DWTS 12: Week 4 Recap

Before we get started with “Classical Week”, I need to know why they refuse to dress Brooke Burke in flattering clothes.  It’s like they go all out for the dancers and hand Brooke a Macys gift card only good in the juniors department.

As the “stars” took the stage in the intro, Kirstie was visibly subdued.  I don’t blame her, but as an actress she’s not hiding her nerves well.

Romeo and Chelsie are first out the gate.  After last week, they really only have one way to go and that’s up.  Lord, he’s flexing his little bird pecs while rehearsing the Paso in studio.  He’s doing a good job.  Mainly cuz the stiffness in this dance suits him.  They judges will love it.  Carrie Ann “Lift Police” Inaba better call them on that, but he’s black and took his shirt off at the end so she’ll probably let it go.  Bruno’s fallin out over his six pack.  Ooooh wow, I stand corrected.  She did call him out, but loved his “swagga”.  When can we retire that word?  Please!  23 total!  At the end of his interview with Brooke he asked people to add him on Twitter.  I love that Hines Ward was sitting behind him stone faced with a “he’s beneath me” look.

Kendra and Louis are up with a Viennese Waltz.  This should be a disaster considering one should be graceful to pull this off.  Kendra’s about as graceful as a 4 month old tryna walk.  She decided to dress like a “gangster” so it’s no longer the Viennese Waltz…it’s the “Mafia Waltz”.  Would it kill her to show some class?  Okay, here we go.  Wow, there’s some opera singer on stage while they’re performing.  Distracting much!  She’s like a step behind the music.  She had a slight stumble, nothing major, but noticeable nonetheless.  You know, if she would point her damn toes, she would make half this shit look a LOT better.  Bruno didn’t like it.  Carrie Ann is trying to impress upon her that she needs to be elegant!  Len didn’t love it, but didn’t hate it either.  Is Mark in the corner texting LOL?  Total 18.

Sugar Ray’s non dancin’ ass is up next with Anna.  Poor Anna; she deserves a partner she can take to the finals.  Ray asked her to incorporate boxing.  Glad she said no.  NOBODY wants to see you dance-box every damn week.  It’s DANCING with the Stars, not Boxing w/the Stars.  Geez.  Viennese Waltz…let’s see it.  It was far better than any of his previous performances, that’s for sure.  I didn’t love watching him the way Carrie Ann did, but he was much better.  “Balletic”…Brooke coming with the big words this week.  Total 21.

Petra and Dmitry are up.  I still say she wasn’t as fabulous last week as the judges thought, but okay.  It’s a new week.  Seeing her ribs exposed during rehearsals is uncomfortable.  This is a very upbeat Paso.  She’s not going to be able to handle it is my prediction.  Dmitry’s doing all the work.  She’s too stiff!  He’s draggin’ her around the dance floor like a rag doll  with its ribs sticking out!  Basically, it sucked!  She doesn’t fully extend her arms or legs.  It was just a mess.  Len was so so about it.  Bruno is doing a basic striptease and rolling his Rs and carrying on like a dog in heat.  You lie like a rug Carrie Ann Inaba.  Her lines weren’t perfect the first and you know it.  Total 23!  LIES….ALL LIES!

Ralph and Karina are about to bring it with the Waltz.  Book it!  Ralph betta dance his ass off cuz once Karina shows the world her birth canal in Playboy next month, middle America is gonna be turned off.  They’re dancing to some song from Romeo & Juliet.  He’s killing this!  OMG this is so delightful to watch.  Give it up, judges!  Give up some 9s damnit!  That was AMAZING!!  Karina might get her first trophy if he keeps dancing like that!  Fabulous!  WHAT!!  8s from Carrie Ann and Len.  Thank you, Bruno, for that 9!  Bullshit!

Hines is having a tough time with the Paso cuz the music has no lyrics and he dances to the lyrics, not the rhythm.  Ummmm, not a good strategy, but okay.  Oh gawd, Hines did a little patty cake move on his thighs and Carrie Ann is going ape shit.  Girl stop!  It was good though.  Not as exciting as last week if you ask me, which you didn’t, but I’m sure the judges loved it.  He was good.  Not as good as Ralph, but good.  Yep, their comments said love.  Let’s see if their scores match.  There goes Carrie Ann with her 9 paddle@@  25 total.

