Countess Lu…Counted Out!

Poor Countess Lu might not be able to force people to call her “Countess” for much longer.  Evidently, the Count dumped Lu via email.  He’s now allegedly shacked up in Geneva with his new broad…an Ethiopian woman!  Ya’ll know Countess Lu is pissed!  Hopefully her book about manners and etiquette from a Countess’ point of view comes out before the ink drives on her divorce papers!  Just sayin…

That would explain why she was making out in a NY hotel with an unidentified younger man recently.  Bitch had to get back on the stroll prowl!

Seriously, that’s some cold ass shit.  All we have to say is..we hope the cameras catch the fall out for their next season!

…H&V…in a minute

www.twitter.com/hollywoodNvine

Real Housewives of NY: 3/17/09

Yes, I realize I’m a week late.  Some people (Jizzle) made sure to remind me.  Like I say, better late than never.

Ramona, pull yourself together!  Yeah, we know Countess Lu LOOKS half her husbands age (which ain’t hard to do), but do we need to say it aloud?  Moving on…

Ramona and her gut invited Bethenny to spend the weekend at her Hamptons home.  Did ya’ll notice that these two bitches are walking their dogs with no doggy doo bags with them?  Just askin’…Never mind, Ramona had a doggie doo bag.  Maybe she had it hidden in her bikini top since she didn’t have tits in there!

Over to Simex!  Simon, his tight white linen pants and his bad ass kids returned to the train wreck better known as his house!  How do they even have the nerve to talk about being photographed for the style section while living in that shit hole?  Give me a fucking break!  It’s like a death trap for young kids.  Maybe you two dumbasses shoulda dealt with your home before flying off to St. Barts for your off season vacation.  Priorities anyone?

Finally Jill Zarin is back!  Bitch looks damn good.  A summer in the Hamptons did her ass good.  All she needs is a butt and she’d be set.  Her gay husband  has turned her home upside down

Aha.  Simon allegedly owns the Hotel Chandler.  So who’s lying?  Bravo said that Simon is a boutique hotel manager.  Now Alex says that he owns the hotel.  Hmmm. 

Kelly is ranting about how independent she is cuz she’s a midwestern broad.  She said that New York is a city of co-dependent MoFos.  If it’s so bad, then go back.  I’m sure Russell Simmons throws a lot of plush parties for you to attend in Idaho bitch!

Did Kelly really need to have an “executive chef” come to her condo to cook fuckin’ lettuce wraps with chicken?  These people are bullshit.  I think she paid him with pussy.  Sorry, but I do.  She knows good and hell well that older daughter does not eat healthy shit.  Yeah, I talked about the kid!!

Ramona is delusional.  She thinks that she and Avery have a very special relationship.  Avery canNOT stand her ass!  And why are you allowing your barely teenaged daughter to try on some 4 inch stilettos?  When she ends up with her crotch being blurred out in pictures like Paris and Britney, don’t say shit!

Bethenny and Countess Lu went out for a bite to eat and honey, Bethenny is killin’ every bitch in Manhattan with that fuckin’ body!  Damn!  I’m strictly dickly, but bitch’s body is off the hook!  Countess Lu is giving her advice on how to snag a muthafucka with one foot in the grave.  Kidding!  Countess Lu is boring me.  She needs to end this segment so that I can refill my wine glass.

So Bethenny is on a date with another chef named Todd.  He’s kinda cute in his own short, tummy and man boob having, not really cute way.  I realize I don’t know her, but I love seeing a man tryin’ to take care of her.  Lord knows that pasty, dry ass Jason wasn’t worth a shit! 

Over at the healthy sun expo?? Bethenny and Alex are there workin’ a booth with Bethenny’s healthy cupcakes, etc.  I will say this.  I like the friendship between the two of them.  Bethenny has the ability to see the best in everyone and many people can’t do that shit. 

Alex is admitting that she and Simon met online lookin’ for a one night stand.  Call me crazy, but I think Simon thought Alex was a man!  Just sayin…

Jill Zarin is over at the Van Kempen’s cuz they’re Zarin’s newest clients.  WHY aren’t these muthafuckas not embarrassed to have people (and the world) see how they’re living?  I don’t give a damn that they’re renovating.  This is bullshit!  You do not spend the summer in the Hamptons and in St. Barts, off season or not, and don’t spend the extra money to move out for a few weeks while your home is under renovation.  For the love of Peter, Paul and Mary, get a suite at the fuckin’ hotel that Simon’s tight pants wearin’ ass owns!  Not hard. 

