Where Reality Meets Rhapsody

Archive for April, 2009

Real Housewives of NYC: Episode 11 Recap

Here we go bitches!  I’m so excited to watch this episode.  I just want you East Coasters to know that it’s 4am in Cali and I’m watching/blogging at this hour to make sure you cranky bitches can read this when you get to work!

First up, Jill Zarin…of course.  I take that back.  Simex is at a Zarin store looking for window treatments or as my grandmama used to say…DRAPES!  Those two bad ass little van Kempen children grate on my last fucking nerve.  Playing hide and seek in the fabric and shit!  I woulda whooped his ass!  These two bad muthafuckas make a good argument for spanking.  That’s all I’m sayin…

Over to Bethenny…my girl.  She’s gettin’ her hair done by Francky L’Official.  Translation – Frank Official.  Now, Bethenny has a weave.  Why don’t other white girls get their shit done, cut and styled like?  I’m tired of seeing the Britney Spears – Paris Hilton weaves!  I love sista girl who stood there the ENTIRE time Bethenny was gettin’ her hair done.  I honestly think she does that every time B is in the salon and not just cuz the cameras were there.  Wouldn’t you wanna sit and listen to her one liners while on the clock?  Born again slut lol!  Hilarious.  Anyway, Frank’s gonna hook B up with his “best friend” who’s a model.  Let’s see this train wreck unfold.

Over at the van Kempen construction site, they’re still under the impression that their home will be done in a few more days.  So they’re planning a housewarming party lol.  What world do these two live in?  For real.  One thing at a time people.  Does anyone else get the impression that Alex would be fine all by herself? 

I’m sorry, it’s still hard for me to watch Ramona’s little sequence.  She looks like a black girl who just got her hair done and can’t swim standing up on a tug boat in the middle of the ocean while the “captain” is makin’ the shit rock from side to side.  Why does she gyrate like that when all she’s doing is standing up? 

But back to the show…she goes to see her doctor friend to discuss this sweat like a whore in church problem she has.  If she’d stop all that moving around when she’s standing and walking, she wouldn’t sweat so damn much!  Problem solved.  What I loved was while Ramona was explaining her problem to the doctor, Doc said “how emBARRassing”!  Gotta love her!  Ramona can act like she’s walked outta the house without make-up on if she wants to, but I know better.  No way would her face be red like that with a white neck unless she didn’t apply her foundation and powder to both! 

Bethenny is tellin’ Jill Zarin about the model blind date.  Jill Zarin tells her from the gate she ain’t feelin’ the model.  But Bethenny explained to her that she’s over the nerds cuz they are some insecure assholes with money.  She said they’re called “trick guys”!  Just tricks baby girl, tricks! 

ex-Countess Lu and Kelly had drinks “downtown” with Lu’s nieces.  Lu always makes such a big deal outta being “downtown”, as if she’s having cocktails in the ghettos of Harlem! 

Why can’t this woman dress herself?  Ya’ll know I’m talkin’ about Kelly.  Did bitch just say that she doesn’t eat salads on dates cuz she’s “already skinny enough”?  Bitch please!  You ain’t fat, but you ain’t as thin as you think!  So, they’re sittin’ there having a girls’ night out and who shows up?  Uh huh…Max Max’s suspect ass!  How the fuck are you gonna invite your dude to girls’ night out?  Ramona left Jill Zarin’s party last season over this same shit!  Bullshit.  This is when you need Ramona around cuz she woulda cussed Kelly out!  Rude!  ex-Countess Lu said that she loves living vicariously through the single girls…Ya’ll know me well enough – you complete that thought!

Back at the construction site, they have 5 days until the party and this shit doesn’t look like it’s gonna happen. 

Over to B’s blind date with Felipe!  I woulda said no when I found out his name, but that’s just me.  Bethenny looked good, for sure.  I didn’t think Phillip was all that cute, especially when he opened his mouth to show those European teeth!  Oh my gawd, Bethenny’s sense of humor is totally wasted on this man!  Totally wasted.  All her good material is going right over his 90’s haircut! 

For some reason, Jill Zarin, Bobby Vegas, Brad and Bethenny are riding around NY like a bunch of NFL rookies in a white Escalade limo.  I don’t like these mini segments Bravo has been doing lately. 

It looks like Simex pulled the shit off and can I say Thank God!  Their place was ridiculous before.  It’s party time!  Simon is stressed cuz everything isn’t perfect.  Sooo let me get this straight.  You will have a birthday party for your kids with other adults there with your hallway and downstairs looking like an abandoned building, BUT you have to straighten a photo on the wall for a housewarming party?  Okay, just checking.

