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Posts tagged ‘Simon van Kempen’

Real Housewives of NY: Season 4 Premiere (Recap)

The new season started off with Ramona, Alex and their husbands drinking Ramona Singer Pinot Grigio.  Yep, she’s hawkin wine now, in case you missed that development in the off-season.  Jill arrived stuffed into her dress like Wendy Williams’ feet stuffed into her dancing shoes.  She claimed to have grown and been humbled from last year.  Yeah right!  I love that Alex ain’t taking shit from Jill this year.  Alex invited all the girls to march in their wedding gowns for marriage equality.  Jill made a joke out of it with Ramona’s sidekick, Joni!  She seems just as rude as ever to me.

Jill said that a “real friend” sticks by their friend even through a tough time, which is why she’s still tight with Kelly’s crazy ass.  Bullshit.  Jill is still friends with her cuz she ain’t making the same mistake twice.  She won’t risk one of her RHONY co-stars becoming a megastar and she not be there to reap the benefits.  The two of them hung out trash talking Alex.  Of course she brought up Bethenny.  She said Bethenny threw her away, that she had no idea Bethenny was planning to have this major career and felt used.  She whined that once Bethenny got married, she had no more room for Jill.  Let’s forget about the fact that they had already fallen out looooong before Bethenny said I do!  But why let facts get in the way of Jill Zarin’s ego?  Ramona called it the way it ACTUALLY is.  “Bethenny didn’t dump Jill as a friend, she did it to herself.”  Of course she did, but Jill’s so damn self involved that she couldn’t see the error of her ways if you put them in a diamond.

Over to Simex, Simon left the hotel to start a social media company.  So he and Alex are both working at home, sharing an office.  Alex signed w/a modeling agency.  She’s only 36 years old.  I have to say, I am shocked as shit that she’s not over 40.  Her body is bangin’, but she looks much older than 36.  Kelly made a point of saying that being a model simply means that you are photogenic, not pretty.  She should know.  She ain’t neva been pretty EVA and she was a model!

Sassy Sonja and Ramona hit an art benefit.  Sonja looked good, besides that faulty eye makeup.  How do they have all this money and can’t get their face beat before filming?  Okay, so Cindy, the hostess, is the newest “housewife”.  She struck me as another Countess Lu, hanging out slamming shots Downtown, trying to regain her youth.  She seems to be a successful businesswoman who works with her brother.  She has a 10 month old baby, but no man.  She went through IVF and it looks like she has 2, but I couldn’t tell. WOW, this bitch Cindy just have her twins delivered to the art benefit like pizza!  Who does that?

Jill and Bobby Vegas arrived.  I still love him!  Lulu and Crazy Ass Kelly made an entrance.  Then Alex and Simon brought up the rear, no pun intended.  Cindy’s involvement in the organization that will benefit from the proceeds came from them (didn’t catch the name) helping her when her mother was diagnosed with brain cancer.  Lord have mercy!  God bless her heart for giving back to them!  Here goes Jill, all up in Cindy’s business.  She’s so damn nosey!

God bless Ramona’s assistant.  I’m sure she’s paid well, but ain’t enough money in the world to get me to deal with all that crazy on a daily basis.  She interviewed for a second assistant.  WHY did Bravo exploit that black girl with a bad, blond wig and bright ass red lipstick?  They knew good and well Ramona wasn’t going to hire her black ass, but back to the interviews.  It seemed hella rude that Ramona was critiquing all of the candidates, but in a twisted sort of way, I appreciate what she did.  Those young girls looked a hot ass mess and should be thankful Ramona took a minute to give them pointers.  Trust, others would have said BYE and they’d still be tryna figure out what went wrong.

Over to the cougars den, Lu and Sonja went on a double dinner date with their tadpoles at Orsay.  Brian is the name of Sonja’s piece.  These old, nasty, horny broads and their boy toys making sexual jokes about walking through bushes and gardens turned my stomach.  Honestly, I thought both women made fools out of themselves at that dinner table.  I don’t know if Sonja’s eyesight is leaving her, but that man is NOT hot and if every woman in New York wants him, I’m glad I live in Cali.

Out at Ramona’s Hamptons home, Simex were her and Mario’s guests.  They were all in town for a wedding so Ramona invited them to stay at their home.  Jill left a message for Alex that she wasn’t coming to the marriage equality march, but she’s on the committee LOL!  Alex put her on blast.  She stood there while Alex invited all the ladies to the march as if she’d never heard of the event LMAO!  Just when I thought she was as low as possible, she goes lower.

Now for the wedding.  Jill was all stressed because her spanx were visible.  Talk about dramatic.  I think Bobby tunes her out at this point.  She had no clue that Simex were invited.  She shit her pants, but put on a fake happy face.  Alex and Ramona missed the memo that only the bride is supposed to wear white to a wedding.  Again I ask, who does that?  Jill kept mentioning how much she’s changed…yep, for the worse!

After the wedding, Ramona was talking badly about Cindy’s brother, Howie, and he overheard LMAO!  Ooops.  I’m thinking those two ladies won’t be getting along any time soon.