Now, I done rushed to get this shit up before tonight’s episode airs.  Ya’ll (Jizzle) better comment on this post!

…Vine…in a minute…

Real Housewives of NY: Episode 4

Jill Zarin and her “gay husband” are starting off the show tryna give her apartment a face lift.  They sounded like two women having a cat fight while searchin’ through the store for fabric.  That must be how Tom and Katie sound while they’re shopping.  Just sayin’…

Really wish Bravo would save Simex for about 15 minutes into the show so a bitch can get warmed up!  Naw, they damn near put these freaks on right away.  They are so fucking pretentious!  That architect don’t give two shits about your sons with the fucked up names reading Shakespeare.  Get over yourselves. 

Bethenny was asked to pose in Social Life Magazine.  The EIC’s name is Devorah!  Give me a fucking break.  Bitch knows her name was Deborah until she got enough money to ball in Manhattan.  Then she changed it!  Bethenny looks good.  Glad she’s gettin’ her shine on.

Ramona and Mario are at their home in the Hamptons.  Her schizo ass walkin’ round in that bikini lookin’ like she’s with child is disgusting.  For real, she needs to cover that shit up! 

Um, wait a minute, did Simex just go into their backyard to lounge in a blow up kiddie pool?  Let’s get this straight.  These crazy, Siamese twins muthafuckas buy $10,000 gowns to wear to the Met, but won’t get a fucking pool put in their backyard?  Ain’t that like drivin’ a Porsche and living in an apartment (outside of Manhattan)? 

Countess Lu took Bethenny out to lunch to brag about herself.  What else is new.

Ass kickin’ Kelly the Bore invited Ramona and her gut to some museum.  Wonder if Ramona is still kickin’ it with ole Kell now that she has a record.  Oooh Lawd, did ya’ll see that close up of Kell’s face?  No wonder she wasn’t a “super”model. 

DeBorah from Social Life Magazine decided to put our girl on the cover! 

Ramona and her husband together…how did that shit happen?  Mario looks like an extra on the Sopranos with that shirt unbuttoned and that chest hair peekin’ out the top. 

Why the fuck would Countess Lu ask Bethenny if they’d be retouching her pics?  Bethenny?  Bethenny with the six pack and the rock hard body?  You’re asking her some bullshit like that?  Hater!

Now Countess Lu is tryna act like she didn’t run around dating every rich dude she could until she hooked the Count’s old, geriatric ass!  Ramona ACTUALLY gave Bethenny good advice that she should go out and date men or hang with men who are just platonic friends!  But Countess Luthinks she knows everything.  What’s hilarious is that she had the nerve to say Ramona has no manners when her ass was rude, too, askin’ Bethenny if they were going to retouch her fucking photos!  What is wrong with this woman?  Sorry, but I gotta side with Ramona on this one.  They’re supposedly homies.  So why can’t she talk about her husband looking old as dirt mature?  Hollywood and Imake remarks to each other all the time about each others boyfriends and shit!  Who cares that much.  Lu was pissed cuz she knows why she married Father Time!

Lu asked for a damn apology, but after she got it, the bitch kept fucking complaining!  Someone please stick a heart rate monitor in her mouth!

Back to the freak show, Simex and kids are packing for St. Barts…in the off season!  Simon made sure to pack his pink jeans for the trip – Alex suggested he bring his pink shoes, too!  He is such a homometrosexual!

How can Lu even fix her damn mouth to say that Bethenny jumped on her!  Bethenny handled the shit like an adult.  On top of that, Lu wouldn’t let the Ramona shit go even after big mouth ass Ramona apologized to her and her kid.  She ain’t capable of pointin’ that finger at herself, is she? 

Finally, the Social Life Magazine party.  Bethenny looked so pretty on the cover!  Thankfully Jill Zarin was there to be a supportive friend!  Why does Ramona always look like she’s tryin’ to avoid gunshots when she dances?  Just sayin’…

Countess Lu said a “proper” toast to Bethenny, did a few air kisses and bounced!  I must say, Countess Lu wears envy very well!  It fits her.