Ms. Kelly was the first one to arrive talkin’ about “do I have to take off my shoes”.  I can’t even comment.  Simon looks like he’s going to see Cher in concert with that shiny ass jacket.  Kelly is such a fake ass bitch askin’ Simex to explain which Manhattan neighborhood is comparable to their Brooklyn neighborhood.  Who the fuck is she?  She’s so low budget!  WAIT, did ya’ll see Alex’s spanx under her dress?  Work those spanx bitch!

Charity meeting number 3 for Jill’s charity.  B was the bigger person to ask Kelly for a moment to clear the air.  That went over like a lead balloon.  I’m convinced that Kelly is either a heavy drinker or she’s on drugs cuz she for real acted like she did not know what the fuck Bethenny was talking about.  Like it was the first time she heard this shit.  The way she tells Bethenny to “stooop” made me wanna jump up and slap her through the fucking TV.  This bitch is out of her damn mind!  Bethenny needs one of her homegirls from the race track to whoop this bitch’s ass!  One of “Black Joe’s” cousins or nieces!

Next week is the finale and it’s lookin’ like the Bethenny/Jill love affair is about to end.  Damnit!

Thoughts?

Vine…in a minute 

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The Hills Season 5: 4/27/09 Recap

Why do ya’ll request more of the shows that I watch?  Bombard Hollywood with requests.  Oh speaking of, she’ll be glued to Gotti’s Way and New York Goes to Work for anyone looking forward to that shit.

I know I’m late with the Hills, but it’s so hard to watch this bullshit.  Aight, here we go.

LC, Lo, Audrina and Steph went on vacation to Hawaii to crash the boys’ trip.  Wow, they seem SO fucking shocked.  Come on now.  Stephanie ain’t been there 20 seconds and bitch already has a drank in hand.  If you saw it, you know I ain’t lying.  20 seconds MAX LOL!

Natasha Bettingfield or whatever, is still getting paid for this old ass song.  I ain’t mad at her.

Back to Hawaii, Audrina is drooling over Brody, but obsessing about Justin Bobby!  How could anyone think of someone so ugly while sitting in a beautiful place like Hawaii?

Back in L.A., the newly married (in “real” life) Speidi are at Barnes & Noble talkin’ about how Heidi’s ex Colby is coming to town.  Didn’t see that one coming. 

Colby and his girl are at XIV to meet Speidi for dinner.  This shit is lame.  Colby’s girl, I think Ashley, looks like a down home school marm.  She played the shit outta Heidi though tellin’ her how she’s seen pictures and she looks like a totally different person now.  One for the virgin!  She might not be gettin’ laid, but she could tell the new hair, lips and boobs a mile away! 

Over in Hawaii, Stephanie is pretty much pimpin’ Audrina out to Brody and he bit.  Audrina wears way too much make-up.  She doesn’t need all that shit.  Ease up boo!  Stephanie done encouraged her to whore herself out to Brody to make Justin Bobby jealous.  Uhhh, why not just hook up with Brody cuz he’s fine as hell?  What does that homeless lookin’ dude have to do with anything?

Spencer being the creep that he is, took poor, backed up Colby to box figuring he had plenty of aggression to get out since he can’t let it out on Ashley or the maternity dress she had on at dinner.  Dude couldn’t even jab right.  So let me get this straight.  He doesn’t drink, smoke, cuss or fuck AND to top it off he can’t protect my ass if somethin’ goes down?  I’d rather fuck with Spencer!

Speidi has the Virgins over for Bible study.  They ought to be shamed playin’ with the Lord like this.  Anyway, Ashley said that in the Bible, sex before marriage is called “fornification”!  FORNIFICATION?!  Really!?  Between her and Colby they ain’t the smartest couple.  They are lackin’ in all kinds of areas!  Spencer is looking at them like they’re from Bedrock and they drove to his apartment in a car that was powered by their feet!  This fool started texting during Bible study.  He’s a cold piece of work.

Back on the big island, Brody’s friends are tellin’ him how Audrina dangled her cherry in his face and he ain’t pop it.  I mean, no that’s not what they said exactly, but it’s what they meant.  Fine ass Brody makes it clear that he is only attracted to his girlfriend – remember the trashy broad from last week?  Her.  Oh wait, he amended that.  If it’s late night and nobody is around, THEN he would hit that.  Audrina just smiled and agreed like a damn hooker.