“Still to come, the woman who hit the deck last week…”  LMAO!  Bergeron is a fool for that, but I digress.

Chelsea and Mark also have nowhere to go but up.  I don’t give a damn what the judges said, last week she did not dance well.  Watch it back, you’ll see how stiff she truly was.  BTW glad the extensions are out.  Ooops, spoke too soon.  Okay, she’s dancing it well, but I’m not feeling the choreography.  I think that it had an unnecessary darkness to it, which seems to be a theme for Mark this season.  Let’s see what the judges say.  Len didn’t like it either!  He said pretty much what I said.  Bruno thought she danced better than anyone else tonight.  Carrie Ann loved the choreography.  It WAS good, but it didn’t work in my opinion.  Me thinks Mark needs to leave the weird black earrings and finger nail polish off camera and out of his choreography.  Total 26.  So far they’re at the top of the leader board.

Chris and Cheryl are taking on the Paso.  I do believe he’ll dance this well.  I couldn’t type while they danced cuz I was totally committed, as was Chris.  It was very good, but I didn’t find it to be as exciting as I thought Cheryl would have made it.  It wasn’t explosive.  No climax, if you will.  Okay, Len pretty much just said the same thing.  I need to be a guest judge.  Total 23.  Deserving.

My pick, Kirstie, is last, but not least.  Dancing the Waltz.  Oh come ON, TWO singers on stage during her performance?  She’s losing weight btw!  HOLD UP, something happened to Kirstie’s shoe while she was on the floor and she got up late!  Then she messed up again and Maks rolled his eyes/laughed sarcastically.  WTF is going on with her?  AHA, I rewatched and saw her shoe came off!  Carrie Ann was right; she just never seemed connected to the number.  Len didn’t like much about it, but Bruno loves it.  Those singers didn’t help the situation.  If one dancer had those distractions, they all shoulda had em.  Total 22!

I think the bottom 3 should be Petra, Sugar Ray and Kendra with Ray going home, but I fear Kirstie might be in jeopardy after two weeks of mishaps.  Who do you think is going home?

Update:  The 3 couples in jeopardy were Petra, Sugar Ray and Chelsea.  Sugar Ray Leonard went home.  Told ya’ll LOL!

…Vine…in a minute

Pia Toscano’s Record Deal Shocker…NOT!

Moments after the West Coast feed of American Idol gave us the news that Pia Toscano had been eliminated, I told ya’ll what the real deal was.  Now we find out that Pia has, in fact, been signed to Interscope!  Interscope = Jimmy Iovine, in case you live under a rock.  They’ve rushed her into the studio to push out an album ASAP.

A source told Us Weekly “Starting [Thursday] night after the show, Interscope told her they wanted her and first thing [Friday] morning Interscope brass started calling every top songwriter and producer in town to get an album together and rush release it.”

Question.  Since when are Idol castoffs allowed to release an album prior to the release of the winner’s album?  That would be never.  Trust me when I tell you.  Pia’s album will be out first.

Coincidence?  Not a chance.  I knew this shit was fixed from the gate.  One day ya’ll will listen to me:)

…Vine…in a minute

Pia Toscano Eliminated from American Idol

Everyone is all sad about Pia Toscano’s elimination on Idol tonight.  I don’t know why.  This is all by design people.  Here’s what I think.  Jimmy Iovine ain’t “mentoring” and working in the studio with these nobodys for his health.  Please believe he struck a deal with Nigel Lythgoe for them to boot whatever contestant he wanted to sign and develop on his own looong before the finale.  They did it at this point for shock value.  That way, when Pia’s debut album is released, all those fools who felt she was gone too soon from Idol will run out and buy it.

She was devastated tonight, but she’ll be aight once she signs her first record deal.  By the way, I think the judges were in on the fix, as well.  I wondered weeks ago why the hell they saved Casey seeing as though he can’t even sing.  Now I know!  They needed to get rid of “the save” in order to throw Pia under the bus!  Yes, I sound crazy, but if you think that the music industry isn’t this manipulative and orchestrated, then you’re the crazy one.

Of course, all of this is alleged and ONLY my opinion.

Do you agree or disagree?