– Vine

In a minute…

Real Housewives of NYC: Episode 3

Yeah, yeah, the show was on 2 days ago.  Just sittin down so we can watch now.  Here we go…

The bitches are at the beach!  Everyone but Simex and Kelly, thankfully!  Only Jill Zarin would wear tons of jewelry to sit and watch Bethenny and Countess Lu take surf lessons.  Love that bitch! 

Ramona told Jill she keeps in shape by doing lunges, but was doing a fucking squat.  This broad is nuts!  What we don’t get about Ramona is that she does squats and shit to keep her ass and legs tight, but her mid section is about to be outta control?

Countess Lu’s slave, we mean housekeeper, Rosie, is back from the Filipines.  She looked great and lost weight, probably cuz she didn’t have Countess Lu money to eat good and shit.  How is Lu gonna tell Rosie that they’ll take it easy her first day back, then threw her into the fire known as the laundry room and shit?  Then she had the nerve to be rude as shit when Rosie gave her that bracelet calling it “fun”.  Translation – look at this cheap ass costume jewelry the maid brought me.

Did Ramona really sit there and challenge Countess Lu about her choice to send her kid to boarding school?  This is a nervy ass bitch!  We’re all for Ramona being honest and speakin her mind.  Obviously!  But she just beat that fuckin dead horse until Jill Zarin changed the subject.  Ramona is just tacky as shit.  She is living proof that money doesn’t buy class!  Everytime she opens her mouth!

Now Countess Lu knew good and hell well Jill Zarin wasn’t gonna hang with all that damn fitness.  She invited her on purpose to make herself feel better.  Gotta love Jill cussin and wearin a t-shirt with her company name on it. 

Over to the Hamptons dump that Simon and his beard, Alex, are renting!  Why must they always brag?  This fool was even braggin about all the fucking spa treatments he’s had!  They’re ridiculous.  Um, did anyone else think that Simon was about to orgasm while moaning “I’m feeling the heeeat!  I’m feeling the heeeeat!”  We’re with Ramona on this one – he makes our skin crawl, too!

On to the Hampton Classic and Kelly’s boring ass!  We can’t put our finger on it, but she is just way to full of herself.  Guess her horse felt the same way cuz he through her ass off during her ride!

Countess Lu had a going away lunch for Victoria and her homegirls while at the Hamptons Classic.  She is a cold piece of work teachin manners and etiquette, but getting up at a benefit and telling muthafuckas to shut up!  We think she just likes to hear herself talk.

Jill’s gay husband looked like one of the Village People gettin ready for the Tea Dance where they don’t serve any damn tea!  Bethenny is funny as hell and was the only person there with rhythm!  The best part about the party was when she was dancin with the gay guy outside the tent and bent over in front of him.  We ain’t seen a man move away from a woman that fast since Jack Twist in Brokeback Mountain!  He was lookin like honey, unless you have a dick the world don’t know about, you need to stand up!  For real, she and Jill need their own show.   

Back at the Classic, Ramona was there lookin like Julia Roberts on the Blvd. in Pretty Woman.  Why was she jockin Kelly like that?  Kelly ain’t want no parts of Ramona, probably cuz she looked like a hooker!  They should be friends cuz they’re both rude as shit.  They deserve each other.  Here goes Ramona talkin about bad manners!  These bitches are living in another world.

Love them at Russell Simmons’ Art for Life event.  Why the fuck didn’t anyone follow the purple theme besides Jill and Bobby Vegas?  What happened after that with Ramona and Governor Patterson is too embarrassing for even us to discuss.  She’s a fucking idiot!

Everyone was back at the Classic to see Victoria ride.  Ramona didn’t come, of course, cuz she can’t deal with someone else’s kid having talent!

They really need to bring it better this season.  We need coffee and sugar just to get through these damn episodes.  Thank God for Bethenny and Jill, otherwise we’d be fast asleep!  Millionaire Matchmaker is more exciting!

Random thoughts:

– Ramona, close your mouth when your eatin boo.  That shit was gross.

– Love that Countess Lu came unglued, yellin at the Count and shit!

– We really want Jill’s daughter to get her weight in check.  She’s too cute for all that!

