets back from I’m a D-List Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, she’s sure to need a chiropractor!  How is that tiny ass neck of hers holding up all that weave?

Stephanie loves to be in the middle of some shit, don’t she?  She and Audrina just rolled up in the club and invited themselves to join Brody’s group at a table.  These bitches don’t even have dignity anymore!  The only one I like is Jayde’s homegirl who keeps getting in Audrina’s face!  Since Jayde clearly can’t speak up for herself, she needs her girl to do it.  Oh wait, now she has plenty of shit to say…now that Audrina just walked away.  Typical. 

Audrina is complaining that Brody shoulda stepped in while they ganged up on her!  WHY?  That’s his bitch!  He did the right thing.  These broads kill me with all this self-entitlement bullshit!  Like you can just fuck someone’s man and then still kick it with him actin’ like ya’ll been buddies for a decade so it’s cool.  It ain’t cool and Jayde shoulda pulled out one of her tracks on GP!

Audrina played herself, plain and simple! 

Sidebar: This episode is so old that I just saw a commercial for the season finale of Taking the Stage.  So, Cocktail from For the Love of Ray J was chillin at a club in Ohio with Tyler from TTS!  I told her she musta been bored!  She didn’t respond LOL!

Remember that Debbie Gibson video from back in the day when she had on the ill-fitting black hat?  Well Audrina just showed up for lunch with Lauren and Lo wearing it!  Lauren is giving Audrina bad advice.  HOW does she figure Brody owes Audrina an apology?  Audrina knew the game and she fucked with him anyway.  That’s on her…not him!

Spencer is back at therapy because he’s contractually bound to do so!  Blah blah blah…

Lauren and her future husband, Brody, got together to shoot their scene talk about what’s going on.  God I love them together.  I see why she’s gettin the hell off this sinking ship!  It’s a total train wreck and adding Kristin Cavalleri ain’t hardly gonna make it better.  I cannot stand her ass!  Lookin’ forward to tearing her up on a weekly basis!

If ya’ll can remember back this far, what did you think of the show? 

…Vine…in a minute

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H & V Update

We know you’ve missed us!  We’ve missed you, too.  So sorry to have been MIA for about a week (or two), but to say we’ve been having major computer issues is an understatement.  Still not totally fixed, but good enough for a few updates!

Also, you guys need to be following us on Twitter.  That’s a lot easier for us to give updates via Blackberry when computers are on the fritz!

So, we have a lot to discuss and catch up on over the next day or two…American Idol finale, DWTS finale, Real Housewives franchise, The Game…all kinds of shit!

Until then…

H & V…in a minute

Real Housewives of NY: Season 2 Reunion Part I

I am so fucking excited to press play on this shit you guys!  Probably a bit nervous, too.  I hope my girls Bethenny and Jill Zarin are back on Hamptons terms at this point. We’ll see in a minute.  Let me refill my wine glass one-mo-gen before I start.

SHIT!  The snippets are enough to make me grab the whole damn bottle.  How did my bitches all fall out like this?  Aight, let me just watch what happens.

So it seems like they put the nice looking women on the right and the ducks on the left.  Yes, ducks!  Andy’s boring ass is starting with the off camera drama.  Jill Zarin evidently took herself from a 32G to a something DD.  She had the girls reduced and lifted.  Good for her.  If you can spend 16 racks on a handbag, then you should make sure your tits look good for a sexy muthafucka like Bobby Vegas, period dot! 

