Where Reality Meets Rhapsody

Archive for February, 2009

Real Housewives of NYC: Episode 2

We are barely in the mood for Countess Lu to throw a fuckin birthday for her 1 year old dog at a doggy park, but aight.  Hold up, Countess Lu has a tramp stamp!  Wow! 

We love, love, love Bethenny!  Bitch is funny. 

Over to the Social Climbing Van Kempen’s.   Simex is shopping together cuz, of course, they don’t take a piss without the other in the room.  Freaks! 

We love the friendship between Jill and BethennyJill is a real great friend to tell Bethenny to save her money and stay at her Hampton’s home for the summer!  Stand up bitch.  And how can you not like someone whose husband is called Bobby Vegas!

Jill’sparents showed up at her Hamptons home.  They’re fabulous and funny, just like Jill.  Shocking! 

Ramona invited Bethenny to lunch at 75 Mainin the Hamptons; Ramona owns it…how convenient.  She wants to hook Bethenny up with Mr. Right.  Um, H&V wouldn’t let Ramona suggest a toothpaste to us, let alone a man!

Anyway, Ramona wrote a couple articles for Cosmopolitan in the early 90’s.  Secrets to man handling according to Ramona.  This should be some bullshit, we mean good.  Here they go:

1.  Don’t wait for Kevin Costner.  Overly discriminating women wind up spending Saturday night alone with a container of HagenDazs.  H&V pass that test – Hollywood is waitin on Creepa from G’s to Gents and Vine wouldn’t wait on anyone with enough nerve to give an engagement ring that looked like a cracker jack box prize like Costner gave to his young, gold digging wife!  Just sayin…

2.  Be a consummate flirt!  Fail!  We don’t have enough time for shit like flirtin constantly.

3. Take his number and say you’ll call him.  What kind of bullshit rule is this?  Men should call women, not the other way around.  No wonder Ramona runs her pussy ass husband.

4. Say NO to last minute plans.  At least she got one right.  Any muthafucka callin you at the last minute used to have plans with a bitch he really like FIRST!  Shit, H&V would rather be at home with each other watching bullshit on tv than out with a nigga who called us at the last minute to kick it.  And did Bethenny just say “Homie don’t play dat!”  How could Jason let this broad go?  Bitch is funny!

5. Work on your body.  Ramona said “bod”, but H&V don’t say shit like that!  We do agree though.  No man wants to court a fat, sloppy bitch. 

6. Don’t do it right away, even though you’re lusting for him!  You fast bitches out there best to listen to this one.  This is like 101 shit.  Next…

7. Tell him “You can’t sleep over because…”We don’t feel Ramona on this one.  We don’t want a dude all up in our shit in the morning.  Be out!  Go to his shit, see what he’s about and then leave! 

8. Never talk about other men.  Well, H&V are out on this one, period.  Sometimes they need to know about the other caliber muthafuckas that have been on your team.

9. Be observant when you visit his mother.  Um, who wants to visit a dude’s mama?

10. Don’t cohabitate!  Hollywood disagrees – not Vine!  We’ll just leave it at that.

Meanwhile, Simex are at the beach talkin shit about how the beaches in NY are not as good as the beaches in St. Barts!  Shut the fuck up already.  If it sucks that badly, then fuckin go there.  Oh yeah, it’s probably not off season you cheap bastards!  And for the love of Pete, Simon stop wearing damn Speedos.  Nobody wants to see all that shit!

Now to the new broad, Kelly.  Like we said, the verdict is still out on her.  Let’s see if we form an opinion tonight.  Here she go, already complainin about how hard it is to do her job at parties like Hugo Boss cuz people are always takin her picture when she really needs to see what’s going on.  Give us a fuckin break bitch!  So far, she ain’t addin much if you ask us.

Gloria, Jill’s mom, and Bethenny have a heart to heart over breakfast.  Old girl had some good advice.  We think it was good for Bethenny to spend the summer at Jill’s in the Hamptons.  We like saying Jill Zarin!  We see how she became so genuine.  She gets it from her mama!

Countess Luis stressed cuz Rosie, the Filipino woman who really raises her children and takes care of her home, is off for a month while visiting her family.  Boo hoo.  Single mothers and middle class muthafuckas do this shit daily Countess Lu.  Get over yourself, especially when you’re ordering a damn pizza.  What the fuck is wrong with her ass?

