DWTS 12: Week 3 Recap

I apologize for being MIA last week.  I don’t remember where I was, but if I missed DWTS you know I was busy for real.

This week each “star” has to do a dance that tells a personal story about themselves.  First up, Wendy “How You Dancin” Williams.  Evidently Wendy used to sleep in her car and take ho baths at rest stops in between jobs while pursuing her radio dreams.  She might not can dance, but I give it up to her for following her heart.  Yep, I have a heart!  Here she and Tony go with the Fox Trot to Last Night a DJ Saved My Life LOL!  Len is going to HATE this, but I have to say, she is lookin way more comfy on the dance floor than the first 2 weeks combined.  I say improvement!  Told ya.  Len said it was a dance more suited for the radio.  Dayum!  Carrie Ann and Bruno pretty much felt the same way.  15 total.

Chelsea and Mark are up next.  She chose the song “Chelsea” which was written for her by her first love.  Cheese!  She couldn’t find a different life story than that?  Anyway, cha cha cha coming up…Uh oh, they done put a weave in her head.  Guess you can’t be flirty with short hair.  If she moved in the bed the way she just moved on the dance floor, that dude broke up with her.  That was sooo not sexy.  She did the steps, but she was stiff!  I knew the judges were going to like that bull.  They need to quit.  8s from Len and Bruno?  Stop it!

Chris Jericho and Cheryl dancing to Let It Be (I hate the Beatles).  Hi mom was in an accident and he wanted to give up wrestling to take care of her and she wouldn’t let him.  Sadly, she passed away in 2005, but he said she always loved dancing.  The song reminds him of his mother; he even played it at her funeral.  I bet this will be a very good, yet awkward, Rumba.  Wow!  That is why Cheryl is a pro.  That was the most tasteful Rumba I’ve ever seen on DWTS.  I’m sure that his mom would be so proud of him.  That was great.  Carrie Ann is choked up.  I actually surprised that Len is giving him a bit of shit about his arms.  I was sure they wouldn’t say one bad word about that performance cuz of the back story.  Bruno just said what I said, that it managed to not be a sexy dance, but more elegant.  They gave Chelsea 8s, let’s go.  Oh c’mon son, 21!  I’m really tryna watch my language, but that’s bullshit!

Kendra’s trashy ass and Louis are up next.  Hopefully she doesn’t have to try to act like a lady again.  She’s telling a story about her and Hank meeting and falling in love, but then people were wondering why he was marrying her after Hef, being a stripper and all the other shit that ya’ll know you wondered about Hank!  Um, since when does Hank play in the NFL?  A) who picked him up and B) ain’t nobody playing football boo, but I digress.  I think it’s a Rumba.  I predict a disaster cuz ain’t nothing sexy about her.  I’ll be constructive for a minute.  She needs to watch her facial expressions.  I could tell a couple times in the middle that she was messing up.  Hank is such a sucka.  I didn’t even pay attention to her score, but they seemed happy about it.

Romeo and Chelsie are up next.  I remember last week they loved his Quick Step.  Not I!  I’m not as impressed.  Anyway, he chose the song “I’ll Be There” cuz he lost his cousin in a car accident that he witnessed.  Then he lost a second cousin who was jumped and beat to death.  Again, another Rumba that should convey love and loss, not sex and passion.  I’m tryna be serious, but this ninja is wearing high heel shoes with tube socks and basketball shorts!  If they weren’t crazy about Chris’ Rumba, they ain’t gonna love this.  He hasn’t moved his hips ONE TIME!  It’s too hard and sharp.  If they don’t talk about that, I’ll know the fix is in!  Len pretty much liked it, but mentioned his heel leads.  Carrie Ann thought his movements were refined.  THANK YOU LEN!  He said this week he took a huge step back from last week.  Score – 20!

Hines and Kym are up dancing to “Fantasy” [EWF].  His mom used to love the song and worked hard to ensure he had a better life than she did.  So he wants to thank her.  Tonight he’s dancing a Samba.  What I wanna know is what’s the reason that he can’t get a closer shave on his head than that?  Just askin.  He started off on the wrong beat, but he’s sitting in it now.  They messed up a couple times, but I actually enjoyed watching him dance this week.  Lots of fun.  Solid.  Give it up judges…well, I know Carrie Ann will love him cuz he’s half black.  Len said he’s proud of him. Bruno said it was uplifting, as well.  Yes, really good, BUT was that his brother in the audience next to Mama Ward?  Damn he was fine.  Aight, for the score – 25!  Well deserved!

Petra and Dmitry are Waltzing.  I missed her story, but she’s so boring that I don’t want to rewind.  Uh oh, Carrie Ann aka The Lift Police had to have seen that damn lift!  She is just awkward out there.  Her shoulders sit up too high, her arms don’t fully extend.  Please stop voting for her.  Here goes Len with that bullshit saying Petra is the one to beat after that Waltz.  Lies!  All lies!  C’mon Carrie Ann, keep it real.   Nope, all three of them were with the bullshit!

Sugar Ray Leonard and Anna are up next.  Bless his heart.  His personal story is about beating the odds.  Professionally he said he was doubted and he overcame the critics and became a winner.  He vows to do the same on DWTS.  Uh, okay.  So Paso it is.  OMG, he’s dancing to My Prerogative!  I can’t!  He’s got the boxing announcer introducing him, but even that ain’t gonna help.  Lord help, this is whack!!  This is horrible!  If the judges say anything other than that, I might quit this damn show.  I mean, AWFUL!  Okay, Bruno is talking about how he can see Ray’s penis bulge.  This is the twilight zone.  Carrie Ann loved it, too!  Len said he did well!  LIES I TELL YOU!  He’s a legend in the ring, but on the dance floor he sucks!  20 total.  Len said it was great, but gave him a 6!  Mmm hmmm!

YES, now the show starts for me.  Kirstie and Maksim are up next!  They’re doing a Rumba.  She chose “Over the Rainbow”.  She moved to L.A. in 1980 and gave herself one year to become an actress.  She then got a call that her parents were hit by a drunk driver, her mom died and her dad was dying.  Within 3 days, she got a role on Star Trek.  Damn he’s hot.  OMG SHE JUST FELL ON HIM!  He tried to get back into it but was obviously hurt.  Oh dear lawd, I can’t watch.  Okay, I’m watching and my girl recovered very nicely!  Damnit that would have been a great performance!  Carrie Ann loved it and so did Len, in spite of the flubb.  Bruno made it 3 for 3.  Maks claimed his thigh gave out and that he was responsible.  I didn’t believe it until they just replayed it.  It really wasn’t her fault.  She was able to pull out a 21!

Ralph and Karina will Rumba next.  I’m not thinking this is going to be too good, but let’s see.  He chose a song from The Outsiders, the movie that launched his career.  He said some stuff about his wife, but I tuned him out.  Again, no hip action.  24 years his wife has been married to him and he has no hip action.  Po thang.  This is bad.  Kirstie fell in the beginning of her dance and it was still more entertaining to watch than that.  Let’s see his scores.  Tell it, Len!  No hips.  Bruno told him that his arm and hand movements are too harsh.  Carrie Ann thought it was a “sweet Rumba”.  Yeah, cuz that’s what everyone wants in a Rumba.  21!

Who did you love tonight.  For me, Hines and Kirstie stole the night!

…Vine…in a minute