People are talking about Bethenny’s boobs.  Andy talked over her so much it sounded like Elisabeth on the fucking View.  The gist is that she has had a breast lift before.  WHO took the time to notice Bethenny’s boobs in a bikini when the rest of her body was so fucking off the hook.  Clearly, a black person didn’t ask that question.  Just keepin’ it real.  So, Ms. B’s book Naturally Thin is a NY Times Best Seller and did you see the look on Kelly’s face?  That, my dear readers, was the unmistakable look of jealousy and envy!  Bitch was PISSED that B has a best seller and all she got was bad press and a gay love interest out of this season!  That’s what she gets for being such an asshole!  B did NOT deny dating A-Rod; she only said that she has been playing the field

Here we go on ex-Countess Lu.  She confirmed that she got an email from the Count.  She was shocked apparently.  I still think part of the shock was that he left for an African, but what do I know?  I’m gonna show my sensitive side for a hot second, so don’t get used to it…that is fucked up that this muthafucka sent her an email calling off their marriage after 16 years.  I don’t give a damn if he were married to me for 16 minutes, he woulda owed me more than that!  I hope she takes his ass to the cleaners.  Maybe she’ll own a piece of the Suez Canal after the divorce is final.  I want ex-Countess Lu to change her hair just a bit.  Awww shit, she gets to keep her title.  Now I guess I can’t call her ex-Countess.  Lu spoke of the rumors about Alex and the Ethiopian Princess.  She said she’s not sure whether or not she’s a Princess, but thinks his people leaked that tidbit in order to make it seem like he wasn’t just fucking an African bitch (my interpretation).  Here’s my question.  Who the fuck wants to be a Princess in Ethiopia?

On to girl Alex.  She talked of being laid off, but never mentioned her career.  However, she’s working as a consultant now and couldn’t resist name dropping and bragging about herself, natch!

Kelly “Kellamity” Bensimon and her legal issues are up next.  Let’s see how the bitch spins this.  She starts this long winded song and dance about how horrible this younger guy was that she dated.  Bethenny interrupted asking why he wasn’t on the show ROFLMAO!  I love her.  Kelly claims that the guy lied about her abusing him…that he walked to the police precinct and called the Post and flat out lied.  Now she’s shedding those fake white girl tears about how she has worked so hard since she was a kid to build her name and now he’s tarnished it!  Bethenny is CLEARLY not buying it and I ain’t either.  Oh sorry, neither is Ramona.  I don’t believe this fucking shit!  Something ain’t right about this broad, I’m sorry.  After how she behaved on the show, it’s difficult to believe her now!  Andy ain’t holdin’ back.  He asked Kell about the allegations that she stole designs for her “jewelry line”.  She said the accuser worked for Elle Magazine while she was there, but obviously the new “recession vocation” is to use or harm someone who’s doing well.  Cry me a river bitch!  Bethenny and Jill Zarin said they didn’t get the memo.  Those two are like Lucy and Ethel!  I’m telling you, they don’t need the dead weight.  Ditch these back up singers like Beyonce did and get your own show!  I LOVE that Kelly acts like she’s so above everyone else…braggin’ about how she’s the daughter of a “lawyer”, yet she said “according to who”.  It’s according to WHOM you dumb ass fool!  I love when idiots show their true ignorance.  Hollywood and I might cuss like sailors and act out on our blog, but we ain’t dummies.  Yes, ain’t!  Ramona is so disgusted with Kelly’s bragadocious ways that she rolled her eyes.  I don’t halfway like her shit startin’ ass either, but that was hilarious!

Does Ramona realize how little rhythm she has watching back all those clips?  I am SO GLAD another viewer thinks her ass has not rhythm.  Uh oh, hold up, Jill Zarin called her on this “I’ve been working on my skin care line for a year and a half”!  Jill flat out said she thinks she’s lying.  Ramona back peddled sayin’ she MIGHT have gotten the dates wrong.  Uh huh, sure!

Aight, Ramona goes on about how she grew up in an abusive household where her mother was abused by her father.  She said she learned to let shit roll off her back but every now and then will throw out a comment when she’s fed up.  Basically, she blamed her tackiness on her childhood.  I can feel what she’s saying, but shit Ramona, you’re a grown ass woman now.  Own up to your fucked up ways and keep it movin.  What’s so hard about that?

Some dumb ass viewer wrote in tellin’ Lu that a 15 year age difference IS quite a bit.  Honey, grow up!  15 years ain’t shit.  Where are these people….Utah?