Anyway, Countess Lu and her husband are being honored for no reason at some Hampton’s event.  She was even braggin to Kelsey Grammar about how she married a Count.  Does she think he cares? 

Bethenny, Jill Zarin and Bobby Vegas went to the event to support Countess Lu.  Oh dear God, Countess Lu got up and told everyone to shut the fuck up, basically.  Then our girl Bethenny said “That was not very Countess like.  That was DISCOUNTess!”  Fucking hilarious.  We don’t necessarily dislike disCountess Lu, but she needs to bring her nose down a bit.  Ya’ll ain’t in France.  You’re in the US.  Does that Countess Lu shit translate?  Better question…does anyone give a damn besides you and Father Time deLesseps?  Doubt it.

Next week looks as slow as this week, but that’s aight.  After that bullshit OC Housewives Reunion, we need a break.


In a minute…

Real Housewivees of OC Confess: Reunion Special

Let us start off by sayin we plan to eat Tamra Barney’s ass UP throughout this post.  So, if you like this bitch, this ain’t for you!

Can they please stop letting Andy “Boring as Fuck” Cohen host this shit?  Damn.  Ya’ll don’t know how much this fucking show pissed us off.

Aight, Jeana looks like she had something done on her face.  We’re guessing botox because the neck is still a bit wrinkled.  She looks good!  It worked for her. 

Um, was it just Hollywood & Vine or could you cut the tension between Jeana and Tamra/Vicki with a fuckin knife?  They ain’t tight no more, you can tell!  We hope not cuz Jeana is far too good of a person to be hangin with those fucking bitches!

Ya’ll been coming to H&V askin if Kara got her boobs done.  Now you know that she did and you can stop askin us.   

We don’t give a damn what anyone says.  Tamra Barney got work done.  The bitch had cheek implants.  Re-watch the shit!!  The funny thing is, the bitch looks worse than before.  She made herself look older!  With that nappy weave! 

Greedy Gretchen was fierce, period!  Bitch was bad!  Not only that, but she handled that messy, jealous bitch Tamra like the diva she is!  Where does Tacky Tamra get her fucking nerve!  God, this woman needs some serious, serious help.  We ain’t playin!  She has severe issues in her life if she’s spending this much goddamn time worried about Greedy Gretchen and who she might be fuckin!  What the fuck is wrong with this bitch?  She has two little kids, a gay older son and a husband who wants to fuck Jeana’s young daughter.  You would THINK this heffa has more shit to do than worry about Gretchen’s life THIS MUCH! 

Vicki is officially a lost cause!  You know why Vicki is so tight with Tacky Tamra’s ass?  Because she likes to be around a muthafucka who SHE THINKS is beneath her…doing worse than her.  Jeana finally put that overcooked muthafucka out and is moving on dating and shit.  Vicki preferred Jeana when she was taking bullshit and sittin at home depressed and miserable.  Transparent as hell!

We like Lynne just a little bit more after how she fucked up Tamra and Vicki.  That shit was fucking hilarious, tellin them bitches that they ain’t rocket scientists or the brightest bulbs!  Good for her.  You know, that shit got really old, them trashin Lynne like that as if their shit don’t stink!  Vicki needs to worry about her failing marriage instead of whether or not Lynne is a pot head.  Again we ask, what the fuck is wrong with these bitches.   Vicki needs to be more concerned with her empty fucking “love tank”! 

Wait a minute, did Vicki have the nerve to say that she has a nice figure?  Okay, just checkin.  So not only is she a bitch, jealous, messy and miserable, but she’s delusional, too! 

Ultimately, H&V were totally disgusted by Vicki and Tamra, especially!  Their behavior was some of the most evil shit we’ve seen, for real!  Straight up devils!  We were watching in shock that these hoes had the nerve to go out of the way to make Gretchen look bad and ruin her reputation.  They got off on the shit.  Tamra made herself look like the nasty bitch we always knew she was.  Gretchen keeping her cool just magnified Tacky Tamra’s fucked up ass attitude.  She’s better than H&V cuz we woulda had Jeana, Lynne and Andy holdin us back off that bitch!

What we wanna know is how Tamra’s life was effected by Gretchen allegedly being paid to take care of Jeff vs. being his fiancee?  How did that hurt her?  For real, someone tell us how that shit was any of her business? 