LC and Lo’s nosey asses wanna know what the fuck went down with Audrina and Brody last night; she spent the night with him.  Now Steph wants to play coy like she wasn’t pimpin’ Audrina out the night before. 

Brody admits to the boys that he fucked Audrina.  Audrina basically admits to the girls the same.  Steph told her that Brody’s girlfriend would be starting WWIII wit her when she finds out.  Audrina was like I don’t care, start a war.  Whatever.  I love white girls.  She fucked that woman’s boyfriend, but then had a chip on her shoulder about the girlfriend getting mad…like she didn’t do shit wrong!  Only in America.

Thoughts?

Vine…in a minute

For the Love of Ray J Reunion

We’re “live” with Lala hosting, of course!  As she puts it, we’re here to see if Ray and Cocktail still have the magic from when they finished the show…you know, the magic that can only be found in Vegas drunk and off ‘E’…allegedly!

First up, Stilts.  Ray said he don’t date married women.  So, maybe he wasn’t fucking Whitney Houston?!  Stilts is in the hot seat.  She looks decent.  She clowned the shit outta Ray talkin’ bout he can stand on a table to be her height.  Love it.  I mean, yeah she was faulty for goin’ on a dating show while being married, BUT Ray ain’t much better cuz his shit is dirty, too!  Notice he laughed when Stilts called his ass out!  He didn’t say one more word to her ass!  Someone get him a booster seat please!

Caviar is up!  She looks like she got a little thick in the middle since she got kicked off the show.  WHO dressed LaLa in that ill-fitting yellow dress!  Please show us Chicago Larry!  I’ve been waitin’ to see this ugly nigga ALL DAY!  OH MY GOD!  OH MY GAWD!  This is one of the oldest, ugliest niggas I done EVA seen!  Aight, Ray is crazy!  HE was the one on the show talkin’ about how fabulous and well-known Chicago Larry was and shit.  Now all of a sudden he’s sayin’ Chicago Larry’s popularity was boosted by him being on the show.  Well which fucking one is it? 

Chardonnay is back!  She got a new weave and she looks great!  Let’s see how Ray is gonna clean this up when she gets in the hot seat!  Chardonnay looks better than LaLa and she ain’t had baby the first by a multi-millionaire!  LaLa got her crying and shit over this munchkin!  Poor baby.  Ray looked like he KNEW he picked the wrong one.  THAT is how you come back when you got dumped!

Danger’s crazy/deranged ass is next!  Do ya’ll hear the music in the background?  Danger looks a hot ass mess!  WHO put that wig on Unique’s head.  OH MY GAWD.  Unique just busted her out that she’s a ho!  A straight up prostitute!  She tried to put her craziness off on being from the Bay.  Bullshit!  Bitch is a lunatic.  That has shit to do with being from the Bay Area. 

Uniqua is up next!  She didn’t wanna box earlier in the season cuz she didn’t wanna look a fool.  Well what the fuck is she doing now on the show?  Who combed her hair?  Obviously nobody!  Ray lookin’ like he’s GLAD he didn’t pick her ass!  She looks a mess.  I hope Cashmere calls her fuckin’ ass out.  Ya’ll KNOW that shit pissed me off!  Other than those ugly blue shoes, Cashmere looks good, too!  OHHHH, she just called Uniqua bi-sexual!  We all saw that broad sitting and enjoying lap dances from Feisty and Chardonnay!  Own it bisexual girl, own it! 

LaLa is talkin’ about taking a look back at Ray and Cocktail’s journey…like they fell in love or somethin’!  WHY THE HELL DOES SHE LOOK LIKE THAT?  The sistas in the audience laughin’ at this broad.  She looks like she got that dress from Mervyns!  Just cheap and bootleg.  Chardonnay is a stripper and looked better than her ass!  How you gone look WORSE than the broads you beat out!

Wait, Caviar had to lean over and ask someone what the fuck LaLa asked!  This shit is hilarious.

Cocktail done professed her love to Ray.  He just sat there looking at the camera.  Ray said he wants to get to know more about her..Yeah, does she like Doggy Style or Missionary?  Role play or S&M!

He’s going to use her ass up, literally, then throw her back to West Sacramento to that dining room-LESS house!  He’ll be done in time for Season 2 to start filming.  They already cast for the shit.

What did ya’ll think of the reunion?

