We are barely in the mood for Countess Lu to throw a fuckin birthday for her 1 year old dog at a doggy park, but aight. Hold up, Countess Lu has a tramp stamp! Wow!
We love, love, love Bethenny! Bitch is funny.
Over to the Social Climbing Van Kempen’s. Simex is shopping together cuz, of course, they don’t take a piss without the other in the room. Freaks!
We love the friendship between Jill and Bethenny! Jill is a real great friend to tell Bethenny to save her money and stay at her Hampton’s home for the summer! Stand up bitch. And how can you not like someone whose husband is called Bobby Vegas!
Jill’sparents showed up at her Hamptons home. They’re fabulous and funny, just like Jill. Shocking!
Ramona invited Bethenny to lunch at 75 Mainin the Hamptons; Ramona owns it…how convenient. She wants to hook Bethenny up with Mr. Right. Um, H&V wouldn’t let Ramona suggest a toothpaste to us, let alone a man!
Anyway, Ramona wrote a couple articles for Cosmopolitan in the early 90’s. Secrets to man handling according to Ramona. This should be some bullshit, we mean good. Here they go:
1. Don’t wait for Kevin Costner. Overly discriminating women wind up spending Saturday night alone with a container of HagenDazs. H&V pass that test – Hollywood is waitin on Creepa from G’s to Gents and Vine wouldn’t wait on anyone with enough nerve to give an engagement ring that looked like a cracker jack box prize like Costner gave to his young, gold digging wife! Just sayin…
2. Be a consummate flirt! Fail! We don’t have enough time for shit like flirtin constantly.
3. Take his number and say you’ll call him. What kind of bullshit rule is this? Men should call women, not the other way around. No wonder Ramona runs her pussy ass husband.
4. Say NO to last minute plans. At least she got one right. Any muthafucka callin you at the last minute used to have plans with a bitch he really like FIRST! Shit, H&V would rather be at home with each other watching bullshit on tv than out with a nigga who called us at the last minute to kick it. And did Bethenny just say “Homie don’t play dat!” How could Jason let this broad go? Bitch is funny!
5. Work on your body. Ramona said “bod”, but H&V don’t say shit like that! We do agree though. No man wants to court a fat, sloppy bitch.
6. Don’t do it right away, even though you’re lusting for him! You fast bitches out there best to listen to this one. This is like 101 shit. Next…
7. Tell him “You can’t sleep over because…” – We don’t feel Ramona on this one. We don’t want a dude all up in our shit in the morning. Be out! Go to his shit, see what he’s about and then leave!
8. Never talk about other men. Well, H&V are out on this one, period. Sometimes they need to know about the other caliber muthafuckas that have been on your team.
9. Be observant when you visit his mother. Um, who wants to visit a dude’s mama?
10. Don’t cohabitate! Hollywood disagrees – not Vine! We’ll just leave it at that.
Meanwhile, Simex are at the beach talkin shit about how the beaches in NY are not as good as the beaches in St. Barts! Shut the fuck up already. If it sucks that badly, then fuckin go there. Oh yeah, it’s probably not off season you cheap bastards! And for the love of Pete, Simon stop wearing damn Speedos. Nobody wants to see all that shit!
Now to the new broad, Kelly. Like we said, the verdict is still out on her. Let’s see if we form an opinion tonight. Here she go, already complainin about how hard it is to do her job at parties like Hugo Boss cuz people are always takin her picture when she really needs to see what’s going on. Give us a fuckin break bitch! So far, she ain’t addin much if you ask us.
Gloria, Jill’s mom, and Bethenny have a heart to heart over breakfast. Old girl had some good advice. We think it was good for Bethenny to spend the summer at Jill’s in the Hamptons. We like saying Jill Zarin! We see how she became so genuine. She gets it from her mama!
Countess Luis stressed cuz Rosie, the Filipino woman who really raises her children and takes care of her home, is off for a month while visiting her family. Boo hoo. Single mothers and middle class muthafuckas do this shit daily Countess Lu. Get over yourself, especially when you’re ordering a damn pizza. What the fuck is wrong with her ass?
Anyway, Countess Lu and her husband are being honored for no reason at some Hampton’s event. She was even braggin to Kelsey Grammar about how she married a Count. Does she think he cares?
Bethenny, Jill Zarin and Bobby Vegas went to the event to support Countess Lu. Oh dear God, Countess Lu got up and told everyone to shut the fuck up, basically. Then our girl Bethenny said “That was not very Countess like. That was DISCOUNTess!” Fucking hilarious. We don’t necessarily dislike disCountess Lu, but she needs to bring her nose down a bit. Ya’ll ain’t in France. You’re in the US. Does that Countess Lu shit translate? Better question…does anyone give a damn besides you and Father Time deLesseps? Doubt it.
Next week looks as slow as this week, but that’s aight. After that bullshit OC Housewives Reunion, we need a break.
In a minute…