Where Reality Meets Rhapsody

Archive for December, 2008

Sir Charles Arrested in Arizona

barkley

Charles Barkley‘s Uncle Tom ass got arrested early this morning in Scottsdale, Arizona on suspicion of drunk driving!  According to the Associated Press:

An officer with a law enforcement task forcethat targets drunken driving saw the former NBA star run a stop sign around 1:30 a.m., said Gilbert police Lt. Eric Shuhandler.

Barkley declined to submit to a breath test but was given a blood test. The results weren’t immediately available.

After Barkley was processed, he was cited and released. He left in a cab, Shuhandler said.

Shuhandler said there was nothing remarkable about the 45-year-old Barkley’s arrest and that it is customary to release people after they’ve been arrested on suspicion of DUI.

“There was nothing unusual about how he was taken into custody,” Shuhandler said. “He was treated exactly like we treat anybody else.”

Yeah, we bet.  We bet he was treated like any other nigga running a stop sign in Arizona.  Here’s what H&V wanna know.  Why do millionaires insist on driving themselves around after they’ve been drinking?  Fucking idiots!

In a minute…

Beyonce vs. The Jackson Klan

Beyonce Cover

Hollywood & Vine hadn’t planned to discuss this Beyonce vs. Janet foolishness, but since nobody understands what Bey was saying, we gotta help out.

During an interview for the January 2009 issue of Elle Magazine, this is what Beyonce had to say:

“I grew up upper class. Private school. My dad had a Jaguar. We’re African-American and we work together as a family, so people assume we’re like The Jacksons. But I didn’t have parents using me to get out of a bad situation.”

Now fools have taken the above and called it Beyonce talkin shit about Janet.  H&V don’t agree.  We know the truth hurts, but Bey was on point in her statement.  Everyone who halfway knows about the Jackson 5 knows that Joe’s crazy ass worked those boys like dogs and used them to get the family up outta Gary, Indiana.  She didn’t say anything about Janet.  Now, word is that Janet is all pissy and plans to confront Bey next time she sees her.  If that’s the case, Janet should put that energy toward accepting that her career is over! 

In a minute…

Lil Wayne Falls Onstage

Watch Lil Wayne do a Scooby Doo onstage!  Lawd have mercy.

The Real Housewives of OC: 12.30.08 Wrap-Up

What’s with these bitches putting their handbags on the fucking ground?  Do you know what kind of nasty shit has been on that ground?  Disgusting!  Vicki and her fat ass daughter did some mother/daughter bonding this episode.  We were hoping Brianne  was pregnant, but unfortunately it’s just fat!  And whoever picked out those shoes for Vicki should remain on the payroll because that’s the cutest shit Vicki’s ass owns!

We see that Slade is still a puppy dog for Jo.  That woman can do no wrong in his eyes.  We saw why when she pulled off that jacket.  Jo is annoying, but bitch was working the shit out of that dress!  We ain’t mad at her.  But um, Jo knows good and hell well that she can’t sing her way out of a Vlasic pickle jar. 

Lynne can be obsessed with being young all she wants, but she ain’t!  Lynne looks old as sin.  Just because you’re thin doesn’t mean you look young.  This bitch’s forearms have wrinkles.  How do your forearms get wrinkles?  With those 70 year old woman lookin hands.  Did you see them being tanned?  Lynne and her daughters looked like carrots in that spray booth!

Hold up!  Tamra‘s dad left her mom after almost 3 decades of marriage for her friend!  We woulda whooped that bitch’s ass, number one…his number two!  That explains a lot about Tamra’s messy ass!  Is this not the messiest bitch on tv?  She should be happy that Gretchen didn’t slap the shit out of her for that out of line bullshit she said at dinner.  Why the fuck would you open your mouth to question someone else about how they’re handling their fiance having Cancer?  Tamra don’t know where the fuck she would go…Bass Lake or Vegas!  Hollywood or Vine sho nuff woulda caused a scene if she said that shit to one of us!  We wonder how Tamra is going to act when her tattoo gettin, baby makin crazy ass son comes out!  Just saying…

If we have to see Vicki in that damn top one more time, we might scream.  That low cut number with the cap sleeves and the built in jeweled belt at the waist.  How the fuck many of the same top did she get in different colors?  It ain’t that damn cute! 

Raquel is a fucking obnoxious little bitch!  How the fuck is she gonna bully her little sister into giving up her cute little outfit for her to wear?  This bitch is like a bridezilla in the  making.  All the shopping they did and all the clothes in that house and she didn’t know until right before her fucking birthday party that she didn’t like that stripper get up?  Poor Alexa looked so uncomfortable in that dress.  We think she switched dresses just so Raquel would shut the fuck up!  All this brat does is complain.  She better be glad she has white parents because there wouldn’t have been a party and damn sure not a brand new BMW if her parents were black!  Can you imagine a black daddy buying a brand new BMW for a spoiled bitch like this?

