DWTS 12: Week 3 Recap

I apologize for being MIA last week.  I don’t remember where I was, but if I missed DWTS you know I was busy for real.

This week each “star” has to do a dance that tells a personal story about themselves.  First up, Wendy “How You Dancin” Williams.  Evidently Wendy used to sleep in her car and take ho baths at rest stops in between jobs while pursuing her radio dreams.  She might not can dance, but I give it up to her for following her heart.  Yep, I have a heart!  Here she and Tony go with the Fox Trot to Last Night a DJ Saved My Life LOL!  Len is going to HATE this, but I have to say, she is lookin way more comfy on the dance floor than the first 2 weeks combined.  I say improvement!  Told ya.  Len said it was a dance more suited for the radio.  Dayum!  Carrie Ann and Bruno pretty much felt the same way.  15 total.

Chelsea and Mark are up next.  She chose the song “Chelsea” which was written for her by her first love.  Cheese!  She couldn’t find a different life story than that?  Anyway, cha cha cha coming up…Uh oh, they done put a weave in her head.  Guess you can’t be flirty with short hair.  If she moved in the bed the way she just moved on the dance floor, that dude broke up with her.  That was sooo not sexy.  She did the steps, but she was stiff!  I knew the judges were going to like that bull.  They need to quit.  8s from Len and Bruno?  Stop it!

Chris Jericho and Cheryl dancing to Let It Be (I hate the Beatles).  Hi mom was in an accident and he wanted to give up wrestling to take care of her and she wouldn’t let him.  Sadly, she passed away in 2005, but he said she always loved dancing.  The song reminds him of his mother; he even played it at her funeral.  I bet this will be a very good, yet awkward, Rumba.  Wow!  That is why Cheryl is a pro.  That was the most tasteful Rumba I’ve ever seen on DWTS.  I’m sure that his mom would be so proud of him.  That was great.  Carrie Ann is choked up.  I actually surprised that Len is giving him a bit of shit about his arms.  I was sure they wouldn’t say one bad word about that performance cuz of the back story.  Bruno just said what I said, that it managed to not be a sexy dance, but more elegant.  They gave Chelsea 8s, let’s go.  Oh c’mon son, 21!  I’m really tryna watch my language, but that’s bullshit!

Kendra’s trashy ass and Louis are up next.  Hopefully she doesn’t have to try to act like a lady again.  She’s telling a story about her and Hank meeting and falling in love, but then people were wondering why he was marrying her after Hef, being a stripper and all the other shit that ya’ll know you wondered about Hank!  Um, since when does Hank play in the NFL?  A) who picked him up and B) ain’t nobody playing football boo, but I digress.  I think it’s a Rumba.  I predict a disaster cuz ain’t nothing sexy about her.  I’ll be constructive for a minute.  She needs to watch her facial expressions.  I could tell a couple times in the middle that she was messing up.  Hank is such a sucka.  I didn’t even pay attention to her score, but they seemed happy about it.

Romeo and Chelsie are up next.  I remember last week they loved his Quick Step.  Not I!  I’m not as impressed.  Anyway, he chose the song “I’ll Be There” cuz he lost his cousin in a car accident that he witnessed.  Then he lost a second cousin who was jumped and beat to death.  Again, another Rumba that should convey love and loss, not sex and passion.  I’m tryna be serious, but this ninja is wearing high heel shoes with tube socks and basketball shorts!  If they weren’t crazy about Chris’ Rumba, they ain’t gonna love this.  He hasn’t moved his hips ONE TIME!  It’s too hard and sharp.  If they don’t talk about that, I’ll know the fix is in!  Len pretty much liked it, but mentioned his heel leads.  Carrie Ann thought his movements were refined.  THANK YOU LEN!  He said this week he took a huge step back from last week.  Score – 20!

Hines and Kym are up dancing to “Fantasy” [EWF].  His mom used to love the song and worked hard to ensure he had a better life than she did.  So he wants to thank her.  Tonight he’s dancing a Samba.  What I wanna know is what’s the reason that he can’t get a closer shave on his head than that?  Just askin.  He started off on the wrong beat, but he’s sitting in it now.  They messed up a couple times, but I actually enjoyed watching him dance this week.  Lots of fun.  Solid.  Give it up judges…well, I know Carrie Ann will love him cuz he’s half black.  Len said he’s proud of him. Bruno said it was uplifting, as well.  Yes, really good, BUT was that his brother in the audience next to Mama Ward?  Damn he was fine.  Aight, for the score – 25!  Well deserved!