…in a minute

Dancing w/the Stars: 4/27/09 Live Blog & Results

Shit, I almost missed Gilles and Cheryl kickin’ off the show.  Looks like Mr. Good(Big)Bar has a problem with his shoulder.  He got a cortizone shot so now he feels no pain, trust!  Lindy Hop for them.  He’s a little off tonight, like a step ahead of Cheryl here and there!  This has to be worse than his Jive.  I can’t believe this, but they actually made a sexy ass man look like shit with that jacked up ass hair and high water pants!  HATED IT!  The judges can like that bullshit if they want, but that was horrible to me.  Total 27!  They’re playin’ already!

Derek, Lil Kim and her I smelled dog shit grin are up next with the Paso.  You know, if her ass would show up to rehearsal on time, maybe Derek could work on those facial expressions and not just her dancing.  Side note, Derek tweeted the other day that bitch was 3 hours late.  WHAT else does she think she has to do?  Here we go…Kim is working this shit OUT!  Those dog shit faces suit her in this dance AND her back fat has all but disappeared!  You betta work!  That shit was HOT!!!!  Total 29!  Fabulous, but that shit was 30 worthy!

Julianne and 2 buck Chuck are up next.  Cha Cha Cha for them.  Julianne is in some panties with fringe hangin’ from them.  I’m not enjoying this!  Julianne is dancing around him.  Why is that fun for us?  That was bullshit.  I hope the judges call this one right!  Yes…right!  WHAT ARE THEY WATCHING?  They loved it.  I think at this point they’re trying to give decent to good dancers positive feedback so they can focus their negativity on Ty’s ass.  Watch.  I missed their scores, but who cares?!

Shawn and Mark are up with the Samba.  She looks cute tonight, not like a teenager as usual.  Mark looks fucking great!  I thought  that was good.  Not great, but good.  She wasn’t energetic enough for me!  Total 27!

Missy and Tony’s week in training is up.  She has a hairline fracture in her ribs.  Poor baby!  She and Tony performed in rehearsal and here it goes.  Shit, it looked like a fucking rehearsal mark through.  She woulda danced the shit outta that tonight.  Ya’ll already know she’s gettin’ my votes.  Nobody can deny my girl can dance her ass off!  Total 21!  Not bad for what we saw.

Ty and Chelsie are gonna salsa after the commercial!  Here we go.  Chelsie ain’t foolin’ me.  I know good and hell well she knew what Len meant by “had more rise and fall than a bride’s nightie”!  Lord have mercy – she done took Ty to get a spray tan for this shit!  He better bring it after all that.  They’re in trouble.  He’s already walkin’ stiff and they just started.  Umm, how do I say this gingerly?  That was ACTUALLY cool!  I’m shocked as shit.  Chelsie’s choreography is off the charts!  Total 24!  Not bad for them.

Team dances are  up next.  Hopefully there won’t be a train wreck like Susan Lucci’s Cha Cha group last season.  Ya’ll remember that shit?

Aight Team Mambo is first dancing to Single Ladies.  I feel a nightmare coming on!  Melissa (Lacey is taking her place), Shawn and Chuck!  Group section was tight!  Lacey and Tony were HOT!  Shawn and Mark are out doing their solo now.  He’s just outdancing her.  She needs some 5 hour energy or something.  Now Chuck and Julianne.  Really, they should ended with Tony and Lacey/Melissa.  Hold up, these fools just stripped into leotards and tights like Beyonce’s video!  That shit was absolutely hilarious.

Bruno has turned the judging into a Chippendales show!  He has the men standing all up in front of his with their tights on talkin’ about he loves a man who shops in the women’s department LOL!  Total 25, thanks to Bruno’s 9 and love of men in tights!

Team Tango is up next – Kim, Ty and Gilles’ sexy ass.  I’d like to Tango with him.  Aight, sorry.  You know by now I get easily distracted!  I bet this will be good!  OMG, Gilles shirtless.  HOT already.  First up Derek and Kim.  WORK BITCH WORK!  Shit, she just messed up and it showed all over her face.  Damn!  Ty and Chelsie are next.  I know he’s tryna look serious, but it looks more like he’s holdin’ in a shit.  Gilles and Cheryl bringing up the rear.  No, I won’t make another nasty joke LOL!  They were great and the whole group at the end was great!  I gotta give it up to Lil Kim.  She held her own on the floor with the two pro women!  FABULOUS!  Total – 29!

Update – Chuck and Julie Andrews went home!

Vine…in a minute

Dancing w/the Stars: 4/27/09 Breaking News!

Damnit!  My girl, Melissa ‘Missy’ Rycroft, won’t be dancing tonight because she injured her rib cage!  Shit!  Hopefully she and Tony have something decent enough to be aired in order to get some points.