Also, Vicki and her self-righteous fat ass!  She acted like her kids were angels.  News flash crazy bitch, Michael and that trash stayin with ya’ll for the summer most definitely fucked in your house!  Michael definitely drank in your house before he was 21 years old!  Michael and Brianna have talked more shit about you on camera than Shane ever has (on camera) about Jeana!  So, take your fucking nose out the air and stop acting like you are this perfect, holier than thou person cuz you’re far from it!

We mighta missed some shit, but we know our readers will mention what we forgot!

What did ya’ll think of this shit?

Don’t forget to follow H&V on Twitter (hollywoodNvine).

In a minute…

For the Love of Ray J: Episode 4

I can barely get excited about this bullshit.  First thing out this nigga’s mouth is how long his day was and he was stressed.  Ray J’s ass don’t know from stress!  He’s surrounded by a bunch of bitches who want a piece of him, cameras filmin him which he ain’t had in ages, and the muthafucka is gettin paid to do this shit!  He needs to shut the fuck up with that shit.  Vine has had a fucked up day and I ain’t in the mood for rich celebrities whinin!

Now back to the show…Ray hits the jacuzzi with all these bitches in their clothes.  Are they that desperate to be in some water with dude that they couldn’t take 5 minutes to put on bikinis.  You got ole tattoo face gigglin in her garanimals hoodie, Lil Hood jumpin in about to shrink her Forever 21 dress and Feisty squattin down showin her pussy to everybody!  Caviar wouldn’t take off her shit, of course, because she has a dick!

Ray shows us all the extent of his intellect by comparing his stable to the three bears??  Caviar is too cold!  Lil Hood is too hot!  But Go-Go Gadget Dancer was juuuust right!  Fuckin idiot!

Onto the challenge.  They show Feisty talkin about she had to win the challenge cuz she’s one of the only broads there who “haven’t” gone out with Ray yet.  Ummmm, haven’t?

Anyway, Ray is workin on a fake Motown inspired track with his daddy and wants the ladies to put together a full stage show along with their own words to the second verse.  Sounds like a fuckin disaster waiting to happen….YES!

The perfect group would have been Unique, Chardonnay and Stacks.  But that woulda been too much like right.  Anyway, Stacks, Danger and RuPaul were in a group together.  Caviar can’t dance to save her damn life!  Yet and still Danger thinks that her group is the shit!

Oh Lord, Ray J and more of his D-Listed friends.  Big Boooooooooooooy from Power 106 is the host…even though he looks more like little boy now!  First up – Caviar, Stacks and DangerStacks is the only one who looks right!  Danger looks fat and Caviar looks like a foreign, white man tryna keep up!  Where’s the Sand Man on they ass??  NEXT…

Lil Hood, Cocktail and Cashmere…Dear Lord, Cashmere sounded horrible, but Go-Go get down wasn’t that bad!  Lil Hood was a hot mess!  Ray J’s dad looked like he was wondering what people from the church were gonna think of this shit!

Next up, Chardonnay, Unique and Feisty…Unique is singin lead.  Please don’t blow it!  YEP, she blew it.  At this point ya’ll, I’m watchin on mute cuz Unique done forgot the words AND hollered SHIT into the mic in front of God and errrrbody!  Why can’t this bitch ever remember the damn lyrics?  THIS is why she ain’t an artist with that voice…she’s too damn scared!  Painful to watch! 

The second group was the best!  Ray J talkin about his ex girlfriend did better on Dancing With the Stars.  Granted, that’s an insult, but WHY is he still jockin this bitch?  Get the fuck over it nigga cuz she sho ain’t thinkin bout yo ass!

Movin on, Big BOOOOOOOOOOOOY done kicked Caviar, Danger and nem off the stage.  Pops Norwood made the final decision….Lil Hood, Cashmere and Cocktail.  YIKES!  Solo date goes to……go-go get it girl!

Lil B brings Cocktail into the restaurant like she’s a damn madam introducing one of her hoes to a trick!  Ray is at the piano singin to this broad and she starts fuckin cryin!  He felt a connection??  This is some bullshit if I done ever seen it.  For real.  And why didn’t she take that damn wig off for her date?

Ru is back at the house and on the phone with “Larry”.  Why does this nigga talk like he’s rappin’?  He sounds old as fuck don’t he?  NO, you know what Larry sounds like?  Like he’s jackin off while he’s talkin’ to her!  Don’t he?????  Jerk yo shit Larry, jerk jerk jerk it…you nasty muthafucka!