Don’t forget to follow H&V on Twitter (hollywoodNvine).

In a minute…

Real Housewives of NYC: Episode 2

We are barely in the mood for Countess Lu to throw a fuckin birthday for her 1 year old dog at a doggy park, but aight.  Hold up, Countess Lu has a tramp stamp!  Wow! 

We love, love, love Bethenny!  Bitch is funny. 

Over to the Social Climbing Van Kempen’s.   Simex is shopping together cuz, of course, they don’t take a piss without the other in the room.  Freaks! 

We love the friendship between Jill and Bethenny!  Jill is a real great friend to tell Bethenny to save her money and stay at her Hampton’s home for the summer!  Stand up bitch.  And how can you not like someone whose husband is called Bobby Vegas!

Jill’sparents showed up at her Hamptons home.  They’re fabulous and funny, just like Jill.  Shocking! 

Ramona invited Bethenny to lunch at 75 Mainin the Hamptons; Ramona owns it…how convenient.  She wants to hook Bethenny up with Mr. Right.  Um, H&V wouldn’t let Ramona suggest a toothpaste to us, let alone a man!

Anyway, Ramona wrote a couple articles for Cosmopolitan in the early 90’s.  Secrets to man handling according to Ramona.  This should be some bullshit, we mean good.  Here they go:

1.  Don’t wait for Kevin Costner.  Overly discriminating women wind up spending Saturday night alone with a container of HagenDazs.  H&V pass that test – Hollywood is waitin on Creepa from G’s to Gents and Vine wouldn’t wait on anyone with enough nerve to give an engagement ring that looked like a cracker jack box prize like Costner gave to his young, gold digging wife!  Just sayin…

2.  Be a consummate flirt!  Fail!  We don’t have enough time for shit like flirtin constantly.

3. Take his number and say you’ll call him.  What kind of bullshit rule is this?  Men should call women, not the other way around.  No wonder Ramona runs her pussy ass husband.

4. Say NO to last minute plans.  At least she got one right.  Any muthafucka callin you at the last minute used to have plans with a bitch he really like FIRST!  Shit, H&V would rather be at home with each other watching bullshit on tv than out with a nigga who called us at the last minute to kick it.  And did Bethenny just say “Homie don’t play dat!”  How could Jason let this broad go?  Bitch is funny!

5. Work on your body.  Ramona said “bod”, but H&V don’t say shit like that!  We do agree though.  No man wants to court a fat, sloppy bitch. 

6. Don’t do it right away, even though you’re lusting for him!  You fast bitches out there best to listen to this one.  This is like 101 shit.  Next…

7. Tell him “You can’t sleep over because…” – We don’t feel Ramona on this one.  We don’t want a dude all up in our shit in the morning.  Be out!  Go to his shit, see what he’s about and then leave! 

8. Never talk about other men.  Well, H&V are out on this one, period.  Sometimes they need to know about the other caliber muthafuckas that have been on your team.

9. Be observant when you visit his mother.  Um, who wants to visit a dude’s mama?

10. Don’t cohabitate!  Hollywood disagrees – not Vine!  We’ll just leave it at that.

Meanwhile, Simex are at the beach talkin shit about how the beaches in NY are not as good as the beaches in St. Barts!  Shut the fuck up already.  If it sucks that badly, then fuckin go there.  Oh yeah, it’s probably not off season you cheap bastards!  And for the love of Pete, Simon stop wearing damn Speedos.  Nobody wants to see all that shit!

Now to the new broad, Kelly.  Like we said, the verdict is still out on her.  Let’s see if we form an opinion tonight.  Here she go, already complainin about how hard it is to do her job at parties like Hugo Boss cuz people are always takin her picture when she really needs to see what’s going on.  Give us a fuckin break bitch!  So far, she ain’t addin much if you ask us.

Gloria, Jill’s mom, and Bethenny have a heart to heart over breakfast.  Old girl had some good advice.  We think it was good for Bethenny to spend the summer at Jill’s in the Hamptons.  We like saying Jill Zarin!  We see how she became so genuine.  She gets it from her mama!