Ramona and Lu are at each other’s throats over Ramona calling the Count an “old man”.  Well shit, if the shoe fits.  But I do see Lu’s side (God I’m gettin’ soft) about feeling the shit was out of line with Victoria in the room.  That’s true any way you slice it.

I’m with the personwho wrote in nominating LuLu for the who gives a shit about your title award.  Lu is a damn lie sayin’ that she uses the title for charity work, etc.  Sooooo was it charity work when she called Ms. B on the carpet for introducing her stuck up ass as LuAnn to the driver?  Keep it real LuAnn…Keep it real.  A lot of people would have a lot more respect for you if you did!  She actually had the nerve to come out her mouth and said she doesn’t take herself too seriously!  LuAnn really makes it tough to like her.

Bravo thinks they’re funny showing this clip of Simex and their soft core porn this season.  By the way, I do realize that everyone on Earth besides me calls them “Silex”, but I like Simex better.  It reminds me of Timex, which is bootleg, sort of like them.  Alex clarifies that their parenting book is about their experience as parents.  Okay, I can live with that better than them tryna teach other people how to parent cuz Yogi and Frank are two bad ass heathens!

Hold up, did Ramona just have the fucking balls to ask Alex if Simon abuses her emotionally or physically?  What the fuck is wrong with this broad?  I think that she left some pieces outta that story about her childhood.  I think that she used to catch some of that abuse, too, cuz her ass is cray-zee!  Leave it to Bethenny to lighten the mood.  God love her!

They showed clips of B’s finest moments this season.  Natch, Kell looks like she wants to spit on her!  Alex starts going off on Bethenny cuz she feels like B is a coward and talks behind her back!  Alex, shut UP please!

Ramona made some bullshit remark about Bethenny in her blog.  The shit hurt B’s feeling.  I am glad to see that Jill Zarin is there for our girl Bethenny!  That confirms for me that the bullshit at the charity event is way in the past!  You know, Ramona is such a cold piece of work that I can’t even say more about her.  I know ya’ll will have plenty to say.  I’m not lettin her ass wear me out before I watch the Jersey bitches tonight! 

Until Thursday….Vine

Charm School Season 3 – Episode 1

This has to be one of the dumbest shows that 51 Minds has come up with.  But I will give LaLa her props for jumping on the bandwagon and getting her Executive Producer credit!

Thank you Chris Abrego for putting the Real Chance of Lovegirls with the dirty,  trashy, alcoholic, drug addicted chicks from Rock of Love Tour Bus!  They make US look like Angels and that’s saying a lot.  All of them self proclaimed whores do is get drunk, fight, obviously get tattoos and piercings in their damn FACE!  What the fuck! 

This will probably be the last time I report on this bullshit because it’s just too stupid and boring!  I’d rather watch New York artificially inseminate a pig or Irv Gotti try to be a good Dad but a piece of shit husband!  Go Figure!

…Hollywood…in a minute

Real Housewives of NY: Season 2 Finale Recap

All good things must come to an end!  This season is no different.  Enjoy the episode and recap now, cuz in an hour (for me) there will be no more Jill Zarin, Bobby Vegas, Bethenny, Roller Girl OR Kelly and her non hip havin’ ass to talk about each week till next season!

Just watchin’ the recap of how Kell talked to Bethenny riled me up for tonight.  She better be on her best behavior or else! 

Over to Jill Zarin’s Upper East Side condo, the girls are meeting to discuss final preparations for Jill’s fundraiser.  Guess whose ass is late?  Ramona and her bad hair cut.  Aww shit, she and Jill are having it out over whether or not Jill should put her company’s name on the SuppleLeftTitty…you know, the signage behind people as they walk the red carpet!  I saw TruRamona’s point, but I gotta disagree.  Besides, ex-Countess Lu didn’t object and we all know that etiquette starts and stops with her ass!

Over at NASDAQ, the Count and ex-Countess are taking a tour since they helped to raise money for somebody in Brooklyn.  She just talks so damn much that it all bleeds together.  I’m shocked that she introduced lil Yawny to her husband as Alex and not the Count.  She’s just into herself enough to have told a 5 year old call him that.