Petra and Dmitry are Waltzing.  I missed her story, but she’s so boring that I don’t want to rewind.  Uh oh, Carrie Ann aka The Lift Police had to have seen that damn lift!  She is just awkward out there.  Her shoulders sit up too high, her arms don’t fully extend.  Please stop voting for her.  Here goes Len with that bullshit saying Petra is the one to beat after that Waltz.  Lies!  All lies!  C’mon Carrie Ann, keep it real.   Nope, all three of them were with the bullshit!

Sugar Ray Leonard and Anna are up next.  Bless his heart.  His personal story is about beating the odds.  Professionally he said he was doubted and he overcame the critics and became a winner.  He vows to do the same on DWTS.  Uh, okay.  So Paso it is.  OMG, he’s dancing to My Prerogative!  I can’t!  He’s got the boxing announcer introducing him, but even that ain’t gonna help.  Lord help, this is whack!!  This is horrible!  If the judges say anything other than that, I might quit this damn show.  I mean, AWFUL!  Okay, Bruno is talking about how he can see Ray’s penis bulge.  This is the twilight zone.  Carrie Ann loved it, too!  Len said he did well!  LIES I TELL YOU!  He’s a legend in the ring, but on the dance floor he sucks!  20 total.  Len said it was great, but gave him a 6!  Mmm hmmm!

YES, now the show starts for me.  Kirstie and Maksim are up next!  They’re doing a Rumba.  She chose “Over the Rainbow”.  She moved to L.A. in 1980 and gave herself one year to become an actress.  She then got a call that her parents were hit by a drunk driver, her mom died and her dad was dying.  Within 3 days, she got a role on Star Trek.  Damn he’s hot.  OMG SHE JUST FELL ON HIM!  He tried to get back into it but was obviously hurt.  Oh dear lawd, I can’t watch.  Okay, I’m watching and my girl recovered very nicely!  Damnit that would have been a great performance!  Carrie Ann loved it and so did Len, in spite of the flubb.  Bruno made it 3 for 3.  Maks claimed his thigh gave out and that he was responsible.  I didn’t believe it until they just replayed it.  It really wasn’t her fault.  She was able to pull out a 21!

Ralph and Karina will Rumba next.  I’m not thinking this is going to be too good, but let’s see.  He chose a song from The Outsiders, the movie that launched his career.  He said some stuff about his wife, but I tuned him out.  Again, no hip action.  24 years his wife has been married to him and he has no hip action.  Po thang.  This is bad.  Kirstie fell in the beginning of her dance and it was still more entertaining to watch than that.  Let’s see his scores.  Tell it, Len!  No hips.  Bruno told him that his arm and hand movements are too harsh.  Carrie Ann thought it was a “sweet Rumba”.  Yeah, cuz that’s what everyone wants in a Rumba.  21!

Who did you love tonight.  For me, Hines and Kirstie stole the night!

…Vine…in a minute

Dancing w/the Stars: S12 Week 1 (Live Blog)

Chelsea and Mark are up first and they came out the gate fighting!  She’s very good!  Oh, a little bouncy toward the end; Len will hate that, but still fun to watch.  Overall I think the judges will love it.  If she can get people to pick up the phone and vote for her, she’ll go far.  7, 7 and 7.  800-VOTE4-01.

Wendy Williams and Tony Dovolani are up after the break!  How you dancin? OMG, Wendy, I love you, but you gotta sneak some of your talk show wigs to the DWTS set.  I watch her show so I know she can’t dance, but I’m still nervous that she’s going to fall over.  That’s a big mamma jamma!  Here we go…Well, um, okay.  She’s doing the steps without looking at her feet so that’s a good start LMAO!  I mean shit, she did the best she could.  Len is going to beat her up though!  Good Lord.  Bruno said she looked like a virgin out there!  5, 4, 5. 800-VOTE4-02

Hines Ward and Kym Johnson, I have a feeling this is going to be ugly.  He can’t get a closer shave on his head than that?  I’m distracted…but I digress.  Oh my, he moves his butt and his hips a bit too well for me.  Not in a sexy way AT ALL!  In a midtown Atlanta kind of way.  Cue Carrie Ann falling out over the obligatory minority male athlete…and scene!  Len liked it a lot and Bruno climaxed right before our eyes!  Scores after the break.  7, 7 and 7. 800-VOTE4-03