Jill pulled a few sidekicks together in a corner of the reception to bitch about Alex and spin the story that she was only on the “Honorary” committee for the march.  There was a baby confrontation between Alex and Jill, but I forgot what it was about when Ramona’s tacky ass put her finger on the cake to taste the icing and knocked off a flower…made of icing.  These people have no fucking manners…says the woman with the potty mouth!

Judging by the previews for the season, there won’t be a dull moment.  What did you think of the premiere?  Worth the wait?

…Vine…in a minute

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Real Housewives of NY: Season 2 Finale Recap

All good things must come to an end!  This season is no different.  Enjoy the episode and recap now, cuz in an hour (for me) there will be no more Jill Zarin, Bobby Vegas, Bethenny, Roller Girl OR Kelly and her non hip havin’ ass to talk about each week till next season!

Just watchin’ the recap of how Kell talked to Bethenny riled me up for tonight.  She better be on her best behavior or else! 

Over to Jill Zarin’s Upper East Side condo, the girls are meeting to discuss final preparations for Jill’s fundraiser.  Guess whose ass is late?  Ramona and her bad hair cut.  Aww shit, she and Jill are having it out over whether or not Jill should put her company’s name on the SuppleLeftTitty…you know, the signage behind people as they walk the red carpet!  I saw TruRamona’s point, but I gotta disagree.  Besides, ex-Countess Lu didn’t object and we all know that etiquette starts and stops with her ass!

Over at NASDAQ, the Count and ex-Countess are taking a tour since they helped to raise money for somebody in Brooklyn.  She just talks so damn much that it all bleeds together.  I’m shocked that she introduced lil Yawny to her husband as Alex and not the Count.  She’s just into herself enough to have told a 5 year old call him that.

Oh shit, just saw a preview for the reunion.  ex-Countess Lu MIGHT…MIGHT win me over if she goes off on Kelly.  Can’t wait…back to the show.

Jill Zarin is about to have either the sex tawwlk or the drug tawwlk with Ally.  How humiliating to get “the talk” on national tv.  I’m sure they cut the good shit out, but it was nice to see her be there for her kid.

Over at Lu’s broken home, Bethenny is giving Rosie a cooking lesson cuz Lu is too cheap and lazy to send her to cooking school.  Rosie be gettin’ her rocks off by the sound of things. 

Jill Zarin took a trip to some crazy jeweler’s spot (Jeri Cohen) to pick up an auction item for the fundraiser.  Her sitting in the back of her own damn SUV being driven around by some black dude was a bit Miss Daisy-like, but only Jill could pull that shit off.  She took Kelly with her for some dumbass reason.  WHAT does she have on?  She has on like a mini dress with tights and some UGG-ish boots.  Is…it…hot…or…is…it…cold…bitch?  Make up your fucking mind!

Miss Bethenny was asked to model in a Moroccan fashion show.  So who else but Lu would give her runway advice?  How funny to see Bethenny not doing something well.  Was I the only one in this moment who had a flashback to Carrie Bradshaw in the fashion show with real people & models?  As long as B doesn’t end up laying on the runway as fashion roadkill like Carrie, she’ll be fine.

Sooo, right before show time, Bethenny is told that she’s also the MC for the evening.  Being the good sport that she is, she’s prepping her one liners in hair and make-up.  All of the girls are coming…and when I say the girls I mean Jill, Lu, Ramona, Alex and, of course, Simon!  Kelly’s ass was too tacky to RSVP either way.  B’s publicist is funny, too, calling Kell “charming”.  Jill Zarin walked the red carpet with her gay husband by her side and her real husband bringing up the rear…no pun intended!

Bethenny came out on stage looking like a million fucking bucks…and bitch was funny on top of that.  How dare ex-Countess Lu say that she was “trying to be funny”?  Sayin’ she wants a Moroccan Prince but must be the only wife in a room full of Moroccan muthafuckas IS funny! 

Can someone tell Ramona that she should A) comb her hair when attending a fashion show and B) not dance when music is playing.  The music is for the models, boo, not for your ass to wiggle in your seat!

Now the big day of Jill Zarin’s fundraiser.  Shit, let the fight begin.  Ramona started all the shit.  She noticed that there was a lot of signage behind the bar while her ass was lookin’ to score a glass of wine…fucking alkie.  Anyway, Bethenny had her Skinny Girls Cocktail logo up there, as well as some other alcohol companies.  I’ll assume they gave free booze for the event.  Ramona makes a big stink about how B never mentioned her logo and the others would be up behind the bar.  Then Jill Zarin gets all riled up sayin’ how that was valuable ad space and B shoulda said somethin’ beforehand.  She left her a message and was hollerin’ around the venue about how Bethenny is supposed to be her friend. 

Aight, I know this shit is gonna divide some of us, but at this point, although I see Jill’s point, I’m sidin’ with Miss B.  Part of her duty as a committee member was to get free drank for the event.  Is it really THAT big of a deal that the companies/brands (that gave $20,000 worth of alcohol for free) put their names up at the bar?  In the grand scheme or life, to me, it’s not!