Danger and that mustache.  IF the rumors are true and she is knocked up with Ray’s baby, I hope she waxed before she fucked him.  Just sayin’…

Meanwhile, Ray took Lil Hood and Cashmere on a helicopter ride to a vineyard in Santa Barbara.  Poor Cashmere was so scared that she cried.  Lil Hood announced upon arrival that seeing the beautiful winery brought the ghetto out in her!  Can this bitch please shut the fuck up?  OH NO, she ain’t done.  She brought a CD with a song on it that she recorded for Ray J.  She’s fucking bootleg…talkin bout watchin him on Moesha and shit!  You know what, that’s what the fuck he gets because he shoulda been gotten rid of her crazy, ugly fuckin ass!

First one on one time went to Cashmere.  She’s pretty!  He seems to like her.  She’s the type of bitch he needs, not one of these loose, pole dancin, tattoo faced hoes! 

Excuse me for a minute, I have to mute Lil Hood’s dumb groupie ass!  This ho is delusional talkin bout Ray had to stop himself from kissin her while the nigga was in the confessional talkin bout he gave her a sympathy peck!  I ain’t laughed this hard all day!

Caviar decides to give Ray a lap dance prior to eliminations.  She even started lickin his lips with his tongue.  Let me say right now, if baby girl turns out to be baby boy, Ray J is gonna need therapy!  He’s feelin’ real suspicious about this bitch.  So he pulled her into his bedroom before elimination.  He asked her straight up if she had a man.  She said no! 

Well, this nigga done called Larry back and realizes he knows this fool.  Chicago Larry is what they call em!  Evidently, this muthafucka is a big photographer and manager!  He even supplied some video hoes for some of Ray J’s videos.  Now, I know all of H&V’s readers got the same question….when did Ray J do a video?  I’m playin’…

At the end of it all, Ray ends up tellin Caviar to pack her shit and get the fuck out…NOW!  He shoulda wrapped it up with TRICK on the end, but whatever.

Next week he got these bitches fightin each other.  He ain’t right.

Thoughts ya’ll?  In a minute…

Suge Knight…You Got Knocked the Fuck Out!

Hollywood & Vine almost stayed at the W Hotel in Arizona during All-Star Weekend.  It’s a good thing we didn’t cuz we woulda been all up in the middle of this shit!

Police were called to the W Hotel in Scottsdale, Arizona around 3:30am because niggas can’t do shit without fightin!  Akon’s business manager, Robert Carnes, Jr. and another clown named Thomas Leon Anderson, Jr. were arrested and booked on suspicion of assault and disorderly conduct.  In other words, they beat up Suge Knight!

Suge is being treated for face injuries after being punched in the face at least twice by Carnes.  People on the scene said that the shit started and was over in a matter of seconds!  Damn Suge!  You couldn’t get off one punch with your big ass?

Ya’ll know this is just the start of some new bullshit between Suge and these two fuckin idiots!  Developing…

In a minute…

Real Housewives of NY: Season 2 Premiere

Before this shit even starts, Ramona best to not work our fucking nerves this season like she did in Season 1!!

Aww shit!  They came out the gate with drama.  Evidently, Simon said some negative shit about Jill to New York Magazine– talkin about she’s from Long Island….and it shows!  Well, Jill being the hot-headed New Yorker that we love, talked to Cindy Adams about it and busted Simon and Alex asses out.  We cannot stand Simon and Alex.  They are fucking freaks!  Ramona has the nerve to be judgmental saying she’d never talk shit to a newspaper!  Bullshit!  She knows damn well that she talks shit while the cameras are rolling.  What the fuck is the difference between people watching the trash talk on TV vs. reading it in the Post? 

Wannabe NY socialites Simex are self-proclaimed Hamptons haters, yet these two assholes and their bad ass kids rented a home there for the summer!  They are so pathetic and desperate, for real.  The outside of the home is a total fucking dump!  The inside is, um, full of character!  It’s cool, but the outside could use some damn work.  What we wanna know is how the fuck does the General Manager of a boutique hotel make that much damn money?

They go from that dump to LuAnn’s home in the Hamptons.  Talk about night and day.  Anyway, Jill fills LuAnn in on the Simex drama.  Of course Countess Lu puts her proper spin on how Jill should behave in the future.  Hollywood loves LuAnn; Vine can’t wait for her to have an etiquette breakdown!

Jill and Bethenny hit a Hamptons party that is “so pedestrian” according to Jill’s gay husband.  They see wannabes SimexJill is the bigger bitch so she approaches them.  Everything was squashed. 