Oh shit, just saw a preview for the reunion.  ex-Countess Lu MIGHT…MIGHT win me over if she goes off on Kelly.  Can’t wait…back to the show.

Jill Zarin is about to have either the sex tawwlk or the drug tawwlk with Ally.  How humiliating to get “the talk” on national tv.  I’m sure they cut the good shit out, but it was nice to see her be there for her kid.

Over at Lu’s broken home, Bethenny is giving Rosie a cooking lesson cuz Lu is too cheap and lazy to send her to cooking school.  Rosie be gettin’ her rocks off by the sound of things. 

Jill Zarin took a trip to some crazy jeweler’s spot (Jeri Cohen) to pick up an auction item for the fundraiser.  Her sitting in the back of her own damn SUV being driven around by some black dude was a bit Miss Daisy-like, but only Jill could pull that shit off.  She took Kelly with her for some dumbass reason.  WHAT does she have on?  She has on like a mini dress with tights and some UGG-ish boots.  Is…it…hot…or…is…it…cold…bitch?  Make up your fucking mind!

Miss Bethenny was asked to model in a Moroccan fashion show.  So who else but Lu would give her runway advice?  How funny to see Bethenny not doing something well.  Was I the only one in this moment who had a flashback to Carrie Bradshaw in the fashion show with real people & models?  As long as B doesn’t end up laying on the runway as fashion roadkill like Carrie, she’ll be fine.

Sooo, right before show time, Bethenny is told that she’s also the MC for the evening.  Being the good sport that she is, she’s prepping her one liners in hair and make-up.  All of the girls are coming…and when I say the girls I mean Jill, Lu, Ramona, Alex and, of course, Simon!  Kelly’s ass was too tacky to RSVP either way.  B’s publicist is funny, too, calling Kell “charming”.  Jill Zarin walked the red carpet with her gay husband by her side and her real husband bringing up the rear…no pun intended!

Bethenny came out on stage looking like a million fucking bucks…and bitch was funny on top of that.  How dare ex-Countess Lu say that she was “trying to be funny”?  Sayin’ she wants a Moroccan Prince but must be the only wife in a room full of Moroccan muthafuckas IS funny! 

Can someone tell Ramona that she should A) comb her hair when attending a fashion show and B) not dance when music is playing.  The music is for the models, boo, not for your ass to wiggle in your seat!

Now the big day of Jill Zarin’s fundraiser.  Shit, let the fight begin.  Ramona started all the shit.  She noticed that there was a lot of signage behind the bar while her ass was lookin’ to score a glass of wine…fucking alkie.  Anyway, Bethenny had her Skinny Girls Cocktail logo up there, as well as some other alcohol companies.  I’ll assume they gave free booze for the event.  Ramona makes a big stink about how B never mentioned her logo and the others would be up behind the bar.  Then Jill Zarin gets all riled up sayin’ how that was valuable ad space and B shoulda said somethin’ beforehand.  She left her a message and was hollerin’ around the venue about how Bethenny is supposed to be her friend. 

Aight, I know this shit is gonna divide some of us, but at this point, although I see Jill’s point, I’m sidin’ with Miss B.  Part of her duty as a committee member was to get free drank for the event.  Is it really THAT big of a deal that the companies/brands (that gave $20,000 worth of alcohol for free) put their names up at the bar?  In the grand scheme or life, to me, it’s not!

Everyone’s showing up for the event.  Simon looks like a gay dominatrix.  There is no tellin’ what kinda kinky shit he and Alex do behind closed doors.  Yuck!  Kelly showed up lookin’ like she got her dress from the Macys Junior’s department.  Just an FYI Kell, being able to see someone’s spinal chord ain’t a good look!  She talked about how Jill Zarin is such a doer and not just a talker like many people in New York – you know….like her ass!