Everyone’s showing up for the event.  Simon looks like a gay dominatrix.  There is no tellin’ what kinda kinky shit he and Alex do behind closed doors.  Yuck!  Kelly showed up lookin’ like she got her dress from the Macys Junior’s department.  Just an FYI Kell, being able to see someone’s spinal chord ain’t a good look!  She talked about how Jill Zarin is such a doer and not just a talker like many people in New York – you know….like her ass!

Oh gawd, Ramona is still talkin’ about the SuppleLeftTitty signage.  Get over it already.  She loves to stir the fucking pot.  That’s why she and Kelly get along so well.

Bethenny was with Alex the first time she saw her new logo and loved it.  Bethenny wanted to clear the air with Jill, but Jill wasn’t havin’ it.  B wouldn’t let it go.  I can’t say I blame her.  As shitty as Ramona has been to Jill for two seasons of this show and probably longer, she’s gonna talk shit to her about Bethenny.  They went back and forth and finally Jill told her to leave!  Blew my mind!  Was it that serious Jill that you wanted her to leave after getting a free bar for your fucking event?  Come on now, let’s be rational.

Afterward, Bethenny made a B-line to Ramona’s shit disturbing ass.  Ramona tried to play the high falutin’ manners having bitch role.  Give us a fucking break Ramona.  You ain’t had manners or acted like a lady SINCE this fucking show first aired!  I am so sick of her and that damn GUT talkin’ about how much she works.

Bethenny always being the bigger bitch that she is, went up to Jill Zarin to squash the beef before it got any more outta control.  I WISH I had a friend who’s as good to me as Bethenny!  That’s no bullshit.  She’s such a mature person.  Hard to find bitches, hard to find!

On to the auction, nobody was bidding at first.  Mario was in the audience giving this sick stare to Jill Zarin.  Like he was somewhat glad the auction wasn’t going well, but he woulda been aroused to see her make it work somehow.  I’m tellin’ ya’ll, he has some serious fantasies about himself and Jill Zarin.  Of course, she pulled it off in the end and raised $140,000 for her charity.

No big surprises with the end of the season recaps except that Bethenny has a new man.  WHO?  Simex is writing a book on parenting.  I repeat, Simex is writing a book on parenting.  The same two muthafuckas with the bad ass kids tearin’ up Zarin fabrics, playing the drums with their utensils at a dinner party and spreadin’ food all over their faces!  They can’t even handle their own damn kids, let alone tell someone else how to deal with theirs.  Bullshit.  Ramona launched her product line..you know, the one she can never remember the name of!  Ramario also celebrated their 18th anniversary.  Wonder what he was thinkin’ about that day.  When I say “what”, I really mean “who”.  Lastly, Victoria wasn’t sure if she was gonna return to boarding school.  I have a feeling with all the family drama, she’ll find boarding school peaceful and neutral.

I canNOT wait until the 2 day finale starting next Tuesday.  It’s gonna be some shit ya’ll…AND we have the Jersey bitches next.  When will I eva get sleep!

What did everyone think of the finale?

Vine…in a minute

Real Housewives of NYC: Episode 11 Recap

Here we go bitches!  I’m so excited to watch this episode.  I just want you East Coasters to know that it’s 4am in Cali and I’m watching/blogging at this hour to make sure you cranky bitches can read this when you get to work!

First up, Jill Zarin…of course.  I take that back.  Simex is at a Zarin store looking for window treatments or as my grandmama used to say…DRAPES!  Those two bad ass little van Kempen children grate on my last fucking nerve.  Playing hide and seek in the fabric and shit!  I woulda whooped his ass!  These two bad muthafuckas make a good argument for spanking.  That’s all I’m sayin…

Over to Bethenny…my girl.  She’s gettin’ her hair done by Francky L’Official.  Translation – Frank Official.  Now, Bethenny has a weave.  Why don’t other white girls get their shit done, cut and styled like?  I’m tired of seeing the Britney Spears – Paris Hilton weaves!  I love sista girl who stood there the ENTIRE time Bethenny was gettin’ her hair done.  I honestly think she does that every time B is in the salon and not just cuz the cameras were there.  Wouldn’t you wanna sit and listen to her one liners while on the clock?  Born again slut lol!  Hilarious.  Anyway, Frank’s gonna hook B up with his “best friend” who’s a model.  Let’s see this train wreck unfold.

Over at the van Kempen construction site, they’re still under the impression that their home will be done in a few more days.  So they’re planning a housewarming party lol.  What world do these two live in?  For real.  One thing at a time people.  Does anyone else get the impression that Alex would be fine all by herself? 

I’m sorry, it’s still hard for me to watch Ramona’s little sequence.  She looks like a black girl who just got her hair done and can’t swim standing up on a tug boat in the middle of the ocean while the “captain” is makin’ the shit rock from side to side.  Why does she gyrate like that when all she’s doing is standing up? 