Get well soon girl and we’ll see that ass next week!

Vine…in a minute

Candy Girls: 4/26/09 Recap

First let me give a shout out to all the real Boss Bitches!  I’m going to keep this short and sweet since next week will be the best episode.  ,

Danielle is stupid!  Point blank, anyone (friend, mother, father, baby daddy) who is intentionally fucking up my money has to go!  Kysha is trying to be funny and send the girls to the wrong spot.  Does she not understand that’s a reflection on the ENTIRE agency??!  If she can do so much better than the girls, then she needs to stop being such a hater, get up off her ass and put in some work!  Considering that I still believe this is NOT a real agency.  

Brooke and Terricka obviously built this agency and if they leave, Danielle will have to return that leased CLK and Range Rover and move out of that staged TV home she is living in!  April suppose to be the OG in this game.  Well give your girl some good advice for a change and tell her to get a back bone!

Hollywood…in a minute

Celebrities on Twitter…Our Thoughts

As ya’ll know, there are a ton of celebrities on Twitter.  H&V don’t follow all of them, but we follow a few and must speak on it.  Actually, one in particular irritated the shit outta Vine this morning.   But we figured, why single his ass out?!

Britney Spears – She and her people Tweet sometimes.  She might even follow you.  MIGHT!  Compared to other celebs with 60,000 followers who only follow 15 of their fucking fans like Donnie Wahlberg, Britney is more in the spirit of things!

Ashton Kutcher– The supposed Mayor of Twitterville/King of Twitter probably won’t find you important enough to follow, but he occasionally responds to his admirers.

Guiliana Rancic – She’s fun to follow.  Doesn’t take herself too seriously and definitely interacts with everyone.  She even dishes on celebrities from time to time.

Shaq– Funny as shit to follow.  He pretty much responds to all @replies.  So once you get used to skipping over shit that has nothing to do with you, it’s cool.  He’s been known to leave game tickets at Will Call for his Tweeps.

Lamar Odom – Love him on Twitter!  He’s a witty muthafucka.  Read some of his @replies to fans.  He has charisma!  He won’t sit for hours on end talking to people, but he’ll give as many fans as possible attention a good 20-30 minutes almost daily!  And he’s fine as fuck!

Perez Hilton – Unless you’re a celebrity or think he can say/do no wrong, he won’t acknowledge you.

Marvet Britto– For all ya’ll in PR or getting into PR, you need to follow her ass.  Still one of the baddest bitches in the game.  She gives up PR knowledge daily.  She won’t follow you back, but she does respond to pretty much all questions.

Jim Jones – worth following just to try and decipher his damn updates and read about his crazy antics.

Kelly Rowland – Love her!  She’s sweet and down to earth.  Like we all didn’t know that.  She talks about her life on the daily.  She might follow you if you ask her to and she’ll more than likely respond to your @reply.

Paula Abdul – She responds to every fucking body!  She loves being able to speak directly to her fans.  She tweets about Idol a lot, too.

June Ambrose– God love her and she’s talented as hell, but she tweets too damn much.  We both had to unfollow her.  It’s too much.

Solange Knowles– She’s another one who tweets too much, BUT at least she’s funny sometimes.  Like the other day when she was out and the DJ at the spot wouldn’t play her request so she called him a dickhead LOL!

MC Hammer – There are no words.  You must follow him to understand.

Brandy – She keeps it real!  She even talked about Unique the other day!

Evan Ross and Tracee Ellis Ross – We think both of these are fakes!

Derek Hough– He’s a crack up!  Tweetin’ about how Lil Kim comes like 3 hours late to rehearsal and even takes pics of the clock LOL!

Star Jones – We don’t give a fuck what anyone says, we like Star.  She’s honest, but not too over the top!  She probably won’t follow you, but she will respond to you!

Tyrese – He’s hilarious.  Worth the follow.  He might actually speak to non-celebrity followers, too.

Fantasia – Fake account.  The real Fantasia is not on Twitter! 

Day 26 – Can’t stand these pretentious barely celebrities!  They do not follow their fans nor do they respond!  How the fuck you gonna be traveling around promoting your album and when fans ask when and where you’ll be making an appearance, you don’t respond to them?  What the hell kinda sense does that make?  Day 26, ya’ll are pissing off your fans…with ya’ll down low asses (allegedly)!

We’ll be updating this list from time to time so check back!

Any other celebrity Twitter insight?  Tell H&V all about it!

H&V…in a minute

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