Petra Nemcova and Dmitry Chaplin…if she dances anything like her promo, she’s in trouble!  I can only imagine how tough it was for her to be dancing when she got the news about the tsunami in Japan.  I can, however, imagine how excited DWTS producers were at the timing.  Sad, but true!  Okay, she’s Foxtrotting.  Since her pelvis was broken in 4 places during the Sri Lanka tsunami, her flexibility isn’t too great. She did a respectable job, but she was boring to me.  Nope, not b/c it was a fox trot…she was just boring!  All the judges like her, but want her to improve greatly.  6, 6 and 6  800-VOTE4-04

Romeo and Chelsea Hightower are up!  Tony can deny all those rumors on her behalf if he wants to.  I’d bet money Romeo is tappin’ that!  OMG he left his doo-rag on for the cameras.  Oh yes, she is out there dancing like Cheryl when she has a partner she’s sleeping with (allegedly).  That was a trainwreck.  I’m sorry, from the tongue sticking out like he was on the basketball court to doing the dougie and shit!  And Carrie Ann needs a cold shower!  For once, I hope Len calls him on that mess.  He can do SO much better!  7, 6, and 6.  Carrie Ann is trippin.  800-VOTE4-05.

Sugar Ray Leonard and Anna are up.  He’s still in great shape.  Fox Trot to my favorite Huey Lewis song…don’t judge me.  Anna basically danced around him throughout the performance.  I think she could have done better by him.  Oh gawwwd, Carrie Ann said he reminded her of Ben Vereen.  Len said the dancing level was low.  Bruno wants to call him “Suga”.  6, 5, 6  800-VOTE4-06

Kendra’s trashy ass and Louis are up now.  I cannot stand this woman and they paired her with my man, Louis.  Lord, she’s falling all over her own feet, laughing about how she still dances like a stripper.  Kendra couldn’t do a classy performance if you paid her!  Commercial…She was determined to shake her ass in that performance.  She was actually counting during her performance.  Between her tryna be sexy and Hef’s old ass in the audience sitting next to her husband, I was paralyzed during the whole mess.  Pam Anderson was better!

Ralph Macchio and Karina Smirnoff…Lord forgive me, but he has NOT aged well.  My goodness he looks bad.  Okay, he’s 49, I’ll take some of that back.  Not all, but some.  He does look aight for 50, but damn.  Fox Trot.  Uh oh, hey now, Karina did some work on him!  I’m smiling!  OMG he’s pretty damn good!  WOW!  I’m totally shocked.  Standing O from the crowd and deservedly so!  He killed it!  He’s in it to win it.  Scores after the break!  8, 8 and 8  800-VOTE4-08

Chris Jericho and Cheryl Burke..Cheryl said that ballroom dancing is all about a man and woman connecting w/one another and nobody does that better than her.  No shit…allegedly!  This is already starting off bad.  He clapped for 8 counts and she danced around him for 4.  He is TOO BIG to be swirling his body around like that.  Wardrobe needs to do something to disguise those guns.  It didn’t work for me.  He did a decent job, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t know.  YES Carrie Ann, it was like a Chippendales performance.  He did it right, but there was no content.  7, 6, and 6  800-VOTE4-09

Mike Catherwood and Lacey Schwimmer – Evidently he hosts Love Line w/Dr. Drew.  Never heard of him, but he’s dancing with my girl so I’ll give him a chance.  I want Lacey’s hair to not look like that ever again.  Aight, Fox Trot.  He’s bad, but not a lost cause.  He has a ton of personality and with some work might be able to sell it better.  Yikes, he has a Jive next week.  Well shoot, one bad week at a time.  I missed his score and I’m guessing he’s 800-VOTE4-10  Kidding, here are the scores 5, 4, and 4.

My girl, Kirstie Alley and Maks are hopefully ending the show with a bang!  I’m expecting her to do her thing.  A dancing with the stars ho LOL!  She’s hilarious!  What is she, 50 or 60?  She’s still attractive if you ask me.  Love her.  WORK IT BITCH!  She was GREAT!  I knew it!  One of these seasons ya’ll will learn to listen to me:)  8, 7,  and 8!  Len, don’t start!  800-VOTE4-11

My predictions – Final 4: Kirstie, Chelsea, Ralph and Hines with Kirstie for the win!!

Who was your favorite tonight?

– Vine