But back to the show…she goes to see her doctor friend to discuss this sweat like a whore in church problem she has.  If she’d stop all that moving around when she’s standing and walking, she wouldn’t sweat so damn much!  Problem solved.  What I loved was while Ramona was explaining her problem to the doctor, Doc said “how emBARRassing”!  Gotta love her!  Ramona can act like she’s walked outta the house without make-up on if she wants to, but I know better.  No way would her face be red like that with a white neck unless she didn’t apply her foundation and powder to both! 

Bethenny is tellin’ Jill Zarin about the model blind date.  Jill Zarin tells her from the gate she ain’t feelin’ the model.  But Bethenny explained to her that she’s over the nerds cuz they are some insecure assholes with money.  She said they’re called “trick guys”!  Just tricks baby girl, tricks! 

ex-Countess Lu and Kelly had drinks “downtown” with Lu’s nieces.  Lu always makes such a big deal outta being “downtown”, as if she’s having cocktails in the ghettos of Harlem! 

Why can’t this woman dress herself?  Ya’ll know I’m talkin’ about Kelly.  Did bitch just say that she doesn’t eat salads on dates cuz she’s “already skinny enough”?  Bitch please!  You ain’t fat, but you ain’t as thin as you think!  So, they’re sittin’ there having a girls’ night out and who shows up?  Uh huh…Max Max’s suspect ass!  How the fuck are you gonna invite your dude to girls’ night out?  Ramona left Jill Zarin’s party last season over this same shit!  Bullshit.  This is when you need Ramona around cuz she woulda cussed Kelly out!  Rude!  ex-Countess Lu said that she loves living vicariously through the single girls…Ya’ll know me well enough – you complete that thought!

Back at the construction site, they have 5 days until the party and this shit doesn’t look like it’s gonna happen. 

Over to B’s blind date with Felipe!  I woulda said no when I found out his name, but that’s just me.  Bethenny looked good, for sure.  I didn’t think Phillip was all that cute, especially when he opened his mouth to show those European teeth!  Oh my gawd, Bethenny’s sense of humor is totally wasted on this man!  Totally wasted.  All her good material is going right over his 90’s haircut! 

For some reason, Jill Zarin, Bobby Vegas, Brad and Bethenny are riding around NY like a bunch of NFL rookies in a white Escalade limo.  I don’t like these mini segments Bravo has been doing lately. 

It looks like Simex pulled the shit off and can I say Thank God!  Their place was ridiculous before.  It’s party time!  Simon is stressed cuz everything isn’t perfect.  Sooo let me get this straight.  You will have a birthday party for your kids with other adults there with your hallway and downstairs looking like an abandoned building, BUT you have to straighten a photo on the wall for a housewarming party?  Okay, just checking.

Ms. Kelly was the first one to arrive talkin’ about “do I have to take off my shoes”.  I can’t even comment.  Simon looks like he’s going to see Cher in concert with that shiny ass jacket.  Kelly is such a fake ass bitch askin’ Simex to explain which Manhattan neighborhood is comparable to their Brooklyn neighborhood.  Who the fuck is she?  She’s so low budget!  WAIT, did ya’ll see Alex’s spanx under her dress?  Work those spanx bitch!

Charity meeting number 3 for Jill’s charity.  B was the bigger person to ask Kelly for a moment to clear the air.  That went over like a lead balloon.  I’m convinced that Kelly is either a heavy drinker or she’s on drugs cuz she for real acted like she did not know what the fuck Bethenny was talking about.  Like it was the first time she heard this shit.  The way she tells Bethenny to “stooop” made me wanna jump up and slap her through the fucking TV.  This bitch is out of her damn mind!  Bethenny needs one of her homegirls from the race track to whoop this bitch’s ass!  One of “Black Joe’s” cousins or nieces!

Next week is the finale and it’s lookin’ like the Bethenny/Jill love affair is about to end.  Damnit!

Thoughts?

Vine…in a minute 

Real Housewives of NYC: Episode 10 Recap

Oh Lordy, we’re startin’ off with ex-Countess Lu.  Victoria is home for a visit after being gone 2 months.  Damn, they couldn’t even go pick the child up and bring her home!  OH MY GAWD!  How does Victoria not know what the fuck Goodwill is?  I mean, I know she’s the daughter of a Count and all, but who doesn’t teach their kids about Goodwill?  This is ridiculous!  Was it just me or was Victoria over her mom’s superficial ways?  She seemed to be a lot more grounded!

Over at Jill Zarin’s apartment, the BBC came through to do an interview. He talked about a little bit of everything.  I thought it was a good interview 100%  because of Jill Zarin!  She did a fabulous job and really carried that boring ass British dude! 

Kell is taking her new head shot, but then she asked the photographer to take some “from behind because they’re spicy”!??  Huh…come again!?  Is it a head shot or an ass shot?  Oh yeah, Mr. Photographer, will you throw in a few bikini shots for me so I can be the “A” in hAlloween for a Halloween party invitation I’m sending out soon!  Is this not the most random bitch out!!