Meanwhile, Ramona and her husband go out for dinner and discuss how they think Simon is either gay or bi-sexual!  Wouldn’t that be some shit?  Gotta love how the New York bitches go hard! 

New housewife Kelly is just a renaissance bitch ain’t she?  Mother, equestrian, author, model, socialite, party girl…The verdict is still out on her, but so far we ain’t in love with her.

Bethenny in that bikini!  Work bitch, WORK!

Moving on to Jill’s barnyard fundraiser.  Countess Lu was supposed to drop off her rug rats to help stuff gift bags, but she never showed or called.  How is she writing a book on manners and etiquette, but does some foul shit like that to a friend?  Jill is better than us cuz we sho nuff woulda called her ass on it!  Why do they tip toe around Countess Lu?

Ramona’s crazy ass is there.  New girl in school Kelly made her entrance wearing a mu mu lookin like she was about to hit a luau on the big island.  Countess Lu introduced her to the housewives she didn’t know.  Ramona talked this bitch’s ear off about fuckin kids!  I mean, we get it, ya’ll have kids, but damn!  Surely with how fabulous you muthafuckas are supposed to be, you could find some other shit to discuss besides kids and damn shoes!

Simex made their entrance.  Those two just make our skin crawl.  Why?  Cuz they’re the type of assholes who will do any and everything to get to a certain rung on the ladder, preferably the top rung!  Those types are disgusting to H&V.  Shit, just be you and let the chips fall where they may dumb asses.

Pretty boring toward the end.  Looks like it’s gonna be a great season. 

In a minute…

Real Housewives of OC: Season 4 Finale

Aight, this shit better be good because this is almost the last time Hollywood & Vine get to see our girls this year!

So Jeana is prepping for her birthday date with Allen, a red-faced hillbilly from Texas.  Jeana said “as you get older, you realize there’s more to life than physical attraction” just in case ya’ll though H&V were being harsh.  We were nice compared to that.  He took her to the St. Regis for dinner.  So he must have some of that Texas hillbilly money!  Dude is just hella unattractive.  Damn we can’t wait for Jeana to decide to lose that fuckin weight because she’s such a nice lookin broad.  Movin on cuz these two muthafuckas is boring as shit!

On to Wooooo Hoooooo VickiBrianna’s big ass came by to visit her at work (nice plug for Coto Insurance).  Evidently, the big ole big ole is thinking about entering the Army’s nursing program.  Vicki is mad as fuck about this shit!  What gets H&V is that muthafuckas like Vicki are so pro-war, yet she don’t want her own child over there in the middle of that bullshit!  Hypocrite…but we digress!  AHA!!!  Now we know why Brianna has gotten big as a house.  Colby left her.  Damn, this fuckin asshole was wrong for that shit.  While packin up the car for a road trip he said I can’t go anymore; I don’t love you!!?  What the fuck?  She should whooped Colby’s fuckin ass for that shit!  We almost feel bad for callin her fat.  ALMOST!

Over to Lynne’s two loose daughters in the making.  Raquel is pissed that mommy wants her lazy ass to get a job.  This little bitch works our last nerve!  She has been outta high school for almost two years and still ain’t done shit with herself?  That, ladies and gentleman, is what H&V call a loser!  Lynne had the nerve to say raising teenage girls is so difficult.  Um, correct us if we’re wrong, but she ain’t raised them.  That’s why these bitches are fuckin and drinkin, but don’t have gas money!

The ladies decided to have their end of the summer bash somewhere in Laguna.  Greedy Gretchen said that Jeff is back in the hospital and the doc wouldn’t let him out for the party!  Uhhhh, no shit!  Jeana brought Allen and her implants to the party!  She looked great, minus the back fat!  Even Jo and Slade’s asses were there.  Recipe for disaster.

Simon surprised Tacky Tamra with an expensive diamond tennis bracelet that he probably got for free in exchange for sayin the company’s name on tv.  We still ain’t figured out how this bitch’s wrists are so damn wrinkled!  She’s not that fuckin old.

Ya’ll remember Tammy Knickerbocker?  Well she showed up with her two daughters and her man.  It was nice to see her.  Vicki announced to Tammy and Michael that she bought herself a new Rolex, but in the next breath said she didn’t want to tell everyone.  She’d rather be “classy”and under the radar until people noticed her shit on their own!  First of all, why does this bitch go out of her way to belittle her husband?  Donn’s gonna fuck around and leave her ass one day, bet!  Secondly, it never fails that a muthafucka is in trouble when they say the word “classy”.  H&V been tryna tell ya.