…Vine…in a minute

Real Housewives of NY: Season 4 Premiere (Recap)

The new season started off with Ramona, Alex and their husbands drinking Ramona Singer Pinot Grigio.  Yep, she’s hawkin wine now, in case you missed that development in the off-season.  Jill arrived stuffed into her dress like Wendy Williams’ feet stuffed into her dancing shoes.  She claimed to have grown and been humbled from last year.  Yeah right!  I love that Alex ain’t taking shit from Jill this year.  Alex invited all the girls to march in their wedding gowns for marriage equality.  Jill made a joke out of it with Ramona’s sidekick, Joni!  She seems just as rude as ever to me.

Jill said that a “real friend” sticks by their friend even through a tough time, which is why she’s still tight with Kelly’s crazy ass.  Bullshit.  Jill is still friends with her cuz she ain’t making the same mistake twice.  She won’t risk one of her RHONY co-stars becoming a megastar and she not be there to reap the benefits.  The two of them hung out trash talking Alex.  Of course she brought up Bethenny.  She said Bethenny threw her away, that she had no idea Bethenny was planning to have this major career and felt used.  She whined that once Bethenny got married, she had no more room for Jill.  Let’s forget about the fact that they had already fallen out looooong before Bethenny said I do!  But why let facts get in the way of Jill Zarin’s ego?  Ramona called it the way it ACTUALLY is.  “Bethenny didn’t dump Jill as a friend, she did it to herself.”  Of course she did, but Jill’s so damn self involved that she couldn’t see the error of her ways if you put them in a diamond.

Over to Simex, Simon left the hotel to start a social media company.  So he and Alex are both working at home, sharing an office.  Alex signed w/a modeling agency.  She’s only 36 years old.  I have to say, I am shocked as shit that she’s not over 40.  Her body is bangin’, but she looks much older than 36.  Kelly made a point of saying that being a model simply means that you are photogenic, not pretty.  She should know.  She ain’t neva been pretty EVA and she was a model!

Sassy Sonja and Ramona hit an art benefit.  Sonja looked good, besides that faulty eye makeup.  How do they have all this money and can’t get their face beat before filming?  Okay, so Cindy, the hostess, is the newest “housewife”.  She struck me as another Countess Lu, hanging out slamming shots Downtown, trying to regain her youth.  She seems to be a successful businesswoman who works with her brother.  She has a 10 month old baby, but no man.  She went through IVF and it looks like she has 2, but I couldn’t tell. WOW, this bitch Cindy just have her twins delivered to the art benefit like pizza!  Who does that?

Jill and Bobby Vegas arrived.  I still love him!  Lulu and Crazy Ass Kelly made an entrance.  Then Alex and Simon brought up the rear, no pun intended.  Cindy’s involvement in the organization that will benefit from the proceeds came from them (didn’t catch the name) helping her when her mother was diagnosed with brain cancer.  Lord have mercy!  God bless her heart for giving back to them!  Here goes Jill, all up in Cindy’s business.  She’s so damn nosey!

God bless Ramona’s assistant.  I’m sure she’s paid well, but ain’t enough money in the world to get me to deal with all that crazy on a daily basis.  She interviewed for a second assistant.  WHY did Bravo exploit that black girl with a bad, blond wig and bright ass red lipstick?  They knew good and well Ramona wasn’t going to hire her black ass, but back to the interviews.  It seemed hella rude that Ramona was critiquing all of the candidates, but in a twisted sort of way, I appreciate what she did.  Those young girls looked a hot ass mess and should be thankful Ramona took a minute to give them pointers.  Trust, others would have said BYE and they’d still be tryna figure out what went wrong.

Over to the cougars den, Lu and Sonja went on a double dinner date with their tadpoles at Orsay.  Brian is the name of Sonja’s piece.  These old, nasty, horny broads and their boy toys making sexual jokes about walking through bushes and gardens turned my stomach.  Honestly, I thought both women made fools out of themselves at that dinner table.  I don’t know if Sonja’s eyesight is leaving her, but that man is NOT hot and if every woman in New York wants him, I’m glad I live in Cali.

Out at Ramona’s Hamptons home, Simex were her and Mario’s guests.  They were all in town for a wedding so Ramona invited them to stay at their home.  Jill left a message for Alex that she wasn’t coming to the marriage equality march, but she’s on the committee LOL!  Alex put her on blast.  She stood there while Alex invited all the ladies to the march as if she’d never heard of the event LMAO!  Just when I thought she was as low as possible, she goes lower.