Victoria and Mommy Dearest are out shopping or as ex-Countess calls it “spending quality time”.  And JUST LIKE THAT, ex-Countess let the clothes take over her thoughts and poor Victoria was sittin’ bored as shit waiting on her!  She said price doesn’t matter.  Hmmph, I bet it matters a bit more now that her ass is gonna be on a monthly budget!  I like to call it….alimony!

Jill Zarin is getting her Halloween costume made for herself and her damn dog.  They’re gonna be Elle Woods and Brewster from Legally Blond.  Aight, Jill Zarin is tryna dress up her dog in pink froo froo clothes.  THIS is why animals attack their owners.  It’s a dog…stop dressing them like people.

Jill Zarin and Aunt Cookie are on the air with Jill’s sister!  What is with the 20 second time outs that Bravo does after barely showing one segment?  That’s the shit they did last week with Kelly running in the middle of the damn street.

I thought I’d get through the whole episode without Simex, but I’m not that damn lucky!  She’s picking out some brown paper bag lookin’ top that I think uses the proceeds to feed kids?  I don’t know.  Some sorta gimmick.  Luckily, Alex can wear a brown paper bag and make it look good.  She and Simon work my nerves, but I gotta give credit where credit is due.  Simon is right…the bitch can wear anything well!

Over at Ramona’s condo, unfortunately.  Ramona’s talking about how judgmental Avery is.  Um, I wonder where she gets that shit from!  Oh here she goes…why does Ramona gyrate when she’s really tryna make a point?  If she doesn’t want the child’s judgment, then send her ass out of the damn room!  Simple.  She and Mario make everything so damn hard! 

It’s pumpkin carving time at Casa de Simex!  Simon is such a freak asking his kids if they remember 1967! 

Jill Zarin aka Elle Woods and Brewster made her arrival at Kell’s Halloween Party.  She looked a mess.  It was all in good fun.  Ramona came as Robin Hood.  Bethenny was Roller Girl and her dog was Roller Bitch!  I LOVE HER!  She knows how to have a good time and laugh, especially at herself!  Jill Zarin and Bobby Vegas are wrong, making Brad think that he was eating dog food!  That was hilarious, but what I really want to know is “did Ramona take a bite of the food that her dog had been licking on”?

Jill Zarin and Bethenny are at Hudson Terrace where her charity event will be held.  Is there anything funnier than Bethenny imitating Jill?  I don’t believe there is…not on this show! 

Alex and Bethenny met for brunch to discuss the progress of her Skinny Girls Cocktail logo!  Miss B loves it.

Tonight’s Kelly’s Halloween party.  Bethenny said fuck it, it’s a recession…I’m gonna be roller girl twice.  Bitch is funny!  Okay, hold up, this bitch Kelly has a CASH BAR at her party?  What the fuck?  That is the tackiest shit, period!  You don’t ask your guests to buy their fucking drinks at your party.  I’m with Bethenny – how the hell is she gonna put her name on this bullshit ass party, but not on Jill Zarin’s charity event? 

Jill Zarin aka Marie Antoinette and Bobby Vegas showed up!  She looked great, natch.  However, her smile turned upside down when she found out that A) Kell wasn’t there and B) she had to pay for a soda. 

Lu talks so much about being a former model, but the damn photographers had to tell her how to pose on the “red carpet”.  She’s so full of it.

Simex went to the party as Sarah Palin and “Moose”!  Guess they’re not Republican! 

Bethenny is a one woman show!  Her rant before she shook the spot was priceless.  Roller Girl doesn’t care LOL!  Not only did she skate off, but bitch turned around and was skatin’ backwards down the streets of Manhattan!  I might be laughing about this all morning!

Ooooooh, Ms. Playboy Bunny decides to show up after all!  She’s a bitch!  A low budget, raggedy, fake bitch!  Wait, did this broad just have the NERVE to say that she’s a mom so she didn’t want to be over the top even though she has on a black, satin leotard, fishnets and pink pumps?  Um, whatever Kelly!  WHAT?  She did not say that she was upset that the girls weren’t there when she got there?  Bitch get a clue!

I have five words to describe next week:  BETHENNY VS. KELLY PART TWO!

Vine…in a minute

Real Housewives of NY: Episode 9 Recap

Kelly better not start any shit tonight.  I’m still mad about that Miley Cyrus/Jamie Foxx shit!

Jill Zarin and Bobby Vegas started off with a cocktail party at the store.  She invited all the housewives, including Mario and Simon.  Let me eat my words.  Jill Zarin has no attraction to that man, BUT  he damn sure wants a piece of Jill Zarin.  He’s now sunk to the level of insulting Simon’s tennis match attire to get camera time.  He’s an asshole.  Next!

If Bethenny could sit for an hour and deliver one liners, especially about Ramona, I’d be so damn happy!

Oh GAWD…that troll Kelly just walked in with her gay boyfriend in a Forever 21 dress lookin’ like an extra on The Grind…Alaska!  What does this bitch have on?  She has on a dress short enough to show her birth canal with boots AND a coat made of poodle hair!  Is it hot or is it cold?