Lynne didn’t really tell her 15 year old daughter that she looked “classy” in a dress that barely covered her fucking ass.  Someone tell us that we heard her wrong!  Short, unattractive skater boy was right!  Alexa did look like a stripper.  Then to make matters worse, Lynne says that the dress is one of hers!  Lynne, sweetie, you have not been young or looked young in probably 20 years!  Walking around looking like a whore ain’t doing shit but makin you look like an old bitch trying unsuccessfully to hold onto her youth.  Take a page out of Jeana‘s book!  Bitch is aging with more grace than the rest of ya’ll!

Now, the dinner with all the ladies changed some shit for H&V.  We used to like Vicki, but damn she was ruder than usual trying to question Lynne!  Shit, Lynne has just as much right to direct the conversation as the other broads.  Speaking of Lynne, we are feeling her a lot more after seeing how she let them know fuck, I don’t get out that much so when I do, I don’t want to talk about no damn kids or Cancer, period!  People don’t always want to hear that shit!  The whole dinner was  just a disaster.  Vicki with her jealous ass.  No, Lynne shouldn’t get a job, not if she doesn’t have to.  Just because Vicki works like a dog to avoid her miserable life doesn’t mean everyone else should!  We’re disappointed in Vicki lately.  And Tamra with that unhealthy hair.  She needs to just cut if off and start over!  She was wrong for that shit.  We ain’t feelin her!

On a serious note, we truly hope that Gretchen’s husband Jeff makes a full recovery.  But he if she doesn’t stop fucking him while he’s in the ICU, he don’t stand a chance!

In a minute…

Real Housewives of OC: 12.16.08

Okay, a few things stood out to Hollywood & Vine tonight.  Why the fuck did Tamra allow her husband, Simon, to take Kara‘s young, 19 year old ass to the firing range?  What is wrong with this bitch?  You don’t let your husband go to the shooting range with a teeny bopper.  Tamra might think she’s the hottest housewife, but she ain’t 19!  To an old ass rich man, it doesn’t get any better than that!  This is how they lose their husbands!  Simon told Kara that she didn’t need a sexy gun!  Keep on Tamra, keep on!

Speaking of Tamra, her son Ryan is, well…never mind.  Our faithful readers know exactly what the hell we’re thinking.

It’s not even that Vicki looks old; she just makes herself look so fucking bad all the time.  That poorly styled, thin hair and her raccoon eyes.  Shit, at least the Atlanta Housewives hire professional make-up artists to work on them before they leave the house!  Keep on, Don probably already has a piece on the side and if she don’t quit, he WILL divorce her ass, take half her money and have a nice day!

Don is 10 years older than Vicki, but he LOOKS 10 years younger than her!  He done told her that if she doesn’t give him attention, someone else will.  He ain’t lyin!  These white women need to stop thinking they look so good that their husbands won’t leave their asses!

Jeana and Vicki need to stop giving each other marital advice!  They both have fucked up ass marriages.  Just be each others friend and hire shrinks for the advice. 

We don’t really have an opinion about the new broad, Lynne.  All we want to know is if these bitches look in the mirror!  She was talkin about how she just wants to look young.  Okay, great, but you ain’t looked young in 30 years honey.  Maybe if they’d stop worrying about aging and just take care of themselves, they wouldn’t look old as sin!

We already see Vicki is going to fall off our good list next week from the preview. 

We can’t WAIT to see Matt tell Kara “you’re just really overcooked”!  Only a crazy muthafucka who got hit upside the head with a baseball would say some funny shit like that.  You’re just really overcooked!

In a minute…

Racial Slur Printed on Receipt

Have ya’ll heard about this bullshit?  A young, black college student was home visiting his family in Kansas on a break from school.  He bought a pair of shoes at Journeys, a department store inside a mall in Overland Park, KS.  He later found the same pair of shoes at a different store for a lesser amount.  Obviously, he bought them there and returned the first pair to Journeys. 

What he saw on his return receipt later on that night is fucking mind blowing!  The “reason for return” that the employee chose FROM THE SYSTEM was “Dumb Nigger”!  No, this shit is not a joke.  This department store, Journeys, actually has Dumb Nigger programmed into their system as a reason for a return! 

Hollywood & Vineare not too surprised, but we’re still a little speechless…a little!  We don’t live in Kansas and we don’t shop at Journeys.  However, we hope that all of our readers in Kansas and anywhere else this piece of shit store is located will never spend another dolla in there ever again!  Click here to watch the video and tell us what you think! 

In a minute…

Pissing Off Our Readers:-)

One of  Hollywood and Vine‘s readers was a little ticked with us about our thoughts on My House Is Worth What? on HGTV.  First of all, since you call yourself a “man”, you should be “man” enough to give your real name and not some stupid ass alias (Joe Blow) like a punk ass bitch!  Number two, if you don’t like the shit we say, don’t read this muthafucka.  This is OUR blog and OUR blog is about OUR opinions, period! 

You wanna talk about black women living in crack houses, being promiscuous and not understanding English??  You know what we think?  We think you’re one of the titty having muthafuckas from the show.