Now for the wedding.  Jill was all stressed because her spanx were visible.  Talk about dramatic.  I think Bobby tunes her out at this point.  She had no clue that Simex were invited.  She shit her pants, but put on a fake happy face.  Alex and Ramona missed the memo that only the bride is supposed to wear white to a wedding.  Again I ask, who does that?  Jill kept mentioning how much she’s changed…yep, for the worse!

After the wedding, Ramona was talking badly about Cindy’s brother, Howie, and he overheard LMAO!  Ooops.  I’m thinking those two ladies won’t be getting along any time soon.

Jill pulled a few sidekicks together in a corner of the reception to bitch about Alex and spin the story that she was only on the “Honorary” committee for the march.  There was a baby confrontation between Alex and Jill, but I forgot what it was about when Ramona’s tacky ass put her finger on the cake to taste the icing and knocked off a flower…made of icing.  These people have no fucking manners…says the woman with the potty mouth!

Judging by the previews for the season, there won’t be a dull moment.  What did you think of the premiere?  Worth the wait?

…Vine…in a minute

DWTS 12: Week 3 Recap

I apologize for being MIA last week.  I don’t remember where I was, but if I missed DWTS you know I was busy for real.

This week each “star” has to do a dance that tells a personal story about themselves.  First up, Wendy “How You Dancin” Williams.  Evidently Wendy used to sleep in her car and take ho baths at rest stops in between jobs while pursuing her radio dreams.  She might not can dance, but I give it up to her for following her heart.  Yep, I have a heart!  Here she and Tony go with the Fox Trot to Last Night a DJ Saved My Life LOL!  Len is going to HATE this, but I have to say, she is lookin way more comfy on the dance floor than the first 2 weeks combined.  I say improvement!  Told ya.  Len said it was a dance more suited for the radio.  Dayum!  Carrie Ann and Bruno pretty much felt the same way.  15 total.

Chelsea and Mark are up next.  She chose the song “Chelsea” which was written for her by her first love.  Cheese!  She couldn’t find a different life story than that?  Anyway, cha cha cha coming up…Uh oh, they done put a weave in her head.  Guess you can’t be flirty with short hair.  If she moved in the bed the way she just moved on the dance floor, that dude broke up with her.  That was sooo not sexy.  She did the steps, but she was stiff!  I knew the judges were going to like that bull.  They need to quit.  8s from Len and Bruno?  Stop it!

Chris Jericho and Cheryl dancing to Let It Be (I hate the Beatles).  Hi mom was in an accident and he wanted to give up wrestling to take care of her and she wouldn’t let him.  Sadly, she passed away in 2005, but he said she always loved dancing.  The song reminds him of his mother; he even played it at her funeral.  I bet this will be a very good, yet awkward, Rumba.  Wow!  That is why Cheryl is a pro.  That was the most tasteful Rumba I’ve ever seen on DWTS.  I’m sure that his mom would be so proud of him.  That was great.  Carrie Ann is choked up.  I actually surprised that Len is giving him a bit of shit about his arms.  I was sure they wouldn’t say one bad word about that performance cuz of the back story.  Bruno just said what I said, that it managed to not be a sexy dance, but more elegant.  They gave Chelsea 8s, let’s go.  Oh c’mon son, 21!  I’m really tryna watch my language, but that’s bullshit!

Kendra’s trashy ass and Louis are up next.  Hopefully she doesn’t have to try to act like a lady again.  She’s telling a story about her and Hank meeting and falling in love, but then people were wondering why he was marrying her after Hef, being a stripper and all the other shit that ya’ll know you wondered about Hank!  Um, since when does Hank play in the NFL?  A) who picked him up and B) ain’t nobody playing football boo, but I digress.  I think it’s a Rumba.  I predict a disaster cuz ain’t nothing sexy about her.  I’ll be constructive for a minute.  She needs to watch her facial expressions.  I could tell a couple times in the middle that she was messing up.  Hank is such a sucka.  I didn’t even pay attention to her score, but they seemed happy about it.