Aight, two things I noticed.  One, when Brad started going all ape shit over Max Max and talked to Alex about it, did ya’ll peep how quick Simon turned around at a mention of a tall, hot ma?  Well…he did.  Two, Brad would not be going on and on like that about a good looking straight man.  Gay men don’t have time for shit like that.  Max Max is as gay as I’m tellin’ ya’ll…in my opinion, of course.  Even Jill Zarin said “I THINK he’s straight”.  THINK??

Did those two tacky ass fools just have a pillow fight in Jill Zarin’s store?  What the fuck is wront with them?  Did Kelly and Max not remember that Bobby Vegas has to sell the shit in the future?  Triflin’! 

Over to Ramona and the skin care line that she pulled outta her ass!  She’s checkin’ out labels for her products.  She coulda hired me and Hollywood to do THAT.  All they did was put a little color behind some Times New Roman letters.  She’s so bootleg.  And will she PLEASE suck in that fucking gut.  Bitch talking about how good her skin looks (in her mind) but won’t do crunch the first to get rid of that damn stomach. 

 

 

Meanwhile, Bethenny is in hell Connecticut doing an in-store appearance.  Bitch couldn’t give away  one of them sugar free cupcakes.  Poor baby.  

 

 

 

 

 

Lord help, ex-Countess Lu is discussing the book with her co-writer.  She’s so full of shit talking about she kisses on both cheeks cuz that’s what she’s use to.  I know Native Americans and they don’t kiss on both cheeks as a matter of habit.  She be makin’ shit up as she goes along.  What I wanna know is if she’ll put tips on how to properly handle your husband dumping you via email…or how to make out with a youngster in a hotel elevator with class!  Ya’ll think that will be a chapter?

 

Kelly’s in L.A. talking about her “jewelry line” with an ACTUAL jeweler.  Someone please stick a needle in her head and deflate her damn ego.  She acted like she created something.  The shit was already fucking done when she walked through the door. 

 

Um, Jill Zarin, babe, can you not be chasin’ your unruly ass dog through the store while customers are waiting.  They loved her, but fuck. 

 

Hold the phone, was Kelly just running in the middle of Manhattan traffic for no fucking reason?  Please tell me it was a commercial of some sort.

 

Jill Zarin is going to pick out a new custom made bag for her birthday (courtesy of Bobby Vegas, natch) and she invited Kelly the Troll to help her.  Traitor!  She brought her two daughters.  One of her kids is named Sea!  Really?  Sea?  Jill Zarin dropped 16 grand on a handbag.  Of course the Troll is gonna be nice to you.  The bitch is a climber.  She’ll do whatever she can to whoever she can if she thinks it will advance her social status.  You gotta see through that shit Jill!!

 

Ex-Countess Lu was choosing the cover for her book “Class with the Countess” and mentioned that her relationship with the Count has been like a dream.  So now, is it like a dream that she woke up from when she read the email about him and the African hottie?  Again, just askin’…

 

Jill Zarin’s apartment is being photographed for a magazine.  WHY does she look like June Cleaver?  What was up with the Stepford Wife look?  Hated it!!

 

So Jill asked the people from the magazine if they had a PP…a private plane.  I wonder if she asked Bethenny if A-Rod has a big PP or a little PP.  I bet he has a decent sized PP that he can’t work too well.  He’s a baller and bitches think he’s fine…he doesn’t have to know how to work it!  Sorry, I’m no longer talkin’ about a damn jet!

 

Over to Ramona’s scatter brained ass and Bethenny.  B is tryna help Ramona understand that the name of her skin care line has to match all the labels and shit.  Ramona is such a fucking idiot.  How do they have any money in the first place?  This is elementary shit.  Bethenny offering her good advice, but she’s too stubborn to listen.

 

Aight, Ramona just dropped the obligatory dig at Jill.  Glad Bethenny checked her ass.  But then Ramona insulted Bethenny saying how Jill only likes her cuz she’s the underdog and she’s struggling!  Huh?  That ain’t true, but let’s say it is.  WHY would you announce some shit like that in a room full of muthafuckas that don’t know Bethenny?  Damn this bitcdh is rude as fuck!

 

Later, Bethenny hit a photo shoot for the cover of her book “Naturally Thin”.  She looked great.  Can’t wait to see the real thing.

 

Bobby Vegas surprised Jill Zarin with a Mercedes SUV for her birthday!  He’s so good to her.  Jill is pissed that her iPhone won’t work in the car.  So Bobby Vegas said he’ll get her a new car!  Please excuse me while I pour myself a glass of wine.

 

Alex is on her way to meet Simon for her birthday surprise.  Jill Zarin just got a new Benz and he’s meeting Alex on a street corner with some ugly roses wrapped in plastic!  

 

They went into a jewelry designer’s suite to pick out some custom earrings.  They left and Simon started acting like a crack baby screaming about the surprise being ruined when the driver took a wrong exit.  Calm the fuck down.  Nobody’s gonna die because a birthday surprise was ruined!!  After Simon simmered down, they made it home to have a mini party with their bad ass kids.