Meanwhile, Greedy Gretchen calls all the housewives, even Lauri, over for a huddle.  She presented them with a gift, if you wanna call it that.  She gave the other OC bitches Coach coin purses!  COACH?  These hoes are walkin round with Rolexes and 30-40k wedding rings and Greedy Gretchen fuckin gives them COACH?  Who over the age of 18 still carries a Coach bag?  Now, Vicki had to be a bitch about that, too!  We ain’t bring no gift.  We ain’t get the gift memo.  Bitch, just say thank you and re-gift that shit to your fat daughter!  It’s not a big deal.  Vicki always has some shit to say.  Tacky Tamra, too.  Steady thinkin someone is tryna kiss her ass!  Bitch, nobody gives a fuck about you that much!  We wish Greedy Gretchen would cuss her ass out!  We’ll likely get our wish on the reunion special.

Speakin of Gretchen, her dad read a letter to her from Jeff.  It basically thanked her for standing by his side and that he got her something to put a smile on her face.  The whole Greedy clan walked outside of the party and what was waitin for her ass….a brand new $23,000 Harley Davidson!  Tacky Tamra is so fuckin full of herself.  She thinks that Gretchen copied her!  She is so jealous of Gretchen!  Vicki ain’t much better.  She said to her seemingly gay friend who would want a Harley at our age?  Dude said ya’ll ain’t the same age; she’s 20 years younger.  Vicki was like 10 years younger, she is NOT 20 years younger than me!  Vicki, get a grip.  You ain’t been 40 in damn near a decade.  Boyfriend got it right the first time!  If these bitches spent more time on their heartbroken fat and gay kids or their husbands instead of on Greedy Gretchen, we bet their lives would improve 100%!

Jo makes an entrance with a new hair cut.  Hollywood is feelin’ it, but Vine ain’t.  Tacky Tamra has the balls to say Slade looks like a homo… with her gay ass son runnin round the party still frontin like he likes bitches! 

At the end of the show they gave us updates on everyone.  Everything was fairly predictable, but it still got us when Jeana told about Jeff’s passing.  Even though we already knew, it’s just really sad. 

The reunion will be on next week.  We don’t know too much yet, but H&V think that Tacky Tamra had some work done on her face! 

Overall, we thought it was a great season.  What did ya’ll think?

Stick with Hollywood & Vine for a season full of the New York bitches! 

In a minute…

For the Love of Ray J: Episode 3

Vine here in week three of this crazy shit and Hollywood still refuses to watch! 

I really try to like at least one of these broads, but they say the stupidest shit when they talk.  1 minute into the show, someone asked how many were left.  Another one answers “It’s 5 and 5…that’s 10”.  Uh, is it really?  Where do they find these bitches?  Amish Country??

Ray J (aka the Producers of the show) comes up with the idea for the ladies (used as lightly as possible) to play a game called the Foxy Feud.  These muthafuckas are real original!  He split them into two teams – The Divas and The Darlings.  Ya’ll have watched for 3 weeks so you know who’s on what team.  He shoulda just gone for Trash vs. Class!  Just sayin…

Tommy Davidsoncomes out to host the show!  Another short nigga to watch, how exciting!  Ray J even has D listed friends!  This shit gets worse by the week!

First question – “What’s Ray J’s favorite part of the body?”  Tits is #3, ass is #4 and lips are #2???  Um, what the fuck kind of nigga is he that the booty is so far down on the list?  I’m typing this shit in real time.  If #1 is the pussy, I am going to be unable to continue recappin this shit due to loss of oxygen!  We in the clear…the “eyes” have it! 

Next question – “What is Ray J’s favorite way to relax?”  Danger puts the Darlings on the board with writing music.  Uniquegoes with reading a book!  Who the fuck knew that Ray J liked to read books?  I was shocked as shit!  Okay, wait.  The nigga does not like to relax by havin a drink???  ALL HE DOES is drink on this damn show.  Now all of a sudden he don’t relax wit a drank?  Get the fuck outta here Ray J!

Next question – “Where’s Ray J’s favorite place to have sex?”  Caviar said the bedroom!  THE BEDROOM!  That shit was hilarious.  The bedroom though!!  The Darlings are moppin the floor with the Diva’s asses!  This shit was ridiculous.  These bitches been throwin themselves at Ray from the gate, but ain’t learned ONE thing about him!  Pathetic.