Suck on that, bitch!

In a minute…

Buffoon of the Year…Plaxico Burress

burress

Now you know Hollywood & Vine had to say something about Plaxico Burress’ stupid ass!  Is this not the dumbest nigga in the NFL?  Just in case anyone out there hasn’t heard about this shit, let us fill you in.

In the early morning hours of Saturday, November 29, Burress and his NY Giants teammate Antonio Pierce rolled up to Manhattan nightclub, Latin Quarter, even though his hamstring injury having ass should have been in the fucking house!  They made their way pass all the groupies in line and headed straight to VIP.  What the non pattin down, dick ridin security guards didn’t know was that the nigga had a loaded, semiautomatic gun in the waistband of his SWEAT PANTS!  Um….

About 30 minutes later, this fool started was fucking around with his drink and the gun fell from his waistband.  As Buress tried to grab the gun, probably to keep people from knowing that he was stupid enough to think a gun would stay put in the waistband of some damn SWEATS, he accidentally pulled the trigger and shot HIMSELF in the thigh!

Apparently, he then told Pierce “take me to the hospital”.  Pierce helped this fool to the Escalade that brought them to the club with an unknown ride or die bitch behind the wheel.  One of the security guards picked up the gun, unloaded it, brought it to the Escalade and asked Pierce what he wanted him to do with it.  Pierce put it in the glove compartment and they went to New York-Presbyterian Hospital/Weill Cornell Medical Center.  The rest of the story is boring, but if you’d like to read it, click here.

H&V have a few questions and comments:

–  If Plexiglas is so afraid for his safety that he needs to carry a gun in his panties, why not just hire a bodyguard?  Duh!!

–  Why did someone over the age of 4 think that a gun would stay put in the waistband of some damn sweats?

–  Antonio Pierce claims he didn’t know that Plaxico had a gun until it went off!  Okay negro…

–  Poor Eli Manning.  These half witted ass fools done fucked up his chance for a second consecutive ring! 

Update:  Plexiglas took a plea that will put him behind bars for 20 months!  His dumb ass should be grateful that he didn’t get the maximum sentence of 15 years!  He deserved it!

In a minute…

Cadillac Records NYC Premiere (Photos)

Ya’ll know H&V have some commentary on the photos circulating from the NYC Premiere of Cadillac Records.

1

Is that a blunt or a beedi that Mos Def‘s ass is smoking on the red carpet?

Bryan Bedder/Getty Images

Bryan Bedder/Getty Images

Columbus Short, the only thang that’s gonna be short on you is your sperm count if you keep wearing pants that tight around your nuts!
Bryan Bedder/Getty Images

Bryan Bedder/Getty Images

Diddy looks a mess with that Snuffleupagus coat on!  He looks like he has his hair slicked back with two micro yaki ponytails coming down over both shoulders!  You gotta do better!
PNP/ WENN

Credit: (Mandatory): PNP/ WENN

Tocarra…never mind, that’s too easy!
Picture by ST/Splash News

Picture by ST/Splash News

Either Jay-Z is saggin his damn tuxedo pants or he took a shit in ’em.  Either way, tacky!  It’s bad enough he’s sportin his naps these days; at least pull up your fucking pants Jigga, damn!
Janet Mayer / Splash News

Picture by: Janet Mayer / Splash News

We love seeing the Booty & the Beast together!  Beyonce looks fabulous, as usual.  She truly is his greatest accessory.  If you stare hard enough, you can see the Hope Diamond on her ring finger!
Photo by Bryan Bedder/Getty Images

Photo by Bryan Bedder/Getty Images

Mama Tina looks amazing for a seasoned veteran…..from the neck up!  She saw her stomach sticking out like that.  Something a little more forgiving in the mid-section could have been just as sexy and just as flattering!  And she has a clothing line??!!
What are ya’ll captions for these photos?  Let H&V know.
In a minute…

OJ, They Finally Gotcha!

Associated Press
Associated Press

 

They finally got OJ Simpson‘s stupid, black ass where they want him…behind bars!  Today, the Juice was sentenced to AT LEAST 15 years after he and his dumb ass friends got caught on tape in a Las Vegas hotel armed robbery! 

H&V do not feel sorry for this nigga!  You are a famous black man who got off on the murders of a blond, white woman and her white lover!  Sit your ass down somewhere and be thankful that you ain’t up under a jail somewhere hangin with the Mean Machine’s cheerleaders!  What does this nigga do?  He runs around with more, young, white bitches – beats them up, always causin a scene and now this!  How do you go to Vegas and not know that your ass in on tape?  That’s what he gets.

Don’t get it twisted.  That “at least 15 years” bullshit is just some leeway so that the courts can fuck with OJ’s ass!  He’ll be eligible for parole in 9 years, but we all know he’ll be denied!  We hate to say it, but OJ ain’t leaving jail until his family lays him to rest!  Please believe it!

In a minute…

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