Oh gawd, Ramona is still talkin’ about the SuppleLeftTitty signage.  Get over it already.  She loves to stir the fucking pot.  That’s why she and Kelly get along so well.

Bethenny was with Alex the first time she saw her new logo and loved it.  Bethenny wanted to clear the air with Jill, but Jill wasn’t havin’ it.  B wouldn’t let it go.  I can’t say I blame her.  As shitty as Ramona has been to Jill for two seasons of this show and probably longer, she’s gonna talk shit to her about Bethenny.  They went back and forth and finally Jill told her to leave!  Blew my mind!  Was it that serious Jill that you wanted her to leave after getting a free bar for your fucking event?  Come on now, let’s be rational.

Afterward, Bethenny made a B-line to Ramona’s shit disturbing ass.  Ramona tried to play the high falutin’ manners having bitch role.  Give us a fucking break Ramona.  You ain’t had manners or acted like a lady SINCE this fucking show first aired!  I am so sick of her and that damn GUT talkin’ about how much she works.

Bethenny always being the bigger bitch that she is, went up to Jill Zarin to squash the beef before it got any more outta control.  I WISH I had a friend who’s as good to me as Bethenny!  That’s no bullshit.  She’s such a mature person.  Hard to find bitches, hard to find!

On to the auction, nobody was bidding at first.  Mario was in the audience giving this sick stare to Jill Zarin.  Like he was somewhat glad the auction wasn’t going well, but he woulda been aroused to see her make it work somehow.  I’m tellin’ ya’ll, he has some serious fantasies about himself and Jill Zarin.  Of course, she pulled it off in the end and raised $140,000 for her charity.

No big surprises with the end of the season recaps except that Bethenny has a new man.  WHO?  Simex is writing a book on parenting.  I repeat, Simex is writing a book on parenting.  The same two muthafuckas with the bad ass kids tearin’ up Zarin fabrics, playing the drums with their utensils at a dinner party and spreadin’ food all over their faces!  They can’t even handle their own damn kids, let alone tell someone else how to deal with theirs.  Bullshit.  Ramona launched her product line..you know, the one she can never remember the name of!  Ramario also celebrated their 18th anniversary.  Wonder what he was thinkin’ about that day.  When I say “what”, I really mean “who”.  Lastly, Victoria wasn’t sure if she was gonna return to boarding school.  I have a feeling with all the family drama, she’ll find boarding school peaceful and neutral.

I canNOT wait until the 2 day finale starting next Tuesday.  It’s gonna be some shit ya’ll…AND we have the Jersey bitches next.  When will I eva get sleep!

What did everyone think of the finale?

…Vine…in a minute

Dancing w/the Stars: 5/4/09 Recap & Results

I know I’m a day late, but since ya’ll are still Google searchin’ for my recap, here it goes…

We’re down to the Fearless Five.  Nobody is happier about that than your girl cuz they wear me out recappin’ for 10 fuckin’ people.  Two dances this week.  Round 1 is Ballroom.

Shawn and “the boner”are up first.  Hold up, did he call her “baby” a couple times?  Hmmm, what’s up wit that?  Maybe that wasn’t an accidental boner!  None of my male friends call me baby.  Sabrina Bryan blogs the show live each week.  Wonder if she talked about that.  Just askin…Their Quick Step was fabulous, BUT…BUT he is still outdancing her ass!  She does all the moves perfectly, but she has no energy when she dances!  Total – 27!

Next up, Tyand Chelsie.  People are mad that Ty is still there and Chuck’s ass went home last week.  Not me!  Ty might be stiff as a board, but I find him way more entertaining than Chuck and Julie Andrews.  Ya’ll are both record deals and true love…you don’t need the DWTS trophy, too!  Aight, so the Argentine Tango.  Let’s see how this goes.  I think Ty will do well actually.  So far so good..he made a baby mistake.  Did ya’ll see the determination in his face to not fuck up again LOL!  Gotta love this guy.  I thought it was pretty good.  Not the hottest thing smokin’, but good!  SEE..Bruno just said the same thing about determination.  Total – 25!  Not bad for how bad he honestly is.