Oh Lord have mercy!  The go-go dancer is so sad that her Divas team lost.  This bitch said that she now knows how NFL players feel when they lose in the Superbowl OR how people feel who lose at the Olympics!  This ho can’t even spell Olympics, let alone know how an Olympian feels! 

Ray J took Stilts out in a rented Ferrari.  Are his legs long enough to reach the peddles?  Just askin…Anyway, he took her to the studio with him.  Whoa, what a fuckin fabulous date…NOT!  As they start talkin and shit, he realized that Stilts had a wedding ring on!  Turns out she’s still legally married!  What the fuck?  I mean, she did keep it real wit him, but damn Stilts.  Can you take the fucking ring off BEFORE you go on a date with another man?  Is there one bitch on this show who can use her damn brain?

Sooo, Caviarcalls her “friend” Larry.  Basically, he told her that they’re tryna do some thangs after the show so she needs to stay as many days as possible.  Then Larry asked her if she was really tryna win and marry Ray J.  She laughed and said “you know I’m not”. 

Back at the house, Chardonnay and go-go dancerhook up Ray’s room with candles, rose petals and a note that they have some shit to tell his ass when he gets home.  These bitches can’t hold water in a bucket.  For real, if they are as much the shit as they think, they shouldn’t have to fuckin tattle on the other bitches to hold onto their spot.

Aight, at the champagne ceremony, I will give Chardonnay props.  She straightened that nappy ass curly shit and actually looked nice.  Unique looked good, too.  She’s beautiful.  The Darlings pretty much all looked good, but those two were striking this week!

Ray J puts go-goon the spot and asks her to repeat the shit she told him.  Of course she did, just like a snitchin ass…never mind.  Then Ray put Stilts on blast about being married!  That was fucked up!  He coulda kept that to himself, for real.  That was real bitch like Ray J.  I wouldn’t expect anything more from his little ass.

In the end, it came down to Caviar and Stilts.  He sent Stilts home because she’s married.  I could feel what he was sayin, but he woulda been better off keepin Stilts dumb ass!

A few random, parting thoughts:

–  Why was So Hood wearing barely any clothes with a faux fur coat on?  Is it hot or is it cold?

–  Stilts, if you’re gonna wear the wig, please come it down in the back.

–  Rumors are flying that one of the “women” is a man and another is a porn star.  My man vote is on Caviar’s deep voice, man lookin ass.  My porn vote is on Stilts!  I’ll give ya’ll whatever I find out.   

In a minute…

Chris & Rihanna Wrestlemania Update…

And it don’t stop!  Hollywood & Vineknow that everybody on Earth is talkin about how Chris Brown busted up Rihanna over the weekend.  Well, H&V can exclusively reveal to you why he did it.

Our sources at MTV tell us that after leaving the Clive Davis pre-Grammy party, Chris and Rihanna began to argue.  The initial jump off of Brown’s anger was finding out that Princess Rihanna gave him herpes!  Allegedly, outside the party he yelled “you sucked Snoop, Usher AND Clive Davis dicks?”  We hope none of ya’ll were still eating while thinking about Clive Davis old ass gettin his dick sucked!

Moving on…after he continued to talk shit to her, she swung on him first!  No, that doesn’t give him open season on her face, but we just sayin.  Finally, he started bankin on her ass!  By this time, more muthafuckas started coming outside being nosey.  That’s when Chris took the fuck off!

Now we ain’t sayin Chris was right, but women need to learn that men have emotions, too!  Stop pushin niggas buttons!  Yeah, we know we gone get flack for that, but we keeps it real from our seats.

Chris, don’t get mad about herpes boo!  Plenty of women will still fuck the shit outta you AND a few will still suck your dick!  Trust, if Clive Davis is gettin his BenGay smellin dick sucked, then you can too!

In a minute…

For the Love of Ray J: Episode 2

It’s been on 2 minutes and I already want to start drinking heavily!  Why are they surprised that Caviar has a boyfriend (maybe even a husband)?  Oh Lord, please stop this broad from talkin.  Ray J send that bitch home!

So this nigga gave the women the task of doing a 10 web cam sex video.  Now, I am exaggerating, but that’s pretty much what this nasty muthafucka wants…for his dick to rise!