 

Next week: Kelly’s hosting a Halloween Party and doesn’t even

show up.  Bitch!

 

Did ya’ll watch?  Thoughts?

 

…Vine…in a minute (www.twitter.com/hollywoodNvine)

Real Housewives of New York Recap: 4/7/09

Starting off with Jill Zarin is always good.  She’s finalizing plans for her charity event.  Kelly’s ass is there.  Bitch felt like a fool after actin’ like the Queen of England at the last meeting.  So she donated a shit load of high end gifts.  Good for fucking her.  Hurricane Ramona burst through the door talkin’ about how fabulous she is.  She is so obnoxious!  Of course, she brought up the tennis match. 

Bethenny asked Alex to meet for drinks to discuss revamping her Skinny Girls Cocktail logo.  Very nice of her to lend a hand to my girl!

You know, for a Countess, she sure does wear out those damn brown Gucci boots don’t she?  The Count didn’t buy you any other boots before he broke out?  Ex-Countess Lu went to the boys and girls club and talked about herself and how her husband became a count.  I wonder if she’ll go back now and tell them that she’s ex-Countess Lu?!  OH MY GOD!  Did she just call that poor 10 year old little girl FAT?  What the fuck is wrong with this woman?  You do not tell a 10 year old who wants to be a model that she’ll grow in time and losing weight is easy!  For someone who’s writing a book on manners, this bitch is void of them her damn self!  That was some rude shit I’d expect from Ramona.  She acts like taking time out of her day to so something is like Oprah or the fucking President taking time out of their day to drop in and visit some unsuspecting children.  I know I shouldn’t say this, but I hope her divorce deflates her ego!  She’d be cool if she weren’t so full of herself. 

I love that Brad looks like he’s now sleeping at Jill Zarin’s apartment while remodeling.  It’s fabulous and Jill Zarin loves it! 

Bethenny made her way over to the remodeled Casa de Zarin and she is about to have a stroke!  She said it’s Liberace Versace Le Cucarace!  Funny!  It does look like a total Queen decorated it, but I still liked it. 

Uh oh!  Jill Zarin’s tennis pro just called to cancel their tennis match against Super Mario and Ramona.  Fuck, she better find a ringer cuz I’d hate for Mario to whoop her ass.  Bethenny has an idea.  Of course she does.  She suggested Simon!  Oh Lord, this shit is gonna be hilarious.  Ramario is going to shit when Simon walks onto the court, probably in yellow shorts and matching bandana! 

Can they please stop showing the hipless heffa, Kelly?  Does this bitch have on house shoes for her date?  I’m all for being fashion forward, but the bitch had on house shoes!  I wonder if Max Max is the boyfriend she beat up a few weeks ago cuz he looks like he’d let a bitch punch him.  Uh, I hate to break it to you boo, but Max Max is no catch.  So stop braggin’ about how he wants you so badly.

Simon and Jill Zarin are gettin in some practice before the Ramario beat down.  He’s not good and he looks hella awkward, but I still think between Ramona actually giving birth to a cow on the tennis court when she sees Simon and Mario tryna tuck his hard dick once he sees Jill Zarin, she and Simon might win this thing.

Aight.  Here we go.  This is more exciting than Wimbledon!  Kelly showed up wearing a mini dress with a white flower on the front and I think some fishnets and knee boots!  WHERE ARE YOU GOING?  A bunch of others are there for the match, too.  I wonder if Ramona’s gut will deflate once she shits bricks upon seeing Simon on the court with Jill Zarin.  Speaking of, Bobby Vegas just walked in.  Of course he’s there.  He’s the best husband ever!  He even shook Mario “the snake’s” hand!

This is such a great build up!  Ramona is doing squats in the foyer so Simon can’t get from the elevator to the court to shock Ramario.  One of her friends told her it was Simon and she didn’t believe her ROFLMAO! 

Finally Simon walks out and Ramona looked appalled!  Bethenny, don’t be fooled honey…Ramona is freaking OUT on the inside, trust! 

Uh, did ya’ll see Brad looking like a gay pimp! 

Back to the match, this had to be the worst tennis match in history!  Simon is just a horrible tennis player!  Oh shit!  The tide might be turning!  Jill Zarin done turned up the heat on they ass.  Uh nope, false alarm! 

Next week Ramona insults Bethenny!  She better watch herself!

Did ya’ll think Jill Zarin was “disrespectful” by asking Simon to be her partner?

…Vine…in a minute

www.twitter.com/hollywoodNvine

Real Housewives of NYC: Bethenny vs. Kelly

I know it’s late, but this is a live blog for me!  Let’s get to it.

They start off with Ramona offering Kelly a ticket to the Badgley Mischka fashion show during Fashion Week.  My question is, why doesn’t this bitch already have tickets if she’s so fucking fly?  Kelly is the first one to toot her own damn horn about how important she is, but she gets tickets from Ramona to a fashion show?  Why?  Cuz she’s frontin’, that’s why! 