Romeo and Chelsie are up next.  I remember last week they loved his Quick Step.  Not I!  I’m not as impressed.  Anyway, he chose the song “I’ll Be There” cuz he lost his cousin in a car accident that he witnessed.  Then he lost a second cousin who was jumped and beat to death.  Again, another Rumba that should convey love and loss, not sex and passion.  I’m tryna be serious, but this ninja is wearing high heel shoes with tube socks and basketball shorts!  If they weren’t crazy about Chris’ Rumba, they ain’t gonna love this.  He hasn’t moved his hips ONE TIME!  It’s too hard and sharp.  If they don’t talk about that, I’ll know the fix is in!  Len pretty much liked it, but mentioned his heel leads.  Carrie Ann thought his movements were refined.  THANK YOU LEN!  He said this week he took a huge step back from last week.  Score – 20!

Hines and Kym are up dancing to “Fantasy” [EWF].  His mom used to love the song and worked hard to ensure he had a better life than she did.  So he wants to thank her.  Tonight he’s dancing a Samba.  What I wanna know is what’s the reason that he can’t get a closer shave on his head than that?  Just askin.  He started off on the wrong beat, but he’s sitting in it now.  They messed up a couple times, but I actually enjoyed watching him dance this week.  Lots of fun.  Solid.  Give it up judges…well, I know Carrie Ann will love him cuz he’s half black.  Len said he’s proud of him. Bruno said it was uplifting, as well.  Yes, really good, BUT was that his brother in the audience next to Mama Ward?  Damn he was fine.  Aight, for the score – 25!  Well deserved!

Petra and Dmitry are Waltzing.  I missed her story, but she’s so boring that I don’t want to rewind.  Uh oh, Carrie Ann aka The Lift Police had to have seen that damn lift!  She is just awkward out there.  Her shoulders sit up too high, her arms don’t fully extend.  Please stop voting for her.  Here goes Len with that bullshit saying Petra is the one to beat after that Waltz.  Lies!  All lies!  C’mon Carrie Ann, keep it real.   Nope, all three of them were with the bullshit!

Sugar Ray Leonard and Anna are up next.  Bless his heart.  His personal story is about beating the odds.  Professionally he said he was doubted and he overcame the critics and became a winner.  He vows to do the same on DWTS.  Uh, okay.  So Paso it is.  OMG, he’s dancing to My Prerogative!  I can’t!  He’s got the boxing announcer introducing him, but even that ain’t gonna help.  Lord help, this is whack!!  This is horrible!  If the judges say anything other than that, I might quit this damn show.  I mean, AWFUL!  Okay, Bruno is talking about how he can see Ray’s penis bulge.  This is the twilight zone.  Carrie Ann loved it, too!  Len said he did well!  LIES I TELL YOU!  He’s a legend in the ring, but on the dance floor he sucks!  20 total.  Len said it was great, but gave him a 6!  Mmm hmmm!

YES, now the show starts for me.  Kirstie and Maksim are up next!  They’re doing a Rumba.  She chose “Over the Rainbow”.  She moved to L.A. in 1980 and gave herself one year to become an actress.  She then got a call that her parents were hit by a drunk driver, her mom died and her dad was dying.  Within 3 days, she got a role on Star Trek.  Damn he’s hot.  OMG SHE JUST FELL ON HIM!  He tried to get back into it but was obviously hurt.  Oh dear lawd, I can’t watch.  Okay, I’m watching and my girl recovered very nicely!  Damnit that would have been a great performance!  Carrie Ann loved it and so did Len, in spite of the flubb.  Bruno made it 3 for 3.  Maks claimed his thigh gave out and that he was responsible.  I didn’t believe it until they just replayed it.  It really wasn’t her fault.  She was able to pull out a 21!

Ralph and Karina will Rumba next.  I’m not thinking this is going to be too good, but let’s see.  He chose a song from The Outsiders, the movie that launched his career.  He said some stuff about his wife, but I tuned him out.  Again, no hip action.  24 years his wife has been married to him and he has no hip action.  Po thang.  This is bad.  Kirstie fell in the beginning of her dance and it was still more entertaining to watch than that.  Let’s see his scores.  Tell it, Len!  No hips.  Bruno told him that his arm and hand movements are too harsh.  Carrie Ann thought it was a “sweet Rumba”.  Yeah, cuz that’s what everyone wants in a Rumba.  21!

Who did you love tonight.  For me, Hines and Kirstie stole the night!

…Vine…in a minute