Danger starts having a fucking panic attack!  I know I shouldn’t laugh, but was this not the funniest, most ironic shit on Celebreality?  The bitch had the balls to get a tat on her fucking face and neck, but got nervous about doing a damn video chat?  Then Chardonnay had the nerve to talk shit about Danger getting emotional.  Um, wasn’t this broad crying like a baby when she thought Ray was sending her nasty ass home?  These bitches are losers!

Since I don’t have Hollywood to discuss this shit with, will someone tell me when go-go dancing, speaking in Russian, poundin beer from an over-sized funnel, sounding like you’re in round one of American Idol auditions and doing a toe touch with the assistance of a 3 ft. tall  bed became talents?  What the fuck was that?  The only bitch with a talent was the fucking ballerina!  Bravo has some funny muthafuckas workin there because they put the subtitles up on the Russian broad but the shit looked Arabic!  Love it.

Genuine confessed that she is partially there for exposure with her acting career.  The only thing getting exposure is her gut while she was belly dancing!  Not only that, but the nigga is one of the Executive Producers.  Does she think he won’t see the confessional shit before he makes a fucking decision?  These bitches are so dumb that they don’t deserve the opportunity to advance their careers! 

Wait a minute, it just came back from commercial and Stilts went from a Rihanna cut to a bob.  Did she get a quick weave or put a wig on during the commercial?  That shit looked like a wig.  Why change up somethin that ain’t broke?

In the end, it came down to Atomic Bomb and the fat belly dancer.  Ray J ended up sending both they asses home!  Wow, that shocked the shit out of me!  I didn’t see that coming at all!  Well hell, at least he didn’t lead them on.  I have a little, just a little, respect for him now!

Before I go, I have one request.  Danger, PLEASE wax your fucking lip!  Damn!

In a minute…

For the Love of Ray J: Episode 1

Hollywood & Vine are well aware that this shit premiered last week.  But it’s taken us this fucking long to decide whether or not we even want to bothered recapping this bullshit on a weekly basis.  Hollywood is out!  Won’t watch or discuss the shit!  Me, Vine, was so disgusted that I had to vent somewhere since my other half won’t fucking listen.  So, be prepared for me to go the hell off every week behind this shit.  It’s a fucking train wreck – I can’t turn away!

The show starts out with a bunch of hoodrats in a bullshit club screamin like a bunch of fucking wild boars!  Ray J just looks like a tiny tot to me.  He’s short and just ain’t sexy.  Why do bitches love this nigga?  Oh yeah, the dick!

This one broad named Jerri said she had a crush on Ray J when she was a little girl.  Um, that old bitch ain’t been a little girl in 20 years!  Then the chick Christa said she’s perfect for him because she can put her legs behind her head.  So, she’s a stripper.  Another broad said that she’s a black Barbie.  Didn’t Barbie’s have a relaxer? 

He must be an embarrassment to his family!  Did anybody else notice Ray J  talkin to his God sister “Lil B” like she was his maid?  What the fuck was that all about?

Lord this is going to be painful to watch.  This stripper acts like she’s never seen a nice car or damn rims before.  Brokey!  What I wanna know is why do the bitches on these shows act like these mansions actually belong to these men?  They act like they’ve never been out the fucking projects before.

So far Danielle (Unique) is one of the only ones I might like.  She might need to come her damn hair, but at least she’s funny.  Leah (Cashmere) is pretty and seems to have some damn sense. 

Did anyone see the fat bitch walkin round with a bikini top on and a tattoo on her damn face?  What really cracked me up was the bitch with the tattoo on her face calling someone else a whore or desperate.  How the fuck desperate for attention does she look with a damn tattoo on her face?  They find the most ignorant muthafuckas for this shit, I swear!

Tell the truth, ya’ll were surprised that they could count to 12, let alone 14 weren’t you?  I was too.

So, it comes down to the last 3 ladies – well, women.  This bitch Chardonnay starts crying like a baby.  Ray J let Hot Cocoa go.  I was disappointed.  The fact that he kept Chardonnay makes me never wanna pour myself a glass ever again!

Just a few random thoughts:

When did doing the splits become the way to show a man you’re interested? 

This Black Russian is givin me  damn headache with all that accent talkin. 

Chardonnay is annoying!  She needs to step her weave game up!  

I’ll have my drinks ready for every time Ray J’s ass says fuckin “classy”!  Ya’ll know how much H&V hate that word!

Did ya’ll watch this shit?  Thoughts?

In a minute…

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