NO SHE DIDN’T!  No Kelly didn’t say that bad manners are disgusting to her.  Okay, then what the fuck does she call beating up her own boyfriend?  Is that shit good manners?  This bitch is out of her mind! 

Now Kelly is talkin’ shit about Bethenny!  I know that we have some white girls who read our blog and I don’t mean to offend, but ya’ll know good and fuck well that some of your counterparts play this passive aggressive ass game and it’s irritating!  Kelly is one of those bitches.  This whole passive aggressive I don’t know why Bethenny doesn’t like me act is bogus!  That’s why dealin’ with sistas is a lot easier…but I digress!

Over at Casa de Zarin…Jill and Bobby Vegas are liking everything Jill’s gay husband is doing at this point!  Brad has even gone over budget and Bobby Vegas doesn’t give a shit.  How can you not love this man?

Oh Lawd, over to Simex and their weird science ass kids!  Simon told the cameras that he can keep a lot of info in his brain.  Shit, he should be able to considering the only other thing in life he does is manage a hotel!

Aww shit!  They just advertised the Real Housewives of New Jersey FINALLY!  I know these 5 bitches are going to be over the top, ghetto and entertaining!  I’m talkin’ ATL housewives level…WATCH!

Back to Kelly and Bethenny!  Why does this bitch always look like a low budget piece of trash?  Ya’ll know I’m talkin’ about Kelly.  Bitch sat down and had a fucked up ass foul attitude from jump!  THIS is why they didn’t have these types of confrontations during the Atlanta season…cuz a bitch (Kelly) would’ve gotten her ass beat or at LEAST slapped, talkin’ to somebody like that.  Why the fuck would you invite someone to cocktails to tell them ya’ll ain’t friends when you were never friends in the first fuckin’ place?  I hope Bethenny throws her drink on this opportunistic bitch before the scene is over…for real!

This Kelly bitch met up with a man named Max Max!  Bitch had rolls at her knee caps!  Instead of talkin’ about Bethenny while on a date, she shoulda paid more attention to her gay date!  She said she was unsettled by the get together, but SHE is the one who asked Bethenny for the meeting!  Um, am I the only one who sees how fuckin’ nuts this hip-less bitch is?

Meanwhile, Ramona has bullied Bethenny into hangin’ with her and watchin’ Mario play golf.  Fucking snoozeville!  While there, they discuss the whole HipLESS Heffa fiasco!  Ramona knows Bethenny is being truthful, but she refuses to take sides cuz she thinks Kelly MIGHT help her progress in society somehow.  These bitches are transparent as a damn windshield!

At dinner, Mario and Ramona decided it was talk shit about Jill Zarin day!  Mario was bitchin’ about how Jill Zarin doesn’t do shit but shop, travel and eat.  So the fuck what!  If Bobby Vegas can afford for HIS wife to look good while chillin’ or sittin’ at home, then who gives a shit?  Mario, don’t hate cuz you have to send your wife to work every morning with that gut.

Anyway, Ramona is mad that Kelly wrote an article on the BM Fashion Show cuz she invited her and she used to be the fashion writer…in her own mind!  Get over it honey!

Back over to the Kelly and the soon to be ex-Countess Lu on their way to a Page Six Party, she’s STILL talkin’ about Bethenny.  Funny that she’s up HERE and Bethenny is down THERE, yet she’s still thinking about her.  Get over yourself, jealous bitch!  Even Countess Lu told her she was out of line.

Oh Lord, the gangs all there back in effect…even down to Simex lyin’ asses!  Aight, I’m gonna say it.  Jill Zarin and Mario have a sick and twisted sexual chemistry!  For real ya’ll!  Sure, some of it is jealousy on his part, but not all.  He WISHES Jill Zarin were his wife for just one day and as sexy as Bobby Vegas is, she wants Mario for about an hour!  Did ya’ll peep this shit between them?  Sexual frustration bitches!  Mario is worse than Kelly talkin’ bout he ain’t thinkin’ about Jill Zarin, yet he’s still runnin’ his mouth to SIMON of all people!  The Singers are two fake as muthafuckas!

It wouldn’t be Simex and Ramona unless an argument started.  Ramona explained that she basically hates them cuz she invited their social climbing wannabe asses to a celeb packed NY event and they didn’t show them the courtesy of informing that Alex had nude photos coming out two days later.  Ramona felt like that tarnished her rep.  Um, I feel her, but ain’t nobody thinkin’ that much about you Ramona.  Sorry babe!

Ya’ll won’t believe this, but I gotta go with Simex on this one…especially Simon!  The Van Kempens were right, PERIOD!  Ramona is a fucking hypocrite drama queen who needs to get a damn grip.

Excuse me for a minute, but that muthafucka Bobby Vegas is sexy as shit! 

In closing I have four words for ya’ll…KICK HIS ASSSS WAYNE! 

What did ya’ll think of last night’s episode?  And Jizzle, can I get some credit for being ON TIME with this week’s recap since you’re always hazing me LOL!!

…Vine…in a minute

www.twitter.com/hollywoodNvine

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