Countess Luis stressed cuz Rosie, the Filipino woman who really raises her children and takes care of her home, is off for a month while visiting her family.  Boo hoo.  Single mothers and middle class muthafuckas do this shit daily Countess Lu.  Get over yourself, especially when you’re ordering a damn pizza.  What the fuck is wrong with her ass?

Anyway, Countess Lu and her husband are being honored for no reason at some Hampton’s event.  She was even braggin to Kelsey Grammar about how she married a Count.  Does she think he cares? 

Bethenny, Jill Zarin and Bobby Vegas went to the event to support Countess Lu.  Oh dear God, Countess Lu got up and told everyone to shut the fuck up, basically.  Then our girl Bethenny said “That was not very Countess like.  That was DISCOUNTess!”  Fucking hilarious.  We don’t necessarily dislike disCountess Lu, but she needs to bring her nose down a bit.  Ya’ll ain’t in France.  You’re in the US.  Does that Countess Lu shit translate?  Better question…does anyone give a damn besides you and Father Time deLesseps?  Doubt it.

Next week looks as slow as this week, but that’s aight.  After that bullshit OC Housewives Reunion, we need a break.

Thoughts? 

In a minute…

Real Housewives of NY: Season 2 Premiere

Before this shit even starts, Ramona best to not work our fucking nerves this season like she did in Season 1!!

Aww shit!  They came out the gate with drama.  Evidently, Simon said some negative shit about Jill to New York Magazine– talkin about she’s from Long Island….and it shows!  Well, Jill being the hot-headed New Yorker that we love, talked to Cindy Adams about it and busted Simon and Alex asses out.  We cannot stand Simon and Alex.  They are fucking freaks!  Ramona has the nerve to be judgmental saying she’d never talk shit to a newspaper!  Bullshit!  She knows damn well that she talks shit while the cameras are rolling.  What the fuck is the difference between people watching the trash talk on TV vs. reading it in the Post? 

Wannabe NY socialites Simex are self-proclaimed Hamptons haters, yet these two assholes and their bad ass kids rented a home there for the summer!  They are so pathetic and desperate, for real.  The outside of the home is a total fucking dump!  The inside is, um, full of character!  It’s cool, but the outside could use some damn work.  What we wanna know is how the fuck does the General Manager of a boutique hotel make that much damn money?

They go from that dump to LuAnn’s home in the Hamptons.  Talk about night and day.  Anyway, Jill fills LuAnn in on the Simex drama.  Of course Countess Lu puts her proper spin on how Jill should behave in the future.  Hollywood loves LuAnn; Vine can’t wait for her to have an etiquette breakdown!

Jill and Bethenny hit a Hamptons party that is “so pedestrian” according to Jill’s gay husband.  They see wannabes Simex.  Jill is the bigger bitch so she approaches them.  Everything was squashed. 

Meanwhile, Ramona and her husband go out for dinner and discuss how they think Simon is either gay or bi-sexual!  Wouldn’t that be some shit?  Gotta love how the New York bitches go hard! 

New housewife Kelly is just a renaissance bitch ain’t she?  Mother, equestrian, author, model, socialite, party girl…The verdict is still out on her, but so far we ain’t in love with her.

Bethenny in that bikini!  Work bitch, WORK!

Moving on to Jill’s barnyard fundraiser.  Countess Lu was supposed to drop off her rug rats to help stuff gift bags, but she never showed or called.  How is she writing a book on manners and etiquette, but does some foul shit like that to a friend?  Jill is better than us cuz we sho nuff woulda called her ass on it!  Why do they tip toe around Countess Lu?

Ramona’s crazy ass is there.  New girl in school Kelly made her entrance wearing a mu mu lookin like she was about to hit a luau on the big island.  Countess Lu introduced her to the housewives she didn’t know.  Ramona talked this bitch’s ear off about fuckin kids!  I mean, we get it, ya’ll have kids, but damn!  Surely with how fabulous you muthafuckas are supposed to be, you could find some other shit to discuss besides kids and damn shoes!

Simex made their entrance.  Those two just make our skin crawl.  Why?  Cuz they’re the type of assholes who will do any and everything to get to a certain rung on the ladder, preferably the top rung!  Those types are disgusting to H&V.  Shit, just be you and let the chips fall where they may dumb asses.

Pretty boring toward the end.  Looks like it’s gonna be a great season. 

In a minute…