Derek, Lil Kim and the horse’s mane attached to her head are up next with a Waltz.  I like it so far, very elegant, especially for her, but she looked a bit like a deer caught in the headlights right in the middle.  Damn Tyrese is short and was that Chris Tucker?  He’s so chunky!  Marlee Matlin was in the audience, too.  Love her.  Yeah, Carrie Ann noticed, too.  Something was just a bit off with her.  Did Bruno just call her a Tramp LOL?  Total – 25!

Gillesand Cheryl are up with the Fox Trot.  Ummm, with all the pros in the wardrobe department at DWTS, they can’t put something on Cheryl to hide those fat creases in her back?  I love Cheryl, but that shit ain’t flatterin!  It’s dowright distracting..yes, even from Gilles fine ass.  One day, Bruno is going to leap over the judges desk and maul Gilles…watch.  Total – 29!

Missyand Tony are up next with the Viennese Waltz.  She’s still in some pain, but is dealin’ wit it.  Here we go.  Nobody can fuck with her technique, period!  From the gate she showed she was BACK!  I loved it.  I’m actually tearing up ya’ll.  I know, such a fuckin’ cheeseball.  Bruno is full of shit.  Her pique turns weren’t THAT bad.  Total – 27!

Aight, that’s the end of Round 1.  Oh my gawd, the 3 wannabe pros will be dancing tomorrow with former DWTS celebs.  Lawd, this is gonna be a mess!  I’m gonna say it, I’m glad to see Lisa Rinna back.  I love her.  She’s like fuck it, I’m old but I’m hot…even if I did buy half the shit on my body.  I had enough of Maurice Green last season.  I don’t wanna deal with him again.

The Pros danced a Latin number.  LOVE watching Louis dance.  I could watch his ass all day.  Am I the only one who loves seeing Jonathan and Anna dance together?  Aight, Latin Round is up.

So the rule is that every star must dance a 15 second solo in this round.  Mark and “baby” are up first dancing the Paso Doble.  This dance suits her.  I loved it!  Hot, hot, hot!  WHO is that black ass negro sittin’ next to Tyrese?  Still can’t tell if it’s Chris Tucker or not, but I digress.  Shit, even Robin McGraw was there.  Sorry, back to the show. Tota – 29!  Len needs to get laid giving these 9’s and shit!

Ty and Chelsie are up with the Rumba.  This should be a train wreck of epic magnitudes LOL!  OMG…OMG!  I just watched Ty’s solo.  I am embarrassed for him.  That was more like comedy than dancing, but aight.  That shit was terrible!  Total 21!  He better thank God for that cuz he didn’t deserve more than a 10!

Kim and Derek’s salsa is a total MESS!  That was just a mess from top to bottom baby!  BAD!  She kept fuckin’ up and really, the choreography wasn’t great.  Derek is a great choreographer, but he does not shine when he fucks with Salsa.  I did not enjoy that!  I missed their total.  Sorry.

Gilles and Cheryl are doing the Rumba.  Cheryl is gonna make it look like they’re fucking on the damn ballroom floor!  I already know.  Well, it was good, but I thought Gilles danced it a bit feminine for my taste.  I didn’t love that.  Neither did the judges!  Total – 27.

Missy and Tony’s Samba is next.  WHERE is the fire Missy?  That really pisses me off about her!  She dances like Staci Keibler did.  Tooooo much ballet training and she can’t dance into the fucking ground!  UGH!  Total – 30!  If ya’ll read my weekly DWTS recaps, you KNOW how much I love Missy, but I gotta say…that 30 was undeserving in my humble opinion.  It just was.

Now, I know that Lil Kim was sent home tonight and folks are pissed.  I’m not.  America was not gonna vote for a foul mouthed rapper with a big ole booty and hips who shouted out a federal pen on her first night of competition.  We got Obama…white folks ain’t giving us much more than that! 

…Vine…in a minute